MattyBoy

So, I relapsed big time. Locked myself in my uni room and drank a bottle of vodka a day for two weeks. My flatmates was so concerned that I wasn't eating that he called my mother wo came to pick me up... I'm now at home detoxing on valium.. But although my shakes and general withdrawal symptoms have gone, I'm left with a feeling of absolute dread. This is the second time I've left uni due to this problem and know now that college isn't for me. When I was at home over the summer I had no temptation to drink but as soon as I got to uni I was at it again... I'd been 5 months sober and now two weeks of a bottle a day has effectively ended my life. I'm only 20, but with no university I don't know what to do with my future. I need a degree but can't go to university. I need a job but have little experience. I feel like I've let everyone down and more importantly myself. I'm terrified of the shame when others outside my family learn what has happened. I'm so depressed and have been considering suicide these last couple days. I'm now 3 days sober and the valium has helped tremendously for the withdrawals but once they've run out I know what I'm left with. Misery, no prospect, a let down mother and father. I can't believe a legal drug that so many of my peers talk about and drink as if it's lemon soda has completely altered the course of my life and left me in emotional ruin.

Everytime I take my prescribed 5mg of valium I feel relaxed for about an hour, then the feeling creeps back. I'm not lying when I say I am currently suicidal and tht only thing stopping me is the love of my mother and father. They've been very supportive but they don't understand withdrawal. And the emotional hurt that comes with it. Sorry for the depressing post but I had to get it out there.... I feel like the lowest life form on earth right now as I see everyone going about their day to day business and I'm thinking why am I not them. What's stopping me. The answer is staring me in the face. Booze. Why why why why why why is it legal and accepted when it does this to people....

DoloresHaze

I feel your pain. Things CAN get better. Don't let a bottle of liquid beat you!

I'm currently suffering with withdrawal too. I've fell into a bad cycle and I've been drinking quite a bit of rum every night. I haven't drank in about 12 hours and I feel horrible. My anxiety is high, I feel very uncomfortable and my nerves are going nuts.

I can also relate to watching other people live normal lives and being jealous. My 87 yr old grandmother is more active than I am when i'm like this. All I want to do is get in the fetal position under a big blanket.

But I know there is a better life out there.

soberhawk

I am sorry Matt, I hope it will improve soon.

You are young Matt. I do not know how rigid the educational system in the UK is, but there will be possibilities.

It is not always easy to find ones way. Do not give up and fight on then there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Take care.

whiskeyman

Please get to an AA meeting as soon as you can.
Go to 10 meetings, if you decide you dont want want the people there have, try something else.

heath480

Sorry you are struggling.You need never drink again it is your choice.

Make the decision today to stay away from the first drink and your life will improve.

UpForIt

Matty - You are only on day 3. Day 3 is hard. I just had one myself. Read on SR, watch tv if you can. You can't figure out the future today.

As for the future. I got a college degree and realized when interviewing that I didn't want a corporate job. I took two low paying jobs to make ends meet. One led to managing restaurants (which I obviously can't do anymore). Through the years I've done many different things around restaurants and even airports. My point I guess is that you never know where things will lead. I wouldn't rule out college but you never know. I wish I had gone to culinary school, but I didn't know I had options other than college - that's just what you did in my family.

Hang in there.

MattyBoy

Man I feel for you. Do you have anything that can help you get through it.? Meds, vitamins, family support? My shakes have gone thanks to the anxiety meds but I still feel awful. Like I've just been hit by a truck kind of weak. It's a nightmare. Just want it to end.

LDT

Withdrawal is hell, I know. I've been through it twice....But every hour you get through without booze moves you closer to the other side of your withdrawal. You will read here over and over how it does get better.....and it absolutely does! As my friend Heath said, you don't ever have to drink, or feel this way again.

Hang in there... It is so worth it!

PhaseTwo

Maybe you can commute to a different college instead of staying on campus around all the temptation? Just a thought

pinkdog

Hi Mattyboy, I'm glad to hear from you. I'm sorry you are struggling. Please tell the doctor that gave you the valium that you need something more for your depression. I'm sure they will help. Love and hugs to you.

Twinings

Sorry you are struggling, think about getting through this withdrawal then the future will be easier to map out.
But there are things like online uni (open uni etc)

BackToSquareOne

MattyBoy, it's just the brain chemistry readjusting to the lack of sedation from the alcohol. The brain goes into a state of hypervigilance, then gradually normalizes. The sense of impending doom, racing thoughts, agitation, and all that stuff will pass. The anxiety was always the last thing to leave, for me anyhow. Hang in there, it goes away in time.

Danae

Hi Matty,

I like the AA saying "one day at a time". You stay sober one day at a time--don't look too far ahead. And in your case--don't worry too much now about your education. Your job right now is to get through the next few days.

Just get yourself through withdrawal. Don't worry about uni yet. You'll be able to figure something out later. You are young and it is good to face this down now.

And keep posting and reading here! There's lots of support at SR.

Danae

cranford

MattyBoy there are so many things that I want to say to you, so excuse me if the order of everything doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Firstly, I'd say I've been exactly where you are now, I went to a British uni up north with a strong drinking culture and fell into such destructive habits that I'm pretty sure my flatmates had my mother on speed dial. Yes, I've been underfed, under-slept and hammered and had my parents scrape me up off the floor so believe me when I say I know where your coming from. Especially with the anxiety about having to face going back to see your flatmates without a skinfull, and make a full accounting of what you did.

I would say that, at most unis so much wild stuff happens that people will have forgotten about it in a month tops, really, someone is certain to be the next "flavour of the month" in terms of drunken shenanigans.

I would say that while I somehow (and truly God only knows how) made it through a degree, this may not be the best time in your life for you to be at university. To be honest, you could easily take a year out to work on your problems, or even two years and then go back when you feel stronger. Universities are really quite bad environments for people struggling with drinking, and you may well benefit from a couple of years of structured routine at home to get yourself strong again. I'm not really trying to tell you how to fix your problems, just that over the grand scheme of things, graduating one or two years later makes basically no difference.

Plus, and now to look at the positives of your situation, you can use a break to either get a part time admin job which will give you practical office experience or alternatively do a work placement or some volunteering. Both of which will be of great value to your future CV. If you look up some entry level part time admin jobs, most just need A Levels.

Finally, on the plus side you clearly have a family who love and support you, and the brains to get into a decent university, if you can do five months sober on top of this then really your actually pretty well set up to get on with making something out of yourself. Also, do try to find something to take up your free time, I got into angling and I swear a few small fish have saved me from a few terrible benders!

Anyway, take my advice as you will, but I wish you all the best and I do believe that you can have a bright future ahead of you if you take a few small steps and go at it a day at a time.

Dee74

Matty if you feel depressed or feel like you might harm yourself there are numbers to call and people to help

Suicide - Getting help - NHS Choices
Mind - Suicidal feelings

I also really encourage you to think about what more you can do for your recovery - if you haven;t seen your Dr, now might be the time, idf you haven;t thought about counselling, maybe thats a good option...if you haven;t checked out a recovery group like AA, SMART or Lifering this is could be a great time to do that.

Here are some UK recovery links:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3842631

Bostonsportsfan

MattyBoy I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, but it will get better and your only 20. Being in the same shoes at the same age I had to make the choice of drinking or bettering my life. 47 days ago I made the right choice and you can have another chance to get sober and get your life together.

Your only 20 you can still get an education and better yourself, but you need to be sober first. Worry about getting sober over everything else. I couldn't go to school this semester because of alcohol withdrawal and then detox, but it was still the right choice. I needed to get sober and focus on being sober. Your parents support you and it's time now to focus on sobriety and you'll succeed. You were 5 months sober, so it's not impossible.

Just don't go back to the school you were at and look at taking classes and living at home next semester.

Skye2

Matty - I didn't do my degree until I was 29 and did it part-time with the Open University. It's always an option for you, if you wanted to continue with further ed

Tetra

Your post struck a chord in me (although I am older than you, I am 33).

Almost two years ago, (I quit drinking on 4th December 2011), I was living in a bedsit, drinking 3/4 or more of a bottle of vodka a night, or two bottles of wine a night. I had just finished a postgraduate diploma and was a complete mess.

Things came to a head when I got blackout drunk one night and called my aunt and then my dad. I never had any recollection of making these calls.

A few days later I had a seizure and ended up in hospital, and then moved back to my parents. It was a nightmare at the time, but looking back, it was the best thing that happened to me. Now, I know my mom and I have issues, but they were very good to take me back in...I thank them for saving my life.

I have had one slip in that time, (last May) but other then that I am doing okay. I would love to have a job and a place of my own, and those are my goals that I am working towards.

It is okay to take things one day at a time. You are still so young. Don't worry about college just yet. I am 33 and have finished my second postgraduate diploma in May of this year. I would love to do an MA, maybe in a few years, when I have saved some money. I would often complain to my dad about feeling really old when I was walking around college, and he would tell me stories about when he was still lecturing, he had a few 70 and 80 year olds in his class.

I remember feeling just like you - the shame. Even now my face burns when I think of that time. My aunt went through my flat and threw out all my empties - and there was A LOT. The shame does subside with time.

Just take some time and relax. Be good to yourself. You are not worthless and there is nothing to be ashamed of. We have all been there, believe me. Just take things day by day..

MattM316

Racing thoughts, impending doom, agitation,anxiety. That sums it up perfectly.

If you've drank heavily for a long period of time (in my case I drank heavily from about aged 19 until about two weeks ago, i'm now 33) and then quit, it will take your body and your brain quite some time to adapt to it.
The dangerous part is the first few days because of the risk of withdrawal seizures, but although that is the most dangerous part I think the most difficult part is the period after where you get all the feelings mentioned above.

I'm going through that now and I'm finding that the best way to deal with it is to try and focus on things you enjoy, whether that be films, music, sport, reading etc.
Sometimes it's hard to get motivated enough to even focus on a film for example and it is hard work, but you can get there in the end.

I have to say that a couple of weeks ago I had some very dark thoughts for the first time ever. It was mainly because I was so worried about my job and what was going to happen - was I going to get sacked?
But then you've just got to think how in the grand scheme of things, how important is a job compared with your health?
It doesn't even come close.
Think of what is the worst that can happen, you can lose your job? It's not the end of the world.
If you continue drinking, you could lose your life, and that really is the end of the world.