My husband wants to divorce me.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 47
My husband wants to divorce me.
I have been sober now over 4 months. I attend about 5 AA meetings per week. I work, attend school and take care of my elderly mother who lives with us ( I do her dialysis for her). My husband thinks AA is "brainwashing" me against him since he is a normal drinker. I've asked him to read the big book or attend Al-Anon, to no avail. He would rathervI go back to drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
it would be more convienant for him if you continued to drink. It would condone his behaivior and make him feel more comfortable. That being said I know I changed a lot and it was not easy on my wife getting used to the new sober me. I think we still have our issues as a result of me sobering up (shes not a drinker). She'd prefer me sober but it hasnt been a cake walk.
I also wouldnt push him with any AA type stuff. I wouldnt bother him with it at all other then "hey i'll be back in a bit going to my meeting". with how i was I probably would have bit someones head off for recomending i got to AA. I've learned my drinking problem is "MY" drinking problem. other people have there drinking problems too but they are there problems to contend with and its not my place unless I'm asked for advice etc..
He'll decide to sober up or not in his own time.
I also wouldnt push him with any AA type stuff. I wouldnt bother him with it at all other then "hey i'll be back in a bit going to my meeting". with how i was I probably would have bit someones head off for recomending i got to AA. I've learned my drinking problem is "MY" drinking problem. other people have there drinking problems too but they are there problems to contend with and its not my place unless I'm asked for advice etc..
He'll decide to sober up or not in his own time.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
I'm sorry you're dealing with that Karen 
. Years ago I got sober for over 6 years thinking it magically would make my relationship good. He never gave a damn, gone, dismissive, affairs, no communication. I ended up relapsing in 2006 (no ones fault but mine) & we separated in 2009. I got sober again in 2011 & I have learned that yes I'm a drunk, an alcoholic. But I am a good person who works for good things. Just because someone was not an addict (like my ex) does not always make that person some kind of saint. It doesn't. That is something it seems like alcoholics are sometimes lead to believe.
His brainwashing comments are cruel & off base.
I hope things work out the way that is best for you and I hope most that you keep going to your meeting and remain sober. My heart goes out to you in caring for your Mom.
. Years ago I got sober for over 6 years thinking it magically would make my relationship good. He never gave a damn, gone, dismissive, affairs, no communication. I ended up relapsing in 2006 (no ones fault but mine) & we separated in 2009. I got sober again in 2011 & I have learned that yes I'm a drunk, an alcoholic. But I am a good person who works for good things. Just because someone was not an addict (like my ex) does not always make that person some kind of saint. It doesn't. That is something it seems like alcoholics are sometimes lead to believe. His brainwashing comments are cruel & off base.
I hope things work out the way that is best for you and I hope most that you keep going to your meeting and remain sober. My heart goes out to you in caring for your Mom.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
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i know from experience that 4 months isnt enough to prove who the new you is.
It takes awhile for others to see the new you.
I have found i also didnt know who i was for awhile.
My partner is still learning about the sober me as I am.
His brainwashing comments are because he doesnt truly understand that the program is trying to teach you a new way of life NOT take your old way away from him.
Spend some quality time with him and really apply YOUR program, patience, forgiveness and love and he will see what the program is teaching you.
It takes awhile for others to see the new you.
I have found i also didnt know who i was for awhile.
My partner is still learning about the sober me as I am.
His brainwashing comments are because he doesnt truly understand that the program is trying to teach you a new way of life NOT take your old way away from him.
Spend some quality time with him and really apply YOUR program, patience, forgiveness and love and he will see what the program is teaching you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Perhaps he ISNT a normal drinker, and what you are doing is deeply disturbing to his addictive voice. If you both drank together, perhaps hes in the same boat as you, just not coming to terms with it as quickly.
Hang in there. Things will make more sense the longer you stay sober.
Like the Codies say, you cant control HIS drinking.
Hang in there. Things will make more sense the longer you stay sober.
Like the Codies say, you cant control HIS drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 107
I'm sorry Karen. It's really hard to have an unsupportive partner. You are doing what is best for you, and it's really his problem if he can't handle that.
Like others have already said, he's not perfect just because he doesn't have a drinking problem.
Speaking from fairly recent personal experience, my long time SO broke up with me about a month into IOP. I relapsed, and I really wish now that I had stuck it out. Take care of yourself.
Like others have already said, he's not perfect just because he doesn't have a drinking problem.
Speaking from fairly recent personal experience, my long time SO broke up with me about a month into IOP. I relapsed, and I really wish now that I had stuck it out. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
i wondered if my sobriety would affect my relationships. there was a few times i wanted my wife to change after i sober. like drinking wine here and there. but i thought i was the one who took that one glass every week or so and turned it into a daily black out. so i dont let me bother me if she drinks wine here and there. she never had the problem i did.
sorry to hear that your husband wants to divorce you. hope things work out for you
sorry to hear that your husband wants to divorce you. hope things work out for you
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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How often do you discuss the benefits of AA to (note the "to" and not "with") your husband? I drove mine nuts in the beginning trying to pull him up onto the pink cloud that I was riding. As ecstatic as he was that I was there he had no desire to hop on.
If I love him and want to coexist with him he needs to be supportive of me. However, I came to the realization that in order for us to live together I have to get off my obsessive sobriety soapbox so much when I'm around him. He's not an alcoholic so he doesn't realize the relief that's felt when you learn that this can be done and how very good it is. Nor does he need to.
Is it possible that you discuss this so much with your husband that he might feel that it's a judgement of his drinking? You had said that he's a normal drinker. Why does he think that it's brainwashing you against "him"?
It took me having a talk with my husband and asking him to be honest with me and he was. I respect that.
If I love him and want to coexist with him he needs to be supportive of me. However, I came to the realization that in order for us to live together I have to get off my obsessive sobriety soapbox so much when I'm around him. He's not an alcoholic so he doesn't realize the relief that's felt when you learn that this can be done and how very good it is. Nor does he need to.
Is it possible that you discuss this so much with your husband that he might feel that it's a judgement of his drinking? You had said that he's a normal drinker. Why does he think that it's brainwashing you against "him"?
It took me having a talk with my husband and asking him to be honest with me and he was. I respect that.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527 
How often do you discuss the benefits of AA to (note the "to" and not "with") your husband? I drove mine nuts in the beginning trying to pull him up onto the pink cloud that I was riding. As ecstatic as he was that I was there he had no desire to hop on.
If I love him and want to coexist with him he needs to be supportive of me. However, I came to the realization that in order for us to live together I have to get off my obsessive sobriety soapbox so much when I'm around him. He's not an alcoholic so he doesn't realize the relief that's felt when you learn that this can be done and how very good it is. Nor does he need to.
Is it possible that you discuss this so much with your husband that he might feel that it's a judgement of his drinking? You had said that he's a normal drinker. Why does he think that it's brainwashing you against "him"?
It took me having a talk with my husband and asking him to be honest with me and he was. I respect that.
If I love him and want to coexist with him he needs to be supportive of me. However, I came to the realization that in order for us to live together I have to get off my obsessive sobriety soapbox so much when I'm around him. He's not an alcoholic so he doesn't realize the relief that's felt when you learn that this can be done and how very good it is. Nor does he need to.
Is it possible that you discuss this so much with your husband that he might feel that it's a judgement of his drinking? You had said that he's a normal drinker. Why does he think that it's brainwashing you against "him"?
It took me having a talk with my husband and asking him to be honest with me and he was. I respect that.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Huntington Woods, Michigan
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Originally Posted by KarenSW
I have been sober now over 4 months. I attend about 5 AA meetings per week. I work, attend school and take care of my elderly mother who lives with us ( I do her dialysis for her). My husband thinks AA is "brainwashing" me against him since he is a normal drinker. I've asked him to read the big book or attend Al-Anon, to no avail. He would rathervI go back to drinking.
What do you mean about graduation from aa? My life does not revolve around aa meetings. In a sense, I graduated from having to attend so many meetings to relying on a higher power and not the meetings to stay sober.
The people in aa could be brainwashing you unintentionally. I know that sounds scary, but what I mean is that a brainwashing effect can occur from being in a vulnerable spot with life and booze and sitting in aa meetings reciting mantras and slogans and hearing a bunch of canned messages from the people in aa. This happened to me. I was letting the people in aa do my thinking for me. It wasn't working out to well.
What I did to counteract this is place more emphasis on the twelve steps than on meetings and accountability to sponsors and honegroups. Each of these has its place in my life, but I'm accountable to my family too. Aa is very important to me, but it isn't my life; it's my foundation for life. At least, that's what I strive for.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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If you say nothing to him about it then how does it affect his life? In sobriety we don't graduate, we're going for a Lifetime Achievement Award.
Does he have a problem with you attending meetings 5 nights a week?
Does he want you to start drinking again and why? These questions are based on the statement that he's a normal drinker.
I guess I'm missing something.
Does he have a problem with you attending meetings 5 nights a week?
Does he want you to start drinking again and why? These questions are based on the statement that he's a normal drinker.
I guess I'm missing something.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
It's not uncommon for our partners to be fearful of us changing. It's scary.
They spent so many years with us being a certain way and then all of a sudden we're changing how we do things. How we react, how we think, what we say, what we do.
As disruptive as our drinking was to them; our recovery disrupts them too. They don't know what to expect and no one like that.
It would be very beneficial if he would attend Alanon, but you can't force him. Just like no one could force you to quit drinking or attend AA. May be a couples counselor that had knowledge of alcoholism and co-dependency could help?
They spent so many years with us being a certain way and then all of a sudden we're changing how we do things. How we react, how we think, what we say, what we do.
As disruptive as our drinking was to them; our recovery disrupts them too. They don't know what to expect and no one like that.
It would be very beneficial if he would attend Alanon, but you can't force him. Just like no one could force you to quit drinking or attend AA. May be a couples counselor that had knowledge of alcoholism and co-dependency could help?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 69
"What about my job, what about advertising?" I ask.
She says only, "You may have to make some changes."
Make some changes? Like what? move the lamp to the other side fo the room?
She takes a piece of paper and a pen and makes a drawing. "Think of a puzzle," she says. She draws a square and then inside of this adds squiggly puzzle shapes, with one piece missing. "So this piece here is you." She draws an individual puzzle piece. "In recovery, your shape changes. In order for you to fit back into the rest of the puzzle, your life, the other pieces of the puzzle must also change their shapes to accommodate you."
I have the distinct feeling that this will not happen. That I will end up the misplaced puzzle piece, lost under the sofa. "And if the other peices of the puzzle don't change? What then?"
"Then," she says, "you find another puzzle to belong to." She leans back in her chair and it squeaks.
She says only, "You may have to make some changes."
Make some changes? Like what? move the lamp to the other side fo the room?
She takes a piece of paper and a pen and makes a drawing. "Think of a puzzle," she says. She draws a square and then inside of this adds squiggly puzzle shapes, with one piece missing. "So this piece here is you." She draws an individual puzzle piece. "In recovery, your shape changes. In order for you to fit back into the rest of the puzzle, your life, the other pieces of the puzzle must also change their shapes to accommodate you."
I have the distinct feeling that this will not happen. That I will end up the misplaced puzzle piece, lost under the sofa. "And if the other peices of the puzzle don't change? What then?"
"Then," she says, "you find another puzzle to belong to." She leans back in her chair and it squeaks.
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KarenSW,
I just want to give you one big hug right now. I went back through some of your posts and that gave me further info that I was missing. Your thread interested me because my husband and I went through a bit of a rough patch in the beginning. GoodbyeJose's post described it the best as what it's like to tryto make things normal again. It's never normal rather the "new" normal.
After looking at prior posts I saw that you said:
I understand exactly what you're saying now. Before you used to be carefree and be right there with him. Now, you have to be watchful and mindful that you don't drink. We can all judge and say "what kind of man would care more about continuing going out when he knows what this causes for you?" but I think it's only healthy to be realistic. You can't drink, point blank. He doesn't feel the way he did about going out with you as he did previously. This is something that he loves to do and this was a big part of your life and now it's changing. That's really hard to deal with. It sounds like that's where he thinks that you're being brainwashed. He badly wants you to be able to be the old you, doing the same thing that you used to do with him. Non alcoholics don't get it. My own husband once again spoke the words this time "I wish you could just.........." and I shut him up quickly. Those words led me back to a relapse the last time they came out of his mouth.
If you truly love each other you can make it past this. Would he go to counseling with you?
Again, a big hug, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.
I just want to give you one big hug right now. I went back through some of your posts and that gave me further info that I was missing. Your thread interested me because my husband and I went through a bit of a rough patch in the beginning. GoodbyeJose's post described it the best as what it's like to tryto make things normal again. It's never normal rather the "new" normal.
After looking at prior posts I saw that you said:
My husband is a daily drinker. A big part of our lives were involved in the latest restaurants and night spots. He greatly misses this. He still drinks and doesn't understand why I just can't have one once in awhile.
If you truly love each other you can make it past this. Would he go to counseling with you?
Again, a big hug, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
I don't know if this is your situation or not, but an alcoholic can be controlled and manipulated rather easily when they are drinking. Once they sober up this control their partner has over them is gradually and greatly diminished. The partner panics, tries to reassert control and will even sabotage the sobriety of the alcoholic.
I've seen it happen both ways but in my experience women alcoholics are subjected to this much more often. I have seem women in their first weeks of sobriety crying, scared to death of losing their super husband go to divorcing that crazy ******* a year of sobriety later.
I've seen it happen both ways but in my experience women alcoholics are subjected to this much more often. I have seem women in their first weeks of sobriety crying, scared to death of losing their super husband go to divorcing that crazy ******* a year of sobriety later.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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While actively drinking..whether enjoying it or abusing it (as was my case)...I would likely be very uncomfortable around someone abstaining. As others have noted, this is about change and people's discomfort with it.
My concerns are for your sobriety as this is a helluva monkey wrench in early recovery. How are you feeling about your sobriety right now?
My concerns are for your sobriety as this is a helluva monkey wrench in early recovery. How are you feeling about your sobriety right now?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
Hmmmm. Maybe he might respect other literature on alcoholism where AA is explained. Perhaps an addiction therapist could recommend something, or any popular, readable account. I don't think the big book wouldn't do anything for me if I didn't acknowledge a problem. It kind of looks and feels like a bible. That's not to say that he doesn't possibly have a stupidity problem.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
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I was in a writing class a few years ago, and one of the other writers was a therapist. She was writing about something called "Systems Theory", and while her workshop piece was meant for others in her profession, we all felt that another version of it for the lay person would have a great deal of merit.
Basically, what systems theory meant is that we all live within systems; for example, a family situation. The system works because everyone has their expected role. However, if someone changes their role, that throws everybody else off-kilter because now the system has to change. The ones who didn't make the change willingly will fight against the one who wants to change because they are comfortable and familiar in their roles and they are unwilling to change. But they MUST change if another in the "system" makes a major change.
I've seen this happen so many times in life, and it makes so much sense. It's similar to the puzzle-piece story.
By you changing (becoming sober) you are forcing your husband to change, and he is resisting. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself, and he will have to figure out what he is going to do. His system is not going back to what it was before.
Basically, what systems theory meant is that we all live within systems; for example, a family situation. The system works because everyone has their expected role. However, if someone changes their role, that throws everybody else off-kilter because now the system has to change. The ones who didn't make the change willingly will fight against the one who wants to change because they are comfortable and familiar in their roles and they are unwilling to change. But they MUST change if another in the "system" makes a major change.
I've seen this happen so many times in life, and it makes so much sense. It's similar to the puzzle-piece story.
By you changing (becoming sober) you are forcing your husband to change, and he is resisting. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself, and he will have to figure out what he is going to do. His system is not going back to what it was before.
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