jaynie04

"since I started coming to this forum I started to learn a lot of new phrases".....I learned a lot of new phrases too when I went to rehab. I am 48. My head was spinning with the amount some of these young kids knew about pharmacology. Did it make me any less of an alcoholic? No.

I learned not to compare early on in this game. I might live in a big house behind gates but I am no different than a guy on a park bench drinking out of a bag. I have a lot to lose, and my brains couldn't fight me out of this one. I had two big careers but here I am and this has got me licked.

Maybe some of the posters here see themselves in you. One of the interesting things about alcoholism is that it does become somewhat predictable over time, cyclical I guess. Remorse and guilt, coupled with intent to change our ways, and we decide we are going to quit. Then when we are feeling better we dip our toe into moderation. We have a few successful attempts, and those stand out clearly in our mind, and as the days pass the reasons we started thinking about quitting become dimmer and dimmer. We spend hours examining and comparing in order to convince ourselves that we are different, that we just had a brief period of decadence and that we just need to "drink wiser".

Normal people don't think that way. My husband is a normal drinker. We have been married almost 17 years. Where we go or why we go places has nothing to do with whether alcohol is served. I can see the difference between us....it is glaring. I have probably spent more time thinking about alcohol this week than he has spent thinking about it in his life. It's an addendum to him.

I wish you well as you continue your journey, I think being able to look at your life straight on is a feat, and props to you for the introspection.

john44

Matter to whom? To an alcoholic it would matter a great deal. For myself, it would start a spiral which would undoubtedly lead to hospitalization and another detox.

jkb

Yeah, I must agree on this though... my AV has been chirping away for days saying "just buy grocery store beer(3.2%) its not the same"... however, I fear it may not turn out well in the end.

Jess

Hypocritical

I also don't have cancer but have done my research on cancer. I don't have alzheimers but have done research on alzhimers. I had concerns on both and took action. I lso have concerns on my alcohol use so as before....I did and am doing my research. Again....I'm sorry I'm not experiencing all of the negative aspects of alcoholisim that you desire me to. BTW....I'm not giving up on sobriety. I had one event over the past 14 days in my first attempt in 30+ years of drinking EVERY DAY. I guess I'll pat myself on the back.

Dono

john44

Think of it this way; would you slam down 4-5 shots of 80 proof (40%) vodka? Pretty much the same thing as 6 12 oz. 3.2% beers.

jkb

Thanks for the reminder John44. Sometimes I read stuff and it just gets in my head. I still have dreams of moderation....6 months sober and all. I still think maybe I can just nurse a few beers and no big deal.

Deep down I know it is not true.

roomsforall

Hypocritical, I think you are missing the point. No one is trying to say that you should feel horrible. I think that people are taking issue with your reasoning.

Do you want to be congratulated for not being an alcoholic? Do you want to be congratulated for abstaining for two weeks after drinking every day for 30 years? It seems like you want it both ways.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I am saying this because I *wish* that someone in my life would have pointed out to me that I couldn't be both an alcoholic who wants to reform and someone who doesn't have a problem. I wanted to use both of these roles whenever it suited me. I never felt like I was lying to myself or being manipulative, but I really was.

jaynie04

Jkb and john, I laughed the other day when I realized i was among the world's greatest "attempted" moderators. If they had an Olympic team they could pull straight from this forum.

I tried only drinking on Tuesdays while wearing a red, white and blue speedo swinging upside down from a trapeze......what haven't we tried....

Hypocritical

.......and hopefully some day in the near future I'll be as cool as successful as you and I can belittle the little guy. Why should I even try when I have you and all your success as an example? I just need to do what you do because if it worked for you it has to work for me. And to think AA needed ALL of those pages in the big book.

Dono

jkb

Hypo-
I think Jaynie really was talking about our prior attempts at moderation. Your thread just really hit home to me because I have considered trying "low alcohol beer".... but, I did say I was happy for you a few pages back. So did others. It is definitely better to NOT be alcoholic....

Jess

Susan2984

I don't think anyone is trying to belittle. All attempts at quitting drinking are different, all motivations are different, and all experiences are as well. I can easily have one or two drinks without wanting more. This makes me feel secure that I am not actively alcoholic. Then there are days like today, when I know I will go home after what is turning out to be a very busy stressful day at work, and want to have a glass of wine to relax. The fact that I'm even thinking about it makes me glad I'm here and that I'm being honest with myself. I need to continue to prove to myself that just because it's habit doesn't mean I have to give in and do it all the time because it's not healthy. We all have to prove different things to ourselves in different ways, we just need to be honest with ourselves while we do it. Can I honestly have two drinks without wanting more? Yes I can, easily. Can I spend a whole evening alone watching movies and staying up late without wanting to at least sip some wine? Not yet, as that type of setting is a trigger for wine. One step at a time. I do think drinking daily for 30 years and then going almost 2 full weeks without a drink is commendable and shows a great deal of strength however.

jkb

This reminds me of MM. You might really benefit from it. Have you tried it?

jaynie04

What part of my post had anything to do with you? I wished you well on your journey.

Do I recognize parts of myself in your posts, absolutely. And if I offended you in any way I apologize. You seem to be grappling with whether or not you having a drinking problem. I do. I wouldn't wish a low bottom on anyone, and that person could very well be me any day. The only difference between me and someone with 30 years of sobriety is one drink.

It is not uncommon for someone to come in and be very unhappy and then start to negotiate, justify and waffle. This is a recovery forum. I just was on a thread where someone was talking about being on a ventilator, on another thread someone was talking about a woman my age in a lockdown psyche ward. This is real, and it is gritty....and sadly only one in ten people make it.

None of us here are accountable to each other unless we want to be, we could disappear. You didn't have to post that you had 6 beers, but you did, and good for you. This discussion is one that is very central here...and I have stated before, I don't know at what minute, of what hour of what day...I crossed a line, I cannot drink like a normal person. I am an alcoholic. We are all the captains of our own ship, we don't need permission to drink.

However, when we come here and share it opens up a discussion. When I read this thread from beginning to end I feel upset. Alcoholism is more than lifting a bottle to your mouth, it is the mental gyrations that go on behind the scenes that are so crushing. I identify, it scares me how much I identify...because I would love to believe that I can drink again, I haven't lost everything, no $ problems, no problems with the law.....but for me, that is all up for grabs if I pick up. When I see myself in others I speak up, if that makes you uncomfortable I am sorry.

jkb

it scares me how much I identify...because I would love to believe that I can drink again- Quote Jaynie04

+1

Susan2984

Mm?

Hypocritical

Really? I believe your math is a bit off.

Hypocritical

My apologies. I've been using the wrong terminology. I guess what I really mean to say is "I am not actively alcoholic". Better?

Dono

dwtbd

there is actually more alcohol in the amount of beer by volume. But I think you meant that spending a few hours consuming the beer would be normal. And I would agree. But is having a conversation about whether or not this is relevant, 'normal'?
Maybe your research is done?

jkb

@Susan- Moderation management. It teaches well...moderation, lol.

Jess

Jsober

Good luck with your new drinking plan. I hope this post doesn't give some new comers any ideas. It is pretty easy for an alcoholic to believe in this thinking. I know I fell into the trap many times.
As for only having six beers. That is an unhealthy amount according to daily recommendations. Thats a lot in the eyes of a normie who will drink 1-3. It's not much to most alcoholics but it is enough to get in your head.
If you decide to go for abstinance and need help with that please let us know. But I hope you're not going to continue to post on how gear your drinking experiences are going. Sorry, I just think that is dangerous and irresponsible on these forums. And if they are going great there is no need to be in these forums anyway.