TheRestorative

You know what sucks about alcohol addiction more than anything for me? More than the hangovers, the depression, and the rest of it? What sucks the most is the irritation I have with myself over it. I am so unbelievably irritated and pissed off with myself right now. Last 2 nights drinking like a fish. A bottle of wine and a few sips of whiskey Friday night. And little less than a pint of whiskey last night. I woke up wondering how I was going to care for my children today without collapsing. I hate myself. I hate that I'm terrible at life as an alcoholic. I hate knowing that I'm better when I'm sober but always drinking again anyway. I'm so annoyed with myself. Beyond annoyed actually. I hate this beast! I want it off me. It keeps coming back. It crawls underneath my skin and stays even when I yell loudly that I want it to leave! I imagine perfect health, but all the while I have pain under my right rib and my veins look like they are just about to burst. I am killing myself.

You are KILLING yourselfffffffffffffffff, UGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

No more. NO MORE!!!

KateL

That was just like reading about myself but I did get better eventually xxx

Ruturn

Being hard on ourselves is easy, it is being gentle with ourselves that is hard. I hated who I was and what I had become. I drank in part to shut off my head and make the feelings of emptyness and self-loathing shut off, even if it was just for a time, but that produced the endless cycle of simply making the problem(s) worse. Eventually I decided I wanted something different, started listening to what other people were saying, and realized things could change. Life still happens, and it is a daily process for me at this point to accept that and be able to deal with it instead of simply trying to run away and shut it off. It does get better.

Elisabeth888

Have you considered going to an AA meeting?

Sudz No More

Getting there is hard, we all know it really is. I've been as frustrated as you are right now and I know it sucks but you just have to look forward now. No sense in looking back it is just going to frustrate you.

The hardest thing in getting sober through my own experience is getting enough time in for the mental impulses to go away. There is no easy solution but to hold on to sobriety long enough for them to lessen. If you can just convince yourself to abstain for a few months and not give in you will start to get stronger.

Try again, you can do it.

Doug39

I was a daily drinker for 25 years. I am 84 days sober today.

For the last 2 or 3 years I had the same pain. I knew that was where my liver is located but I was in denial that alcohol was the cause.

About 3 weeks after I quit drinking that pain disappeared and has not returned.

I think about that pain everytime I get an urge to drink.

EndGameNYC

Try not to hate so much. When you can find compassion for your suffering and your struggles, you'll be in a better place to actually start making things work for you.

doggonecarl

EndGame has a point. We don't hate ourselves sober, we drink our hate.

You must love yourself sober.

Mainza

I feel the same frustration. I am frustrated because I drink and I drink because I am frustrated. I feel lazy because I sit around all day. I sit around all day because I am lazy. Somewhere the cycle has to break. It is vicious, it is hard, but it will be worth it! The key is finding a positive way to channel that irritation. I am still working on it so I don't have the answer that works best for me.

MrGhost

Well, at least you have the spirit to want to live still, hold onto that..you'll need it most. I remember during my first days of drinking heavy I didn't care about living at all. But I kept on telling myself I am still not going to give up, that me drinking and not instantly killing myself directly MEANT some thing, meant there was still a piece of me that wanted to live, but I was just hurting
and wanting to numb and forget my hurt. So keep telling yourself no matter what or if you fall or feel bad, "I'm not going to give up no matter what", just keep saying it and this can only lead one to a better direction. Anyways, are you seeking any help?

Ineedhelp123

It's so tough. I haven't had a drink for 34 hours, but have thought about nothing else. The pain under my right rib is really sore as is the swollen abdomen. The self loathing the morning after the night before is terrible. The not remembering anything the night before is terrible, but the worst bit for me is my partner and daughter looking at me whilst I try to convince them I'm not drunk whilst barely being able stand. Do stay strong, you can do this. I just have t be strong too.

makomago

I was terrible at life as a man and to mask that pain I drank alcoholically. Drinking alcoholically didn't help in the long run it ultimately meant I was bad at life AND an alcoholic.

Abstinence from alcohol helped alleviate some of my problems, or at least stopped me creating new ones. Once I'd detoxed some of the remorse, guilt and depressive effects of alcohol subsided. I was then left with another big problem (the original problem) Me and life.

By asking for help (as you have done) and sharing my pain and confusion (as you have done) I slowly became willing to accept that others may have solutions and by being open minded to those solutions, honest with myself about my problems.... eventually I got somewhere towards better.

Today, I don't want or need to drink and I wouldn't say I hated myself as I once did. I have issues that I'm addressing, I ain't no Mary Poppins (or male equivalent) :-)

Ultimately though I've come to accept that I have defects of character, I'm not a defective character. This means there is nothing that I should hate about myself other than traits, or behaviour which are not me as such and can be changed.

It seems to me that these traits, thoughts and behaviour are what causes me pain, they need addressing, but in order to love and care for others (including my young children) I have to learn to love and care for myself.

That is a big challenge but ultimately loathing and hating myself is the antithesis of loving and caring for myself! Loathing and hating myself is so very painful that it becomes unbearable and can only lead to drink and that downward spiral!

The good news is, each of us (including you and I) are perfectly equipped to find a solution to our problems (including life) if we can find the courage to look, and seek help to get to the root of the trouble (which you post may have gone someway towards?)...

All this ie the solution to the problem of Me and Life, I think, is beautifully encapsulated in the serenity prayer (using a God of YOUR understanding, or not) -

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I wish for you your happiness.

M