I feel like an idiot
 

As some of you may know, I am staying at my Grandma's for a few days, and maybe more. She put me in the guest room and it is the same room I slept in almost two years ago when I first gave up alcohol and had a seizure.

I was lying in bed last night and thinking about that time. In November 2011 I was in bad shape and was shaking all the time. I first quit on the 4th December 2011 and I should be coming up on two years sobriety, but I had a slip after I finished my exams in May 2013 and then on October 31st just gone. My My sobriety date is now November 1st 2013. I guess I am just thinking of the way things could have been...I feel quite foolish...

On a different note, I am enjoying my time here. I keep forgetting how much I enjoy being in the city. My auntie is here too and she gave me some clothes she doesn't want any more. (Some really good things too, designer and in very good condition. It is a change for me coz I usually live in jeans and converse.) My sister also told me that I can stay with her any time, until I find my feet.

I went into town for coffee today and for a long walk on the beach. It was cold and windy but very invigorating. Tomorrow I am meeting some friends. My life is far perfect, but it does have perfect moments. My mum and I do not get on but I do have a good family and I am grateful.

I just wanted to write down my thoughts. Thanks for reading x

I am so glad you are having some positive things going for you! All I can say is hang in there and I am thinking of and praying for you!

That's great. In the end, family is the most valuable thing we have. When they're no longer physically or emotionally available, we can make our own families from among the people we care about most.

Try not to beat yourself up over the past. The past is gone now, never to return. Focus on today. :)

So glad to hear you're having a better time of it! Keep it up!

Tetra, you always seem much more at peace with your gran :)

It's good to reflect and learn from the past but too much regret and beating yourself up isn't good for you! I should know, it has taken me a couple years to stop being so mean to myself.

Keep sober!

Good to hear, Tetra!

One question: you said you're having a great time, but yet your post is titled "I'm such an idiot". Why? I understand you have a few regrets, but overall this was a very positive post.

One thing I learned in addiction therapy was to watch my language when I talked about myself. I used to describe myself as an "unemployed alcoholic", almost as a joke, but deep down that was the way I really thought of myself, even in recovery. My therapist told me that I was a nice guy who was making major strides in recovery and looking for a new career path. That sounded much better.

You are not an "idiot". You are a woman who is trying your best to conquer a tough illness, and you are taking strides to beat alcoholism. You are stepping away from a toxic situation at home, and making positive steps in the city with your grandmother. You are well educated, have 2 degrees, and you are working forward to getting new work experience.

Keep building these positive sober experiences! Your avatar looks like a little bunny rabbit in a carrot space-ship, ready to go where no man has gone before, and he's taking you along for the ride! :)

Your not an idiot and it sounds like things are getting better and your more positive. You can't change the past so you shouldn't beat yourself over it. We all have things we regret, but you have to be able to move on from the past.

You sound so much better Tetra. I hope you can make some permanent arrangements to get you away from the toxic atmosphere at home.
I hope you don't mind advice from a 'mature' woman, which is to do as much as you can to help your grandmother rather than cause her extra work. That makes a big difference to everyone's stress levels.

Tetra, I'm so happy to read your upbeat post. Nothing can take away the sober time you accomplished. It was still a great achievement. Please don't focus on the slips - almost no one gets through this without having them. You're doing great. :)

Walking on the beach in Ireland...it sounds like Heaven on Earth to this native Californian. I was there for a week once, and it was such a beautiful place. My husband and I talk of taking a trip there someday, after we are done with paying for college and all of the other crazy expenses that come with being a parent. It seems like a million years away.

I think we sometimes forget how fortunate we are, each in our own way. I have the sunshine, I live near the beach, I can be in the mountains in an hour, in Hollywood in twenty minutes, Disneyland in fifteen, in Palm Springs in two and a half hours, San Francisco in seven. Within driving distance are endless amusements, interesting places, fun ways to pass the time. And I take it all for granted. How many people pay lots of their hard earned money to get to where I live, or where you are staying with your Grandma?

The funny thing is that I used to despair about what I would do with myself when I stopped drinking. It seems ridiculous now. I'm glad that you're getting your sobriety back in hand. Life is too short to waste it in a haze of alcohol, or ill,or depressed as a result of our addiction. Thank God I realized this before I had wasted all of my life in such a state. I guess we all have a lot to be grateful for.

Tetra,

I am so glad that you had the courage to leave that toxic environment you were in. Things are already looking up for you! Be nice to yourself, babysteps will take you towards the wonderful life that you deserve! (((HUGS)))

Tetra Love your attitude! Glad you are feeling more positive today!:)

Can I babysit Jake when you go!!!! happyface:

Tetra,

Happy to see such a upbeat post from you.

keep it up!

maxx:ring

That sounds like a much better environment for you Tetra. I'm happy for you that you made the move there. I would bet there are more opportunities for employment in a city as well.

Great news, keep up the good work.

Tetra don't dwell on the past,you are sober today,the only day that is important.

Pleased to hear you sounding positive and happier,be kind to yourself you deserve it.

Tetra,

I have been reading your posts for quite a while now. You have 4 pages of Threads you have started since June 2010, 95% have very negative headings. I want to be careful here because I (and only I) feel like I am walking a very thin line between believing you really WANT that chance at sobriety and freedom you so desperately seem to be seeking.

So much encouragement, advice,positive thoughts have been given to you over the last 3 1/2 years, one can only wonder if you just seem to feel the need to put yourself down at the hands of others in your family. You are 32 years old, Tetra, what are you waiting for? You are no longer indebted to your mother and her toxicity or your brother and his belittling you. I fear in reading these threads you do not believe you are worthy enough to have your OWN life. Good or Bad? This (IMOO) has come to make me believe you need some serious psychological therapy. You are NOT a doormat, yet you seem to allow people in your life to treat you that way as if you deserve nothing more.

I will tell you this Tetra --You will never receive respect if you don't respect yourself. People will treat you exactly the way you feel you should be treated. There is something in your mind that sees you as less than you are.

You are 32 years old and to read some of your posts my heart breaks for the hurtful feelings of a little girl, not a grown women. Perhaps you still see yourself as that little girl? You are not--you are young enough to take control of your OWN life. throw mama from the train along with anyone who does not respect you enough to treat you as such.

IMOO Gran is your way out. Your strength manifests itself when with her by your side. Live with her and grow strong enough to get sober and tell the rest of your critics to F--- off. Live the life you were destined to have as an adult not the broken little girl that still exists within you. You are as good if not better than Many people out there. Stop allowing people to work you over. I fear you have become your worst enemy.

Forgive me if this may seem harsh, hate me if you must, but please consider what I have said. It is after all only my opinion! I sincerely am in your corner--change has to start now or you will have wasted what could be a very liberating one.

Sincerely.
TrixMixer