Ultimatum
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Ultimatum
Today I spoke to a couple of people in the chat room about my husband leaving me as of this past Sunday. Saturday night before was a disaster (I was drunk) and so he's had it and today we finally spoke.
He made me promise that if I ever drank again that I would leave and we would divorce. Of course I said I would agree to that. I honestly don't want to but I'm so scared. Should I live like this? I don't want to drink again - he's had it. So goes the line in the sand. Fine.
I don't want to drink FOR ME. He wanted to come home but I said there is no way after his leaving without my knowledge and for how long that he would walk back in here and find me with smiles and whatever. So anyway after I said this he acted as though it should just be over. I told him to go see our psychiatrist tomorrow and we would talk more.
Truth is, I don't know if either of us want to really be together. I will want to then he will say something that's ambiguous and untrusting and then of course I do that as well.
This is making me nuts. I'm making him nuts.
He made me promise that if I ever drank again that I would leave and we would divorce. Of course I said I would agree to that. I honestly don't want to but I'm so scared. Should I live like this? I don't want to drink again - he's had it. So goes the line in the sand. Fine.
I don't want to drink FOR ME. He wanted to come home but I said there is no way after his leaving without my knowledge and for how long that he would walk back in here and find me with smiles and whatever. So anyway after I said this he acted as though it should just be over. I told him to go see our psychiatrist tomorrow and we would talk more.
Truth is, I don't know if either of us want to really be together. I will want to then he will say something that's ambiguous and untrusting and then of course I do that as well.
This is making me nuts. I'm making him nuts.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
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Sounds like there is more to the story than just your drinking. That said, when I finally put down the bottle for good I became determined for myself. I did however have the support of my Psychologist and my Wife keeping me honest.
For starters you have said you want it for you and that really is the cornerstone to success. No one can make us sober but ourselves first and foremost. If you can dig deep this time and really stay off the booze for you the rest of the equation may fall into place.
These hard feelings the two of you are feeling for each other appears to have gone deeper than your alcohol habit and that will likely take time and discussion beyond your habit.
Best of luck in coming days and as Bob8619 said, "For better or worse"...
For starters you have said you want it for you and that really is the cornerstone to success. No one can make us sober but ourselves first and foremost. If you can dig deep this time and really stay off the booze for you the rest of the equation may fall into place.
These hard feelings the two of you are feeling for each other appears to have gone deeper than your alcohol habit and that will likely take time and discussion beyond your habit.
Best of luck in coming days and as Bob8619 said, "For better or worse"...
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Hey Sudz, it's more than the drinking but when I bring up feelings or issues I've had they are met with, "I'm not going to change because my perception of his intentions are wrong." He is who he is. I think what he's really saying is we are not compatible. That's what my gut says.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: granite state, usa
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sometimes it is better to be apart for awhile....agree to make no decision on the outcome of a separation...agree to a time frame....and each take care of there own stuff. let all that codependent/alcoholism garbage settle out
take care of yourself and it will all work out
take care of yourself and it will all work out
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Dhg66 makes some good points. The more you can focus on yourself right now, the better chance at success you will have. Additional problems may serve to bring you back to the bottle faster. If you are perceiving what he is saying the wrong way he may need to adjust what he is saying. I have to adjust the things I say to my Wife but that is part of the two way street of marriage.
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1undone
yea i remember out chat in the room. somehow i think there is more to your story, maybe it is just too long to tell. but i would work on my sobriety and my self first of. i think if you did this it will help you so many areas on your life, just like it did mine. so many problems in my life went away after i became sober. but i hope it you keep to your sobriety
yea i remember out chat in the room. somehow i think there is more to your story, maybe it is just too long to tell. but i would work on my sobriety and my self first of. i think if you did this it will help you so many areas on your life, just like it did mine. so many problems in my life went away after i became sober. but i hope it you keep to your sobriety
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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codependency saying....
...what someone else is thinking about you, is none of your business.
I have a hard enough time taking care of myself never mind worrying about what everyone else is thinking....its exhausting.
I did a 6 month separation when I started a 6 year sober stretch....it was invaluable
I have a hard enough time taking care of myself never mind worrying about what everyone else is thinking....its exhausting.
I did a 6 month separation when I started a 6 year sober stretch....it was invaluable
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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ditto
Originally Posted by robgt350 
1undone
yea i remember out chat in the room. somehow i think there is more to your story, maybe it is just too long to tell. but i would work on my sobriety and my self first of. i think if you did this it will help you so many areas on your life, just like it did mine. so many problems in my life went away after i became sober. but i hope it you keep to your sobriety
yea i remember out chat in the room. somehow i think there is more to your story, maybe it is just too long to tell. but i would work on my sobriety and my self first of. i think if you did this it will help you so many areas on your life, just like it did mine. so many problems in my life went away after i became sober. but i hope it you keep to your sobriety
put the plug in the jug, the rest is converrsation
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Dhg, where did you go for 6 months? We don't have legal separations here in FL. My fear is that if I leave my home I will never come back. Separation is a pretty loose term here.
It's not that I really care about what anyone is thinking accept for my 15yr old son. I do care about that.
It's the process of separating and the unknown that freak me out. I have heard of so many women being left destitute from splitting with their spouse. I've worked my ass off for this life too and I just want to protect myself.
That 12 step quote has flaws in some instances. JMHO. LOL
Anywho, I will try to be patient and see what the next 2 weeks of therapy bring. I'm sure I will be closer to my decisions.
It's not that I really care about what anyone is thinking accept for my 15yr old son. I do care about that.
It's the process of separating and the unknown that freak me out. I have heard of so many women being left destitute from splitting with their spouse. I've worked my ass off for this life too and I just want to protect myself.
That 12 step quote has flaws in some instances. JMHO. LOL
Anywho, I will try to be patient and see what the next 2 weeks of therapy bring. I'm sure I will be closer to my decisions.
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Sounds good 1undone, no sense in jumping too quick on anything except of course that tiny little pink elephant in the room called alcohol. Let your therapist talk the two of you through everything and see where your differences lie. Abstinence from Alcohol though may be paramount to your success elsewhere.
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I spent 3 months at a friends house so things could simmer down. and we agreed to discuss divorce issues only after a period of time. For mew I needed to take care of myself and I was unable to focus on me when with her...all the anger, resentments and fights. Sounds like you have good head on you shoulders and good people in your life, ask for lots of help when making your tough decisions
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
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It sounds like you need good counsel from an attorney as well as from your psychiatrist.
When my ex-girlfriend gave me an ultimatum during my three-year relapse, I ignored it, hoping it would magically disappear. It didn't, and I came home one day to find my belongings on the wrong side of the front door, a door for which she'd changed the locks.
I did love her, and by all the evidence she loved me too, but I was determined to continue drinking, no matter how badly it was affecting virtually every part of my life.
The fact that she's the kind of woman who works at living a good life, and then acting on it, was one of the things I loved about her. The sad irony is the very thing I loved about her was a big part of my ultimate downfall in our relationship. You just don't meet many people who are skilled at living a good life and doing whatever is necessary to take care of it...and themselves.
When my ex-girlfriend gave me an ultimatum during my three-year relapse, I ignored it, hoping it would magically disappear. It didn't, and I came home one day to find my belongings on the wrong side of the front door, a door for which she'd changed the locks.
I did love her, and by all the evidence she loved me too, but I was determined to continue drinking, no matter how badly it was affecting virtually every part of my life.
The fact that she's the kind of woman who works at living a good life, and then acting on it, was one of the things I loved about her. The sad irony is the very thing I loved about her was a big part of my ultimate downfall in our relationship. You just don't meet many people who are skilled at living a good life and doing whatever is necessary to take care of it...and themselves.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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You have to get sober and stay sober first for yourself and your own well-being. I noted that your said that your spouse left your home the first time, and his conditions as you wrote them for returning were that you leave if you ever drink again. I would be careful about that, especially if you cannot support yourself or your son on your own.
I think some therapy for both of you would be helpful, but I can tell you that my spouse was extremely angry with me for many months after I stopped from all the past hurt I had caused him with my drinking and verbal abuse. I finally had to say that if he couldn't move on we couldn't stay together as I was unwilling to spend my present and future life paying for the past--but that was only after a good time had gone by and we had gotten through the worst. He still has issues but has let most of it go and our marriage is doing much better. Needless to say, dealing with an angry partner (who was often getting drunk himself) and trying to stay sober was a terribly difficult thing. Looking back I'm amazed I did it, but we could not afford living apart. It isn't easy, but you should both be very clear to not take it out on each other when your son is around.
I think some therapy for both of you would be helpful, but I can tell you that my spouse was extremely angry with me for many months after I stopped from all the past hurt I had caused him with my drinking and verbal abuse. I finally had to say that if he couldn't move on we couldn't stay together as I was unwilling to spend my present and future life paying for the past--but that was only after a good time had gone by and we had gotten through the worst. He still has issues but has let most of it go and our marriage is doing much better. Needless to say, dealing with an angry partner (who was often getting drunk himself) and trying to stay sober was a terribly difficult thing. Looking back I'm amazed I did it, but we could not afford living apart. It isn't easy, but you should both be very clear to not take it out on each other when your son is around.
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