DarkDespair

Hi everybody!

I've recently come across a video on youtube which I think gives some great thoughts on addiction. Can't post it because I need 15 or more posts, so if you want to watch it, go to yt and type in: "Addiction and Recovery: Leaving Las Vegas".

In the end, the guy tells us that in order to be able to maintain sobriety and improve your life, you have to start realising that you are actually important. The reference to the movie and novel "Leaving Las Vegas" is that the character Ben has obviously totally given up and doesn't think that he is worthy of having a great, happy life without alcohol. Now I wonder if you folks can relate to this, because I now realise that for the longest time while drinking, I thought that "this" was how I was supposed to feel all the time - like ****. I really did believe and still do sometimes (even though I'm sober 99 days today) that I am totally worthless and don't deserve a better life at all, what's more I truly thought that I was supposed to be this drunk who was screwing up everything in his life. Now I begin to wonder if alcohol made me feel this way or if I actually started turning to alcohol because there might be some huge self-esteem-problem going on...anyway, just wanted to know what you think about this. Sorry if it's a bit long :-P

Peace and Love,

DarkDespair

Bubovski

You raise some interesting issues Dark.
What came first the chicken or the egg?
I think alcohol made all my bad characteristics so much worse!
Then again it probably led me down some bad new paths as well.
Will have a look at the video..............

Mountainmanbob

points of interest

we need to care for each other

in recovery we must be able to fight for our lives

hypochondriac

I can really relate to this DD. I think I still do think I am worthless and I am struggling to find my place in the world. But then I have recently gone through a life changing experience, stopping drinking, so that is not surprising. I was able to numb myself when I was drinking and just pass the days without caring. Now though I need to face things and stop stagnating. And I have been doing that. There have been interests that long since went by the wayside which have come back and I find my life has more purpose now. I may not feel great all the time but I doubt that anyone else does either. It is the human condition to ponder our purpose, it isn't just for alcoholics I have massive self esteem issues but I am working on that. That is the point of recovery I think, to work on things. And that gives us a purpose if nothing else.

Sorry, haven't watched the video yet, just ranting...

FeenixxRising

I understand why many addicts feel this why. Fortunately, for me, I've never felt worthless.

nandm

The first thing that entered my head when I saw the title of this thread was a quote by Marianne Williamson. I will post it in a minute.

I too lived with feeling I was worth less than others (or worthless). That some how others deserved more than I because I was not as good as them. It took me many years to realize where this feeling came from; my childhood and the way that I was raised. My parents were very conservative Christians and believed GLBT people are evil and deserve death. There was also a lot of verbal and physical abuse in the home. I knew from a young age, around 6, that I was not heterosexual but tried to hide that from the world and myself by playing the role I was expected to play and marrying the young man I dated in high school. I spent my life hiding trying to be small and not be noticed. The conflict I felt because inside I believed what I had been taught about GLBT people vs the person I knew I was inside, knowing that person was a good person not deserving all the hate that was thrown at people like myself nearly killed me as I literally attempted suicide more than once over it. I did come out to myself prior to getting sober but still struggled with those feelings of fear and being worthless. After several years of sobriety I finally learned to accept all of who I am (in my late 30's) and in doing so came to understand that I am not worth any less than any other person on this earth. It was fear that kept me from accepting myself and kept me feeling that I was worth less than the rest of the world. It was fear that kept me small and insecure. It was fear that kept me hiding myself from the world. Fear can be deadly. Although I am sure drinking contributed to my feelings of worthlessness and insecurity I think they were there long before I ever picked up my first drink.

Each of us has value beyond measure. Each of us has something to contribute to this world; some do it in large ways that get a lot of attention and some do it in small but consistent ways that do not get as much attention but are just as important. Each of us is unique with unique talents therefore able to contribute something unique to this world. Each of us have baggage and have done things that we would rather we had not done but that does not change our potential to do good. That potential to do good adds to our value rather than the negative things we have done taking away from our value. When we value ourselves that releases our potential for good which in turn can inspire others to do the same making the world a better place for others to live in.

So here is the quote:

roomsforall

Thanks nandm! What a great post. It's very inspiring to hear that you've found that you've let go of your fear of being yourself. Self-acceptance is such a struggle for me at this point in my life (late-twenties), and I find myself struck down by the fear that it is too late. So thank you for sharing your perspective.

zjw

I feel rather worthless still even if i think about it too much. i just try not to think about it anymore or at least not too much in depth. For me stuffing my head in the sand seems to work. I know thats probably not the best idea. Like I said it depends on my perspective if i choose to see the glass half empty i will. If I choose to see it half full I will. I can play both sides at any given time it seems. What works for me is to just stop overthinking it.

But if someone wants to engage me on my point and purpose or theres it always seems like at the end of the day there isnt one. I really hope I learn otherwise one day. For example I might feel my family wants me and needs me to stay around. But I dont feel needed or wanted I feel like not much more then a meal ticket. If that makes any sense.

roomsforall

zjw, You definitely make sense. I'm sorry you feel that way with your family.

Idk, therapy has helped me to start piecing some meaning back together. I really believe, on a certain level, that I deserve the abuse that I inflict on myself with alcohol, bad relationships, food restriction and self-criticism. It's rough.

I really don't know if there is any "inherent" meaning in the world. I guess my life seems meaningful when I treat it as though it means something. If that makes sense.

Mountainmanbob

I really believe, on a certain level, that I deserve the abuse that I inflict on myself with alcohol, bad relationships, food restriction and self-criticism. [/QUOTE]

God would not wish that for you
mountainman

Johno1967

The way I see it, how could you not love yourself knowing that the life you carry within you carries the spark of a divine that fundamentally and at our core we are children of the universe and everyone of us is unique. There is never to be another you. We all have the potential to be kind, loving, compassionate and forgiving and have the right to it.
We may be powerless over alcohol but with strength we are not hopeless and no one is worthless. There are many many stories of seemingly hopeless, homeless and spiritually and financially destitute people that recovered and went further than they could have ever imagined possible.

UnixBer

That's an interesting point. It was definately the alcohol that made me think that of myself and bad things. Luckily I don't think that way anymore.

roomsforall

I think alcohol made it "easy" for me to be the terrible person that I already thought that I was. It's really sad. Getting sober, it seems crazy to me that I actually did and said the things I did and said.

I don't think that I'm a "bad" person, but I can be a dangerous person. One of my driving motivations is that I don't want to be a cause of needless suffering.

hypochondriac

So, I was listening to this buddhist lecture today in work, and they were discussing bullying, and one of the things that came up and kind of slapped me in the face a bit, was the concept of conceit and how thinking you are worse than someone else was just as bad as thinking you are better than someone else because it can lead you to try and prove your worth by belittling others. They said that all bullies have self esteem problems. I thought it was a good point and worth mentioning here. It certainly made me see my own view of my self worth differently.

Black Bird

I never thought I felt worthless, until I became sober. My drinking triggers happen to me when I feel natural, sober, peace and self esteem. For some reason when I feel those good feelings, something in my brain tells me to drink. It could be because the false self esteem drinking gave me comes up when I am feeling the real thing. And/or because somewhere inside of me I don't think I'm worth those genuine good feelings. I am grateful that those true feelings of worth are coming to me. I am not in denial of my lack of self esteem anymore. Now I can embrace true feelings as I work on the bad ones. I am worth that. Thanks for the post and I love the quote posted above.