sunset01

I don't know if this is the right forum for this so move it if you need to mods.

I'm sick and scared.
I am 5 days sober but don't have any choice given the meds on. Even though I wanted to give up alcohol more than anything, I feel like I'm cheating. I don't have anyone really I can speak to right now because I fear their reaction to me, I'm on diazempam and I've halved the dose because I still have to function, and on the full dose all I feel like is that I'm going to sleep constantly and I cant collect my thoughts let alone drive my kids to school and keep the house relatively clean. Still have a week before I see a counsellor and my doc appointment is in 2 days.

My head is going in circles and none of it is positive.
I fear for my children that they are going to have to put up with a mother who is nuts.
My partner who is a loving and kind man is looking at me with concern constantly and I feel like I'm letting him down.
My philosophy of just putting one foot in front of the other has deserted me and I'm left feeling out of control, guilty and sad.

I recognise what is going on with me but I cant put the effing lid back on it. I'm so tired of living my life, get help don't get help, I'm never going to be a whole person, then I cant think like that because my children need me to be there and be ok. I'm exhausted and I have no out....

Ok rant over. I just needed to vent.

Raider

Why are you on diazepam ?

sunset01

Hi raider
My doc prescribed it last wk, basically cause of past trauma and nightmares on the condition that I went back this wk to discuss further treatment. More meds I'm guessing *sigh* I really don't want to be on meds but I had to acknowledge that I couldn't cope by myself anymore. I feel like such and idiot to be nearly 37 and not be able to cope with my life.

Dee74

Hi sunset

It;s important to try and stay calm and not panic. Any new medication can take a little time to work, and we can go through a period of adjustment.

It's been only a few days. Give it a chance

and you are far from nuts - many of us, myself included, need meds, for a variety of reasons. Often it's not forever, just for a short while

Those meds help improve my quality of life. I see no shame in that.

If you're concerned enough to change the dose it's probably a good idea to speak with your Dr as soon as you can?

D

sunset01

Thanks dee
Ever heard the term "suck it up princess" that echo's around in my head constantly. One of the many things my father so lovingly left me with. So I do struggle with being able to put myself out there, I'm trying not to panic about everything, but it's a struggle.

My doc said to me that it would be ok to lower the dose when she prescribed it..so I'm following her direction. Outwardly I do feel calm, like really calm, this is the first time since I've been about 13 or 14 that my hands havn't visably been shaking. But try as I might my thoughts are getting the better of me, and I just needed to get it out as awkward as that makes me feel.

sunset01

As for taking meds I guess I'm not doing myself any favours I've been reading a lot in the mental health forum and I'm not liking what I've read, side effects, drugs v's no drugs. I know that if I don't get help I will end up drinking myself silly, but I don't want to get addicted to more stuff. And when I'm speaking to my doc I don't have the courage to speak up and say "hey what is it exactly your prescribing here?" I took my prescription got it filled and had to get my partner to explain what it was going to do to me, I'm just afraid of stuffing this up too.

Dee74

You should never be afraid to ask questions IMO.

Any good Dr should be approachable and communicative - if yours is not, you might want to consider another one?

If you feel uncomfortable asking questions, you could always write them down.
If you feel it's appropriate you could even ask your partner to be in there with you and help you find out all you need to know?

I think it's important for our Dr to know our addictive history too - that knowledge will have an impact on what he or she prescribes.

D

MrTumble

Sunset, perhaps write down your questions for the doctor, such as; am i supposed to feel sleepy all the time, is there a chance of addiction, how long do i need these for; is there another option, etc...

then hand the doctor the note and let him answer you.

longbeachone

Everyone here is right...You have just started your recovery journey. Cut yourself some slack. You will not turn into the person you are hoping to become in a day, or a week or a month. It takes time. But if you keep your sights on where you want to go and the kind of person you want be, it will happen for you. Every single speck of forward movement takes you closer. Stay sober. Try to stay positive. Love your family. If you can do these things, you'll be surprised at how quickly everything will get better.

sunset01

Well yesterday I got my appointment bumped up to today to see my doc, and I took all your advise, I sat down and wrote a note of my addictive history, how it was difficult to ask her questions and that I needed her to explain everything that she was giving me ect. I sat for what seemed like forever and waited for her to read it, she has always been a good doctor to my kids, really proactive with their care, but I just couldn't get the words out when it comes to me...silly I know...but she was understanding which helped. She's given me a referral to a psychologist that deals with addictions, ptsd ect. And explained exactly why she'd prescribed the valium, and exactly what she was prescribing me today and why, and I'm going back to see her in 2 wks. So I feel a lot better about the whole thing, I still have my other appointment booked with the counsellor, but will go and see the psych too.

At this point I know that alcohol will never solve anything for me, and I don't really want it in my life anymore, surrender is a word that I've read a lot on SR and I get it, I'll jump through whatever hoop they ask of me so that I can be well enough for my children, to have a healthy functioning mother.
Longbeach thanks for the words of encouragement, I appreciate it, and I will stay sober there is nothing in that for me anymore, cant keep running from yourself forever, from so many stories on here I've read there's only one place that leads and I'm not willing to take that trip.
Dee, thanks, for relpying and for the great advise as always.

MrGhost

"I'm never going to be a whole person"

Don't think that way, because there WILL be a day you stop drinking, you just have to realize it's what you really want and so you will do whatever in order to make that happen. Sadly enough, us drinkers go to any length just to drink/destroy our lives and ourselves and the people around us, don't wait too long to find out that it's much easier to better your life than it is to drink it away. Things can easily start getting better, they only won't if you drink. Keep telling that bottle to f*ck off, because all it is, is destruction for you and your family.

Everything in your life may be hard right now for you, but good things still await, the cycle of life is both good and bad events... but all that matters in the end is how you deal with them, and that has to be some thing you want to do. Drinkings selfish, make it a selfless decision if you must, to give all and full head on aim to STOPPING. And so get help, help is still you helping yourself, you're seeking aid is all (like some one else bagging your bags at the grocery store), and you're also doing it for your family. A family that is infinity times better than any drink, any time, forever. And bad times are always temporary, but the drink... the drink prolongs it, and that is all it will do, it's not a risk or a maybe, it's a fact.

Threshold

Hugs.

I have had mental health issues my entire life.

I am on meds. I have lived off meds, and it has gotten scary. Ya know what? My kids (3 of them, now all in their 20's) were better off with a mom who took her meds and addressed her issues appropriately, than they were with paranoid, nonfunctional mom.

And I went through the "I don't want to be broken and NEED to be on meds" ego thing. Well...I am sure that my neighbor in a wheelchair would love to be able to be a mom who doesn't need a wheelchair and be able to run and play catch with the kids, etc etc...but we would think she was sorta short sighted if she refused the help of the wheelchair and only crawled around using her arms, didn't drive her special van and the kids weren't able to be part of extracurricular activities.

The thing with meds, or ANY type of help in life, is to find one that works that doesn't do more harm than good. Side effects of different meds vary, and even the same med effects different people in different ways. Please do not be scared to try or use any med because someone else had a bad experience with it. It's great that you are being totally honest with your dr, and you can read up on meds on a variety of sites. I am not saying ignore anything anyone else says about their experience, but remember that people are 90% MORE likely to tell you about a bad experience than to volunterraly post about a good one.

It's human nature, and it's good to keep in mind.

I mean, on SR, most people don't come in and post about everything that didn't go wrong today...see what I mean?

You are doing great to seek the help you need to be the all the mom you can be.

You are not "less than"...everyone has challenges and areas we fall short in, everyone. There is no perfect, 100% parent that can meet all their kids needs, wants, education etc. We don't have to be everything all by ourselves. Schools, friends, neighbors, relatives, coaches, teachers, etc all help give our kids what they need to grow to be balanced happy people.