Arbor

Is it ultimately our own fault for becoming alcoholic? In my twenties I had no clue that this could progress overtime. So innocent. So dumb.

Nuudawn

I am off two minds on that answer. Is it our fault? I don't think so. There are all kinds of things behind the scenes of addiction...genetic, family environment, even stress in the freaking womb. Like I you..I look back at when all this started and can't help thinking I was simply naive without a map.

But I do think it is our responsibility to address...of course. Does anybody or anything really have to be to blame? We need to understand the "why's and when's" I guess but I don't think we need to spend a whole lot of time in judgement.

When we know better, we do better (eventually : )

Arbor

Your right. It's not worth beating yourself up about and spending too much time on the subject. I'm just thinking of my son (He's still a baby 18 months). I feel obligated to discuss the genetic aspect of it all. Found out later after the fact that alcoholism runs in the family. My parents never discussed the dangers with me. Who knows if it would have made a difference in my life, but it will be discussed down the road.

Nuudawn

Really good question to ponder in that context than Arbor. Good for you. There are times in this sobriety where I have wondered why no one in my family ever sat me down and just said " we love you, we care about you but you're obviously drinking too much...what's going on?". I come from a family who preferred to triangulate and judge and talk behind your back rather than speak to you directly (I learned to do that too). I often wonder if that would have made a difference.

spydermary

I do put all the blame on me. Even if it can be proven that I have a predisposition to alcoholism, it was my choice to drink in the first place and my choice to continue until it no longer became a choice, but a necessity!

PaperDolls

It's not a blame game -- it's no one's fault really. Just a fact. Like Nuudawn said, we have to take responsibility for our recovery and own up to things we've done wrong in the past.

I grew up in a home with a sober alcoholic in AA. We were told from a young age that alcoholism can be hereditary and we should be careful. Sometimes my dad went overboard about things ...... either way, it was communicated to us yet, here I am, an alcoholic with some sober time. It didn't stop me from having the problem. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have the dialog but keep your expectations low.

Also, your baby is just 18 months (I have a 17 month old btw!). Don't start worrying about that stuff yet.

doggonecarl

You might wait until he can talk :-)

Arbor

He knows about 50 words or so now! LOL. I'm not worried about it. It was just a thought. Some personal reflection on a beautiful fall day. 14 days sober...

Nuudawn

Blame implies shame and judgement. Do you believe you made a fully informed and emotionally mature decision when you decided to drink?

I spent my life in shame and judgement...drinking to dull the pain of perpetual self abuse and criticism.

I am responsible for my life. I no longer need to cry in my wine over what big bad life.....my parents, my grade 6 school teacher, my first boyfriend, my last boyfriend or my boss in 1996 did to me.

I am completely responsible for my life...I author it. I wish I "got that" a long time ago. But a 46 year old mind does not live in a 15 year old's body.

I don't blame my genetics, my environment or myself. Why does there need to be blame? It happened...I'm getting over it.

Susan2984

I do feel that ultimately, most addictions, are the fault of the addict and no one else because to me the choice aspect always applies. There are genetics, there are extentuating circumstances, there is abuse and neglect and all sorts of things that lead to chemical dependence, but ultimately comes down to personal responsibility at the end of the day.

I tend to beat myself up pretty bad. Day 24 here. Been drinking most nights for about 3 years. Being too dependent on my wine crutch to get through life and calm my mind before bed. I let myself get dependent on it. And even worse in my personal situation, I do have a history of alcoholics in my (extended not immediate) family. My mom's brother was an addict and alcoholic and she warned us that there is often a genetic connection and to be careful when we drink. All through school and college I was. The first time I was drunk was at almost 23 after a friend's wedding and it was a one time thing. I drank occasionally, socially, and very responsibly. Then I ignored the warnings as a stressed out 26 year old, feeling isolated alone and bored in the evenings with 2 young kids asleep and a hubby who worked nights. I chose to drink to calm my anxiety. Would have been OK really on occasion had it not become an every night occurence of at least a couple glasses and sometimes more. I own that it was my own decision, even if there are factors that led to it.

That being said, every situation is different, and every person is different, I can only speak for myself.

Threshold

We choose to drink, but I don't think we choose to be or become alcoholics. Lots of people drink without it ever becoming an issue on not being able to stop.

My situation seems to be different from many people here. I didn't drink when I was young and everyone else was doing it.

I KNEW I had a genetic predisposition and that my personality is an addictive one. I was afraid of getting hooked. I was afraid of the stupid things I might do when drunk.

I didn't start drinking until I was 40, and at that time I chose to drink because I no longer gave a darn, my kids were grown and I just wanted to black out and not feel anything. So in my case I went in with eyes wide open, not some young innocent at all.

I didn't have any clue it would escalate as quickly as it did or what it would mean to truly not be able to stop. So there was that part that I could not have understood ahead of time.

I could have, and wish I had used my knowledge and self control to not start at all.

ODAT11

I am new here.. 24 days sober today.. Is it my fault I am an alcoholic.. I don't think so.. But it was my fault I took my first drink and it will be my fault if I go back out...it'll be my choice if I don't continue in the rooms.. It sucks for certain .. But thanks be to My Higher power my clarity of thought is better.. And now I have no choice but to feel obligated to work my program one day at a time. I am so grateful I found this forum

MrTumble

it would be wonderful if we understood the root cause of alcoholism, you are definitely right to ask yourself why, who or what caused it.

I deeply wish that the scientific community would take more interest in alcoholism, its such a life wrecker, not just for the individual but also society around.

Db1105

I drank to get drunk, not to become an alcoholic. How the hell was I supposed to know that I would become an alcoholic? There are plenty of heavy drinkers out there who don't have a problem. It's not my fault that the fickle finger of fate made me one.

What I am responsible for is doing something about my alcoholism once I got honest with myself. That was to find a way not to drink.

ctrl

I don't think it's my fault that I'm an alcoholic, but it's my fault if I continue drinking.

More than that, I don't care who's fault it is. I only care about the fact that the decision for life is mine.

There is a door that is shut to me, behind which lies the world of responsible drinking. I can't play in that room. I can blame myself or genetics for not being allowed in...but regardless, I can't play.

Susan2984

I think one of the reasons I blame myself more for what become a dependence on alcohol is that I never experienced the "frenzy" that most do. Even today, I could easily have one or two drinks without wanting more. I never really had the typical alcoholism experience of not being able to stop myself from having more. Nights I binged it was because I made the conscious choice to do so. What makes me mad about myself was getting dependent on such a small amount daily. How silly and unhealthy. I may beat myself up too much but I can't help it.

I do think there are a myriad of reasons for any addiction though.

courage2

In the simplest way, of course it's my fault. It's only one of my faults, many of which I would have had without ever drinking at all.

I have no interest in blaming anyone, though I do believe that understanding my personal history may help enlighten my path so I can avoid making similar bad choices again.

In general, I'm trying not to dwell in the past of blame and regret, but learn how to live a decent life in the now.

FourSeasons

LOL Nuudawn!! As usual, I can so much relate to your posts.

jkb

I don't think it is my fault I am alcoholic however, I do think I continued drinking long after I knew better... that is my fault.

Interesting food for thought though,

Jess

MrTumble

Very true for myself. Plus, I didnt actually know what an alcoholic was, actually didnt know for a long long time. I thought they were all just old guys who hung out on benches, took me ages to realise I was one and that people like me and you could become one toooo...