Things I tell myself
 

So lately I keep thinking to myself though I love recovery and have many sober friends. That I have more drinking years left that I haven't truly hit rock bottom like other drunks I didn't have the shakes or get a DUI or lose s lot. I am 29 years old. I keep thinking I have another 10 years left to drink then I can join AA this is really ****** up thinking. I just had an extremely high bottom. I was miserable though hiding in my room every night drinking by myself and hiding it from my parents and lying to them. I just can't shake this thought out if my mind and I know it is stupid and irrational that ihave still have many drinking years left till I truly hit rock bottom. My sponsor says have I ever thought about the fact that I may never make it back to AA if i go out again.

I don't plan on going out again I just have these thoights

Scary indeed! Don't listen to those thoughts! Your sponsor is right.

I appreciate your honesty Anoronha. IMO such thoughts are normal. I have them from time to time.

However, I work very hard to push such thoughts immediately out of my mind, and I work very hard at remembering just how bad my drinking had become. I may have stopped at a relatively high bottom, but I did a lot of low bottom things when I drank. Frankly, were it not for a little luck I could have easily hit a very low bottom. I could have easily had DUI's or worse, I could have been seriously injured when I drank and did all manner of dangerous crap. I could have easily died in my sleep when I drank and mixed other substances with alcohol. The list goes on. Like I said, the only thing separating me from those who lost just about everything is a luck and stopping myself before I started that final downward spiral.

If you're having trouble shaking this thought, you may want to sit down and list all the trouble and problems caused by your drinking. Our memories tend to fade after awhile, and that's not a good thing for those of us with drinking problems.

Hi Anoronha. I never got a DUI or lost much externally. I was shaky in the morning but not "that" bad. I love being sober but I too have the same stupid thoughts about drinking again. They are just thoughts based on 20 years of hard-wiring my brain to crave alcohol. I find it best to stop the thought right away. If you feel you must entertain the thoughts, I suggest you do so with your sponsor.

I get pretty annoyed when I have these thoughts because I was extremely miserable in my last years of drinking, even though I never hit a serious bottom losing everything or ending up in the hospital, etc.

In my AA meetings, no one who has gone back out and then returned said it was worth it.

I did go back out after being sober in my mid twenties.

It took over fifteen years, one big regret is that I have almost a lost decade.

One that I can never get back. And it affected many people, including my kids.

I thought I could get sober later in life too, and while I am doing it, if I had it to do all over again, I would have done anything to stay sober in my twenties. You have an amazing opportunity at a good life, one that I promise you, will be squandered if you drink for another decade.

In 2003 I didn't want to stop because I felt I was not that bad. I did not, at that time, want to admit I was an alcoholic. I said it but I did not feel it nor accept it.

It took nine years for me to get back to AA. I may still have one more drink in me but I do not have another recovery in me and I think that is one thing you may want to consider. The courage it takes to try again was hard. I was afraid to fail again and it is one more regret in my past that I had to face and let go of. I kicked myself a lot over it.

I think there are windows of opportunity that open and if I had been in the rooms I might have gotten it last time but I left before that could happen.

Remember it is progressive. You are not going to drink for another ten years and be where you are now. What I wanted (needed) to drink ten years ago for a week would not have lasted a day at the end.

Man. Stay where you are and learn to recognize that those thoughts are from your alcoholism. I wish I had done this at 27 but that wasn't the plan I guess.

I'm in my mid-twenties, and once told a fellow drunk that I came in on a high bottom. He said, "A bottom is when your life circumstances worsen faster than you can lower your expectations." I think its possible for things to get infinitely worse, without it every seeming "bad enough" to force you to put down drugs/alcohol. You just lower your expectations every step of the way.

It seems that you and I are fortunate -- many people never recover from alcoholism. In my case, I cannot say that I "stopped myself" from drinking. I was stopped, by some power greater than my own will and reason. Every day I could come up with a good enough reason to get loaded. And then one day, the whole equation changed, and I knew that I needed help. I didn't "decide" that the equation should change, it simply did. And I can't count on that happening again.

I wish you all the best. The thoughts that you are describing, I have experienced them exactly as you say. I have toyed with them, believed them, talked about them, and tried to deny them. And, always, they eventually go away. Usually they are replaced with gratitude for whatever power kept me from picking up. I surely am grateful to be sober today.

Hi.

"I have more drinking years left that I haven't truly hit rock bottom like other drunks I didn't have the shakes or get a DUI or lose s lot."

YET! Your Eligible TO!

That is called the insidious thinking preceding the first drink.
Did you ever hear an alcoholic that relapsed say "things were wonderful and I want more"?
I've heard so many horror stories what happened the first night many went out. Staying sober is so much easier then TRYING to get sober AGAIN.

BE WELL

You certainly can have 10 or 20 more years of pain and suffering if you want to. Look at all of the upsides. you could kill somebody in a car accident, you can end up in prison, you could destroy all relationships with people that you love, you can ruin your health, you can end up on the street, and if you're really lucky you can die of alcoholism, you can be institutionalized with a wet brain.

These are just some of the benefits of late stage alcoholism. Just think about all the things you have to look forward to before you take your first drink.

I like that observation. My life circumstances were certainly worsening faster and faster with each additional binge.

'The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.' Sometimes it takes a pretty good beating to really smash it. Sounds to me like you're thirsty, being thirsty is the natural state of an untreated alcoholic.

What have you been doing to treat that alcoholism condition?

The alcoholic voice is working on you as you have these thoughts. It is strong and wants you to go back to drinking, does it care if you last 10 years or 1 year or maybe a month depending on how bad you drink/drug. NO it does not it wants you dead!

When you think the thoughts put it where it belongs to the beast of alcoholism. Realize and be honest with youself. I think we have all had these thoughts..the mind never stops even when asleep. 80% of what we think about never happens..so if the Alcoholic voice is screaming at you..oh go ahead...your ok...you didn't get a dui..you didn't lose that much. Then the beast wins..and you lose once again.

Stay strong for yourself..for your family ...you can do it :)
Thanks for sharing!

This is a very dangerous line of thoughts. Have you considered maybe cutting down on speaker meetings where you might be tempted to compare bottoms rather than identify with the feelings and making more steps/Big Book meeting?

Set a goal for yourself: Get out of your parent's house, then you can try drinking again.

Anoronha,

I am in the same boat as you... I have not had enough.
I have not hit really rock bottom... and think others are worse...
and that is why I can not get out... cos I have not fall enough to understand that I have to give it up...

But then again... I read no long ago and made a bit of sense in my short mind:

Rock bottom is when something happens/situation...
that Makes you be Receptive to Change...

So I gather out that:
Rock bottom is not only loosing your job, your partner, your family, home,...
Is when you realize you are in a well and can not crall out...

It is when you see the light and realize you have a problem and you need to change...

You are here that means you are receptive...
You have a sponsor to help you get through...

My sphyco told me:
I was lucky nothing has happened yet!
What is it you want? to have an accident and get paralized or head injured,
get esquizofrenia ...
and then you can say...
You see I hit rock bottom I am going to stop now...
Is it not more intelligent to quit whilst you are still healthy...
Cos there is no way back after that point...

Really Really Think about it...
I am doing it...

Hope you cross to the other side and the light makes you Receptive.

I'm in my late twenties as well (5 months sober) and what did it for me is I knew in my head I had to break myself out of this cycle. You can wait, continue drinking, and wait for that day where you feel you're not so much in your "prime" anymore, but who knows what damage could be done by then. You have the opportunity now to change your life for the better. Grab ahold of yourself and actively pursue your goals without this weight weighing you down. If you quit drinking, things will change, sometimes it will be difficult, but I honestly feel (from my own experience) that's it never a decision you're going to regret.

I think that the first time I recognized I had a problem I was in my mid 20s. It was my first long term attempt to quit and I think I made it a month.

Did I have some fun in the years coming until I just quit at the age of 50? Sure, some. However, the bad faaaaaaaaaaar outweighed the good.

I've never heard the words "So I decided that I have way too much of my life ahead of me to quit now so I am drinking again and things have gotten a lot better!"

It NEVER gets better, only worse.

I reckon we all get, or have had such thoughts, but waiting to reach "rock bottom" doesn't mean you will quit and live happily ever after once you get there. You may on the way find yourself out of work, in prison, injured through a drunken accident or fight, and when you get there, you might have liver damage or actually find you cant stop and *your* rock bottom becomes literal, in so much that you're dead from alcoholism.

I wouldn't wait.

In 10 years, you will cry your brains out for wasting 10 years (the best years of your life,) being drunk or sad for being drunk.

Do yourself a favour, if you know now you have a problem, start doing something NOW.