Dealing with things when sober
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Dealing with things when sober
An interesting thought process came up in a message to another member. It seems to take longer to get over things when you're sober. However, how can that really be said though because what do we have to gauge the timeframe against? Before when we were upset or bothered we drank. Now that we don't it might seem that it takes longer but aren't we really processing things the right way and then ridding ourselves of them rather than running to a drink which just stuffs the resentment inside for later use?
I find that I'm more vocal about things than I was but in an accountable manner. I know my sobriety is certainly cutting into my husband's video gaming time lol. I used to trade his silence about my drinking for my silence about his video gaming.
How do you handle things now since you're sober?
I find that I'm more vocal about things than I was but in an accountable manner. I know my sobriety is certainly cutting into my husband's video gaming time lol. I used to trade his silence about my drinking for my silence about his video gaming.
How do you handle things now since you're sober?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Since we aren't walking around totally anesthetized, it definitely is harder to get over things. That's a good thing. You are paying attention, acting appropriately, being thoughtful (or not-whatever the situation calls for). I guess I just tried to remember not to sweat the small stuff. Your perspective will change, become clearer and more reasonable with more sober time. It just gets better!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
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Interesting post. I had talked about something similar recently, about how now that I was "in the clear" I was having trouble processing things. Someone agreed, and posted their views:
"This was my first experience living as a sober adult, and it took some time getting used to it".
That made sense to me. And that's why I think many of us express frustration in "dealing with things when sober", as you put it. I think it's simply because these are new experiences for us, just like a child learning to walk. In my experience, I know I skipped learning a lot of tangible problem-solving skills because I used the bottle in the past. Perhaps this is something you are grappling with now as well!
"This was my first experience living as a sober adult, and it took some time getting used to it".
That made sense to me. And that's why I think many of us express frustration in "dealing with things when sober", as you put it. I think it's simply because these are new experiences for us, just like a child learning to walk. In my experience, I know I skipped learning a lot of tangible problem-solving skills because I used the bottle in the past. Perhaps this is something you are grappling with now as well!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I found it all overwhelming in the beginning...not only was I having to learn how to deal with situations appropriately for the first time in adulthood, I also found that I had amassed a backlog of issues which should have been addressed a long time previously.
I've needed a lot of help from a therapist to untangle it all and work out how my past affects my present.
Hard work, but worth it. There isn't that box full of 'stuff' inside with a big padlock on it any more. I do actually open the lid and look right inside now!
Harder than before? Well definitely, because I didn't dare to face anything much. But unless we do so, how can we get better?
I've needed a lot of help from a therapist to untangle it all and work out how my past affects my present.
Hard work, but worth it. There isn't that box full of 'stuff' inside with a big padlock on it any more. I do actually open the lid and look right inside now!
Harder than before? Well definitely, because I didn't dare to face anything much. But unless we do so, how can we get better?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 138
I relate to the comment about having to learn how to deal with the world as a sober adult too. I also found it difficult to deal with life non-numb at first.
But at the same time I was feeling all these adult emotions I was also thinking more clearly than I had been in many years, so there was the up side.
I have come to prefer the clear-brained awakeness to the muddled-brain numbness, and I have found my clear-brained thinking has helped me cope even in situations that were emotional.
But at the same time I was feeling all these adult emotions I was also thinking more clearly than I had been in many years, so there was the up side.
I have come to prefer the clear-brained awakeness to the muddled-brain numbness, and I have found my clear-brained thinking has helped me cope even in situations that were emotional.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Interesting Ladyblue....thanks for sharing.
I'm also more vocal now, but in a more productive way.
I've also found it's much easier to feel entitled for my opinion to be heard, particularly at work because I'm not consumed with guilt and a hangover anymore.
I'm also more vocal now, but in a more productive way.
I've also found it's much easier to feel entitled for my opinion to be heard, particularly at work because I'm not consumed with guilt and a hangover anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: perth Western Australia
Posts: 132
Im way sensitive nearly 5 months sober... Im not very good at regulating my emotions sometimes, like when Im stressed. I cry more easily, and actually have to process things now.... so that's harder than drinking it all away
at least its authentic
at least its authentic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
I actually deal with things BETTER now that I am 75 days sober.
I started daily drinking 25 years ago out of boredom and because I was anti-social. Drinking gave me courage to open up and be a fun, popular person. As the years went on I just drunk out of habit - it was what I did.
I can remember loading a 24 pack of beer into my refrigerator on a random work night (planning on consuming at least 10 of them that night, like every night) and thinking to myself "why am I even doing this, I am not even in the mood to drink nor do I have the urge" but I did it anyway and everyday for 25 years because it was just what I did.
As time went on and especially over the last 3-4 years anxiety got severe and I could not deal with anything. I would get so over emotional and overwhelmed by even the smallest problem.
Sobriety has opened my eyes and helped me deal with things much better.
I started daily drinking 25 years ago out of boredom and because I was anti-social. Drinking gave me courage to open up and be a fun, popular person. As the years went on I just drunk out of habit - it was what I did.
I can remember loading a 24 pack of beer into my refrigerator on a random work night (planning on consuming at least 10 of them that night, like every night) and thinking to myself "why am I even doing this, I am not even in the mood to drink nor do I have the urge" but I did it anyway and everyday for 25 years because it was just what I did.
As time went on and especially over the last 3-4 years anxiety got severe and I could not deal with anything. I would get so over emotional and overwhelmed by even the smallest problem.
Sobriety has opened my eyes and helped me deal with things much better.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I was thinking about this yesterday. (Dealing with tough things sober)
I have been taking a short course at the local college,trying to change careers.
Yesterday we had a "job fair' where employers show up to potentially hire us.
About 30 were supposed to be there. About 15 showed up. In part because of the Government shutdown. I'm working in going into the machinist trade,and a lot of their orders are from the government. At any rate, about 30 students . About half as many employers. And some of those simply aren't within driving distance. It will be a few days before any of us know if we are hired or not.
To sum it up it was an intense morning,and when I left the muscles in the back of my neck were tighter than a banjo string. 4 years ago I would have gone straight to the beer store,and I would have been fallen down drunk by 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I thought about that as I was walking across the parking lot. The thought of getting drunk didn't enter my mind. But what I would have done 4 years ago did.
This morning I am reading this thread,and not really understanding the old illusion. The one where getting drunk is going to make this better,or relieve stress.......... Lets see,If I would have gotten fallen down drunk yesterday I would be so hungover right now I would barely be able to type. I would be beside myself for the drunken Emails I sent to my instructors or the school. There is no telling what else I might have screwed up.
Instead I just came home yesterday. Watched a Gunsmoke rerun. Mowed the lawn. Then I did some more studying. And this morning I feel pretty darn good. I have a couple classes today,then I'm free to do things on a beautiful day with no hangover.. NOPE there just ain't NO WAY getting drunk would have helped relieve stress,or helped getting over this. What an illusion.
All drinking does is feed the addiction. When I got the monkey off my back I could see this.
Fred
I have been taking a short course at the local college,trying to change careers.
Yesterday we had a "job fair' where employers show up to potentially hire us.
About 30 were supposed to be there. About 15 showed up. In part because of the Government shutdown. I'm working in going into the machinist trade,and a lot of their orders are from the government. At any rate, about 30 students . About half as many employers. And some of those simply aren't within driving distance. It will be a few days before any of us know if we are hired or not.
To sum it up it was an intense morning,and when I left the muscles in the back of my neck were tighter than a banjo string. 4 years ago I would have gone straight to the beer store,and I would have been fallen down drunk by 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I thought about that as I was walking across the parking lot. The thought of getting drunk didn't enter my mind. But what I would have done 4 years ago did.
This morning I am reading this thread,and not really understanding the old illusion. The one where getting drunk is going to make this better,or relieve stress.......... Lets see,If I would have gotten fallen down drunk yesterday I would be so hungover right now I would barely be able to type. I would be beside myself for the drunken Emails I sent to my instructors or the school. There is no telling what else I might have screwed up.
Instead I just came home yesterday. Watched a Gunsmoke rerun. Mowed the lawn. Then I did some more studying. And this morning I feel pretty darn good. I have a couple classes today,then I'm free to do things on a beautiful day with no hangover.. NOPE there just ain't NO WAY getting drunk would have helped relieve stress,or helped getting over this. What an illusion.
All drinking does is feed the addiction. When I got the monkey off my back I could see this.
Fred
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thanks for all the responses!
You all gave me some really good insight. I have come to the realization too that on the flip side of it being a tough learning process to deal here's the positive part. When we are done with something we are done with it. We don't need to go back and rehash umpteen times.
I can't tell you how many times as a drunk I was told that I repeated the same things over and over again. How much testimony is that to the fact that drinking doesn't solve anything? It just dulls the anger/pain/anxiety in that moment. Then, the circumstance gets added to our bag of woes and is bottled up, waiting to surface the next time that we drink.
We're not facing it and dealing with it when we drink, we're just putting it some place for safe keeping and adding it to our list of reasons to drink.
Thinking back my drinking rounds with friends always followed the same pattern. Drink, complain, tell tales of woe, rinse, repeat. The whole evening would be about that. When I think about how overly dramatic it was too I roll my eyes. We could turn a tiny pebble in our shoe into a quarry rock if we thought it would give us a reason to drink.
The more I see the person I was when I drank the less I like that person. It boggles my mind how I just chose to refuse to see it before. I'm so thankful that I'm sober.
Thank you again for all the great responses!
You all gave me some really good insight. I have come to the realization too that on the flip side of it being a tough learning process to deal here's the positive part. When we are done with something we are done with it. We don't need to go back and rehash umpteen times.
I can't tell you how many times as a drunk I was told that I repeated the same things over and over again. How much testimony is that to the fact that drinking doesn't solve anything? It just dulls the anger/pain/anxiety in that moment. Then, the circumstance gets added to our bag of woes and is bottled up, waiting to surface the next time that we drink.
We're not facing it and dealing with it when we drink, we're just putting it some place for safe keeping and adding it to our list of reasons to drink.
Thinking back my drinking rounds with friends always followed the same pattern. Drink, complain, tell tales of woe, rinse, repeat. The whole evening would be about that. When I think about how overly dramatic it was too I roll my eyes. We could turn a tiny pebble in our shoe into a quarry rock if we thought it would give us a reason to drink.
The more I see the person I was when I drank the less I like that person. It boggles my mind how I just chose to refuse to see it before. I'm so thankful that I'm sober.
Thank you again for all the great responses!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by Nevertheless 
I there just ain't NO WAY getting drunk would have helped relieve stress
The anxiety I suffered for years when drinking is now next to gone.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 82
The simple answer is now I handle things, instead of just numbing myself so I don't feel them. I talk some things over with trusted friends. I take actions. Life still happens, but I participate now and do my part, not run away from it to try and shut it all off. Its not always pleasant, but it feels so much better. The other way, I would forget about it for a while or at least not care, but when I came around a day later or a week later or whatever the issue or issues were still there, and often worse than they originally were because of my complacency and drinking.
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Originally Posted by doniker
For years I thought alcohol relieved stress (and my daily drinking wife still believes it) but now that I am sober I can see that drinking actually causes more stress.
The anxiety I suffered for years when drinking is now next to gone.
The anxiety I suffered for years when drinking is now next to gone.
More importantly, and I have actually told her this, all the tales of woe, anxiety, and anger no longer sit with me every day. I feel a calm and peace that I didn't know was possible and realize now that drinking actually created those feelings. I have never taken antidepressants or valium in my life and I am willing to say that sobriety has given me the peace and calm that she professes that the drugs give her. Actually, sobriety does more because I no longer complain of the things that I used to.
It's so amazing how we think that alcohol and drugs help us and we don't see that they are actually causing the problem!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
So many of our responses to surrounding things that are annoying are things that take, duck now, TIME to examine and sort out. A reason I still go to a lot of meetings is to hear the pearl which was probably heard many times over the years but is appropriate now, like "let go." A very dear Al anon lady reminds me to think "maybe he/she is right." And more and more I need to digest and act on " God remove the Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear that has cropped up in my life right now. Help me to discuss this with someone immediately and make amends quickly if I have harmed anyone. Help me to cease fight anything and anyone. Show me where I may be helpful to someone else. Help me react sanely; not cocky or afraid. How can I best serve You - Your will, not mine be done.
BE WELL
BE WELL
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 154
Totally agree with all this.
I have been struggling through relearning, or in a lot of cases learning for the first time how to do things sober. Little stuff like making phone calls sober seemed really weird, and going to the supermarket, etc.
The main thing that I still cant handle is how noisy the night is. For a decade I was battered into deep sedation every night by excessive amounts of alcohol, so I didnt hear a thing. Now I am clean, there is noise everywhere. I have to sleep with earplugs in!
I have been struggling through relearning, or in a lot of cases learning for the first time how to do things sober. Little stuff like making phone calls sober seemed really weird, and going to the supermarket, etc.
The main thing that I still cant handle is how noisy the night is. For a decade I was battered into deep sedation every night by excessive amounts of alcohol, so I didnt hear a thing. Now I am clean, there is noise everywhere. I have to sleep with earplugs in!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
I feel a calm and peace that I didn't know was possible and realize now that drinking actually created those feelings. I have never taken antidepressants or valium in my life and I am willing to say that sobriety has given me the peace and calm that she professes that the drugs give her.
It's so amazing how we think that alcohol and drugs help us and we don't see that they are actually causing the problem!
It's so amazing how we think that alcohol and drugs help us and we don't see that they are actually causing the problem!
The 7 weeks I was on Zoloft I still had anxiety and it turned me into an emotionless robot. I have now been off Zoloft for a week and I feel great. I truly believe all mind altering substances do not work - they only mask, create, and/or intensify the problem.
Bottom line - it was the alcohol that was causing my anxiety. I never want to go back there again.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 154
Agree, doniker.
Our bodies and the natural world are incredible. Pouring unnatural substances into ourselves, be they alcohol, anxiety meds, etc. is unnecessary if we truly allow ourselves to connect and feel our potential. Your body is the greatest thing ever, and you just need to give it time to heal naturally.
Our bodies and the natural world are incredible. Pouring unnatural substances into ourselves, be they alcohol, anxiety meds, etc. is unnecessary if we truly allow ourselves to connect and feel our potential. Your body is the greatest thing ever, and you just need to give it time to heal naturally.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Sooo many good posts here!! LadyB, "rinse/repeat" made me laugh out loud. That was me!! I was always very good at throwing a drunk at somebody. You made me mad? Alright I'll show ya, I'll just get drunk. To me it was like going through puberty again, all these new emotions and the strength that they hit me with was very unsettling. Early in my sobriety I hated all the dumb a-- AA platitudes. Still a few ended up making sense. " An unrealistic expectation is no more than a pre-meditated resentment"
Flip forward a few years; I never had a lightning bolt!, but found myself dealing with things entirely differently. I think it's a matter of waiting till you're brain is chemical free and working the way it should. I drank and drugged for almost 25 years. So I would guess it took me longer than some to get there.
Flip forward a few years; I never had a lightning bolt!, but found myself dealing with things entirely differently. I think it's a matter of waiting till you're brain is chemical free and working the way it should. I drank and drugged for almost 25 years. So I would guess it took me longer than some to get there.
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
I haven't been sober long, (less than a month). At first I obsessed about things, but I have since learned in sobriety to let a lot go. I care what people think of me much less, because I'm a lot more confident. I feel way more comfortable in my skin! I meditate sometimes, which also helps with obsessive thoughts, but mostly I let go and let god!
I am also on an anxiety/depression SSRI which helps tremendously.
I am also on an anxiety/depression SSRI which helps tremendously.
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