Gravel

is the most painful thing for me.

Hi All,

I have been managing my drinks but the binges are back with me again. My sweet girlfriend has been so patient for almost a year with me on this drinking but I am pretty sure we're done now.

So now I am facing trying to get sober without a women I love. It's not going to be an easy task. I'm sure I will be really lonely for a year or more until it goes away.

But what's scary also is the only person who helped me try to stop drinking has given up and I don't blame her.

Alcohol sucks and just wrecked me again. I was 2 years sober coming from a 9 year binge, then for the last year I have been drinking again.

Looking back on those 2 years I had a lot going on for me. I had a healthy body and I was able to have a loving relationship. I'm not an alcoholic who can be with a girl. The alcohol clashes with my mind and voids out the feeling of love somehow. Then when I wake up I am able to feel love again and have to face the broken glass everywhere so to speak. I'm an arrogant ***** drunk.

I'm so cause up in booze I wanted this relationship to work and keep the booze. Yea I am jealous of men who can somehow do it. But for me that option is off the table. I guess it's a matter of what I wanted more - the beer or the girl. And sadly I'm disgusted with myself for my decision I made with my actions. And I'm also sickened how I keep trying to make myself believe I can be a successful drunk.

Johno1967

This is rock bottom realizing you chose booze over something more important and lost it. Don't despair as you can only climb out of this and you already know a sober way of living is better than an alcoholic one. Remember to do this for yourself and no one else. Your sobriety and the personality changes it brings may not win her back but it will win your self respect back.
There is no such thing as a successful drunk. That's an oxymoron if I ever heard one and anyone else who tells you different is delusional or lying.
I've a personal remedy for loneliness called a Higher Power as I understand it. A good place to start might be to sit in on an AA meeting and see what happens.
Don't drink for the next 24hrs because I've been where you have and faced with this unbearable burden that we have lost the love of another we turn to drink or our mates and get taken out to get drunk and maybe find comfort it the arms of another. Don't do it. Go to a meeting or talk to someone who's idea of handling loss is not to drown your sorrows. If you can get through 24hrs without a drink you can take it one day at a time.
It does get better - I promise.
Take Care

EndGameNYC

It isn't always easy to feel motivated in early sobriety. Some people, like me, needed to be in a controlled environment (detox followed by 28-day rehab) before we could again face the world. Even then, it took months for me to just feel okay, and that was only sometimes.

If you have any hope of repairing your relationship, then the way to do it is to get and stay sober. You're of little use to anyone while drinking. Yeah, you need to do this for yourself. But I needed every scrap of motivation just to get through the first months in sobriety because I was only interested in picking up where I left off as soon as I got back on my feet. At some point, will power and external incentives alone won't save you. By then, if you're working on a program or treatment for recovery, you may just start feeling as though it's worth it for you to stay sober without any external motivation.

The thing to do is to stop, at whatever cost.

jvice09

yea man tell me about it. i was sad for a really long time when i did the same thing. doesnt help with the drinking, trust me. its been a while though and looking back wish i didnt say some of the things i said, but i said them for a reason, i didnt just make it all up cause i was drunk. i would hold things back, hold things back, then poof! get a little booze in me and it all come out. not an excuse for my own communication issues, but try not to be so hard on yourself and get annihilated all the time from it. work on yourself and the ladies will come around. i try to look at it as a learning experience and try to work on myself.

Gravel

I sometimes wondered if these things were in me and I held them back while sober. One thing I learned through this and another relationship is saying anything mean or criticizing can make a women fall out of love in increments and it all builds upon each episode. While sober I told myself to watch my mouth and just have a nice relationship. I did perfect sober. Getting drunk I couldn't.

For the question was these things in me sober? Maybe in a far lesser way but when I quickly thought should I say this or not I chose not to because I was witnessing a loving relationship blossom which made me smile a lot.

My parents - my dad was lippy with mom. I know I picked it up from him. So through life I had to learn on my own how to manage loving a women. Add alcohol and I regress to instinct.

jvice09

i think were all for the most part really nice and good people that just got wrapped up in a substance. i had such a good filter on my mouth when i was sober around her. with that said though, things were eating me up obviously that i didnt seem the need to start a fight over. when i drink though i lose that filter. sometimes i say really nice things to people that i would normally wouldnt say sober, but theres a flip side to that coin. is just saying f-it, im gonna say what i wanted to say earlier this week and blow things out of proportion 10 fold that i should have calmly brought up earlier. learned from it though.

Gravel

Yep spot on. I notice myself saying really nice things sometimes also when I am drunk. My one friend even says I am a happier person drunk although he also says I eventually start to look for trouble.

I'm just going to leave the women alone. If she wants to talk at some point she will say hi or I will never talk to her again. I'm leaving that contact up to her and told her that. She is tired of my bull and feels she has tried and said enough to help me quit.

I guess i got what I wanted - rid of the one person that kept trying to make me stop drinking.

Whiterhino24

I am in the same place. I had a patient wife of 6 years that put up with me and tried to help me. Finally she had enough and filed separation papers and kicked me out of the house. I am now in recovery and working on it myself but it is hard with out the love of my life by my side. I just hope I haven't done enough damage to her that she will never take me back but if she does its going to be a long time and a lot of work but it will be worth it.

Gravel

Good luck my friend.

I just got an email back from my x and she said she is willing to remain friends but she wants the intimacy to stop. She is pissed off. She says she feels like an enabler because she was constantly forgiving me which she says encouraged me to continue drinking. She does have a point.

I don't know if I am ready to stop drinking right now. I'm afraid we may remain split. I'm going to try to stop but I am feeling bull headed which is not a good sign.

ProgressNotPerfection

Gravel, what was it like before when you were drinking?

Gravel

2 years of happiness with her and sobriety. Exchanging gifts on holidays and sending each other cards. Her buying my niece a present on her birthday and never even met her. Lots of chit chat about the days activities. Even surprise gifts with no holidays she gave me.

We was in love. She knew I came from an alcoholic past but never witnessed it. I once told her I was so happy she never knew me as a drunk. She sent me a couple cards telling me I came so far and climbed mountains as I used to keep her posted how many days sober.

Whiterhino24

Thank you. Her and I met in our early 20s and partied together alot for years, then we got married and had a daughter and the partying stopped but my drinking didn't. She would drink with me every night but not nearly as much as I would. Finally she couldn't take me starting to drink in the a.m. on the weekends and try to be a father at the same time. She gave me many chances to get my act together but I always thought as long as I kept saying sorry and I will try harder she would just let me keep doing what I wanted. It wasn't until she filed the papers and sent me an email that it finally hit me what I had put her through all these years. Keep your head up and when you realize what you are putting yourself through and others with the drinking you will want to stop. I never wanted to stop and like someone else here said its like losing a best friend. She filed the papers at the beginning of this sept and I have been sober for 12 days now and I feel good mentally and sad that I hurt her so much.

jvice09

oh boy, if i had a nickle for everytime i thought about that one. i would try so hard to keep her from knowing about my problem, instead of talking it out. woke up, showered, brushed my teeth, mouthwash, cologne, tried to eat a minimum of one meal before i saw her to mask the smell. she ALWAYS knew i had been drinking the night before. it angered me that she knew. so dumb looking back on it. nose of a dog, never seen anything like it. anyways shes happily dating a normie (shes now an alcohol counselor, go figure) and im here single, telling my story on a message board.

Gravel

Yes. I think once you wear down their patients they lose the the love bug and it's toast. They may start to look down on you as a loser of sorts and lose any contact desires.

It seems a tough place to work yourself out of. I could quit drinking today and find another women and start from an even playing field rather than try to rebuild this one and climb out of a pit.

I'm just going to let her go. If she wants to talk to me I'll talk back but other than that I don't think it will ever be what it was and no use trying. I need to retreat and take care of me which she is telling me anyways.

resolute50

Love is just a feeling.
Listen to some words of wisdom.
If you are going to have a relationship,focus on commitment.

Rather than run away.

ProgressNotPerfection

This quote came to mind as I read this thread:

“Sometimes the hardest decision in life is which bridge to cross and which one to burn. But at least in sobriety we can make a conscious choice – our compulsion used to make that decision for us without asking us if it was the right bridge and it always seemed to pick the torch.”