StevenT

So, it's been a while since I posted this. I spent the past three months depressed and angry most of the time, going through feelings that I did not like. I held on to resentment over what "She had done to me" and over Doug (the other guy) choosing to get with her. I fantasized about murder, assault, breaking and entering and a dozen other things. I let myself work myself up into such a negative feeling that I wasn't too far from going off the deep end and screwing everything over with some drugs or a drink. What I did do is lose my job and self-respect by being so depressed I stopped caring...

What happened is I disappeared from AA. I disappeared from this forum. And I got 12-stepped by some very good people from the club I go to most for my meetings. I got back in the program, back in the steps, and back in myself. Two days ago I took one year clean and sober - with her sitting next to me. After the meeting I gave her a hug, shook dougs hand and told him to take care of her. Then I went over to my brother (not in AA, first meeting ever in fact, just there to support me) and my sponsor and I broke down. I started crying. It still hurts. But today I can accept that it happened. I can allow myself to feel, and not have it control me. And the beautiful thing is, after praying for them time and time again, and forcing myself to place principles before personalities, I am not angry anymore. I am not depressed anymore. I have been able to move into the present over this and not stay in the past.

And I can learn from this. I am still single, have not pursued any romantic involvement. Haven't even had sex (kind of tried, but haven't pushed). I know that not all women are capable of loving me the way I need to be loved in an intimate relationship, and that some people are sick enough to simply want only for themselves, not caring about the other person. I am aware of this to the point that I am wary about becoming involved again without getting to know the other person first. And for right now, I need to work on me. I am scarred from this experience. I need to come to know what these scars are and how to deal with them in a healthy relationship. Until that time, I might just be the person that does the hurting if I were to get into another relationship.

I figured I'd come and update this as it might help someone to see where I was, what I did and where I am now.

Dee74

Glad you're feeling a little better Steven.

D

Pipefish

You've done brilliantly Steven, and thanks for sharing that with us. Congratulations on your year.

Very best to you

MB8

That's good stuff Steven. You do sound like a very intelligent young man and the fact that you came through this without drinking is awesome. I'm not sure I could have. I know what your going thru as I had a breakup with a girl years ago that thru me into a tailspin. I was still drinking and at the time didn't think I had a problem so wasn't an issue. I did go into a deep depression as I figured she was all I knew ( 8 years ) and how could I go on with out her. How could I get along in this big old world without her. What it took me years to realize was that she was just a security blanket for me. I knew when things got ruff in life that she was there to pick me up. But after years of living by myself and getting to know me, I realized that I could do it on my own and that I really actually didn't love her at all. It wasn't easy. Sometimes it wasn't a constant struggle. And in the process of finding myself, 8 years ago I found my amazing wife and now have to beautiful girls. I can't imagine where my life be if I were still with ex. I got to imagine miserable. It's ok to be alone. That's when I learned who I was and then I could be healthy when I did meet someone. Your so young and I know that doesn't help in the now. But trust me friend , there is more for you out there. Stay strong and sober and you will be happy. Way more happy than if you stayed in a struggling unhealthy relationship. Good luck friend. MB8

KateL

I agree x