underoath

Just to give you a fair warning, this will be a lengthy read but I think the information is valuable for assessing my situation and getting the support I need.... there are plenty of other posts here with the same story to some degree but I feel like it's worth repeating here.

When I was 18 I went into an outpatient rehab facility, willingly. My situation didn't seem severe enough to warrant the attention I received though, and I felt like I was being over dramatic. I had been smoking weed daily since I was 16, using/abusing adderall daily, eventually started using benzos and cocaine daily for a few months. As far as I'm concerned, this was normal behavior for someone my age, after all I knew people much worse who didn't bitch and moan about it. However, I couldn't handle it. As a spiritual person at the time, I felt like I was heading down the wrong path and it bothered me. However, I couldn't stop. My life finally reached a low (by my standards, but it really wasn't that bad). Had a few scares, suffered with some severe anxiety/panic issues for a few months, and finally got straightened out. Attended AA for about a year. At the time, as far as I was concerned, and still am, there's no difference between addictions. However, one of the biggest problems for me being in AA at that age was the fact that everyone else near my age was forced there. They looked at me like I was crazy. Most of them were worse off than I was, intravenous drug users and dealers who had been arrested, using from an earlier age with a longer and more severe history of addiction than I.

During my period of sobriety, I worked part time and attended school part time. I wasn't entirely happy, but I was definitely better off. I eventually made the grades needed to attend a prestigious (by my definition) university that I had dreamed of attending as a kid. I started last semester (January). It was a struggle, with all the partying kids around and of course the stressful workload. I still managed to finish with a B average, but I slipped up at spring break and started drinking again. Of course, it was a tough decision and took a toll on me, because I had been "brainwashed" by AA and felt very guilty about my decision to take that first drink again, especially since I was coming up on 2 years of sobriety. However, at that point the floodgates had opened. I've been drinking daily since. I average half a liter of whiskey a day (sometimes more, but usually half a liter). I start drinking from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. I usually start my day off with 3-4 shots. I just love alcohol... Here I am though, starting my new semester and failing every class. My parents work hard to pay for my tuition (close to 6,000 dollars) since I lost my scholarship back after my first **** up. My whole family is proud of me, because I'm the first to go to college. I don't know what to do here. I'm entirely lost. I'm not going to promise myself I will quit drinking but I am swallowing my pride and going to an AA meeting tonight, just to see what's up. I need someone to talk to. The hardest part about all of this is I really hate asking for help and I feel like "I've made my bed, I'll lie in it."

I just don't know how to shake this thought that "my situation is not that bad" and be one of the few 21 year olds that doesn't drink at all... because I know people my age now who drink just as much as I do and they don't feel like it's a problem. I just feel like a ***** asking for help and I feel like I'm being over dramatic. Most people in AA have been drinking much more heavily for longer periods of time....

My friends suggest that I talk to someone on campus, but I really don't want to. I've learned the hard way that it takes an addict to know an addict, and most of these counselors are just some text book therapists who talk out of their asses. Not to mention, I want absolutely no record of this ******** on anything. So if I do anything at all, it will be confined to AA right now... but I do really need to talk to someone about what the **** to do about my grades and my school situation right now because I have royally ****** myself.

Edit: I really don't know if I should call my parents and tell them what's going on or not, I want to try to fix this myself and I don't want to disappoint them. As far as they know I'm making good grades and doing well, I just don't know if I can handle this school much longer I may have to drop out this semester for real, there seems to be no hope of my recovery but the only way to find out is to talk to someone on campus about it and let them know what's going on but I really don't want to do that. I hate attention of any kind... but if I'm going to do any of that it's going to be AA... talking to someone on campus about my problems is just asking for some over exaggerated ******** and medical files and all that nonsense. I once asked the on campus doctor for anxiety medication and next thing I know they are asking me if I'm trying to kill myself and if I have any weapons. I was like uhhhh what the ****? Last thing I need right now is some medical diagnoses by some ***** who doesn't know what he's talking about

Gravel

Some people are more sensitive to alcohol and it's grasp. Just because your buddies seem to handle it fine doesn't mean you should be able to also.

I just came off a binge a few days ago but I'm quitting again for myself.

Ask yourself who is a better man - the drunk you or the sober you. If you truthfully choose the sober one then be the better man.

I know darn well it isn't this easy to help someone quit or help myself quit. But my friend told me the other night that the alcohol is killing me because I am letting it. The bottle of alcohol has no legs. It cannot speak or walk so it cannot jump into your mouth. And nobody is going to hold you down and dump alcohol in your mouth. SO how does it get there? lol

I wish you luck.
p.s. Actually the bottle do talk with advertisements and people talking for the bottle. Those people want to cash in on your addiction. But the bottle and alcohol are static and cannot do anything for themselves until into your flesh.

lorelei

UO

id get all the help you can, tell your Parents and let them be there for you, the more we try to fight this alone the more alone we feel.

you can break this cycle x

Threshold

Glad you are looking realistically at all this. And ready to set things right again.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug user so I am not saying this as any kind of judgement. Quitting is hard at any age, but I do appreciate the challenge of being in the college scene etc. But if my niece who was deathly allergic to milk could go to school and learn to refuse cupcakes, candies etc at the age of 5....you see where I am going with this.

When I was going through some major shake ups in life, a friend said, you learn to adjust to the new normal. And she was right. Life is different, but different isn't the same as bad.

You know you can do this.

jacrazz

I have a child your age and as I mother i will tell you to please go to your parents and let them help you! Good Luck

zjw

Almost sounds like you still wanna walk the fence a little. Part of you wants to keep having fun the other part of you knows you should cut it out etc..

That being said we all make mistakes theres nothing wrong with dropping out of college and persuing something else just dont do it because of a booze habit. Figure out if the school work is brining you down driving you to drink or are you just trying to have fun and as a result your school work is suffering?

I dropped out of highschool got my GED went to college for a year decided it wasnt for me. I turned out just fine. Oh yeah sure some folks like to turn there nose at me and ask where my degree is but then after they discuss my qualifications for said job they tend to get a bit intimidated so a piece of paper a college hands you is not everything.

Of course if my parents where forken over the cash for a college education I might be inclined to go back.

I agree with you. You sound bright you sound like you know what appraoch would work best for you IE you mentioned AA. From your perspective I agree with you if its nothing no reason to be overly dramatic about it and create all sorts of hoopla. Even if it is more serious I dunno that a campus counselor even would be the best choice.

If it bothers you so much why not put it down for a day or 2 try for more days etc.. I never told myself I was quiting for good. I just quit for 1 day it just added up is all.

underoath

I found an AA meeting on campus on tuesdays. I have a test tomorrow night during the time so I won't be able to make it. Of course I'm on the fence about it, but I'm ******* up and I need to make some major changes. I may bite the bullet and go in and talk to someone just to see if they can point me in the right direction. I could definitely use some other help, like staying organized and learning how to study better. I owe it to myself more than anything, but I also feel like I'm bringing shame upon my family and that's the hardest part for me. The biggest issue for me is I'm stubborn and it's hard for me to ask for help, especially when there are others with bigger issues at hand

zjw

Yeah I sobered up on my own. I probably woulda bit off any hand extended to me offering help. It might be an option to go it alone find some stuff to read on the topic stay plugged into a board like this etc.. Then you dont have to go ask for help. I went to AA a year after I sobered up only because folks here pushed me about it. I thought it was a stupid idea etc.. I'm glad I went and wish i would have gone sooner it would have made my life easier. But I dont go all that often anymore now.

Maybe your family would look down on your behavior I'm not sure. I dont know your families dynamic but the reality of the situation is everyone screws up and theres nothing wrong with getting back up after you fall down dusting yourself off and trying again. If that bothers them so be it. That would not be your problem but theres. Your problem however is to sober up and get this in check if thats what needs to happen.

I think the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up over stuff like this. drinking or not beating ourselves up over our mistakes is never healthy. Getting up and trying again is always the best approach.

zjw

Speaking of beating yourself up and bringing yoruself shame I sat in the first AA meeting and one older guy there was in tears because he had picked up and his daughter caought him. Here he had gone to another town to buy a 6 pack etc.. so no one would know etc.. and there he sat in AA crying about it. The guys in AA said the same thing I said hey dont beat yourself up over it theres a time for that sure but you gotta just get up and move forward.

I cant help but wonder if i picked up again if 'd be in his shoes tho crying in an AA meeting about it because I've been "brainwashed" now about the importance of remaining sober. But I guess I can see how its a sad even when someone with a drinking problem who knows they have a drinking problem goes and picks up its not really the brainwashed part of it. Its that you know better.

Its not easy just gotta dust yourself off and keep going.

underoath

I just feel like my situation isn't really worth it, I don't drink/use near as much as some people, I feel like I'm being a puss about it

Susan2984

I think it's better to quit while you're ahead sometimes too. I have only been drinking regularly the past 3 years and I'm 29. And while I certainly have had nights where I have drank too much, what really made me "wake up" was simply realizing that I was drinking a couple glasses of wine EVERY night. I wasn't drunk every night, I wasn't shirking my responsibilities at work or at home, I was feeling worn out but not hungover everyday, but I kinda looked at myself and went "Damn, it's been at least a month since I went a day without a drink" And then realized that it had been that way for the better part of 3 years. Would it sound "silly" to some that a relatively "moderate" amount of wine (in comparison with those who drink heavily) is a problem? Maybe but who cares. I know myself and I know that I need to break the daily habit and I am. You're not a "puss" you're smart.

Fandy

welcome back under-O...
I've missed you and often wondered you were coping.

no advice...but if you go the professional counsel route, they might be able to get you a medical excuse that would save you from failing, instead taking an Incomplete thus saving some of your parents tuition $$$...

Arbor

Sounds like you have a serious problem to me. Your not a puss asking for help. I've never gotten to the point where I had to have a drink in the morning. It was always at night after work. Everyday. And I felt it was a serious problem.

Gravel

You don't want to train your body to be able to handle more toxins and carry on with everyday life. Because while you might feel proud you can accomplish all this your body will show wear and tear signs and then you'll be really hooked on this crap as the years roll on.

be happy your body cannot handle it in smaller amounts like you say. This tells me you listen to your body which is a real reason to be proud.

seanie1888

Glad you found a meeting on campus Ou,
hope you can find others around your age who are in same boat.

It may give you that bit of support you need.
I also hope you stay in college

good luck

underoath

I know, I just do not want to go back into a rehab facility. AA is the only thing worth my time IMO, I wonder if it's possible to get medical leave without having to be admitted to some facility (which costs $ and imo is pointless). I haven't been long enough without a drink to experience any severe w/d symptoms, but I wonder what my situation would be like if I quit cold turkey, I'm not sure if the amount I'm drinking is enough to warrant medical supervision. Tapering seems virtually impossible considering I cannot control my drinking...

zjw

I tapered I was afraid to go cold turkey and I was not about to explain to my wife maybe I should go to detox thats like saying I had a drinking problem and well when i quit drinking the last thing I thought was that i had a drinking problem. Going to some facility was just like shouting it to the world.

I new tapering would SUCK and be hard. But I new quiting would be even harder. I tapered a few days and decided this is stupid I"m just prolonging the inevitable and I put it down and that was that. It was not easy but I figured after a few days of tapering I'd roll the dice with with drawels DT's etc...

I set limits for my taper I basicly drasticly reduce my intake. I was at about no less then 15 beers a night. When i tapered I dropped to like 8 the first night then 6 the next the following I drank I think 5. Drinking started to suck at this point because I wasnt getting anywhere. Drinking only 5 or 6 beers seeed no different then drinking none at all. after that I said screw it this is pointless if i cant get smashed! and I stopped. then the real fun began. I escaped all the horrors DT's siezures etc.. I got lucky none of that but it sucked in a zillion other ways.

Fandy

Under-O, I was thinking one-to -one outpatient therapy, like a psychology appt., therapist. That would be enough to get you an Excuse Absence and take an Incomplete on the classes before you get to the point where you can't dig out.

underoath

Gotcha. I have contacted the medical clinic on campus and they told me they only take walk ins for the initial visit, between 10 and 230. I will be going in tomorrow and I guess I will figure out my options there. Hopefully this won't bite me in the ass...

least

I hope your visit there tomorrow is productive for you. You're smart to want to kick this addiction now while you're still young. You'll have a lot fewer regrets when you get older.