Best Advice?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Best Advice?
Hi,
I thought that I would post this here and see if anyone has some advice for me. I've lived with an ABF for 10 years. He's always been an A, but in the past few years he's been a stage 5 or 6. I'm going by the following description I've found:
Stage 5: Alcohol dependence. A wide range of additional alcoholic behaviors and symptoms manifest: more frequent memory blackouts, true dependence on alcohol, finding excuses to drink, unwilling to discuss the problem, dramatic mood and behavior changes, continues to drink when others have stopped, repeatedly fails to follow through on commitments, tells lies, avoids family and friends, finds non-drinkers boring, difficulty keeping a job or managing money.
Stage 6: End stage alcoholism. Obsessed with drinking, seldom eats, stays drunk for long periods of time, increasingly amoral behavior, health deteriorates, highly resentful of anything or anybody that interferes with their drinking, excessively emotional.
My question is this. Is there anything I can do at all to get through to him before he loses everything? I fear not, but I'll take any suggestions.
I thought that I would post this here and see if anyone has some advice for me. I've lived with an ABF for 10 years. He's always been an A, but in the past few years he's been a stage 5 or 6. I'm going by the following description I've found:
Stage 5: Alcohol dependence. A wide range of additional alcoholic behaviors and symptoms manifest: more frequent memory blackouts, true dependence on alcohol, finding excuses to drink, unwilling to discuss the problem, dramatic mood and behavior changes, continues to drink when others have stopped, repeatedly fails to follow through on commitments, tells lies, avoids family and friends, finds non-drinkers boring, difficulty keeping a job or managing money.
Stage 6: End stage alcoholism. Obsessed with drinking, seldom eats, stays drunk for long periods of time, increasingly amoral behavior, health deteriorates, highly resentful of anything or anybody that interferes with their drinking, excessively emotional.
My question is this. Is there anything I can do at all to get through to him before he loses everything? I fear not, but I'll take any suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Greeting from Cleveland. My wife's family lives in Dayton.
I don't know what you can do - he has to want to help himself.
I have known several people that were "stage 5 & 6" but didn't and wouldn't quit drinking no matter what anyone said or did.
I had a friend who got throat cancer from smoking, had radiation for the cancer, and then continued to smoke!! Well in the end the cancer killed him at age 62.
If you go the "threat route" it will only work if you follow through on your threats; but I still feel he has to want to clean up - nobody else can make him.
I don't know what you can do - he has to want to help himself.
I have known several people that were "stage 5 & 6" but didn't and wouldn't quit drinking no matter what anyone said or did.
I had a friend who got throat cancer from smoking, had radiation for the cancer, and then continued to smoke!! Well in the end the cancer killed him at age 62.
If you go the "threat route" it will only work if you follow through on your threats; but I still feel he has to want to clean up - nobody else can make him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by doniker 
Greeting from Cleveland. My wife's family lives in Dayton.
I don't know what you can do - he has to want to help himself.
I have known several people that were "stage 5 & 6" but didn't and wouldn't quit drinking no matter what anyone said or did.
I had a friend who got throat cancer from smoking, had radiation for the cancer, and then continued to smoke!! Well in the end the cancer killed him at age 62.
If you go the "threat route" it will only work if you follow through on your threats; but I still feel he has to want to clean up - nobody else can make him.
I don't know what you can do - he has to want to help himself.
I have known several people that were "stage 5 & 6" but didn't and wouldn't quit drinking no matter what anyone said or did.
I had a friend who got throat cancer from smoking, had radiation for the cancer, and then continued to smoke!! Well in the end the cancer killed him at age 62.
If you go the "threat route" it will only work if you follow through on your threats; but I still feel he has to want to clean up - nobody else can make him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
It's all you can do.
Complaining and nagging doesn't work; it only will make him mad and he will drink more.
I am going through this with my wife; I got sober but she still drinks everyday and doesn't want to be told she should stop.
You said you have been together 10 years. Was his drinking always an issue with you? If not why is it now? That is another popular excuse my wife uses.
Complaining and nagging doesn't work; it only will make him mad and he will drink more.
I am going through this with my wife; I got sober but she still drinks everyday and doesn't want to be told she should stop.
You said you have been together 10 years. Was his drinking always an issue with you? If not why is it now? That is another popular excuse my wife uses.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I would consider telling him that you are leaving because it is the best chance for him to recover. Tell him that you will return only after he has made a good beginning with his recovery. This is likely his best chance at recovery.
Of course if he then makes a commitment to stop immediately (and he will require medical help) then see if he is serious. If he begins to seek help immediately, only then consider staying. Make it clear that if he slips in his commitment, only once, you will need to leave.
This may be the most loving thing that you can do for him.
Of course if he then makes a commitment to stop immediately (and he will require medical help) then see if he is serious. If he begins to seek help immediately, only then consider staying. Make it clear that if he slips in his commitment, only once, you will need to leave.
This may be the most loving thing that you can do for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by doniker
It's all you can do.
Complaining and nagging doesn't work; it only will make him mad and he will drink more.
I am going through this with my wife; I got sober but she still drinks everyday and doesn't want to be told she should stop.
You said you have been together 10 years. Was his drinking always an issue with you? If not why is it now? That is another popular excuse my wife uses.
Complaining and nagging doesn't work; it only will make him mad and he will drink more.
I am going through this with my wife; I got sober but she still drinks everyday and doesn't want to be told she should stop.
You said you have been together 10 years. Was his drinking always an issue with you? If not why is it now? That is another popular excuse my wife uses.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I see you've posted to F&F forum. So you've gotten the al-alon recommendations right? Work on your recovery, not his? But you thought you'd find an answer here....
Best Advice?
It boils down to two choices. Stay and watch him drink himself to death. Or leave.
I vote for number two. But if you've already stayed for ten years, you are already living choice one.
My prayers go out to you. Every day I'm sober I give thanks that I'm sparing my loved ones the nightmare of my drinking.
Best Advice?
It boils down to two choices. Stay and watch him drink himself to death. Or leave.
I vote for number two. But if you've already stayed for ten years, you are already living choice one.
My prayers go out to you. Every day I'm sober I give thanks that I'm sparing my loved ones the nightmare of my drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I see you've posted to F&F forum. So you've gotten the al-alon recommendations right? Work on your recovery, not his? But you thought you'd find an answer here....
Best Advice?
It boils down to two choices. Stay and watch him drink himself to death. Or leave.
I vote for number two. But if you've already stayed for ten years, you are already living choice one.
My prayers go out to you. Every day I'm sober I give thanks that I'm sparing my loved ones the nightmare of my drinking.
Best Advice?
It boils down to two choices. Stay and watch him drink himself to death. Or leave.
I vote for number two. But if you've already stayed for ten years, you are already living choice one.
My prayers go out to you. Every day I'm sober I give thanks that I'm sparing my loved ones the nightmare of my drinking.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I think there has been some great advice so far. Though it is tough medicine to take, it may help the alcoholic to feel the full consequences of his drinking. As an end stager myself, I kept drinking as long as I could getaway with it. I didn't want to stop until I had lost everything.
However, in the course of my drinking I had had treatment at one point, and through that, contact with AA. So I knew there was help if I wanted it, but I didn't want it at the time.
Where is your ABF in this. Has he had treatment? Does he know there is help available? If he does then I guess your leaving might be required to prompt him to act.
If he doesn't know there is a solution, there are some great suggestions in the Big Book, in the chapter to wives, on how you can subtly let him know there is help available, and how to work with a recovered AA member to make sure there is someone available to talk to him when an opportunity arises. Always assuming you can find an AA member who knows what's in the book of course.
It's a big decision to walk away from a relationship, and it may in the end be the only option. So I just post this in case there is one last thing you could try before making this big decision.
However, in the course of my drinking I had had treatment at one point, and through that, contact with AA. So I knew there was help if I wanted it, but I didn't want it at the time.
Where is your ABF in this. Has he had treatment? Does he know there is help available? If he does then I guess your leaving might be required to prompt him to act.
If he doesn't know there is a solution, there are some great suggestions in the Big Book, in the chapter to wives, on how you can subtly let him know there is help available, and how to work with a recovered AA member to make sure there is someone available to talk to him when an opportunity arises. Always assuming you can find an AA member who knows what's in the book of course.
It's a big decision to walk away from a relationship, and it may in the end be the only option. So I just post this in case there is one last thing you could try before making this big decision.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
He will get to the next stage sooner than later, then sorry to say oblivion.
there is nothing you can do to help him, he needs to recognize it, accept it, surrender it and get on with recovery.
You have already done so much to help him.
Staying with him is not helping.
there is nothing you can do to help him, he needs to recognize it, accept it, surrender it and get on with recovery.
You have already done so much to help him.
Staying with him is not helping.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Out in the Sticks
Posts: 1,788
I don't think there is much anyone can do ,or say until the individual is ready to quit .
The person has to get miserable enough ,and miserable is where it leads , I don't know how some people can hang on as long as they do .
But ,ill add one thing ,to you think about , the withdrawals are scary enough to make quitting very rough .
I don't know if you ever heard ,Cant quit drinking , cant keep drinking .
The person has to get miserable enough ,and miserable is where it leads , I don't know how some people can hang on as long as they do .
But ,ill add one thing ,to you think about , the withdrawals are scary enough to make quitting very rough .
I don't know if you ever heard ,Cant quit drinking , cant keep drinking .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
the advice to leave so far seems very practical and may be the only thing that will stop him.
You have to do what's best for you at this point, don't you think?
A happy outcome would also be for him to stop, but the only control you have is over yourself.
the advice to leave so far seems very practical and may be the only thing that will stop him.
You have to do what's best for you at this point, don't you think?
A happy outcome would also be for him to stop, but the only control you have is over yourself.
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