JLC82

Question... and trust me I want honest answers. It won't hurt. I'm in recovery,hit the 28 day mark of sobriety today. It's an accomplishment in itself, but I must surpass today and I will because I did 28 days back in April in rehab, came out and royally f*cked up. My dad is a crack addict and an alcoholic, he relapsed last year, fled Illinois and turned up 2 months later in Louisiana. I am his only child. I am 31, he is 49. He was the definition of a true dead beat. Always, a loner, drifting from state to state, dodging child-support, living with and off of various women (yada, yada yada). I met him for the first time that I remember at 14. I flew to Texas and spent the summer with him. He came to Chicago when I was 16 (high as a kite with a high as a kite girlfriend).He disappeared again until I was 26. Just a few phone calls during those years. He popped up out of the blue one day, totally strung out on crack, married to a woman my age who was totally strung out on heroin. Her parents came and got her, got the marriage annulled. He was left here. I did a lot financially, which wasn't asked, but I just wanted to make sure he was comfortable. I had no idea of co-dependancy at this time. I wasn't even drinking (my disease started a few years later). Long story short. I remember in rehab, they said that addiction is selfish and self satisfying. Every conversation we have is all about him. Once he found out that I was in rehab, he told me it was a mistake because it didn't work for him. When I relapsed after rehab, he was like I told you so. Once I started drinking heavier and couldn't sober up, he would call me, trying to pry me for information (which drunkingly I would give) and then gossip among family and his new girl friend about me. He would then say.. oh I'm concerned. Now that my mind is clear, and I am back into being me. I had a conversation with him a few hours ago and although he is not using (crack) he still drinks. Its a pure cat and mouse game. He is manipulative, deceiving, switches subjects, tries to jumble me, if he can't hide or lie, he hurries to get off the phone (avoidance)... but it does not work. I told him today that I hit 28 days on my own. I'm working a good job. I'm getting my life in order and that I am an alcoholic and always will be. He uses his addictions in past tense. I was an addict, I was an alcoholic. I only drink to go to sleep. I told him, either you are who you are or you aren't. There is no past tense. How do you guys deal with people with ADDICT behavior ?

Thanks,
Jazz

Pete55

Walk away and pray for them.

suki44883

Your father is toxic. If you want to live a sober life, you are going to have to distance yourself from him. As you said, he is manipulative and deceiving. He does not have your best interests at heart. His problems are his own. You need to do what you know is best for YOU. He certainly isn't going to.

Walk away and pray for him is very good advice.

Dee74

I had to remove myself from toxic people. Some of those people were family members (different reasons, but no less toxic)

it was rough but it was necessary.

D

bigsombrero

How do you deal with toxic people? That's easy. You don't.

It's tough when it's a family member, so I don't say it lightly. However, it sounds like you're in a pretty delicate place right now - and you should really be putting yourself first. Worrying about your father is no better than worrying about an ex-boyfriend or the mean girl on the cheerleading team in high school. It does you no good. At all. It only gives you grief.

Perhaps its best to stop calling him for a while, and start setting new boundaries. There's no need to lay out any ultimatums -- just focus on your own life and start working on yourself. What makes you happy? An autumn walk in the city tomorrow morning? A cup of coffee on the porch? Resting up on the couch with some chocolate ice cream after a big first week on the job? Start doing things for yourself, treat yourself right, and start pushing negative people, places, and things to the back of the line.

Congrats on 28 days, tomorrow will be 29! One day at a time, we get there.

Skye2

Your situation sounds SO like mine, only in my case it's my own daughter One minute everything would be fine (although I did suspect she was overdoing the caring bit) and the next she would turn nasty or go silent. I ended up relapsing over her behaviour until it dawned on me what was happening. I ended up taking back control and walked out of her house.

Perhaps in time, when I'm a bit stronger, things might be different, but the manipulation, lies and gossiping/bending the truth to family, have been happening since she was 17 (she's now in her early 30's) so I doubt she'll change

One thing I noticed is that she hated it, if I seemed to be happy or doing well in life. No idea if that's what motivates her, but I almost had a breakdown over it all.

Hugs to you Xx

pinkdog

Hi JLC, especially in early sobriety, I limited my time with people who are manipulative. Focus on your own recovery first. Above all. Great job so far. Keep going friend.

GracieLou

Congrats on your 28 days, that is wonderful!

+1

Just because someone is family this should not get them any more consideration then a person off the street when it comes to toxic behavior that may threaten your sobriety. It only makes it harder because of how you think, not how they think.

When family wants the best for us, you will know, even if their behavior is less then encouraging. They feel in their hearts that they are helping even when what they are doing may be the worse thing you need. You can tell the difference though. In these cases you may have to distance yourself but not cut them out of your life. As we get stronger then we can deal with it more and learn to appreciate what we do get.

It does not sound like your father is the example of the above. He sounds like he is only interested in his needs and wants. He is classic active alcoholic. The only way to deal with that until he gets sober himself is not to deal with it. It is not your responsibility to do so.

Your sobriety should come first, always. If he calls, don't answer. I mean really what have you got to lose? You can go on your merry way or have a repeat of this last conversation. Do what is best for you. It is your life.

tootsl1

He is not a 'father' in any sense other than biological. Walk away and live your life for yourself.

IOAA2

It may be too late however Al Anon can be very helpful along with friends and families of alcoholics on this forum.

BE WELL

Hawkeye13

I agree with detachment / No contact suggestions here.

I almost let a toxic parent destroy my entire life and marriage. It was so not worth it. Your sobriety and mental health should come first in this situation.