Overcoming a challenging day
 

I woke up this morning for the first time in almost six weeks of sobriety feeling really very demotivated. I felt very depressed - not just down but deeply and 'existentially' depressed - everything about being a human felt completely negative and crap.

I spent much of the day stumbling over things, knocking things over, dropping things and muttering and swearing under my breath at obnoxious looking (to me) people on the street. I was in a pretty bad way and could not see past it. This was all the more alarming given how well the first month and a half has gone for me.

By this afternoon I was thinking about drinking to 'cure' this awful state of mind. Without really wanting to consciously I started thinking about setting out for the AA meeting I would normally go to on a Thursday, stopping at a supermarket and buying a bottle of vodka, and drinking a good potion of it when I got home and my partner had gone to bed (so she would not know). All doubly weird because I never even used to drink vodka..!

I was so lacking in anything like a sane head on my shoulders I finally collapsed on my bed at about 4.00 and slept for an hour feeling exhausted.

The 'plan' - only half serious - was still there when I woke up when my partner got home from work.

I set out for the meeting..but I didn't stop at the supermarket - I don't think it was a serious possibility - but it was on the radar for sure. When I got to the meeting it was a small one. The rain seemed to have kept a good few normal attenders at home. It resulted in a more intimate sort of thing and I spilled all of the above and more out when I got the chance.

..and talked about how I am beginning to see the 'programme' as a means of addressing some of the crap that leads me to drink as an option and a 'solution' for some of my internal issues and how if we are to remain sober..if *I* am to remain sober at any rate, now I have stopped, I need to work out what I need to do to stay stopped.

Anyway I am home now and the meeting worked wonders. Tomorrow is another day!

Very good to hear!

:You_Rock_

for the last 25 years, everyday I would stop at a bar or stop at a store to buy alcohol.

Now after 67 days sober it is still hard not to get booze.

Yesterday on my way home I felt really good and energetic and I felt like doing something fun instead of the normal routine of going home and watching TV.

I thought about "catching a buzz" and saying "f it all", this sobriety is stupid.

Luckily I snapped out of it quickly and went home sober.

Every day IS a challenge.