DarkDespair

Hey everybody,

yes, it happened. After nearly 4 months of ongoing sobriety I relapsed and drank on Tuesday and Wednesday. Now I'm on day 2 again and looking back on it it definitely sucked and I don't want to do this again. The actual drunken experience was pleasant for a couple of hours, but the mental and emotional agony following it is crushing and DEFINITELY not worth it. Well, at least I know now that I totally can not drink in moderation, it will always result in wanting more and more until I'm at least pretty drunk (I should have known this before from past experiences, but was stupid enough to try it again). It's bad ****, alcohol, but I think this time there's a difference: During those nearly 4 months of abstinence I always kept the idea of getting drunk again in the back of my mind, and the idea of never ever drinking again felt like a loss. Now it's different, I know now that I never HAVE TO pick up one single drink ever again and it is a great feeling of relief and liberation. Still really not cool to having to start at day 1 again, but there you go...anyway, thanks for reading this!

DarkDespair

Arbor

How did you quit for 4 months? What was working for you?

DarkDespair

I didn't attend a programm or anything like that. What was working for me was the insight or knowledge that if I kept going like that, it would lead me to a very dark place pretty soon and things could only look much much worse a couple of years down the line. Watching documentaries like "Rain in my Heart" or "Drugged - High on Alcohol" helped a lot as well, as they made me realise that I could very easily reach that stage of alcohell addiction and find myself in the situation of those people. But somehow it wasn't enough as I kept that idea of trying it again in the back of my head. I now realise that I can only liberate myself from that mental obsession that comes along with having a drink if I don't pick up one single drink again, otherwise I soon reach a certain stage or "mode" where I just want to drink all the time and don't care about anything anymore, and I don't want to die like an alcoholic, I'm young and I want to do and see things in life.

Arbor

Thanks for sharing. I ask because I vowed to quit for a month and then take it day by day from there. It Lasted two weeks. My grandmother passed. Not an excuse but...Having to deal with family members we haven't seen in years was stressful on top of the whole death thing. My mind completely shifted and I drank the day before the funeral. After that I got back into my old ways of drinking again. I'm also not part of a formal program. This site is all I have right now. It helps but I feel it may be not enough long term.

DarkDespair

I can relate Arbor, my grandmother died in August after a long battle with dementia...it was very painful to watch, but I didn't drink during her passing. We have some very heartbreaking family "problems" as well since my brother moved out of my parent's home a year ago and refuses to answer phone calls or text messages ever since. Very tough, especially for my dear mum...however, I now think that alcohol makes it all much worse in the long run. Of course it provides a false sense of relief and joy for a few hours, but the consequences are way too serious and dangerous. I totally know how it feels to think that drinking and getting wasted is the only enjoyable "activity", the only thing worth living for, the only thing that "makes sense", because the world is crap and unbearable sober...BUT: that's a lie. Of course a lot of **** is really bad, really horrible and what am I doing here anyway? But there are so many small things to enjoy, that are actually worth living for (I know it sounds corny, but it really is true) that we totally miss out on while being out of our brains...and eventually heavy drinking will kill most people (there might be the odd surviving musician who is still using) but most people will end up dead way before their time, and it's not pretty. You can do it as well my friend. Here's to a new sober day (no pun intended^^). Thanks for sharing as well Arbor!

Edit: Actually I want to get my hands on a copy of the "Big Book", as many people have suggested here that they find it very helpful. Maybe you could try that as well?

Arbor

Thanks for the kind words Dark D. I think thats still the hard part for me deep down. Realizing that a part of me is gone. Part of my identity. And that for the next 50 yrs or however long I have left on this planet I can never have another drink again?? Huge commitment with lots of pressure on one self. Ive always been a never say never kind of guy. It's a long road ahead...

I'll check those documentaries out. Thanks! And perhaps the big book. Why not?

Doug39

Thanks for posting this....what you said here is probably one of my main struggles with sobriety at the moment.

I am 82 days sober and often think about maybe having a drink or two like next year or so - during a social setting. But I know in my logical mind that doing that would most likely suck - and I would not enjoy it because I would hate myself for doing it.

I have to try and keep reminding myself that I am not missing the alcohol itself - what I am missing is being young, having fun with friends, going to parties & bars, etc.

Drinking alcohol now is NOT going to resurrect all those good times. They are all memories from the past and that is it. I need to make new fun memories and live a good life without booze. Hopefully this makes sense.

EndGameNYC

I can tell you from experience that there is no "most likely" about it.

Johnston

Welcome back. My relapse started in the mind long before I tipped one back.

DarkDespair

Thanks everybody for replying, means a lot to me!

@doniker: It totally does make sense to me. Drinking USED TO BE fun, now it's a very destructive and addictive habit for me, but because of those memories I kept coming back and trying to chase that old feeling again - it never worked.

@Arbor: May I ask you how old you are? From your posts you seem to be pretty young like myself (I'm 22) and especially at our age the idea of NEVER drinking again seems to be really tough for most people who enjoy drinking. But there is the clue I think - we are aware of where it will eventually lead us. Nothing to enjoy there (the movie "Leaving Las Vegas" comes to mind). But I can totally feel your pain, I know how hard it is, otherwise I wouldn't have relapsed and I wouldn't be here. But hang in there, we can do it!

Another thing I would like to share: Obviously when you quit drinking you need some kind of activity or hobby to do that you enjoy doing, and I didn't really try to engage in that as I should have tried during my near 4 months of sobriety. That was a huge mistake.

@Johnston: Yes, definitely. I had been thinking about getting pissed again for at least a month....should have prepared myself more.

zoomi

I am quite young as well(23) i am trying different programs to stay sober but at this age i feel its so hard. I keep tricking my self into thinking i am ok and i can drink again but i know that is not the case. Thanks for the suggestions for the documentaries, "rain in my heart" scared the living hell out of me.

Arbor

Hey Dark! Didn't mean to leave you hangin. How you doing?

I'm much older than you. 36 to be exact. But glad your figuring things out so young. When I was 22 I was just getting my drinking career started.

MrTumble

This is what it boils down to for me, a nice run of sobriety is threatened by the desire to feel off my head for around 2-3 hours. Its pathetic really.

spinape

I've read that any amount of alcohol, even a small slip will set brain recovery back to zero. I hope for OP sake and others that's not quite true. Any one have insight on this

Gottalife

I got sober at 22. Drinking used to be fun, then it wasn't, but I kept going back looking for the fun feeling. It wasn't there, the magic had gone, drinking was no longer enjoyable.

In my experience sobriety was not enjoyable either, in fact it was so miserable, I always ended up back drinking, looking for that enjoyment again.

Ok at 22 I knew nothing of life. I hadn't achieved anything except lost opportunities. There was much I didn't understand, and for these reasons, permanent sobriety looked like a black hole.

The solution that would interest me would have to be a big improvement over the sobriety I had experienced so far. Otherwise what was the point?

Well I did find something infinitely better. I have been happily sober for over 33 years, and I can't begin to tell you the amazing things that have happened, experiences I have had. But I'll list a few, restoration of family, getting married, having children, having a career, owning businesses, travelling, having good friends - both alcoholic and on alcoholic, being in a position to spend the rest of my life exploring the world by yacht, being able to handle life's highs and lows and, by the grace of God, no need to drink. That's just scrathing the surface.

One of the greatest things is seeing others recover also. I was at a meeting the other day where there was 90 years sobriety among folk who got sober in their 20s. It can be done and the big plus is you get a whole life, not half a life like those who lose half their life to booze.