bigsombrero

Good morning everyone!

I was a heavy, heavy drinker from ages 18-37 and it really shaped my personality. Alcohol turned me from an introverted and shy teen into an outgoing people-person who was very social. It not only changed my attitude, it changed the way I thought of myself. For the past 20 years I have lived as "that guy", and most people who know me also see me as an extrovert.

Now, 15 months into sobriety I've had to rediscover my "real self", and it's been tough re-establishing an identity. The work of quitting, avoiding triggers, and learning how to deal with my alcoholism took up a lot of time in my first year, but now I'm moving past that into unknown territory.

Does anyone have some encouraging words, or has anyone been through a similar experience? Sobriety has presented some wonderful awards, but the last few months have been pretty tough on me, mentally speaking. Asking myself the question "who am I?" is a pretty scary thing sometimes.

Thanks!

sugarbear1

2 years and 4 months and I am still learning who I am. I'm 52 now. My brain thinks it's about 20......

caboblanco

I was an introvert even in my active alcoholism. A few random times my personality changed if I was really sloshed. I found that people don't take to kindly to introverts that suddenly become extroverts. They want you to be the way you always are. So you went from an extrovert to an introvert and people probably think. Whats the deal with this guy? i don't worry about trying to be myself. Whoever I am at that moment is myself. It can't be anybody else.

Jeni26

I can relate. I think my true personality, the real me has been lost over the years i drank. I'm only just re-discovering her now. Not only that, once found, I've got to learn how to accept her for who she really is.

I was a shy introverted child, a socially awkward teenager and then....wham I discovered alcohol. A mask that I could wear to hide from the world. I became sociable, fun, and I gained in confidence. I had friends, I could talk to the opposite sex. It worked a treat....until it stopped working of course and I slipped slowly into alcoholism. The anxiety and depression escalated and I spiralled, as we all do.

The first year of sobriety for me was all about quitting the drink. I gave up smoking. I started to eat better and began exercising. I was determined and worked hard at it.

Old anxieties and insecurities re-surfaced. I remembered why I drank in the first place. There was a ton of unresolved issues from my childhood that I couldn't hide from any more.

I'm almost 16 months sober now. I no longer have any cravings or desire to drink. I've been having intensive therapy for the past 8 months which is hard work. Harder than stopping drinking in the first place. I've taken up meditation. I've got to face my fears head on now rather than numbing it or hiding behind the battle to stay sober.

Yes, it's been hard, but I'm having glimpses now of the sort of life I want to live. Spells of such happiness that I know I've never felt before, not ever. And the best thing is that I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I never was that loud extrovert. I'm kind of quiet and a bit of a loner...and it's ok. That's just who I am.

I'm kind of enjoying this journey now. At last.

Boleo

It's been a long time since I have tried to work an "End Of Drinking" program. Now I am working an "End Of Suffering" program. The more spiritual tools I use in my life, the less things (anything) disturb me. The less things disturb me, the less I feel like I am suffering.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional".
(author unknown)

bigsombrero

Thanks Jeni, that is really similar to my situation and i gained something from reading your take on the experience.

doggonecarl

Chances are if you were never an alcoholic you might still be asking the question about your "real" self. We change. We change as we age, we change as we meet and adjust to challenges, we change as life changes.

How do we handle it? That's the challenge for the alcoholic. But the search for the real us is an ongoing part of the passage.

FBL

I'm an introvert by nature and I surely used alcohol as a social lubricant. It really became a problem when I couldn't function at all socially without having at least a few beers. That led me down the rabbit hole to drinking alone, which resulted in full-blown alcoholism. Ever since getting sober I've become comfortable in my own skin and that's made it much easier to socialize, but I still truly enjoy my time alone.

Threshold

I haven't found my personality changing, but my behavior has.

I think most of my "who am I" questions these days are more related to my age and the change of identity I experienced when my marriage ended and my kids struck out on their own.

Sobersunshine

bigsombero, I can completely relate to your post. I have just over a year; my birthday is being celebrated this week at my AA home group. I have done the steps and I have a great sponsor, and overall I am a million times happier than when I was drinking. The obsession with alcohol is gone, though I still have thoughts sbout it, which lead to cravings if I don't stop the thoughts. But I am content in the knowledge that I will never drink again.

But, like you, I spend my first year "not drinking," and now I'm really trying to find out who I am and what I'm meant to be. I feel restless and discontent and I'm not sure why. Most of my weekends lately have been spent just hanging around the house, which for a while was ok because I was "not drinking," but now I'm getting a little bored. I have hobbies and interests and a challenging job, and I exercise, and socialize sometimes, but less so than when I was drinking.

I still don't really know how to deal with normal feelings of sadness and frustration without a drink.

I am trying to set new goals for myself for year 2.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to be sober, but I identify with your post. What do people do between year 1 and 2?

zjw

I was an introvert and still am. My story is simlier to yours first year was just trying to be sober and startingt o figure out who the heck i am. second year was a LOT of who am i? and a lot of people didnt like me and well still dont like me. all the sudden i was no longer the same person and it really caught a lot of folks off guard. I lost all my friends not many only 2. I also started to enjoy certain things. I took my kids roller skating even busted out of my shell and got a pair of skates and skated with my daughter and i fell on my butt! it was really fun! the whole time i thought I never would have dont his back when i drank my wife even said the same. Its true i would have sat there like a bump on a log eager to get home to my beer.

I did some thinking and thought welp if you take the years I drank and factor the years I lived in fear of my step father well that only leaves the ages of 5 and younger of who I really was and I dont really know whot hat was and I"m not sure it matters. I noticed some bits and pieces of who I was at say 12 and at 18 started to shine through bits and pieces that where either beaten into submission by my step father or washed away by booze. They started to shine through and I got scared at first but then I started to let it go and enjoy the ride it got better too But my life did undergo a lot of restructureing that second year.

bigsombrero

Exactly. I'm good at "not drinking" now. Not that I will ever minimize that part of my recovery. But I feel good about that part.

Entering month 15, I've finally been able to look up and see what's in front of me. And there's no roadmap. No guide book. I'm feeling hesitant. Which way do I go? I've lost that confident swagger. I'm having trouble prioritizing things. Is it important for me to feel comfortable? Or to feel challenged?

I am not sure if anyone can answer that for me, I think I have to figure it out for myself. I just need to get my confidence back.

mecanix

Now that you've found sobriety what are you going to do with it ?

I'm not sure that asking oneself , who am i , is a question that will lead to any kind of enlightenment because we are alive and changing all the time depending on curcumstance . Is self definition, if such a thing were possible objectively, useful to living ? ..

For me the question is what do i want ?

Bestwishes, m

zjw

I get that should i be challenged should I be comfortable? For me its about minimizing the problems / stressers in my life for comfort. I realize I can only handle so much I'm tired of being challenged I think the only reason I enjoyed being challenged before was because I could come home and numb the wounds with some beer. Now I cant do that and I also see little point with certain challenges that lack reward etc.. I need more balance these days. A little challenge within my abilities is ok but there is nothing wrong with taking it slow and steady either. I try and only take on what I can handle and I try and leave a little room becuase I now things will always be more difficult then I anticipated.

MattyBoy

In sobriety I've had to just accept that I'm a naturally quite introverted guy. I'm very confident in myself and my capabilities but its a quiet confidence. I've learnt to accept that without alcohol I won't be the loud, entertainer, making -everyone -laugh -at -all times guy when sober but that's okay. When I'm with friends I can be funny and amusing nd people like me because I'm just an easy going friendly guy. I used alcohol because I used to think I was the funniest person in the world but just needed some confidence to show it. I resented people who could effortlessly appear so confident when sober and make everyone laugh with ease as I wanted to be like that! I would listen to other people making jokes to which everyone else would laugh and think 'my jokes are way funnier than that!' but I just didn't have the confidence in myself to say them without alcohol.

The thing I hate the most about alcohol that I've learnt in sobriety is that it completely tricked me in to thinking I needed it to be funny and good company. I don't and its taken me five years and a lot of heart ache and pain to realise that. It's like when we were kids we would just run around and make a lot of noise and have loads of fun without a care in the world but when alcohol is introduced into our lives we start to use it to behave like children again - free and without inhibition. I've learnt now to dance without being drunk and enjoy it and to let myself go without poisoning myself. Such a revelation....

Arbor

A huge reason why I used booze as well. Shyness. Always have been. Booze was a cure for that part of my personality that I used to loathe. But over the years it definitely took its toll on my mind and I knew I had to make a change.

Hopscotch

While this has nothing to do with alcoholism, this book helped me accept and love myself as an introvert. Its who I am, and I wouldn't change it for anything!

Quiet the Power of Introverts in a World That Can't StopTalking - Susan Cain.

afloatsober

I'm nearly six months but some good old alcoholic projection started me thinking today.....
Kinda saw the first year as a gladed path with little ribboned posts at 1 month,3 months, six months, 9 months a year.... Pick up a reward and move on. LOL
Then all of a sudden the path hits a gate.
I open it and am faced with a desert with my demons lined up and ready for a fight.!!!
And me naked and nothing with which to fight back...
No more milestones, and little wandering about like a lost soul.
Tell me you lot are gonna be about!!!!!
Crazy innit.
G

ADS20012012

Great post!

I can relate in alot of ways. Heavy drinker, life of the party and all that good stuff. I have 2 years 8 months and I'm still finding/figuring out who I am.

Amajorityofone

I am entering my 14th consecutive month of 100% sobriety.

I don't think in terms of redefining. These days my thought processes are aligned more towards continued self improvement. It feels more natural to spend my spare time exercising, cooking, reading a book, working on my house, riding my motorcycle, planning a trip, or enjoying quality time with family. Going out to a bar or associating with people that do simply doesn't interest me anymore. As wastes of time go, I can think of a thousand other things I'd rather do.

I have found that life is a lot like the seasons in that i was born in spring, i partied during the summer and now I am educating and nurturing myself and my family in the fall. I enjoyed the summer season of my life but I have no desire to relive it.

Hope this helps