AdanteFornax

Hi,

My name's Adam and I'm struggling right now. I've been a binge drinker verging on the daily for years. Been in and out of AA for over 7 years but still go back to the booze. I guess I've just not really stopped even though I managed 6 months a while ago.

Last Thursday I started drinking. 4 cans of 8.5% cider. I finally stopped on Wednesday morning with the last can at 10 in the morning. In total I guess I drank over 180 units in that time. I feel wretched, cannot sleep, have called in sick all week to a new job that I only started a week and a half ago. Such feelings of shame, guilt and remorse. Did I mention I feel wretched ?

I've not slept properly since Wednesday, maybe 3-4 hours a night and then fitfully tossed and turned. I've not really eaten either but have been drinking complan, taking a berrocca in the morning and drinking lots of water. I know this will pass with each day but at the moment ...

I just feel numb and scared

Try18

I identify with how you feel right now Adam as am in a similar position. Keep going. You know yourself it can and will get better.

AdanteFornax

Thank you try. I know we can do this. As long as we don't pick up again ...

Johnston

Welcome back.

AdanteFornax

Brain is shouting at me to get some weak beer to taper off the withdrawals, but I've gone 48 hours and know that this will pass. It's the staying stopped that I have problems with. After a few days thinking not too bad and I can have a few again. Insanity ?

I can NEVER EVER drink alcohol safely again.

But saying this isn't enough, I've said it many times. I've got to believe and accept it. Something I've not done and don't know how too All the times I've got wasted and the pain and suffering I've caused myself haven't been enough. What do I have to do ?

Try18

When did you last go to an AA meeting?

ippochick

do you have a sponsor in AA? it seems you need to surrender to this completely. you are powerless, but not helpless. reach out for the support that is there for you.

i never in a million years thought i could quit and make it stick. i am still early days but have hope for a future. you're not alone in this.

FeelingGreat

Hi AF, I'm sorry you're going through this but glad you've posted. Honestly, I think you need to get medical and professional help asap. Whether it's the stress of a new job, or just the addiction you may not be able to do this on your own.
It's not clear to me from your post whether you can get to work anytime soon. If not consider resigning due to 'health problems' and see if you can book into a rehab. It's better than losing your reputation as an employee.
But the main thing is to break the cycle. If AA doesn't work for you, maybe another method will, but I think you need to seek help.
Keep posting, we're all here for you and SR is a great tool for support. All the best.

kentuckydan

I started going to AA because I knew in my gut that if I got drunk again, I would not wake up the next morning. Then one night in a meeting I lost my IF. I realized that left to my own devices there would come a time and place where I would have no effective defense against taking the first drink. That I was totally powerless. I got the power to keep on going from the Program of Recovery and the Fellowship.

Skye2

Adan. I don't want to rub salt into the wound but you HAVE to get a grip on this and stop calling in sick to your new job.
As you know, things have clamped down here in the UK and if you drink yourself out of that job, you will be entitled to ZERO help in unemployment benefits.

I see you registered back in 2009, so i'm sure you know about 'plenty of water today blah-de-blah'. Please, don't lose your job!!!

AdanteFornax

Thank you Skye. I have called into work everyday at 07:30. I have told them a pack of lies and am worried that they'll suss me when I go back in on Monday. But then again it will probably be a "Are you feeling better ? " thing.

I worry about the future too much. I've just had a good friend round for a couple of hours, talking. She's a retired counsellor and it has helped a lot to just talk about things.

As for AA. I do have a sponsor and ring him regularly but when I want a drink I don't. I don't want to get talked out of a drink at the time I want one Sad I know. I just feel that self destruction is my aim and until I find out and accept my demons then it will all be to no avail.

I'm feeling a little better physically now after copious water, diarylte and complan. I might even try and eat some toast now.

Hawkeye13

Skye has a good point.

Getting to a job every day because I had to really helped me to keep a lid on my binging days. It forces you to be on a schedule.

Make yourself a promise you will not miss any more work at all. Stick to it.

Then add to this other parts of your plan to stop this binging for good.
You can do it, but you must take a stand for yourself and your own well-being AdF
Nobody else has the power but you. We can cheer you on, however, and we want to

doggonecarl

You know what doesn't work. In and out doesn't work. IN works. Working the Steps works.

Drinking doesn't work.

AdanteFornax

Well another seemingly sleepless night But still, I haven't had a drink since Wed morning.

Feel tired and emotional so far this morning but I guess/know that's normal at moment. Just got to look after myself today

Mags1

Hi Adam it's the weekend, take time to build yourself up, eat take a walk, perhaps, focus on being fit for work, Monday? I had a lot of sick days, but used up my holiday days as I was worried I might be Sussed out and lose my job, or worse, people find out what I really did in my spare time, get drunk and pass out.
The alternative I chose is so much better, no lies, embarrassment, yes some cravings, but one day at a time, the world is our oyster.

Bostonsportsfan

You need to stop drinking and reach out for help. Not sure how long you've been drinking or how bad withdrawals are, but you might need to detox to quit and if you do that's what you should be focused on.

If not you should try going to AA or getting support from family and friends.

Good luck.

lnhlalou

Not sure where to begin, I had some what of a bad weekend and drank way too much. I have tried to cut alcohol out of my life before, but I guess I never gave it my full effort.
I feel like a failure, like I shouldn't be so weak, and that I should be able to control myself. Like there is something wrong with me. I dont want to feel this way anymore, I want to be happy. How do I put right what has been broken....
I feel what you are going through

AdanteFornax

Inhlalou, don't try to cut alcohol out of your life completely. Just for today. I found it easier to break my life into bite sized chunks that I could actually deal with. Not always easy, but easier than thinking " I will never drink again"

It is the beginning of day 7 AF for me today. I feel better than last week but my brain is a great forgetterer. I must look at my early posts and feel the pain that I was in to continue this. In time it will get easier but still VERY early days and I am at my most delicate.

Good luck in you journey.