polaris

He almost died from pancreatitis and got sober before I was born.

"I have never said much about your drinking because whether you drink or not is a decision you must make entirely on your own (unless of course you are incarcerated or die from over consumption). We all drink in different ways for different reasons. There were many things in life that I wanted to do but never did because drinking was more important. Relationships that were destroyed and relationships that never materialized. Emotions that I never experienced because they were dulled by booze. And the feelings of loss that I felt when I sobered up. The loss of a normal life. Everyone I knew was well down the road of life and I was a wastrel. The struggle back was brutal and to this day I still ponder the "if only's" of all those years and mourn for the "could have been's". 10 years of my life wasted.

I am glad you have a good friend. They are rare. I do not know what one does at the beach but it is good that you enjoy it.

I love you and it is good to hear from you."

This weekend has been an extra brutal one, and Im still afraid I guess. I mean, if I could begin to be honest...the Navy would put me in rehab. I honestly feel on the brink of doing the incredibly frightening thing of being 100% honest about my drinking to others as well as myself. I really have no idea where to find some sort of satisfaction in life, and I think that is a huge part of why I have resorted to alcohol so consistently. Im not really interested in having a family and so many of those other things...Ive spent so much of my life with the desire to join a monastary or some such.

Im struggling and so afraid of the idea of having to face life alcohol free and to be deprived of what enhancement and euphoria that it can provide, although it really now pales in comparison to the negative...and has for quite some time. Maybe Im afraid to face myself sober. Ive managed to remain functional, so I havent suffered some of the more tangible consequences as others...but the mental toll is still there. Yes, sometimes suicide seems the simplest answer but that would be too easy and Im not ready to be beaten by this thing. I actually want to reach a place where I have the ability to really help others.

I never could have comprehended how difficult it might be. The grip that the obsession can take is awful and frightening. This road is a dead end.

whiskeyman

wow.
powerful message. Thank you.

it is difficult at first to sit with yourself, but the journey is worth it.
You are too important to let go.

Fight the monster

awuh1

Your post brings to mind this letter to one of the founders of AA. Here is a link. A.A. History -- Dr. Carl Jung's Letter To Bill Wilson, Jan 30, 1961 I have a feeling you may appreciate it.

My gut tells me that complete honesty will be the best path, albeit a difficult one in the short run. All the best to you.

suki44883

Such a nice gesture on his part. I wish my father had cared enough to send a letter like that to me. But then, he never believed he had a drinking problem anyway.

Dee74

I was scared too so I just let my drinking drag me down to the point where my life was a smoking wreck and I had to change - or die.

Don't wait til it gets to that - you have a great chance of straightening up without too much loss and 'if onlys'...I'd take it.

I know it's scary and it's not going to always be easy, especially in the early days, but I guarantee you won't regret staying sober

D

Hevyn

Hi Polaris. Everything your father said is so right - the waste of time, irretrievable relationships, the guilt & remorse. Those emotions were what sent me back to the bottle many times. I'm so glad he found his way to a sober life & that he's willing to open up about what happened to him.

I dreaded being sober. Life would be so dull. I didn't want to be ordinary, yet I was turning into a shell of a person. I insisted the fun of my early drinking days never had to end. They could could come back if only I used willpower to control myself. I spent decades pitifully trying to hold on to the good times. I almost lost my life in search of them. It feels wonderful to be free of the compulsion. I'm happy you're here to discuss your feelings as you decide what to do. We all understand.

fini

yes; i was so afraid too. terrified though excited about finding out and going into the days sober...terrified i'd find out out that alcohol/drinking was what was holding me together.
terrified who i might find without it. or worse: what if there was no-one there? nothing?
i had no idea who i'd be without it. but i sure didn't like the "me" with it.

what i found is that somewhere there was a kernel, a kernel deep inside that was solid and that somehow i'd carried through the drinking decades. or maybe it's the other way around: the kernel carried me through...

polaris, i'm still working on the "satisfaction" part. i'm not dissatisfied, really, but something is not right...and it's okay. i know some of what i need to do...not knowing for sure, not being clear on where the "meaningful" is for me, but having inklings...you know, all that is for me so much better than the meaning i thought getting drunk allowed me to catch glimpses of.
one thing several years of sobriety is giving me is the possibility of following those inklings, the time and concentration to pursue them, the being-present-enough to not run...and the courage to stay in discomforts.

what a gift, your father's letter! wow.
and you have a good friend, he mentions.
and you have honesty and trepidation and some ambivalence and desire...

all sounds good to me
really!

bigsombrero

This hit me hard because it describes my thoughts right before I got sober. In theory, sobriety sounded good...but giving it up...forever? That was hard to face. I grieved a lot, after losing booze. I was broken hearted, really. But eventually, I got over it. Because the only alternative was too scary to think about.

You'll get over that "never again" hurdle too. And the sooner you start, the sooner that pain will end. So get going.

Maybe it's time you ask yourself what you're waiting for? Get in the game and put your money on the table. No more tiptoeing on the fringe. The letter's in the mail, the writing's on the wall. Sobriety is going to happen, because there's only one other alternative. Once you face that fact, and realize it as the truth, you can ride that wave and take the plunge. Sounds like it's about time you do so.

Maybe that letter from your dad is one last fatherly nudge to get you to try the deep end of the pool. Good luck.

polaris

Yeah, and I guess its extremely hard to be honest about it...especially when sober the selective memory and justifications can really take hold. I have been abusing it for probably 7-8 years now though, how much evidence does it really take?

Even what "benefits" it may have offered in the earlier days...like the being friendlier, more outgoing, "fun" etc become overshadowed. A friend of mine, whom moved away recently, would often bring up how I was usually being a complete hermit over the weekends - how maybe Id be out with them Friday night but then would completely disappear the rest of the weekend (and of course it would be me binging and isolating myself). Not exactly being the "life of the party" thats for sure.

I do have some ambitious goals I want to achieve in my life, and continuing to drink is obviously not going to get me there. Im going to be 30 soon, and Im VERY far from where I want to be in life.

MeSoSober

I did what you did--binge all weekend long and often into the next workweek holed up in my apartment. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

You're still quite young. Ask me how much regret I have at age 43 that I waited so long and allowed some awful things to happen to me before I addressed what I damn well knew was a serious problem YEARS ago.

It's one thing I now feel compelled to say when I find out someone's in their 20s is here posting. I would give anything to turn the clock back. Just another voice joining in the course of Do it NOW.

Do not pass "Go," do not collect $200. :-)