What would you do?
 

I don't know if any of you remember but one of my last posts was regarding my husband setting up a couples therapy. I thought it was the next Tues after the convo 2 weeks ago I was informed its on our 20th wedding anniversary.

That's this Tuesday the 24th. This is not what I had in mind. What is your opinion on this. My first instinct was to pack it up and leave. I need to know real thoughts. I'm not sure what to do. :(

BTW he didn't ask me, just sprang it on me.

Funny thing about us men, we seem to get into a lot of trouble for making decisions with appalling timing and without proper consultation with our wives but with the best of intentions at heart. Then it all backfires!
I have to remind myself even now about the pit falls of self will.
I barely know the background but sounds like he's taken the initiative.
If you were my wife I would be really appreciative if you came up, asked me to listen and not say anything until you were done talking and told me exactly how you felt.
Wish my wife would do that some times.

I am sorry if this is the wrong thing to say, as I can't know your context, but: There is a hopeful way to look at this. On the 20th anniversary of your marriage the two of you will be talking about and working on your marriage. If you look at it that way, it's not a terrible way to spend an anniversary, by attending to your marriage.

This weekend is my wife's birthday. She asked me long ago to set it aside because she was going to take off from work. I'm a musician, and a little over a month ago was offered a really good gig for tonight. I was excited when I got the offer, checked my "gig" calender, saw the date was free, and accepted.

Abut a week ago I realized what I did. :gaah

I told her and she was upset. We talked about it. She understood why I took the gig, and I told her I'd make sure I made it up to her somehow. Decided to book a hotel near the gig, and came up with some really fun plans for us to do tomorrow. Got her something she really wanted also (that she doesn't know about yet... :) ). Bottom line is we talked and worked it out, and we're both in great moods right now, getting ready to head out as soon as I finish my breakfast. She gets angry at times, but she doesn't attack me. I do the same with her. I actually learned that from her a long time ago when we first started dating. We were having an argument/fight... and she looked at me twisted and said, "What are you doing?" I didn't understand. And she said, "You're acting as if I'm against you or something. I'm on your side, we're both on the same team here." Those weren't her exact words, but something clicked and I got the realization that yeah, we're in this together, and we need to remember that we're both on each others side. Sad to say, that was a new concept to me.

We men can be jerks, maybe even more often than women. :) I say do your best to communicate and make the best of it. The therapy will help, and get the ball rolling. It won't take up the entire day. You can plan around it. It might actually even be a great idea to bring this matter up while in your first session. Will give the therapist a good idea of the dynamic betweeen the 2 of you.

When he told me of the therapy, he said, "I'd like you to go."

All I said is, "of course."

It didn't occure to me that it's our Anniversary. It is worrying me that the plans for the weekend will be ruined.

We don't argue. I mean no name calling or cruel behavior. We discuss issues. I have absolutely no idea what I will discuss but I think I will feel more comfortable listening.

I'm so sick over this.

If you'd leave over that, therapy is just what you need. So he sprang this on you. He probably should have included you in the planning. But let me ask you, how much of your drinking and chaos did you spring on him without warning?

In any relationship there are things that we don't ask for. I've had my fair share come at me as well. He didn't consult me. That's what bothers me. I wouldn't do that to him.

Basically after time to think and reading here. I'm done putting any more effort into trying to make sense of this. One thing I won't do is forget this choice he made.

Now Im going swimming. Thanks :)

Attitude is everything. I sometimes despair over all these manufactured celebratory events in our lives. Every day above ground is a gift and a celebration, it's the days without fanfare lived well that really matter.

Part of having a better relationship as a couple is learning when to let an unfair pitch go by sometimes without having to take a swing at it.

wait, plans for the weekend, either this one or noext, are ruined by something happening on Tuesday??? that seems a lil selfish and maybe even a lil self pity there to me.

20 years ,That's saying you are doing something right .

RULE-1 don't sweat the small stuff

RULE-2 its all small stuff

Could I suggest anger Mgt class ?, Im not being ugly -I went myself and it H-E-L-P-E-D
A-L-O-T-.

Like another poster said, maybe think of it as a great way to spend your anniversary, working as hard as you can on saving the marriage.. like a new start with professional guidance!

Hi undone, couples therapy to save your marriage on your anniversary. Sounds appropriate to me. Very best wishes.

do we have two willing partners ??
 

sounds like you have some serious problems with your marriage
my wife set us up for counseling once years ago now
yes- without my permission
I went with her
things worked out very well for the two of us
but
it takes two willing partners to make it work

if you care about your marriage why wouldn't you wish to go ??

Mountainman

Very rarely have we celebrated our anniversary on our anniversary date. My wife is a teacher and she's usually busy getting the school year started on the date. Before that it was our kid's social or school schedule that had us celebrating a day or week or two earlier or later than our anniversary date. Our next anniversary will be our 30th. I can tell you right now our big celebration will not be on its date.

We celebrate the occasion, not necessarily on the date of the occasion. Even valentines day.
IMHO, if your really think about it, your husband setting up a session to work on your marriage On your anniversary is a hell of a nice way to celebrate your 20 years. It will be fun to talk about on your 25th!

hey undone,
he asked if you would go, you said of course. he then got the ball rolling by making an actual appointment.
is he mean ,insensitive or odd enough to deliberately make the appointment on your anniversary?
he likely got offered a time slot and grabbed what was available.
telling you he wants couples therapy and asking if you'll go with him and then making the appointment....to me, it sounds like a guy who wants things to work out and is doing what he can to make that happen.
he's putting the effort in.

he didn't do it perfectly.

why is that not okay?

If nothing else, you've got something ready-made to talk about in your first session.