HJFgirl

Hello I would appreciate suggestions on how best to help a sponsee who is an alcoholic but maybe more than that, a relationship addict. She 13th stepped a newcomer (she is 2 yrs sober) against my advise and I feel she has made him her higher power. He suffers from PTSD and is a volatile personality. She relapsed 30 days ago and has begun step work again, from the beginning - Step 1. She explains her relapse by saying she felt overwhelmed and wanted to do "something bad." It should be noted that she said HE relapsed prior to her. They both came back to meetings immediately after their "episodes" Prior to every meeting with me, she begins by saying "first of all, I want to say I love (name)" and then goes on to say how she feels spiritually bankrupt. She told me "you were right, I shouldn't have gotten involved,but now it's too late" and I replied that it's never to late to let go. I believe she is ashamed and her pride keeps her from giving him the boot. I have stressed 3rd step, prayer and meditation, need to get honest, but am really at a loss. My sponsor just tells me "she needs a spiritual solution" but offers no clear guidance on how to help her with that. Ideas?

makomago

Why are you giving advice and telling your sponsee what to do? That is controlling behaviour, or if you like codependent behaviour!

In order to help her I would suggest stop trying to run her life for her.

HJFgirl

Thanks but I don't feel I am trying to "run her life" just trying to help her stay sober, I know I am not a relationship counselor and do not pretend to be. My job is to fulfill our primary purpose.

Gottalife

I had a similar experience in my first few weeks in AA, being 13 stepped by a woman 18 months sober and several years older. For what it's worth, this is how it went.

My sponsor bit his lip. He knew that I was going to do what I was going to do regardless of what he said, so he said nothing and when it all went wrong, as he knew it would, he was there to catch me. Had he said something, I may not have felt able to go to him - false pride.

There were a string of consequences after the relationship which were beyond my control, each event building a dangerous resentment in me to the point where I could not be in the same room. This looked like becoming a barrier between me and AA, which was life threatening.

I was working the steps right through and sobriety remained my first priority. AA does not tell me how to run my life, especially what relationships to have. That's between me and God, and to God is where it was suggested I turn for a solution to the resentment.

I prayed and prayed but the resentment remained. Then an answer came. I had to look at my part. Being emotionally, mentally and spiritually sick, I was in no state to have a relationship in the normal sense of the word (I was 22 with a mental age of about 13). I was genuinely trying to do the right thing, but, I discovered, I didn't actually have any idea what the right thing was. I was trying to live in this picture in my mind of the perfect existence, and when I looked closely enough I found I was driven entirely by instincts, sex, security and prestige. My involvement with this woman was entirely selfish, there was no love involved at all. I had been using her as much, if not more, than she had used me.

I went to her and explained my part, asking forgiveness, which she gave without any contrition. But I didn't go to point out her faults anyway. My action set me free and enabled me to learn a huge lesson without having to drink over it.

I later discovered I was just one in a long line and many others did drink. I believe it was because I was so far on with the steps that I was kept safe. She continued her predatory ways and drank again several times. She has been sober now about 20 years, but her daughter tells me there is something more about her, something missing in her ability to relate with people, a problem other than alcoholism. But she managed to get sober inspite of that, and I occasionally see her in meetings and I'm fine with that.

I guess the moral of the story is that no one tried to tell me what to do, other than to guide me towards seeking a solution from the God of my understanding., This approach, which is the essence of steps 10 and 11, has enabled me to develop a life free of dependence on anything human, especially AA.

If this is a serious co-depence problem, then there may be nothing you can do directly unless you have experience/special knowledge of that area. I have only come across this once in 33 years, but the codependent relationship I saw was the most destructive, controlling, dangerous drama I have ever seen. It was staggering, and well beyond my experience. Professional help was the only option.

HJFgirl

Thank you, Mike that is extremely helpful to me. I need to remember live and let live and also that God's got this. I appreciate you sharing your experience, strength, and hope!

Threshold

Working the steps honestly is what brings a spiritual awakening.

I think your remaining a sponsor leading her through the steps is the best and most appropriate way to help.

I got involved with a man (alcoholic with on and off sobriety) early in my recovery. My sponsor neither recommended nor condemned the relationship. He just kept on being my sponsor and guiding me in the steps and when I would go bawling to him over something tell me something he learned in the program and in sober life.

He had 23 yrs when he became my sponsor and had done and sponsored people through just about any kind of experience you can imagine.

I never had to resent him, because he never played any role other than sponsor. Guiding me in the steps and sharing his own E,S and H.

EndGameNYC

As already suggested, working and then living the AA Twelve Steps as beautifully described in the Big Book lays the groundwork for a spiritual awakening. There are no guarantees since this outcome relies heavily on the honesty and determination of the person working the steps. In AA, there is no other way.

Relationship addiction is a force of nature, every bit as obsessive and damaging as alcoholism. The end result is the same in both cases...The waste of a life, and never-ending suffering. Even dynamite cannot separate two people trapped in pathological dependency. It's them against the world. You'd just as soon talk someone out of drinking as you would talk someone out of a destructive relationship. Parents face this dilemma regularly with their children.

Alcohol is mentioned only once in the twelve steps, and there's nothing in the Big Book that tells us how to stop drinking. It's all about living a better life, which includes service to others based on our spiritual fitness. Being bound by our obsession with other people is one of the most powerful dynamics in human nature, and will not cease unless and until we are spiritually fit or, from another perspective, unless and until we work to be our authentic selves.

LadyBlue0527

Well, you learn something new every day. I had to go look up what 13 stepping is.

I don't know which bothers me more, the act itself or that it happens so often that it even warranted a term.

For those who don't know it's a person in AA that's been sober for a while who hits on newcomers. Disgusting.

For the love of God, is nothing sacred?

IOAA2

LB0527. A long time ago someone I never liked said "we expect the sick to act well." To me this fits the 13th steppers and the victim. It's a difficult situation as we have 2 people who are emotionally unbalanced to begin with. At a meeting I attend several old time women made it very clear to a 13 stepper to back off.

BE WELL

EndGameNYC

I was told that the thirteenth step goes something like this: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."

Weaver

13th steppers? lol

Oh my...

TiredWolf

Or how about two addicts/alcoholics having an affair during early recovery is akin to two garbage trucks colliding!