Isolated
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Isolated
Something that SamanthaIam posted made me realize something.
When I was drinking heavily I felt so disconnected and isolated from the world and the people in my life.
But now that I am sober I still feel alone and disconnected but in a different way.
For example, last night my wife came home from work and started drinking heavily. I didn't want to start anything so I remained silent and let her do her thing. If she would talk I would answer her but we really didn't have anything to say to each other.
As the evening went on she got more and more drunk and irritating but I just put up with it and didn't comment. Again it makes me feel like I have no connection to the person I am married to. For the last 19 years we have both been loaded everyday together; now as she continues to drink everyday and I am sober, I am so lonely and isolated.
Originally Posted by SamanthaIam 
Who are you out there? Tell me your stories. Tell me if anything resonated. Know that I'm a disgrace, but I still hear you. Tell me if you feel connected to.
I want real people to really connect to me. No platitudes. Write! What is in your heart.
I want real people to really connect to me. No platitudes. Write! What is in your heart.
But now that I am sober I still feel alone and disconnected but in a different way.
For example, last night my wife came home from work and started drinking heavily. I didn't want to start anything so I remained silent and let her do her thing. If she would talk I would answer her but we really didn't have anything to say to each other.
As the evening went on she got more and more drunk and irritating but I just put up with it and didn't comment. Again it makes me feel like I have no connection to the person I am married to. For the last 19 years we have both been loaded everyday together; now as she continues to drink everyday and I am sober, I am so lonely and isolated.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I can't imagine trying to stay sober with a drinking spouse.
But I do understand your feelings of loneliness ness and isolation. My wife was on meds that made her very withdrawn. Conversation, with the exception of her answering a direct question, ceased. I wanted to scream in frustration. She didn't see her behavior as any way odd. Sometimes I think she had conversations in her head but didn't realize she wasn't having them with me.
I just had to find an outlet in other ways to keep connected to someone. I don't have a lot of friends locally, or family. So I've found myself writing a lot of letters and journaling. It helped. And I learned to accept that my wife wasn't acting this way to drive me crazy.
Recently her psychiatrist has taken her off those meds and I am seeing some improvement. She is actually starting conversations. I'm overjoyed.
I hope you find some measure of peace.
But I do understand your feelings of loneliness ness and isolation. My wife was on meds that made her very withdrawn. Conversation, with the exception of her answering a direct question, ceased. I wanted to scream in frustration. She didn't see her behavior as any way odd. Sometimes I think she had conversations in her head but didn't realize she wasn't having them with me.
I just had to find an outlet in other ways to keep connected to someone. I don't have a lot of friends locally, or family. So I've found myself writing a lot of letters and journaling. It helped. And I learned to accept that my wife wasn't acting this way to drive me crazy.
Recently her psychiatrist has taken her off those meds and I am seeing some improvement. She is actually starting conversations. I'm overjoyed.
I hope you find some measure of peace.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
This situation comes up regularly on SR, it touches a LOT of people.
While there is no way to remove alcohol from the equation entirely, I do think it is worthwhile to look at the other aspects that impact the situation, one being, what is your understanding of marriage?
I think that can bring some clarity and direction.
If it is a civil contract, then certain avenues of action are open that might not be if one considers it a spiritual union, till death do we part, in sickness and in health.
In one understands caring for a sick spouse as a spiritual act of love, then they might find support in their faith community to do just that, no matter how difficult. In some faith communities adultery, addiction and abuse are three situations in which divorce is supported, so there would be counsel and support for that.
If you don't have a spiritual understanding of marriage, then it becomes a matter of personal belief, love (is there such a thing as unconditional?), obligation etc.
There is no one answer. Some people choose to separate but still support their spouse financially, a compromise between seeking a saner life for themselves but not leaving the spouse without care. Others divorce but continue to support the spouse...
Have you been active on the family and friends forum here?
While there is no way to remove alcohol from the equation entirely, I do think it is worthwhile to look at the other aspects that impact the situation, one being, what is your understanding of marriage?
I think that can bring some clarity and direction.
If it is a civil contract, then certain avenues of action are open that might not be if one considers it a spiritual union, till death do we part, in sickness and in health.
In one understands caring for a sick spouse as a spiritual act of love, then they might find support in their faith community to do just that, no matter how difficult. In some faith communities adultery, addiction and abuse are three situations in which divorce is supported, so there would be counsel and support for that.
If you don't have a spiritual understanding of marriage, then it becomes a matter of personal belief, love (is there such a thing as unconditional?), obligation etc.
There is no one answer. Some people choose to separate but still support their spouse financially, a compromise between seeking a saner life for themselves but not leaving the spouse without care. Others divorce but continue to support the spouse...
Have you been active on the family and friends forum here?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
doniker, are you doing anything to build a sober network outside of here? People that you can hang with that have like interests such as sobriety?
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by doniker
No not really. Other than my daughter and my parents, everyone else in my life are drinkers.
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
doniker, I have a similar issue, but mine is the result of isolating my wife from me because of my continued drinking. Sometimes I feel as if the damage is irreparable, which gives me an avenue to drink to "console" my pain. The cycle continues on and on...
Re-establishing a connection, in my case, may prove to be more of a challenge than abstinence.
Re-establishing a connection, in my case, may prove to be more of a challenge than abstinence.
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Do you think that this is something that you would be able to do? It would be very helpful in achieving happiness in sobriety.
Just found out my wife's drunken friend is coming over tonight so I get obnoxious babbling x2. Can't wait to spend another Friday night alone in my room.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by doniker
Sure I would like to find sober people but how? I am a married man. Where do I go and how do I explain it to my wife?
Just found out my wife's drunken friend is coming over tonight so I get obnoxious babbling x2. Can't wait to spend another Friday night alone in my room.
Just found out my wife's drunken friend is coming over tonight so I get obnoxious babbling x2. Can't wait to spend another Friday night alone in my room.
Just because you're married doesn't mean that you can't do things on your own. In fact, if you begin to do things on your own that might actually help things.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 58
When I was sober and my husband drank every night and got wasted. He would isolate and our communication in speaking and touching didn't exist. It was all business basically. Just say enough to get by.
It was heart breaking for me. I sat and cried and prayed for about a week or so..then i got up and went to movies and friend's homes..went to dinner by myself and had fun..I would go to book stores..have coffee and just read. I wasn't anxious at all the whole time I was alone. The minute I stepped back into the house..that old anxiety came back. So i feel for you. Do what it takes though to make youself happy as you can..she might realize that you aren't going to just sit and watch her babble. That might be a big wake up call for her..who knows. Most of all life is short, don't waste it..God bless!
It was heart breaking for me. I sat and cried and prayed for about a week or so..then i got up and went to movies and friend's homes..went to dinner by myself and had fun..I would go to book stores..have coffee and just read. I wasn't anxious at all the whole time I was alone. The minute I stepped back into the house..that old anxiety came back. So i feel for you. Do what it takes though to make youself happy as you can..she might realize that you aren't going to just sit and watch her babble. That might be a big wake up call for her..who knows. Most of all life is short, don't waste it..God bless!
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Thanks for your suggestions but I am sick of being alone.
For the last 5+ years I have worked for a small company and 90% of the time I am alone at work all day listening to my iPhone.
I do everything alone lately and I am tired of it.
Activities that included alcohol are what my wife and I did and now that I don't imbibe she is off still doing those things and I am left behind. And intimacy is now at a zero as well.
A seperation is out of the question because the way I see it is that if I want out of the marriage I must leave. The house we live in I received through an inheritance and the house has been in my family for 40 years. I am not leaving.
I can't kick her out because before I got this house, she paid the mortgage on the house we had for 14 years and never asked me for a dime.
For the last 5+ years I have worked for a small company and 90% of the time I am alone at work all day listening to my iPhone.
I do everything alone lately and I am tired of it.
Activities that included alcohol are what my wife and I did and now that I don't imbibe she is off still doing those things and I am left behind. And intimacy is now at a zero as well.
A seperation is out of the question because the way I see it is that if I want out of the marriage I must leave. The house we live in I received through an inheritance and the house has been in my family for 40 years. I am not leaving.
I can't kick her out because before I got this house, she paid the mortgage on the house we had for 14 years and never asked me for a dime.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Please accept this suggestion in the spirit it is offered.
There is an outfit that exists for the people like me that do feel isolated and unsupported as we enter a sober living world where we need connections with like minded people. I found that group 14 years ago and it has worked so far. I have never been able to alter the behavior or habits of those around me, only my own. This group gave me a connection and a sense of being "part of."
That is my two cents and I hope it has some value for you Doniker.
Oh yea, if you care to check out the folks I am talking about they are in the very very front of the phone book.
Best of luck,
Jon
There is an outfit that exists for the people like me that do feel isolated and unsupported as we enter a sober living world where we need connections with like minded people. I found that group 14 years ago and it has worked so far. I have never been able to alter the behavior or habits of those around me, only my own. This group gave me a connection and a sense of being "part of."
That is my two cents and I hope it has some value for you Doniker.
Oh yea, if you care to check out the folks I am talking about they are in the very very front of the phone book.
Best of luck,
Jon
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