Raw
 

I am over 40 days alcohol free. The cravings are almost gone but in the last two weeks my mind is reeling about the past mistakes I have made since I was 18 and have been on the verge of crying.

Recovery from my alcoholism was in order once I realized not drinking didn't solve my problems, just some of them. There's more out there if you're willing to seek it out and work for it. Don't settle for second-rate sobriety.

You're waking up. There will be a lot of feelings to sort through. To the newly sober, it's kinda like a surgery without anesthesia!! I hope you have some experienced help navigating through this time.

It will get better. Great job on 40 days!!!

I hear you ladybug, I remember reading here somewhere that real recovery happens after the withdrawal. I have to keep reminding myself that I cant focus on what is passed, over that I have no control. Try focusing on what you can control, now, and be kind to yourself, it's not always easy but you can do it. (hug) Maybe speaking to someone face to face might help?

And congrats on 40 days, that's fantastic.

I was 35 before I found a path to lasting sobriety. I also felt the guilt and shame that you are experiencing. Fortunately for me the program of recovery that I work addresses that guilt and shame and gives us a solution to it other than going back out and drinking. I have learned over the past 12 years that we all make mistakes in life but the key is to learn from it and keep moving forward. If you have any interest in trying the program of recovery that has worked in dealing with my guilt and shame it is AA and the 12 Steps. I wish you the best and do hope you find a solution to your pain.

That's great advice. I remember my sponsor telling me that. "Don't settle for second best." And he was right, there really is something much better out there.

The only real mistake is thinking you aren't allowed to make any.

The real recovery does happen after withdrawal/detox. That's the easy part.

Keep in mind that if you never touched a drop of alcohol in your entire life, you would still have made mistakes, had regrets and missed opportunities. It's life. I have known people who don't have substance abuse problems and they have made glorious disasters out of their lives.

Since I'm finally learning to give up control over the past (how dare you say I can't control the past- gasp), whenever I'm faced with an ugly memory or am reminded of an enormous mistake I have made from back in the day, I congratulate myself for being human and making a fantastic mess of things. Sounds stupid, but it allows me to forgive myself and it's better than yelling at myself. And if I really did ruin everything, I can take credit for at least creating something, even if that something is a steaming pile of dog poop. :)

Congrats on 40 days, keep fighting.

Thank you all! I keep telling myself that I can't change the past ... Even said it out loud to help quiet my mind. I think I was drinking to numb my mind which in turn caused more stupid decisions.... What a vicious cycle!

I was doing the same thing and couldn't agree more. I felt so guilty last night because of past stuff, but the past is the past. I drank to get rid of withdrawal, but to also numb certain emotions that I'm now dealing with it.

Your lucky to be 40 days sober, I'm almost at 10!

Good job Boston!

When we stop drinking there is both good news and bad news;

Good news - we get our emotions back.

Bad news - we get our emotions back.

Recovery involves learning to deal with those emotions without our favorite pacifiers; alcohol & drugs.:react

Couldn't agree more, can't hide in a bottle or beer can anymore.

I remember being flooded with emotions and my mind going 100mph around that time frame. It was like getting hit with a shot of adrenaline when in a dead sleep. It was incredibly overwhelming but this heightened state and more awake and sharp mind was actually rather beneficial rather then being drug down and drunk. Being more alive alert and awake and sharp allowed me to better handle things. But yes it was pretty spooky for a bit there. You'll probably appreciate being more awakened so to speak. Its a good thing just hang in there.

Congratulations for 40 days alcohol free. "the first year sober is physical, the second year is mental, the third year is spiritual and then acceptance is the answer to all our problems today as we recover for the rest of our lives.

People told me when I was drinking, "We can't believe you said that".

Today when I think about what I said, I cant believe I said that or did that.

Welcome to recovery ladybug, you are one of us. :c011:

Its pretty real when you sober up. But it would be worse continuing to create the alcoholic carnage that we do. I maintain that I will now feel my stuff but I cant change a thing - so Im not going to carry the shame, I have enough baggage, I don't need another 10 suitcases. I am a good person who has done terrible things in my addiction - we all do. We have to feel it but not get stuck in it.

Hard to do when you not use to feeling authentically. It floods us like a fire hose on full pressure... it does even out... congratulations... be kind to yourself. That's who you were drinking, not now and not sober:Dance7:

It's crazy that I am thinking of things from when I was 18 years old! I'm 47 for Christ Sake!