rowd44

A common mistake lies in imagining that with enough willpower one can somehow avoid being an addict. This approach is consistent with the tough-love view of the world. In this view, I should have been just a little stronger and then I wouldn’t have been in this mess. People who feel this way that think tough love is a good approach have never much been addicted nor do they understand what it feels like inside to be an addict or alcoholic

How do you explain to people who don't get it what it's like?

Dee74

Actually sometimes tough love is a suitable approach - without it, I may have never hit my bottom, and I may have dragged more of my family and friends down with me.

The trick is, I think, knowing when it's appropriate and when it's not....

it's often not used appropriately on forums like this for example, unless there's a prior relationship to work from...

and we should never forget the love bit of tough love - the object is to get everyone involved healthy and well again.

D

awuh1

I have seen tough love originate from someone who knows exactly of what they speak. I don’t think this is what you are talking about. There are also those that believe that everyone can muster enough will power to overcome addiction. Some of them regularly contribute here on SR. That’s their opinion. I have no trouble with that. I’m just not in that camp, so I won’t address that either.

What you are talking about is a tough love that comes from those that don’t fully understand, and I mean understand to their very bones what it is like to be an addict or alcoholic whose will power is sometimes completely insufficient. They don’t get it. There is a part of them that can never fully empathize, and as a result tough love from them has a sort of limited value.

Bottom line is that I believe it important to realize that this is often the best they can do. What they are intending to express… is … after all…love. You’ve got to give them credit for that.

afloatsober

Tough love from non addicts who probably have our interests at heart seems to me is often born of frustration, anger, desperation and fear. They just don't get it and probably never will.
Tough love from another addict often manifests to me in the form of truth.
It was only when another alcoholic (or 2), many years sober, laid out the stark reality and consequences of continued drinking that i began to really appreciate the gravity of my situation.
That i reached out for help and gave up relying on my will alone.
Importantly though, when they told me that i faced insanity, destitution or worse, they told me what i needed to do in order to get and stay well.
The rest was up to me with their continued support.
Some in early days told me that alcoholics relapse and that was to be expected....
I watched many never come back.
This kills people and ruins lives.
Let us never forget what is at stake when we decide that 'just one wont hurt'.....
Lets do this.
Gx

AnyLengths

Forgive me if I'm reading this and taking my reply out of context, but this notion from OP is sort of indicative of our selfishness and self-absorption. And when I say that I mean me (recovering alcoholic) also, not just pointing fingers on a message board.

Tough Love is not about the alcoholic, it's about the people who are subjected to living and dealing with the chaos and wreckage of the alcoholic.

Tough Love is not a plan of "Let's give him Tough Love and it will fix him ... " It's a last-resort of detachment, possibly with love, for people to remove the alcoholic activity from their lives.

While Tough Love involves the alcoholic, it's not really about the alcoholic. It's about the people who want to move on without all the BS that we bring when active in our disease.

GroundhogDay

My sister would always get better when she didn't have a boyfriend to enable her drinking and bizarre behavior. Unfortunately, she married the last one, and now she is spiraling down into a pattern of more and more drinking, prescription pills, and bizarre behavior. It's not that her husband encourages her to drink. He quit drinking for a while to set an example, and still doesn't drink much. He also pays for her two different therapists (regular and addiction) and other doctors/professionals. The problem is that my sister uses an ever-increasing array of medical diagnoses as an excuse to indulge in drinking and bizarre behavior. To make matters worse, I think she is now truly mentally ill and can't recover even if she wants to. I blame the combination of alcohol and prescription pills for putting her in that state. Her husband recently has come around to the same idea. He thinks she needs a "reset"--no pills or drinking--because she is "getting worse, not better." Unfortunately, he excused her behavior for years before it dawned on him that all this "help" is making things worse.

I often wonder if she would be a better person today if she hadn't gotten so much "help." Then again, for as long as we have been alive, she has seemed determined to hit the self-destruct button.

DoubleDragons

Honestly, I wish my father would take a tough love approach with my mother. Instead, he gets angry but then takes her to bars for martinis. While I am lucky to have a very loving and forgiving spouse and friends, who seem to only focus on what they like about me, there are many times I wish at least one of them, would have been a hard ass and made me face how embarrassing and humiliating and dangerous my drunken episodes have been not only to me but also to them. It is not their job to make me better, it is mine, but I think I would have found disgust from them a little more motivating than constantly looking the other way or telling me that I am "too hard on myself."

rowd44

thanks for you your thoughts and ideas. I found the responses very beneficial! Have a great and sober weekend!