Is this an alcoholic or an alcohol abuser?
 

My wife drinks 1 and a half bottles of wine every night.
She has for years.

I started withdrawing form alcohol one month ago. Some slips, but I'm finishing day 10 and feeling very positive.

I've said nothing of my plan to my wife, she obviously noticed my abstinence, but is showing no interest in adjusting her intake.

Should I try to talk to her, is she an alcoholic??

I've ordered the book: Drinking, a love affair. I thought I would leave it out and see if she reads it. I'm hoping it would present a clearer argument than I would.

Or should I leave her alone. An alcoholic cant control their drinking, she does stop at 1 and a half bottles. ????

Any thoughts?

thanks

Don't carry your glad tiding like a club! Your wife will decide what she wants to do in her time. If you stay sober and as with most of us your life improves she may want what you have. If so, she may ask you what you have been doing. I suspect your wife is not a slow witted lady and you leaving a book on the table may insult her intelligence, don't you think?

Early sobriety requires most everything we have to make sure we stay sober, don't try saving others just yet.

Best luck to you,

Jon

First of all - trying to control another person's drinking is setting yourself up for failure big time. You might want to post this again in the F&F forum.

Second; judging someone's alcoholism (even your own) is not simply a matter of quantity. Control and consequences need to be considered. You have no idea how much control she has or has lost. She herself may not even know that.:c024:

Yes she's an alcoholic, but I'd worry about you getting sober first. On my 10th day also and I'm not too worried about other people's alcohol or drug problems because I have my own battle. Once your sober for awhile I'd try to help her if you think it's a problem.

You obviously love your wife very much but as others have said, you can only really help you. Focus on yourself and staying sober using all of the methods you can. When she (if she) talks to you about it, then you'll be able to talk to her about your experiences so far.

You'll probably get a great deal from reading the book yourself, so read and leave it at your bedside as you would any other book.

Drinking one and a half bottles a night does indicate that she is an alcoholic (and to my mind questioning the difference between an "alcoholic" and an "alcohol abuser" is just word-play to keep denying the hard truth :) )

Keep up your good work, 10 days is pretty awesome.

That's about 7 servings of alcohol every night so yes I'd qualify her as an alcoholic. 7 is usually a really bad night for me, I'm more like 3-4 regularly, with 4-5 being my typical max in a night and I'm giving it up for good!

Thank-you very much for your input.
Its really appreciated.
I am amazed how intelligent and helpful people are on this website.
I just cancelled the book, and will continue on with my own recovery.

I started a month ago. I find it hard listening to the sound of her glass being refilled every evening, and she likes conversation about the time her words start to slur.

Hopefully a few months and she will get on board.

I've been drinking like her for years, and I know I am NOT the one to criticize!

But I know that we need to move towards and alcohol free lifestyle if we are going to have healthy futures. :thanks

I am going through the exact same issue. I am 53 days sober after 25 years of daily drinking. The last 19 years drinking with my wife.

She still drinks daily and gets drunk several nights a week. I try not to judge her but it is tough. Part of me is jealous that she is still "having fun" but I know that it's not worth it - I want and need sobriety.

My sobriety and her drinking is causing friction in our marriage. Guess I will see how it plays out.

Doniker, congratulations on 53 days, well done!
I'm sorry to hear your wife hasn't started the process of self examination.
My wifes mother is a fierce advocate of the virtue of wine. So I'm a little worried.

Its nice to hear I have company. Looking at the section on friends and families of alcoholics, it seems exclusively the wives having problems with husbands drinking, rather than the other way around!

I would call a bottle and a half a bit over normal consumption .

I would have drunk 1 to two bottles of wine each night and I am an alcoholic . I have been sober 19 days now. wr I hope you can support her if she tries to give up. my t total h couldnt

That's a lot of wine for one night for one person to drink.


I'd suggest you just work on your own recovery and let her see the results of your sober 'makeover'. :)

I found myself drinking a bottle of wine a night... then 2... then jager... then crown... then wine again (to prove I wasn't an acoholi) then beer... which lead to cases and pitchers of beer mixed with shots of jager. Needless to say, I am 14 months sober now... my recovery comes before anyone elses, because if I am not sober I cannot begin to help others let alone myself.

Hi w2r, good job on your sober days. Personally, I don't think 1 and 1/2 bottles is stopping when they want to. Maybe she will see how much improved your life is. I would let her come to it for herself. Keep going. You are doing great.

w2r, maybe you could talk to her about how difficult it is for you and your struggle , it might give a greater common understanding. She may come along with you she may not!
I hope she does and I'm glad for your decision good luck.
John.

The whiskey days , those were near the end and those days SUCKED .

w2r,

BTW, I dated many women over my last 14 years of abstinence and what I refer to as sobriety. (Sober to me is staying "right sized" in my outlook on life and continuing to chase humility and a quality life). That aside I wanted to let you know that with very few exceptions these women drank, some wine, some beer and several hard alcohol.

Last year I married one of them, (wife #3) so obviously alcohol isn't my only challenge, but wife #3 drinks wine in respectable quantities at times. I learned over these years that I should give these ladies the latitude in our relationship to conduct their alcohol intake as they see fit and I continue to work on my issues.

One tip that I have used a couple of times when the new wife seems to be imbibing what I think is perhaps a wee too much. I HAVE COMMENTED ON THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES IN WINE. This seems to cause her to moderate!

Just me experience.

Jon

As a woman, this made me cringe. It just seems so condescending. Please don't comment on the calories. Be direct, or don't bother.

I agree with the folks who said work on your own sobriety first. Lead by example. It is powerful.

I'm married to the same cool man for 25 years. He'll have 8 years sobriety in early December. He is an active member of AA. Myself? Never thought I was an alcoholic, and I drank 2 bottles of wine as an everyday thing for a very long time. I knew I had a "problem". Tried to moderate in a dozen different ways, all failed. My hubby did not leave out books for me to read. We had lots & lots of conversations about things happening to him, and I was thrilled! After all, he had the problem, not I. It wasn't till last November that I had 'something occur that shocked the shite out of me! Words out of my mouth to my husband, while on our way to walk into a supermarket to buy wine, that I wouldn't go into Rehab till I went to de-tox first. Where the hell did that come from?? NOBODY was more shocked than ME. I am one grateful alcoholic, a day at a time. Bobbi

To any woman I may have offended please accept my apology.