Feel like a fake and self centered.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Richmond,va
Posts: 10
Feel like a fake and self centered.
I haven't had a drop in 3 weeks and I feel so much better. The thing is I keep asking myself was alcohol really the problem? Am I just saying I am an alchy for attention? It hasn't been hard to quit, sure I might look at the isle full of beer and remember the good times but I don't have to fight the urge to buy anything.I told my friend last time I drank that I was an alcoholic and worried about what it has done to me and he told me I am not a real alcoholic. I almost had some guy who was 6'8 knock me out that night because I was berating him. What really got me worried was when I walked by a house today on the way to the store and it was very nice inside, with lots of family portraits on the wall. I thought to myself I never want that life, I couldn't imagine living some super healthy life being obsessed with my health not having a vice and having people who care about me.While I do want to feel energetic and eat right, It just feels so boring not going out and making a scene and being self destructive and having fun. Being homeless for most people should be rock bottom but I loved it, I fit in so much more with those people. I want to travel again after I graduate I just know I will resume drinking again, or worse. I just feel so blah and restless right now. It isn't fair I sunk this low. Why did the good times end this way? I am only just now able to talk to people again, over decade of work overcoming severe avoidance and social anxiety just turned to ****. I need to stop dwelling on he past.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Denial comes in many forms, I know it did for me.
I admitted I was an alcoholic but I was in denial about how bad it was and how much I was losing because of it. I was willing to live with my problem until it was out of control and I was no longer deciding even though I thought I still was, right up to the end.
Acceptance was the key. First I had to accept I was an alcoholic, which I think I did long ago. Then came the hard part, accepting what to do about it.
Accepting that the first drink is what got me drunk. It seems so easy when you say it but not so easy when you need it to function and cope with life.
You can be still be a wondering soul and not drink. I am not one to easily conform. I am not a rebel but I always tip that toe over the line in the sand to see what I can get away with. Drinking is not something I can do that with. I cannot let my toe slide over the line.
Maybe you just need to give it more time to soak in. At three weeks my mind was all over the place. I don't think I had a clear thought but it felt like I did. Our bodies bounce back rather quickly but out minds take much longer.
I admitted I was an alcoholic but I was in denial about how bad it was and how much I was losing because of it. I was willing to live with my problem until it was out of control and I was no longer deciding even though I thought I still was, right up to the end.
Acceptance was the key. First I had to accept I was an alcoholic, which I think I did long ago. Then came the hard part, accepting what to do about it.
Accepting that the first drink is what got me drunk. It seems so easy when you say it but not so easy when you need it to function and cope with life.
You can be still be a wondering soul and not drink. I am not one to easily conform. I am not a rebel but I always tip that toe over the line in the sand to see what I can get away with. Drinking is not something I can do that with. I cannot let my toe slide over the line.
Maybe you just need to give it more time to soak in. At three weeks my mind was all over the place. I don't think I had a clear thought but it felt like I did. Our bodies bounce back rather quickly but out minds take much longer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
I hear a lot of self-pity in your post, as well as your alcoholic voice telling you to drink again.
Please reread the first sentence you wrote in your post like a hundred times. That was your truth. You will be capable of much more in life if you choose not to drink.
Please reread the first sentence you wrote in your post like a hundred times. That was your truth. You will be capable of much more in life if you choose not to drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you really think the good times are over???? self destructive is fun???
having lots of family portraits on the walls makes someone obsessed with a healhty life?? you think because someone lives that way they don't have problems???
im readin a whole lot of insanity. self pity will get ya where it got me: back to the bottle.
if ya want to go back to the lifestyle you existed in, yer free to do it.
or
you can put in some footwork to change you and yer thinkin. then you'll start havin a life and see the fun is just beginning.
I have found a whole lotta people in recovery that I fit in with in AA.
having lots of family portraits on the walls makes someone obsessed with a healhty life?? you think because someone lives that way they don't have problems???
im readin a whole lot of insanity. self pity will get ya where it got me: back to the bottle.
if ya want to go back to the lifestyle you existed in, yer free to do it.
or
you can put in some footwork to change you and yer thinkin. then you'll start havin a life and see the fun is just beginning.
I have found a whole lotta people in recovery that I fit in with in AA.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
if alcohol created problems, don't drink. no more problems. maybe you were just a hard drinker. doesn't mean you need to create more problems for yourself.
give yourself more sober time. if you start to fee irritable, restless and discontent, there may be an alcoholism problem. there is a way out of this, too!
give yourself more sober time. if you start to fee irritable, restless and discontent, there may be an alcoholism problem. there is a way out of this, too!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Sounds to me like you just may be suffering from short term memory loss.
You posted this only 5 days ago. Our illness will do that too. It will help us forget the suffering from even a week ago. But you have a choice. Like Tomsteve said you can either start crawling out of that hole or you will end up being buried in it. And That is just a fact of alcoholism. The ends are always the same Jails, Institutions and death. Even if you don't make it to an institution it will eventually make you crazy.
As far as being a fake. I am sure that anyone who knows you is quite aware that you are an alcoholic and if they aren't it is probably cuz they are an alcoholic themselves. If you are then they would have to look at themselves
Intro
Hi, my name is Megan I am 29 and I am currently a student at VCU. I really never thought it would go this far or be this bad. I started drinking pretty heavily from 07 to 09 when I was in the Navy. When I say heavily I mean I was in the Navy and my shipmates couldn't handle my drinking. I went a good 3 years where I didn't drink to often but got extremely drunk when I did. Then in October of last year I had my first panick attack in over 10 years. Talking to people became a horrifying experience and eye contact was impossible. Then I started to drink waay more often, it wasn't long until I realized that my alcoholisem was actually exasperating my anxiety. I couldn't stop though, I would come home humiliated and exhausted and drink until I passed out. My anxiety became so bad I couldn't even look my friends in the eye without a wave of panick and terror sweeping over me. Fastforward a few months and it was summer I was running out of money and couldn't get a job because I would shake untrollably during an interview. Soooo I became homeless... Met some transient people and found a whole knew extreme in alcoholisem. I was hallucinating and couldn't eat. Luckily I have my G.I bill and I am living on that right now. My last drink was two weeks ago. I feel so much better, no panick attacks, no uncontrollable shaking! But I have reliad on alcohol as a social tool that I feel lost without it. So I came to this sight looking for support.
You posted this only 5 days ago. Our illness will do that too. It will help us forget the suffering from even a week ago. But you have a choice. Like Tomsteve said you can either start crawling out of that hole or you will end up being buried in it. And That is just a fact of alcoholism. The ends are always the same Jails, Institutions and death. Even if you don't make it to an institution it will eventually make you crazy.
As far as being a fake. I am sure that anyone who knows you is quite aware that you are an alcoholic and if they aren't it is probably cuz they are an alcoholic themselves. If you are then they would have to look at themselves
Intro
Hi, my name is Megan I am 29 and I am currently a student at VCU. I really never thought it would go this far or be this bad. I started drinking pretty heavily from 07 to 09 when I was in the Navy. When I say heavily I mean I was in the Navy and my shipmates couldn't handle my drinking. I went a good 3 years where I didn't drink to often but got extremely drunk when I did. Then in October of last year I had my first panick attack in over 10 years. Talking to people became a horrifying experience and eye contact was impossible. Then I started to drink waay more often, it wasn't long until I realized that my alcoholisem was actually exasperating my anxiety. I couldn't stop though, I would come home humiliated and exhausted and drink until I passed out. My anxiety became so bad I couldn't even look my friends in the eye without a wave of panick and terror sweeping over me. Fastforward a few months and it was summer I was running out of money and couldn't get a job because I would shake untrollably during an interview. Soooo I became homeless... Met some transient people and found a whole knew extreme in alcoholisem. I was hallucinating and couldn't eat. Luckily I have my G.I bill and I am living on that right now. My last drink was two weeks ago. I feel so much better, no panick attacks, no uncontrollable shaking! But I have reliad on alcohol as a social tool that I feel lost without it. So I came to this sight looking for support.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi heropon.
I appreciate your comments. My perspective may not be very popular, and I'm not encouraging you to continue destroying your life.
What you wrote is what many people who struggle with alcohol truly think and feel, at least in part. Because we're socialized to work on "building a better life," many of us send out signals that we want to heal, kick the habit and whatever other language we use to convey the impression that we're committed to getting sober, and doing everything in our power to make it so. After all, that's what everyone wants to hear, right?
But that is a simplistic representation of reality. Even the most sincere among us experience tremendous ambivalence when it comes to permanently giving up the drink. Many people have no intention of getting sober, regardless of the consequences, and without caring that they can live differently, even better than they are while drinking. Some people here either don't like or don't trust statistics, but very few people ever achieve long-term sobriety. The data reflect how powerful alcoholism is, to the extent that many die as untreated alcoholics, and many are content continuing their drinking careers, again with no serious attention paid to consequences.
Many people are addicted to what you've written in your comments...the chaos, the insanity, the self-degradation, and all the rest of it. This isn't speculation on my part; it's a clinical reality that I've observed in over two-plus decades, both in my clinical work and in research, as well as in my private life.
Not everyone in detox, rehab, AA, NA and on SR is interested in getting and staying sober; nor are many willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety. I know this is a dismal reality, but it is reality, nonetheless.
I appreciate your comments. My perspective may not be very popular, and I'm not encouraging you to continue destroying your life.
What you wrote is what many people who struggle with alcohol truly think and feel, at least in part. Because we're socialized to work on "building a better life," many of us send out signals that we want to heal, kick the habit and whatever other language we use to convey the impression that we're committed to getting sober, and doing everything in our power to make it so. After all, that's what everyone wants to hear, right?
But that is a simplistic representation of reality. Even the most sincere among us experience tremendous ambivalence when it comes to permanently giving up the drink. Many people have no intention of getting sober, regardless of the consequences, and without caring that they can live differently, even better than they are while drinking. Some people here either don't like or don't trust statistics, but very few people ever achieve long-term sobriety. The data reflect how powerful alcoholism is, to the extent that many die as untreated alcoholics, and many are content continuing their drinking careers, again with no serious attention paid to consequences.
Many people are addicted to what you've written in your comments...the chaos, the insanity, the self-degradation, and all the rest of it. This isn't speculation on my part; it's a clinical reality that I've observed in over two-plus decades, both in my clinical work and in research, as well as in my private life.
Not everyone in detox, rehab, AA, NA and on SR is interested in getting and staying sober; nor are many willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety. I know this is a dismal reality, but it is reality, nonetheless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
I have some thoughts on your comments heropon, but I'm short on timer right now. I do understand your feelings though, especially when you wrote "I never want that life, I couldn't imagine living some super healthy life being obsessed with my health not having a vice and having people who care about me. While I do want to feel energetic and eat right, it just feels so boring not going out and making a scene and being self destructive and having fun".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by FeenixxRising 
I have some thoughts on your comments heropon, but I'm short on timer right now. I do understand your feelings though, especially when you wrote "I never want that life, I couldn't imagine living some super healthy life being obsessed with my health not having a vice and having people who care about me. While I do want to feel energetic and eat right, it just feels so boring not going out and making a scene and being self destructive and having fun".
The doubt is most certainly your addiction. I think everyone gets that. No matter how bad it gets there will always be that little voice that asks 'was it really that bad...?' The answer is always yes, yes it was. Don't argue with yourself, accept it and just move on. Stay sober and see what happens, that's my ploy.
So now, despite a few comments that 'You don't do anything anymore' (I also gave up meat and dairy and sex) I don't feel healthy, or even righteous. And I certainly don't feel normal. Luckily I am still f*cked up enough to avoid feeling that. And I still fit in better with the underdogs. But my intention is to be of use rather than just to give up. I don't want to 'succeed' in life but I don't want to p;ss it away either. It's a nice compromise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Richmond,va
Posts: 10
Let me elaborate some more on my motivations thoughts and feelings. I grew up extremely isolated, I've had points in my life that have stretched for 2 years at some times where I didn't have a single friend, even in my early 20's. Everyone seemed to be having this great and exciting life but me. It always seemed like the people who crashed and burned had the most exciting life of all, and the most entertaining stories, most of all they seemed to be the most liked by their peers. So hear I am feeling like I've never had my fill of a fun and exciting life. That is where the traveling came in. It's hard to explain but traveling with my road dog (not a actual dog but a companion) and my ex I felt a strong spiritual bond and comradery just as strong if not stronger than I was in the Navy. For someone who loves being around people this is like heaven to me.
As for short term memory loss I think that is true. My roommate and ex boyfriend thought I never listened to him but I forgot everything he told me.
I should add being a physics major and bot being the fastest of learners, I have to spend a great deal of time alone studying and sometimes the isolation kills me. This builds up a lot of energy to just go out and light the world on fire when I can.
As for short term memory loss I think that is true. My roommate and ex boyfriend thought I never listened to him but I forgot everything he told me.
I should add being a physics major and bot being the fastest of learners, I have to spend a great deal of time alone studying and sometimes the isolation kills me. This builds up a lot of energy to just go out and light the world on fire when I can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Richmond,va
Posts: 10
I am going to do my best. My withdrawals get really bad where I can't even talk or think straight when I am not drinking. I become 100% dependent on alchy to do even the most basic functions. Well, damn I guess I have to!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Alcohol is a bad solution to the problem posed by our own existance.
Getting sober is by no means a quick fix. Over two years in I am still working out how to live, what to do, and working on accepting myself and not struggling with being "me".
taking on the challenge of living sober is difficult, but is worth it
Getting sober is by no means a quick fix. Over two years in I am still working out how to live, what to do, and working on accepting myself and not struggling with being "me".
taking on the challenge of living sober is difficult, but is worth it
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Alcohol wasn't THE problem for me. It was A problem....and I got into a lot of trouble because of it...but that doesn't, imo, make me an alcoholic. At most, it's indicative of a drinking problem. Alcoholism is, to me, something much more than just a drinking, got in trouble, drank too much issue. Others may not agree - that's ok with me.
Quitting was not something I really wanted to to.....until one day I stopped and never wanted (really) another. I call that God's grace considering all the times I tried to slow down or moderate and couldn't make it more than a couple days. Here again, IMO, not an indicator of having or not having alcoholism.
1. When I started drinking though, I almost always craved more.......and almost always drank more. That's a sign. I'm physically different than most people who drink alcohol.
2. When I'd decide to stop, I couldn't always stay stopped....thus setting the stage for more of what happens in #1 above.
3. When I was "stopped" life didn't take on a new charm.....it "felt" worse. It felt like stress was everywhere. It felt like everyone and almost every thing was a "trigger" to go drink again. And when I wasn't thinking about drinking, I surely didn't relate to sober life well. I hated it. "Maladjusted to sober life," as it's sometimes called. I didn't feel like I had a purpose, didn't trust hardly anyone, hated myself - a feeling that would only seem to get stronger with the passage of time, and I always felt like something was just around the corner that would save the day........only it rarely if ever came.
^^^^^^and that one, that's what I've come to understand alcoholism is..... a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual separation from life - a life it seemed others were able to live just fine given a workout schedule, careful eating, and getting more sleep. In my case, nothing seemed to tough it or dampen those feelings. Had it diagnosed as depression and was offered a bunch of sweet drugs to "help me." I knew it was a band-aid.....covered up symptoms but didn't heal or treat the damage underneath. And yanno........when I was half in the bag......I felt wonderful. No social anxiety to speak of. No issues. Full of courage. I felt happy. When the booze went away, my "cheat-sheet" for getting through life went with it.
Now I know not everyone will identify with my post. Statistics indicate about 10 - 15% will, though. For those folks.....I'm here to tell you....what you've likely got is alcoholism. It can effect you whether you're drinking or not. As a matter of experience, in an un-recovered state, alcoholism seems to have sharper teeth and a nastier bite when you're NOT drinking. I'm also here to tell you that you're in luck because there is a cure, so to speak. It may not go away in every single tiny facet but you can get to a recovered state where all that crap goes dormant.
I'll tell ya, a life like I had early in sobriety: un-recovered and suffering from alcoholism while not drinking is at least as bad as anything I've ever felt. And it didn't just all go away with the passage of time. There was some medicine I had to take....some things I had to do, after which the result was not only no more drinking but no drinking and doing it happily, no drinking and ABLE to life life, no drinking and a new way of seeing myself, you and the rest of the world. Like millions before me, I came out a different person....stripped of most of the crap I used to consider normal and just part of life. I could say, I became the person I always thought I could and should be.
Helluva deal....... and were it not for the drinking problems convincing me to shine a light and see alcoholism - a treatable "disease" - I would have suffered in silence thinking "that's life."
Quitting was not something I really wanted to to.....until one day I stopped and never wanted (really) another. I call that God's grace considering all the times I tried to slow down or moderate and couldn't make it more than a couple days. Here again, IMO, not an indicator of having or not having alcoholism.
1. When I started drinking though, I almost always craved more.......and almost always drank more. That's a sign. I'm physically different than most people who drink alcohol.
2. When I'd decide to stop, I couldn't always stay stopped....thus setting the stage for more of what happens in #1 above.
3. When I was "stopped" life didn't take on a new charm.....it "felt" worse. It felt like stress was everywhere. It felt like everyone and almost every thing was a "trigger" to go drink again. And when I wasn't thinking about drinking, I surely didn't relate to sober life well. I hated it. "Maladjusted to sober life," as it's sometimes called. I didn't feel like I had a purpose, didn't trust hardly anyone, hated myself - a feeling that would only seem to get stronger with the passage of time, and I always felt like something was just around the corner that would save the day........only it rarely if ever came.
^^^^^^and that one, that's what I've come to understand alcoholism is..... a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual separation from life - a life it seemed others were able to live just fine given a workout schedule, careful eating, and getting more sleep. In my case, nothing seemed to tough it or dampen those feelings. Had it diagnosed as depression and was offered a bunch of sweet drugs to "help me." I knew it was a band-aid.....covered up symptoms but didn't heal or treat the damage underneath. And yanno........when I was half in the bag......I felt wonderful. No social anxiety to speak of. No issues. Full of courage. I felt happy. When the booze went away, my "cheat-sheet" for getting through life went with it.
Now I know not everyone will identify with my post. Statistics indicate about 10 - 15% will, though. For those folks.....I'm here to tell you....what you've likely got is alcoholism. It can effect you whether you're drinking or not. As a matter of experience, in an un-recovered state, alcoholism seems to have sharper teeth and a nastier bite when you're NOT drinking. I'm also here to tell you that you're in luck because there is a cure, so to speak. It may not go away in every single tiny facet but you can get to a recovered state where all that crap goes dormant.
I'll tell ya, a life like I had early in sobriety: un-recovered and suffering from alcoholism while not drinking is at least as bad as anything I've ever felt. And it didn't just all go away with the passage of time. There was some medicine I had to take....some things I had to do, after which the result was not only no more drinking but no drinking and doing it happily, no drinking and ABLE to life life, no drinking and a new way of seeing myself, you and the rest of the world. Like millions before me, I came out a different person....stripped of most of the crap I used to consider normal and just part of life. I could say, I became the person I always thought I could and should be.
Helluva deal....... and were it not for the drinking problems convincing me to shine a light and see alcoholism - a treatable "disease" - I would have suffered in silence thinking "that's life."
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