Lost for words...sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Lost for words...sure.
I've felt too ashamed to post on SR for Goddess knows how long...months? I know it's silly to feel ashamed, but somehow I do, given that 2013 has been a series of relapses. I'm about 2.5 weeks into another. Needless to say, at this point, I'm at that stage of inner torment and physical illness. Due of course to alcohol.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I've noticed the absence of HEAPS of members, and the presence of HEAPS of new ones - I guess it's just like most online forums, and indeed like rehabs (into which I've been now several times). And of course, meetings, of whatever sort.
Just want to give a wave to the few good souls that I do know here...you know who you are! (Whoops, that's not to say SR members aren't ALL good souls...just waving to those who know me and I them). The perils of internet writing.
Overall, feeling like a complete DORK (Dee may have to translate for non-Aussies :-) Great to see you back and hopefully in much less pain, Dee!
Vic
Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I've noticed the absence of HEAPS of members, and the presence of HEAPS of new ones - I guess it's just like most online forums, and indeed like rehabs (into which I've been now several times). And of course, meetings, of whatever sort.
Just want to give a wave to the few good souls that I do know here...you know who you are! (Whoops, that's not to say SR members aren't ALL good souls...just waving to those who know me and I them). The perils of internet writing.
Overall, feeling like a complete DORK (Dee may have to translate for non-Aussies :-) Great to see you back and hopefully in much less pain, Dee!
Vic
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Sorry you're having a rough time, but please...keep coming back. It took many of us multiple tries before we were able to get a good grip. Falling down isn't the problem. The problem is not getting back up again. You CAN do this. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
I felt ashamed the first few months after I signed up I didn't post much after my original thread. I was still drinking so there was I felt too ashamed to post. After quitting I've been here a lot and it's been helpful.
I wish you the best, good luck.
I wish you the best, good luck.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 480
I understand. I didn't post for quite awhile as I was still drinking and making the same mistake I said I wouldn't make. Took my last embarrassing bender to tuck my tail and come back here. I am so glad I did. The people here at SR have honestly been a saving grace. Nothing but support and advice. SR is here 24/7. I honestly don't know where I would be now (sobriety wise) without these forums and AWESOME people.
Sorry to hear about your turmoil. Stick around! I wish that you find peace and resolve soon.
Sorry to hear about your turmoil. Stick around! I wish that you find peace and resolve soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Aww thanks guys / gals...one of the awesome things about SR is that you put a post out, and then hear back encouragement from bods you've never heard from before.
Interesting observation, Dee - about me perhaps doing a bit better when I'm actively 'talking' on SR. You could well be right. (Well, of course you are, you're Dee :-))
Yes, Boston, you're quite right too...I've noticed in my 2 years membership or whatever it is, that sooooo many people just feel so crappy with their addictions and the effects on their lives, that they just do it. Just post. Put it out there. It's hard to do for the very first time, and it's just as hard to do for the umpteenth time - i.e. when you begin to to feel like a classic Chronic Relapser. Not a good feeling.
I dunno for sure, but in a way it can feel worse AFTER you've had periods of recovery; you know exactly what drinking or using WILL do to you and your daily life....and yet, you do it, again. And again.
I know that one of our esteemed regular members is about my age now (late 50s) and this member often refers to having battled for years to STAY sober. It's the [not-] staying sober part which is the bitter pill I'm swallowing. And it gags, all the way down, along with the wine - which also makes me gag. Sheessh.
Interesting observation, Dee - about me perhaps doing a bit better when I'm actively 'talking' on SR. You could well be right. (Well, of course you are, you're Dee :-))
Yes, Boston, you're quite right too...I've noticed in my 2 years membership or whatever it is, that sooooo many people just feel so crappy with their addictions and the effects on their lives, that they just do it. Just post. Put it out there. It's hard to do for the very first time, and it's just as hard to do for the umpteenth time - i.e. when you begin to to feel like a classic Chronic Relapser. Not a good feeling.
I dunno for sure, but in a way it can feel worse AFTER you've had periods of recovery; you know exactly what drinking or using WILL do to you and your daily life....and yet, you do it, again. And again.
I know that one of our esteemed regular members is about my age now (late 50s) and this member often refers to having battled for years to STAY sober. It's the [not-] staying sober part which is the bitter pill I'm swallowing. And it gags, all the way down, along with the wine - which also makes me gag. Sheessh.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Its not like you to be lost for words, Vic
Yeah, don't believe you have to be all clean and sober before you reach out and talk things over around here. Sure, quitting and staying quit is the ideal way of it, but most of us remember the days of our own drinking days when many of us struggled to get it right. Your not alone. I took six years of failed quits before I got it right. We didn't have SR back then. Didn't even have the WWW, lol.
Don't give up is what I'm saying, of course. Just don't. I know its not easy to see the future without booze. I know drinking seems to make whatever is going on just that wee bit easier in a strange way. Drinking was a solution for me too, but we all know it stopped working as a solution for so many of us eventually.
Good to have you sharing again, Vic. You'll quit and stay quit when you do. I have every hope for you!
Yeah, don't believe you have to be all clean and sober before you reach out and talk things over around here. Sure, quitting and staying quit is the ideal way of it, but most of us remember the days of our own drinking days when many of us struggled to get it right. Your not alone. I took six years of failed quits before I got it right. We didn't have SR back then. Didn't even have the WWW, lol.
Don't give up is what I'm saying, of course. Just don't. I know its not easy to see the future without booze. I know drinking seems to make whatever is going on just that wee bit easier in a strange way. Drinking was a solution for me too, but we all know it stopped working as a solution for so many of us eventually.
Good to have you sharing again, Vic. You'll quit and stay quit when you do. I have every hope for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Robby, me old mate, you got my intended title in one...hence my addendum of '[yeh] sure'. The encouragement from you and others to NEVER give up is so important. I say that, because - as I know my pattern now - there are indeed many moments, hours, days even, when one's mind goes far too easily into that dark place. Where the [in]famous Eff It factor comes into play, really powerfully.
Most of us know it, unfortunately: variations on the theme of 'eff the whole "recovery" game / rhetoric / exhortations .' Or 'eff the power of addiction - i.e. I AM truly powerless in the brain science sense, not the XX sense, over this stuff, so I simply can't stay off it [ insert DOC]'. Or, even more darkly, 'eff trying to live in today's world, whether drinking or abstinent.' And so on.
I've been through all variations of the above. From my time on SR, in rehabs and in meetings, I sense that a majority of people do too. After all, substance addiction speaks directly - alas - to the timeless conundrum of sheer existence. Existence / living on planet Earth can be BOTH beautiful AND unbearable. You know and feel that. I know and feel that. Most other members here know and feel that. Some may not talk about it in these terms, but it's often the theme between the lines.
I'm not by any means glorifying addiction by speaking in this way. It's just my experience of both active addiction and also trying to live sober, both.
SR is frankly the only place where we can get down n dirty with some of this stuff. Well, for me, it is anyway.
Most of us know it, unfortunately: variations on the theme of 'eff the whole "recovery" game / rhetoric / exhortations .' Or 'eff the power of addiction - i.e. I AM truly powerless in the brain science sense, not the XX sense, over this stuff, so I simply can't stay off it [ insert DOC]'. Or, even more darkly, 'eff trying to live in today's world, whether drinking or abstinent.' And so on.
I've been through all variations of the above. From my time on SR, in rehabs and in meetings, I sense that a majority of people do too. After all, substance addiction speaks directly - alas - to the timeless conundrum of sheer existence. Existence / living on planet Earth can be BOTH beautiful AND unbearable. You know and feel that. I know and feel that. Most other members here know and feel that. Some may not talk about it in these terms, but it's often the theme between the lines.
I'm not by any means glorifying addiction by speaking in this way. It's just my experience of both active addiction and also trying to live sober, both.
SR is frankly the only place where we can get down n dirty with some of this stuff. Well, for me, it is anyway.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Yeah, Vic. I hear you.
You know, it takes whatever it takes, there is really no way around that for any of us. The drink does its thing and we manage(d) it poorly until we don't manage it at all. Of course quitting works too - much better then drink ever did for me. You'll get there too, Vic. I was so completely messed up and yet here I am! Talking with YOU!
Sure enough, you'll quit again, Vic. I wish staying quit was easier at first, but its just not the way of it for so many of us, unfortunately. I suppose we just have to make lemonade with all the lemons our past drinking has harvested for us. It is what it is, of course.
You're brave, Vic. Have courage, girl.
You know, it takes whatever it takes, there is really no way around that for any of us. The drink does its thing and we manage(d) it poorly until we don't manage it at all. Of course quitting works too - much better then drink ever did for me. You'll get there too, Vic. I was so completely messed up and yet here I am! Talking with YOU!
Sure enough, you'll quit again, Vic. I wish staying quit was easier at first, but its just not the way of it for so many of us, unfortunately. I suppose we just have to make lemonade with all the lemons our past drinking has harvested for us. It is what it is, of course.
You're brave, Vic. Have courage, girl.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thank you Lenina. Yes, it feels oddly like Coming Home - to the SR family. All over the world we are, and yet.....we're close, in our experiences, and how deeply we talk about stuff. Truly remarkable.
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