changeschoices

I hope you all don't mind my posting here. After three and a half years of going in an out of AA and our relationship, my BF left me again a few months ago. He'd been sober 8 months and his leaving was out of the blue because things seemed great. Except, he'd been having family stress and was acting weird, but I thought it was because of his upcoming minor surgery. I was worried about his recovery because he was only going to AA about twice a month and he wouldn't work with a sponsor.

On the phone he broke up with me because he said I didn't love or support him enough and then added, "And I've been drinking again." I was really surprised and said, "When did that happen?" He said, "Well, I'm drinking right now. I had to get drunk in order to break up with you."

For a few months now since the breakup, I have been feeling terrible because of him saying that. Blaming myself for his relapse, even though I was really happy in the relationship and thought he was, too.

Last week, it hit me like a train: he'd been acting weird the last couple weeks of our relationship. He complained about how he hated his job (it was a pretty good job and given his DUI convictions and criminal record he was lucky to get it), how he had no time because of our relationship to pursue an interest he has had but never pursued for decades that he feels will make him rich and famous. That he hated where we live, it isn't exciting enough. That our relationship took up too much of his time and he wanted more time to be alone at his place. He was snapping at me and was really touchy. During a few of our phone calls in the last couple weeks before the end, it sounded like he was drinking something out of a glass and then putting it down on the table. Except he doesn't own any glasses, only plastic cups.

A week before the break up, he came over and I smelled what I thought was alcohol on his breath. When I asked him if he drank the night before, he yelled "No!" And then, the last time I saw him, he had big scratches across his shoulder. He's not the cheating type and the only time I ever saw him with scratches or bruises is when he was actively drinking and being thrown out of bars, falling down, etc. When I asked him how he got such big scratches, he got angry at me.

I've been beating myself up over causing his relapse, but...now I'm thinking he relapsed weeks before he left me and I just didn't know it. Thoughts? Opinions? Lies to make me feel better?

Boleo

Don't let his problems become your problems. Sounds like he was doing you a favor by leaving you. Whether it was intentional or not remains to be seen. My guess is he just wanted to go back to drinking and you represented an obstacle in his path.

Try posting this again in the F&F forum and you will probably find others who went through the same thing.

Carlotta

You did not cause his relapse. When it comes to his alcoholism:
You did NOT cause it
You CANNOT control it
and you CANNOT cure it.
He drank because he is an alcoholic and that s what alcoholics do unless they came to term with the fact that they can never drink safely again.
Relapse starts before someone picks up the first drink, his attitude changed, he was ungrateful and disgruntled and it was only a matter of time before he picked up.
Hopefully, he ll get some help but remember
you are powerless over his alcoholism.

What are you doing for yourself? Being miserable and feeling guilty for someone else s madness is not a way to live. Have you considered attending Al Anon?
If not, I suggest you give it a try. Al Anon saved my sanity.
I would also suggest that you go no contact with him and block him on FB and on your cell phone. There is no points in him calling you, by talking to him you only hurt yourself. Do not be surprised also if at some point he changes his mind and start quacking about you being the only one and wanting to get back together etc...

Last but not least, he drank because he wanted to drink. When it comes to alcoholism, there are no reasons to relapse just excuses.

Carlotta

I would never do that to a fellow codie. We need to face the cold hard truth and break through our denial in order to recover.

Grungehead

Unless you poured the alcohol down his throat you did not cause his relapse, it is all on him. From what you described it sounds like he may have already relapsed and was just looking for excuses for it happening.

longbeachone

I think that your assumptions are correct. Your post was the second one I read tonight from what sounds like a very nice girl, who has been used and abused by an alcoholic/addict boyfriend. You sound so nice, you deserve something far better. I'd kick him to the curb and get out there and find Prince Charming.

afloatsober

His relapse was not your doing or your responsibility.
When i relapsed in the past, it started way before i took the drink.
Started bitching about my job, my relationship, my fiances, AA, my childhood problems etc, etc......
Preparing myself and those around me for the inevitable drink.
Pushing people away and alienating myself from family and friends was done BEFORE i drank just so that i could tell myself how misunderstood and lonely i was.
Then i would drink.
The result of the relapse.
An sometimes i didn't even see it coming though others saw the train smash from miles away!
And hell proper would return with a vengence.
And it would be my decision to drink,nobody poured it down my throat.
You are not to blame and did all that you could.
Be at peace with that truth.
Gx

Gottalife

You did not casue his relapse. His choice NOT to accept treatment for his alcoholism is what caused the relapse.

He was very lucky to have your support, but, like so many of us have done in our own drinking careers, he blew it, not you.

Untreated alcoholics are absolutely self centred. The blame he tried to put on you is just a feeble rationalisation, an attempt to justify what he knows is wrong behaviour.

The friends and family forum will have more info, but from an alcoholics point of view there was nothing you did that could cause a relapse and nothing you could have done to prevent one. Alcoholics of my type are beyond human aid.

sugarbear1

It wasn't you or your fault.

Maybe raise your bar and move forward and find someone who thinks highly of you. Learn from this.

IOAA2

"Last but not least, he drank because he wanted to drink. When it comes to alcoholism, there are no reasons to relapse just excuses.

Carlottas above post deserves several RE-reads for many of us on these forums.

DON'T FORGET: We deal with alcohol, cunning, powerful and insidious.
BE WELL

Nevertheless

I have a formula for this.
When You relapse it's Your fault.
When HE relapses it's HIS fault.
It's that simple. There are all kinds of tests throughout sobriety,and when someone fails the test. The person that fails is to blame.

Fred

Music

A relapse it's called doesn't start with the drinking. It starts way before that, allowing that stinkin' thinkin' to creep back in. The kind of thinking that makes be believe that a drink will make things better. Kick the guy to the curb and move on. His life isn't as important as yours.

changeschoices

Thank you, guys. I'm crying as I read the replies because it all makes me terribly sad but also gives me a little relief from my guilt. I can't believe after all the relapses I saw him through, I didn't see this one coming in time to maybe, somehow help him. I honestly thought he was sober for good.

shil2587

Changeschoices, you didn't see him through previous relapses. You watched him mess up. His mess. You never have been able to help him in anyway. I say this having been in that position myself. All a family member or partner can ever do is watch. It's his decision to stop or not. With my A, I see it as a relationship with a sober man who takes irritatingly frequent holidays to a far away land with no guarantee of return. It keeps me sane and is helping me deal with the break up.

You could not help. The only person who could ever do that is him and his HP.

Carlotta

OK so now that we have established that you have NOTHING to do with him chosing to pick up and relapse (and this comes from alcoholics like him >btw I am an alkie as well as a codependent<) what do you plan to do about YOU?

I suggested that you check out Al Anon but I know that it is not always easy to find a meeting and not everyone likes the 12 steps format.

I would suggest that you get "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. This is a great book and reading it was one of the turning points in my recovery as a codie.
I would also suggest that you check this blog http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/
Cynical one has strong recovery and writes a great blog about codependency. She tells it like it is and reading her blog might help you.
I know I always get a lot from reading her work.

You wasted a long time trying to make him better, hurting yourself in the process now is the perfect time to move on and move forward and make YOU better.
You deserve to be loved and respected.
Be kind to yourself.

Music

You didn't (see him through relapses) you chose to stay with him in spite of the drinking. Look, my wife and I have been married almost 51 years and Lord knows I've done enough things in my time to deserve to be kicked to he curb. My wife hung in there and hopefully I haven't disappointed her but the difference is, I chose to make some changes. He has the same choices and you can either choose to hang in there like my wife did or carry on with your own life without him. You're not guilty because he drinks but if you choose to stay, don't gripe about it. It's your choice.

atalose

If only you were that powerful to cause him to relapse - you'd be that powerful to cure him.......neither of course are true.

Often it's a way codies keep themselves hooked to someone they are not ready to let go of. They buy into the blame then attempt to correct it, fix it, repair it right a wrong keep the argument going....attachment - positive or negative as long as they are still attached.

Tamerua

You can't cause anyone's relapse, as they say in AA, it's an inside job. I can't judge anyone's program but if he wasn't hitting meetings often and he wasn't working with a sponsor and he was finding fault with his surroundings, he had already emotionally relapsed.

The good part, it had nothing to do with you. That's also the frustrating part because it means you can't fix it. Hang in there, work on you, find out what makes you happy.

changeschoices

Thanks again, all, for the continuing good advice. I do have the book "Codependent No More" and clearly I need to read it again!

I don't think I could've prevented his relapse, only he alone could've taken the steps to do that, but I'm dismayed that I missed ALL of those obvious signs that he was headed for a relapse. Looking back, it all seems so clear now. Real PAWS symptoms type stuff. It was his choice to relapse or not, but I wish I'd recognized the signs for what they were and pointed them out to him. He may have just gotten angry at me and kept on his path to destruction, but maybe not. But, it's neither here nor there now.

I can't go back for another go 'round, although I love him dearly and miss him terribly. I am a mother so I need to focus on my kids. And maybe someday he will get sober, not just dry, and we can be a part of each other's lives again. He is a lovely person when sober, and that is who I believe he truly is at heart.

I feel genuinely scared for the first time in the nearly four years I've known him, because after seeing him relapse several times after periods of drying out, I've seen each relapse get worse. And now it's hitting me that...it's so extremely painful to say this but, I'm wondering if the next and last time I will see him will be at his funeral. It breaks my heart.

ProgressNotPerfection

********. He had to break up with you so he could get drunk. Oldest song in the alcoholic songbook - goes like this ♪♪♪ ♫ "The Turn-around" ♫ ♪♪♪ - "I did it but I blame you, quack quack, it is my fault but I blame you, quack, quack, if I blame you, quack, quack, I can drink more, quack, quack.." - it is in an odd beat and has lousy harmony.

At the end of the day, he did you a favor. He set you free.