Tetra

My issue today is minor compared to some peoples, but I really really need to get it off my chest.

I am looking for something that I will never get: respect from my mother. All I heard for most of my 33 years on this planet is: "so-and-so's children are millionaires/geniuses/doctors/lawyers/bankers/or married to a millionaire" and "why are my children such losers?"

My mother has been in England for the past three weeks, looking after her recently widowed sister. To be honest, I have enjoyed the freedom of the past three weeks immensely. Just myself and dad in the house, painting and gardening and cooking dinners. My dad is very positive, always cheering me on "of course you can do this" or "you have a good degree" or "you fought a hard battle this year and I am proud of you". How he married my mother is beyond me as they are completely different people.

My mother came home tonight. She wasn't in the house 10 minutes before she began annoying me. "How is your epilepsy now". For the record: I have had an alcohol withdrawal seizure, I have never been diagnosed with epilepsy though I have had all the scans, and I have told her this a thousand times, but she believes what she wants. She told me she thinks I am really sick and not able to function. I have told her already that I have seen a psychiatrist twice and he told me that I did not need to continue seeing him and as long as I stay away from alcohol there is no reason why I should not live a full and normal life.

Now tonight I have been getting a blow by blow account of all my cousins. Cousin John is so good at his job and is almost running the bank. Cousin Jack is running the university. Cousin Dave is running the hospital...you get the picture. I asked about Cousin Mary...I met Mary last Christmas and I politely inquired about her work...I was informed that she is so good at her job, the CEO of the company is ready to retire and let her take over (I am not joking). I said to my mom that it was nice of Mary's CEO to let her take time off because of our uncle's death...and she said "oh did you not hear? Mary was let go last March due to the recession and she is back in college now".

So basically what I have been hearing all my life is a load of BS. Tonight it was BS from my mother. Then she turned around and said "I am so relieved to be home. I couldn't bear hearing about how well your cousins are doing when I have two sick children at home".

"Sick children". That is what struck me like a hammer. Who says I am sick? I am a recovering alcoholic, I am not "Sick". My therapist told me that my low self esteem does not equal "sickness" or "mentally ill". I just really, really hate it when my mom thinks of herself as some kind of doctor. So far she has diagnosed me with mental illness, depression, epilepsy and whatever else. In reality I am a recovering alcoholic, a bit shy, I have had a seizure but I am okay now, thank you.

I really do not know why I worry so much about what my mom thinks. What comes out of her mouth is an opinion, not fact. I am hurt and resentful tonight. I know that my extended family think I am an oddball. When my sister was diagnosed with depression years ago, my cousin turned to me and said: "I can't believe the news about your sister. My mom and I always thought that if anyone would have a mental illness it would be you, because you are so shy".

I have tried to make myself not care about my mom, but I just can't...

I have been in a really good place for the past three weeks, but I can feel the old anxieties creeping back...

I actually feel a bit lighter just having typed this out. Thanks to whoever reads this x

bigsombrero

Glad this helped you! Sounds like you are making some progress. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Cathryn2001

Awww, I'm sorry, Tetra. Our parents' words often have power over us, even when we are adults. It's difficult to break that cycle, but it sounds like you are making progress--identifying triggers and acknowledging your feelings. It also sounds like you are really working on building your self-esteem, which probably makes your mother's remarks sting even more (as you know that they are not accurate).

Thinking of you!

overit263

If it makes you feel any better, my mom does the same thing to me, and I am not an addict/alcoholic, she actually is. My mom told me years ago what I disappointment I am when she was drunk and my sister had to keep her distracted while I went to the bathroom and cried. I'm the only one of four children that left home as a teenager and have always taken care of myself without her help. I had to limit communication with her to email only because she won't change or admit that she is a nasty human being. She would tell me how great everyone else's kids are (cousins, friends etc.). It irritated the hell out of me. You're not alone, and your mother should be thrilled that you are in recovery. I know it hurts, but you have to remind yourself that she is wrong and if she cares more about what her children do for a living rather than being happy that her children are happy, she's got problems.

LadyBlue0527

First of all, I want you to know that you are AMAZING

In the face of adversity you are working on your life in a positive manner and for that your success far succeeds any of the information that your mother shared about the relatives.

Unfortunately, we don't get to pick our parents. Sometimes a person who is well meaning just doesn't even realize what they're doing.

My husband told his mother two weeks before his first wedding that he had realized that he did not want to do it, he didn't want to get married. His mother told him that he had to go through with it. She said "What will people think? The invitations have all been out for a while!". Someone hand me a sledgehammer.

She had an obsession with weight and every time someone was putting on a few pounds she'd look them up and down and then the snide remarks would start.

Have you had a discussion with your mother about how you feel? I would start there and even if you don't think that she'd listen to you it might help you.

You have a lot of people at SR that are behind you and I, for one, think you're incredible. You've handled a lot and you came here to share and vent. Please, realize, what you're going through is hard work and something that takes a very special person to accomplish

MrTumble

Is moving out an option?

GracieLou

You might and you might not. It is not for me to decide how another person should think or base my reactions or decisions on it.

I am still learning how to do this. I love my mother but I now realize that I have to look at her as a person and not my mom. I have to do this to keep sane.

Since I was a child I wanted my mom to be different. I wanted to come home from school and have cookies waiting for me like other kids had. I was a latch key kid and there was no mom or cookies. When I told her about sexual abuse she refused to believe me and to this day she still doesn't. I wanted my mom to be clueless in my life so I could live it, instead she bore her way in like a mole in every situation and relationship. I wanted her to at least once, just once, tell me thank you for a question I have answered. Small or big. I get nothing. She may admit in her head, and I say that with doubt, but she will never tell me. I wanted to be able to invite her over for dinner, instead she lives here.

What I want and I feel I need, I am not getting. So instead of feeling resentful and hateful towards her which I did for much of my life I am trying hard to look at what I do get and be grateful for it. Let me tell you that is very hard but it is getting easier. To do this I have had to distance myself from her. I do not talk to her about anything recovery related. Nothing. If I do she will bore her way in trying to "help" with her suggestions and opinions.

She will take any and all information and run every possible scenario through her mind so she can be prepared. So instead of just being honest and true, she can manipulate.

In her mind, she is trying to help, in my mind, it does everything but help.

She is not going to change, ever. I can't change her, ever. It is no different then someone trying to get me to admit I am an alcoholic. I was not going to until I was ready.

I love my mother too. She is my mom even with all the quirks and faults but I have quirks and faults too. In my situation I take what I get and leave the rest.

She is not an alcoholic. She will never understand and today I can accept that and take measures so that my sobriety is not threatened. She does not have a program, support, fellowship, understanding and God like I do.

It is one more thing I have to remind myself I have no control over and to let go.

betterlate

I haven't seen my pathological mother in almost a quarter century and she is still with me every day. I don't know if she is alive and I don't care. I just wish I could kill her presence inside me.

jazzfish

Ah, parents. Now that I am a parent, I know they tried to do the best they could with the tools they had, but... My father overcame a difficult childhood and became very successful. I was (and still am) reminded of every **** up, failure, and stupid thing I ever did. The result is that I am so afraid to try anything and have become a master at self-sabotage.

I think a big reason for the difficulties in quitting drinking are that the alcohol creates a situation where I can never see if I am good enough. My skills and talents are always diminished by alcohol so that I can never really try anything 100%. I am lucky that my parents live several states away, so visits are difficult. I am getting better slowly.

I'm not sure of the point of my reply, maybe just a mini vent of my own.

FourSeasons

Hi Tetra, You are not alone.

I have not talked to my crazy and nasty mother in over three years. Looking back, I should have walked away from her when I first graduated from college over 20 years ago.

LadyBlue is 100% correct, "Unfortunately, we don't get to pick our parents."

Though, from my own personal experience, my mother was not well meaning and knew exactly what she was doing.

Unfortunately, for the majority of my life, I longed for a normal and loving mother/daughter relationship... Just like all of my other friends have with their mothers.

I kept going back like a little puppy -- so full of hope. Yet, the end results were always the same.

After having any form of interaction with my mother, no matter how brief, I would always end up extremely depressed, anxious, angry, resentful, bitter, and consumed with rage and self-hatred. As a result, I would drink myself into oblivion on a constant basis.

I read this quote on another post in the F&F section of SR. It resonated so much to me and I now have this quote saved as a sticky on my computer.

"[Codependents] hold fast to the conviction that their partner [inc. parent] who is inherently incapable of mutuality, empathy or unconditional love, will eventually turn a corner and become the type of person who will be motivated to unconditionally love, respect and care for them. Sadly, they end up waiting a very long time before learning that their hopes and desires never come to fruition. Codependents simply believe in the impossible. Even with mounting consequences, losses and feelings of desperation and isolation, codependents continue their pursuit of what they believe they deserve but can never seem to obtain. They are controlled by the analogous idea that the “carrot” they so ardently crave always seems within their grasp, but in all actuality is unattainable."

I wish I had cut of ties with my mother when I was 21. Yet, I kept going back for more and more and more.

Since I have cut my mother completely out of my life:

1. I have stop drinking (My sober date is 08/20/13)
2. I no longer walk on egg-shells.
3. I look about 10 years younger -- at least in my opinion :o)
4. I feel positive about who I am.
5. I feel positive about my future.

Anyway, your post was a trigger for me in a VERY GOOD way.

Thank-you and just worry about you!!!

LadyBlue0527

I was thinking about this last night and it put me in mind of something that was discussed with a therapist that makes sense.

Often times a parent treats their child/children in exactly the manner that they were raised. It's quite possible that your mother's mother or parents were the same way with her that she's being with you.

This doesn't excuse the behavior and might not be the case but sometimes it helps to understand why.

Croissant

I think sometimes it's easier for them to focus on what they see as your shortcomings, rather than their own. Maybe there re things she didn't achieve and expects to have them through her children.

Maybe next time she says something like that you could say...yeah, I think cousin Fred is great to achieved so much, it's amazing what a great Mum can do to encourage their kids to achieve. Or...I always thought Aunt Betty was a great Mum, it's no wonder her kids turned out so well.

Sorry, I'm being wicked, but nothing pisses me off more than things like your Mum says!

Jaxin1977

I find myself stuck in relatively the same situation. My father passed 17 years ago. I struggle with always hearing about how great everyone else is, how well they are doing, how much smarter and more successful they are, and the list goes on. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist, and he put it into a different perspective for me.

He asked me what I thought my mother had to say to others about me. My response was probably exactly what he expected. That was "Well, I think she says how sick I am, etc. etc.". Now here is what he told me that made me think otherwise. That is, do you think that you're mother is going to want to tell everyone that her own son is unsuccessful? A failure?

I had to think hard about this, but then it started to make sense. MY own mother likes to embellish or talk up a person that she knows (or has given birth to!), so why wouldn't she do the same to others by telling them how great I am (when I'm not)?

Jeni26

Thank you for this GracieLou.

You have no idea how much reading this has helped me today.

FourSeasons

And, from my own personal experience, some people are just down-right mentally-ill.

And, unless that person finally accepts that they are mentally-ill and is willing to work on themselves, then there is no fixing it... Just like an alcoholic. You can't quit until you finally surrender and acknowledge that you have a problem...

zjw

i had a lot of people put me down in my life if it was there intention or not I'm not sure is the case in all cases. but in order for me to remain sober I had to allow all there nonsense remarks to roll off my back untill I was strong enough to combat the ones i could or should combat and let the others fall by the wayside. I new if i let it get me i'd go get drunk to relieve the pain. You have to just rise above it its all you can do. and once you do people like this squirm it tends to shine a bright light on there own internal mess once you clean your situation up.

deeker

Prove her wrong. Get out on your own! Live your own life.

I to had a seizure, I to was a very sick puppy, I too lived at my parents for 2 years. I lost everything.

I slowly put one step in front of the other and rebuilt my life. I am out now, in my own apartment. Paying my own bills. Being responsible.


It can be very stressful living with parents when you are an adult cuz you will never truly feel like an adult under their roof.

What matters is what you think about yourself. Is there any truth to what she says? Is that why it bothers you?

There was truth to what My mom said. So I grew up.

Music

If you wait for the approval of others as a source of your self esteem, you'll wait a long time and be sorely disappointed. Happiness is an inside job. Get out and do things that make you happy, that gratify you and make you proud of yourself. We all, for the most part, like the approval of others and enjoy being liked. Me included, but I do things that I hope make me happy and that will affect others in a positive way. I don't wait for that pat on the back because it rarely happens.