lillyknitting

In my quest for sobriety, as some of you may know, I've had to ditch my Friday night friends. Following my absence from last Fridays merry-go-round booze up I have since been insulted and ignored totally by the so-called friends. These are the very people who used to tell me: how much they loved me, how beautiful I am, nearest & dearest. Longest and dearest friend, etc etc. I think deep down I knew this would happen that if I left the "gang" I would be cast aside, castigated and at the moment I'm probably just feeling a sense of hurt pride for I know deep in my heart these are NOT real friends but just drinking buddies and the realization of this is part of my growth and change into a wonderful world of sobriety! Any comments would be gratefully accepted.

Dee74

I found out who my friends were lilly.

Real friends care about your welfare and support you in things like recovery, and I'm glad I had some like that.

The rest? we parted ways - for the better I think

D

RobbyRobot

You followed through and your not really surprised by their behavior. We all have similar experiences of getting on with our lives and leaving the still drinking so-called friends wherever we walked out of the drama. It hurts some, but it really isn't surprising about the outcomes.

Good for you!

pinkdog

Hi lilly, recovery brings many changes. I think we all know how you feel. Your healthy life will be well worth it. Definitely. Hugs.

Plenny

Hi lilly,
I'm going through the same thing right now. Most of my old crowd doesn't know what to do with me. I've slipped up a few times, and they always seem relieved. Or they say they haven't called because they know I'm not drinking. I definitely know they talk about me.
I'm having a lot of trouble feeling satisfied with it. It's good to see you are processing it. I have some steadfast supporters, which I do feel lucky to have. But I'm really aware that I'm focusing on those who have abandoned me or made me feel bad. I know I need to focus on those who don't seem to care whether I drink or not. I hope you do too.
Good luck

Plenny

lillyknitting

I know I'm doing the right thing. They have treated me terribly. I've done nothing wrong. I too have amazing support: two other long long term friends who absolutely and categorically understand my alcoholism and the dreadful states I've got in as well as the terrible devastation on my marriage. My unending support from my husband and daughter. I just feel a bit low. This I know will pass. Thank you for your comments.

GracieLou

Fear.

For them you are now a threat to their way of life. They are afraid you will try and get them to stop drinking and they are not ready or willing to hear it. You never know. One of these people may get to the same point you have. They may reach out to you in the future and you will be ready for them. You will embrace them as others have embraced you but for now, this is your time.

My ex-husband was supposed to come over last Saturday. He calls about every three months or so and comes to visit at least once a year. He never showed or called. I called him Sunday because I wanted to know what happened. I was angry and worried.

He gave a lame excuse that he got busy. He was not busy, he was afraid. He does not know what to do or how to act without the exchange of alcohol. I know this because I was the exact same way. The thought of spending the afternoon with someone that was sober was NOT my idea of a good time. Today the thought of spending my afternoon with someone that is drinking is not my idea of a good time.

Even though he was my ex, that bond I felt we shared was only there because the alcohol glued it together. Without it, the bond is broken. I have to admit I was a little shaken by it. He never, ever turned down a chance to see me. The one he quotes his ever dying love for. The one he would jump an ocean for if he thought he had a chance to get back together. I have heard those types of endearing promises for over a decade.

That is gone. The alcohol is his ever lasting love and I am now the threat. He could face another man in my life, if I had one, but sobriety? No.

That is the one part of my life now that he has no way to compete with. It is the same with your friends. They cannot compete with it and they dare not compare themselves to it, so pushing you out is their only way to eliminate the threat and hide the fear.

It is not your pride that is raising its ugly head, it is theirs.

Nevertheless

Time will tell. People are creatures of habit. We get in a routine and try to stay there. Looking at the bigger picture,the routine has been disrupted.
Once the dust settles and everyone gets used to the way things are (a new routine). I think you will find these people are still your friends.
But if they can't accept your new way of life,then they really aren't worth your time.
A friend is someone that knows everything that is wrong with you,and still likes you.

Fred

Boleo

With friends like that... Who needs enemies?

PhaseTwo

They don't like that you admitted you had a problem because that means they probably do too.

Threshold

Hugs. It hurts. I've had similar painful awakenings in the past few months.

I am glad that you (and I ) do also have friends who we can count on for continued friendship and support.

And as flip as it sounds...there ARE 7 billion people on the planet...we'll make new friends, and be friends to new people!

22NGONE

I found real friends in A.A. It's really not about you it's what you make them feel about themselves.... and they are not ready/willing to confront that yet.

HeadLump

I agree with GracieLou, I think the underlying reason is fear - fear that you are strong enough to do something that they are not. Your success casts light on their failings and they don't like it, so they huddle together and belittle you because then they feel better.

True friends will understand the devastation that drinking has caused and will only want the best for you.

You're putting yourself and your family first, lily, and that's got to be right

Like2Hike

Thanks for starting this thread, Lillyknitting. There are good responses that I'm gaining from. I've been very surprised at how many of my friends at work and home are put off by my stopping drinking. I've never evangalised sobriety instead remained very low key about it on the outside. Hah! Nothing like the battles that raged inside me for 3 months or so. It's been dissappointing that some of my friends have been offended.

karate

I guess ill post this in the blunt nature , people accuse me of .

Please don't think blunt is ment to be hateful , I just call it as I see it .

If your friends revolved around a simple activity like drinking ,and now that you don't - they alienate you . Well my opinion is they were not your friends in the first place .

I would -in my blunt fashion ,tell them to go to hell , id likely be a bit more descriptive than that

erics

I did the same thing. But I was the one who pulled out of my drinking crowd. Just sort of disappeared. I haven't heard from ONE of them a yr and a half later, although I'm relieved of that as I'd have to explain why I disappeared. I too thought we had the most incredible, fun, in depth friendships there were to have, but with some time away I can see that was all chemical. It's been said already but you are a threat to them, and some are having to confront their own worries about their own drinking. I used to look at people who got sober and think " why would anyone want to do THAT"? They were a threat to me, they made me uncomfortable and made me examine my drinking. So I ditched them. It all makes sense now but at the time it was grief. Grief over lost " friends", camaraderie, adventures, deep conversation blah blah blah. I know now we all were only friends on the weekends. We didn't talk all week but on the weekend it was like a reunion all the time. Come Sunday we were holed up recovering and isolated, only to call each other to go get Bloody Mary's to " feel better". Give it time and allow yourself to grieve, but know that something much, much better is waiting for you!

MrGhost

You said it, it goes both ways, they were people you couldn't be yourself around and knew that but when you chose the drink you chose people you didn't really want in your life either. So you don't like them as friends either, as people you may care about them, but as anything more..I can gaurantee you do not. And once you realize this, you will feel better, relieved in actuality, and much happier that you can now have REAL people in your life and not some idiots who you were probably better off alone from but the drink had you living a life you did not want. You lose nothing in this, and you gain peace. It is a wonderful feeling getting rid of parasites in your life, you'll begin to reeeally enjoy it soon, trust me on that one! lol.

LadyBlue0527

lillyknitting,

For me this was probably one of the hardest parts of getting sober. In the beginning anyway. It's hard enough to fight cravings and know that you're friends are out there partying away while you're sitting at home trying to do whatever it is that you need to do to stay sober. It gets better, it really does.

Someone who truly cares about you would not care whether you drink or not. In fact, they would be supportive of your effort. Those who aren't supportive have one person that they're looking out for and that's themselves. GracieLou hit the nail on the head, you are a threat to their way of life and you inadvertently are forcing them to consider in their own minds if they have an issue.

I think for us it also hurts to find out that what we thought was such a deep friendship was really nothing more than having the love of alcohol in common.

You'll build a sober network and it will be with people who really don't care what drink you're holding in your hand. The best thing is that you know that it's real.

DarkDays

I was out with freinds the other week in a bar noisy pub watching a band , as I stood there I thought to myself I would be happy with no freinds rather than do this every week , but maybe that's just me. I have felt low too Lilly at times but realise it's just the AVs sneaky way of trying to lure back down the dark path to pain and misery.

Feeling a bit low is ok as long as you see it for what is. You gotta actually look at what you are doing , freeing yourself from a horrible prison of obsession / hangovers / fights / ill . health etc. Be proud Lilly.

kentuckydan

Early in sobriety, a bunch of us decided to get some pop and pizzas and socialize after a Saturday night meeting, I was sitting, in my usual manner in those days among but not with? But I was enjoying the fellowship around me and the thought came. I used to do this. Do things with a group of fiends. Of course in those days the doing was drinking, But somehow along the way, they all just faded away. I looked around one night in a bar and there was no one there but me. There was a guy who sat in his usual bar stool beside my usual bar stool and I looked at him and thought. We have been sitting here for how many years solving all the world's problems and I don't even know your name,

I know it hurts to lose those you thought were your friends, but you are now on a path that will lead you to TRUE friendship and and unconditional love. It's a wonderous and magic outcome, so don't stay in the sadness and pain, just be grateful for where you are