lillyknitting

Went out last night (sat) with a couple of " friends " I've known for years. The reason for the outing was one of the girls had a voucher for a free bottle champagne. I told her previously I'd go, but told myself I would definitely not drink.

Got to restaurant and she handed in her voucher and duly got her free bottle of champagne, which was a bargain because it's priced 37 pound on the menu, and they were well & truly made up with this. I held the glass to my nose then said.....I'm not going to drink this!!! Exclamation of horror on both their faces.....I will celebrate with you with a glass of sparkling water!!!! They then proceeded to gibber on about how there's no need to give up completely, just have two wines, bla, bla, bla, yea, yea, yea.

The rest of the evening was spent listening to them go on and on about how wonderful the pubs are that they are going to next Friday (it's one of the girls birthday and they are ALL going out). It was like listening to a couple of demented teenagers, I have never felt so out of place. Consider folks, that these women are not strangers to me; they know the problems and histrionics I've been through with booze! To them though it's a total giggle. Just another subject of gossip to laugh about. Also they were babbling on about how lovely & generous this group of men are that we know. Duh, excuse me, are we talking about the same people here? I truly couldn't believe my ears. It was an evening full of the utmost bullshite I've ever heard.

If, as I've said in my previous posts, I am never drinking again, then, I cannot possibly go on this evening. As you will all understand, this is not a positive move towards my new lifestyle, but, a step back, or no improvement at all. I cannot risk going. I don't want to go. Do I risk falling out with a long term friend. Or, is this going to be a true parting of the ways from my old life to the new? Suggestions please.

Renarde

Definitely do not go! You need to take your sobriety seriously, even if they don't. In fact, I would take a break from associating with them. It sounds like you came pretty close to drinking that champagne tonight. Good for you for abstaining! But I hope you don't put yourself in those kinds of situations again.

LDT

I had to put a lot of distance between myself and those who minimized my efforts towards sobriety. I had to decide which was more important. I knew I would not stay sober otherwise. I did lose some friendships, but how good were those friendships anyway if they were based on and/or around booze. I don't regret my choice.

shay17

Good for you for not giving in & imbibing. The social circle you described is (to me) like an explosive land mine. You dodged the bomb THIS time...

good luck

Shay

bigsombrero

All of this obviously just my opinion:

It looks like you are starting to see things more clearly. It can be a bit scary when you finally see that you've not only got to part ways with your drinking, but with your old friends and habits as well. If you are truly going to quit, then you can no longer participate in these types of events. You can view it as "skipping" a party, but in reality you will eventually realize that you are "done" with this type of stuff.

I tried to go out with a few buddies to the pubs, or hang out drink water while they all drank beer and watched football. It did not work. This was not fun for me. It made me feel like I was going backwards. It made me feel rotten. So, I'm done with that stuff. And I hate to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but sometimes that's part of the process.

A "true parting of ways from the old to the new" was a beautiful phrase. You wrote it. It sounds like you are ready to start looking at the world from a new point of view. Why not start by getting all of those champagne glasses out of the way? Even if you are not the one drinking, do you think you can truly find a new way to live if you're still going to pubs?

I am impressed with how you are seeing things and think you should follow your heart. You are clearly ready to move on, and move forward. Ditch the party. It's a great step in the right direction.

TomSawyer

I really believe that those who have not been deep down in a battle with the bottle will never quite understand what it is like. My 'friends', too, know that I'm earnestly trying to quit - but they always think that just one would be fine.

MattM316

People who haven't gone through it won't understand and probably will treat it lightly, that's just the way it is.

But you need to balance it out - would you rather they were super serious about it and felt embarrassed and awkward every single time anything relating to alcohol was mentioned around you?

My friends make jokey comments about it but on the other hand they were very concerned when I was out with them, trying to make sure I didn't drink too much because of my seizure history.
Now i've given up completely i'm confident the same support will be there, but if it wasn't and friendships are lost over it, then it couldn't have been a truly strong friendship to begin with.

lillyknitting

Unfortunately my friend these people do not actually care enough to be "super serious" and no, I really don't want that at all. Sombrero has got me right, it's actually nothing to do with THEIR feelings, this is all about me. I just cannot do that pub scene any more, unless.....I'm pi...d with them. It's really I suppose a wake-up call for me. They're not really true friends they're just drinking friends, and I'm beginning to realize that I cannot keep doing that scene and remain sober, strong, grow and move forward. Thanks

MattM316

I think when you quit it's amazing how so much socially revolves around alcohol.

Over the past few years i've tended to drink more at home, I lost interest in going out just for the sake of going out so I only really went out if there was a point - a concert, someone's birthday etc.
But to go out and be around people getting drunk and getting increasingly annoying, it's not somewhere i'd want to be either.

And you can't say anything to them either, because they'll just dismiss you with "well it's not my problem you let alcohol get the better of you and I didn't".
And they've got a point I suppose. Although I know people who are out drinking every other night, and I would think that equates to a bit of a problem in it's own right.

DarkDays

Hi Lilly.

I have kept in touch with my freinds , but do see them less now as the pub thing really kind of bores me. Have done lots of nights out sober and did one this Friday just gone but really did not like it .Packed pub nowhere to stand apart from in the middle of everyone , lots of drunk people around me , freinds talking bollox or going on about old times , drunk women dressed like twats everywhere. Also got introduced to my freinds freind who looked actually horrified that I was not drinking FFs truly funny to see a bloated red faced blob look at me horrified because i was not drinking on about his 8th pint ! Like you I have evolved and done with all this , totally boring . I do not mind meeting some freinds at restaurant with meal etc I like that, but the company has to be right.
Pubs/ bars are for the trapped brainwashed masses, not me.

Your doing well Lilly , think your my mentor

LadyinBC

Nothing and no one is more important than your sobriety. Always remember that when it comes to going out with people who don't have your best interests at heart. True friends don't put you in this kind of position.

DarkDays

And you can't say anything to them either, because they'll just dismiss you with "well it's not my problem you let alcohol get the better of you and I didn't".

Classic response from those trapped and in denial. All drinkers trapped all at different stages, sorry but that's how I see it.

MattM316

I don't agree, I think the majority of people can drink, can get drunk every other weekend and it won't have any major negative impact on their lives and they won't let it consume them.
It's in the English culture to do that anyway, to get drunk every weekend, especially for younger people.
I don't think it's a healthy thing, but I think there is a huge difference between social drinking and alcoholism.

DarkDays

I don't agree, I think the majority of people can drink, can get drunk every other weekend and it won't have any major negative impact on their lives and they won't let it consume them.
Ask them not to drink for a month , there would be mass hysteria.

Think we got to differ sir I think those that drink are conditioned/brainwashed to believe it is the right thing to do .

It is the worst drug nothing comes close.

Have a nice day !

Doug39

I know this feeling. My wife and her friend are the same way. They are both 50 years old, have been drinking heavy for 30 years, and still think it is "cool" to get wasted. Grow up.

I just got done looking at Facebook and my wife's friend made a post about being at a bar doing shots last night. Who cares? She has been drinking everyday for most of her life. It's as if her doing shots is news. What a bore.

LadyBlue0527

Hi lilly,

It's quite the awakening to sit with people who are drinking when you're sober. You find out just how boring, uninteresting, and flat the talk is. Fake too. The whole evening is centered around one thing, past drinking events, what we're drinking now, where we're going next to drink. Idle gossip. It really is all about the drinking. When you're sober who wants to really hear it?

This is not to say that some people can't go out, have a good time and just a few. This is me and what I've found if I've been around people who drink like I did.

It's definitely a threshold because you realize that there was a point where you realized that you eventually do have to get out in the world. However, once you get there you find that what your prior concept of fun was is no longer present.

Then come the decisions about how to fill that time with things you want to do. There's lots out there to do.

Sasha4

Lilly - if I lived near you I would like to be friends.
We could go do lots of stuff sober together but still be in my bed by half nine with a hot chocolate and our night cream on!
xx

Hawkeye13

Hi Lily; I was thinking back to the post you made recently about how happy you are in sobriety. I feel the same way, and also have faced the issue you posted about today.

My friends idea of social interaction means to get drunk together. Plain and simple.
They aren't as witty as they they think they are--in fact, now that they are turning late 40s and 50s they are looking pretty ragged around the edges, and have, now that I'm sober enough to see it, been having the same tired-out conversation(s) for over 20 years. When I was drinking, I was right in there with them. Now that I'm not, I can see it for what it is and I'm not going there anymore.

It's hard to realize you just don't have the connection you did with people who are long-term friends, but no point in sugar-coating things either.

There are so many other interesting things to do and see and talk about besides drinking and stupid gossip. It may take awhile to build a new, smaller network of connections to people who have healthy interests, and in my small town it is very hard, but I'd rather have meaningful connections or be alone as opposed to risking my sobriety.

P.S.--I don't mean to sound like I'm smarter or better than them but just going in a different direction now. I know we all have reasons for what we do and try to do our best, but I just don't identify with drinking as a way of bonding anymore.

MIRecovery

Sobriety is all about choices. Is this choice moving me towards sobriety or away? The only thing I have to do is to remain sober. The rest are choices either good or bad. Your friends will stick with you and support your sobriety. Your drinking buddies will fall by the wayside.

I have found that some doors close in sobriety but many new and better doors open

Nevertheless

Look at this from the big picture. It's time for a new chapter in life.
The previous chapter had booze,the next one does not.
Pubs for the most part are in bushiness for one purpose only. Booze.... People DRINK in pubs.
The majority of people I used to drink with I still consider very close friends. But I seldom see them anymore. The main thing we had in common was drinking. Take away the booze,and we have few things in common. But they are still my friends.
It takes a lot of time and patience to make new friends,and find different things to do.
My first year or so of sobriety I could picture myself in a Pub (called Beer joints in my neighborhood). But after getting the addiction and the habit off my back,I just can't see myself in a place like that for long. There is nothing there for me anymore.
If you stay sober,and get out of the routine,I think you will feel the same way. But it takes time. Drinking was a way of life for me for a long, long time.
Its just like being married for a long time and getting divorced. It takes a lot of adjustment to get used to the changes.

Fred