jkb

I am at 6 months sober and dealing with what you are talking about... overwhelming guilt over my past actions.

I do not attend a formal recovery program but what has helped me is mindfulness and thought stopping. Retraining my brain is how I think of it.

I think it is just tough at first.... GL-

Jess

LadyBug66

Someone just sent this to me in an e-mail. They have no idea what I'm going thru because I only see them a couple of times a year. "You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one."

Croissant

I think it was around day 40 or a bit before, that I was really emotional, could cry at the drop of a hat....just by thinking about something. I had really vivid dreams of loved ones I'd hurt....it was quite horrific and haunting.

It does pass...and in hindsight was actually cleansing....and felt like the next bridge I was crossing to get me closer the the person I'm meant to be. Hugs sweetie....I really feel for you, those emotions can be really overwhelming.

Congrats on day 40...stick with it, it's worth it.

MTD

I am also having flashback from my sad childhood. I am 49 and I really don't know why this reliving the past has hit at this stage. I have been sober for 6 weeks and just break down and cry at different times. Being sober is wonderful but so hard. Hats of the you and your sobriety.

Doug39

I was a daily drinker for 25 years.

In my early years of drinking I had no emotions; the booze turned me into a real cold emotionless a hole.

Then over the last several years the booze turned my into an emotional nut. I would have so much guilt, sorrow, regret and depression. I wanted to quit drinking for many years but feared changing.

I guess drinking is fun in the early years but once you cross over to dependency it messes up your mind.

At 53 days sober I am now less emotional and my self esteem and confidence has improved. It just takes time.

LadyBug66

Thanks! It's good to know I'm not alone in this and this seems to be a normal step in recovery. I truly could not do this with you all! I've been tempted to take a xanax that my dr prescribed but holding off to see if I can handle this without the medication. I don't think it does much for me anyway.

ViciousCycle714

I agree.......you go through a "what was I thinking" stage......it sucks, I'm feeling it big time now....but i agree with Yankee 73.....what's done is done and while its easy to imagine a perfect life "if only" I had zigged instead of zagged, the reality is life still would have been full of mistakes and wrong turns and regrets...that's part of life....lets try not to beat ourselves up and keep moving forward.

GracieLou

Go ahead and cry. It does not hurt, I promise. I am a sensitive person and I can cry at the drop of a hat, well let me correct that, I used to. As the years have gone by and the alcohol has taken many things away, that was one of them.

I became cold, hard and mean. My family always called me a cry baby when I was little so instead of crying over the hurt, I threw anger at them. It was my defense to crying.

Today I cry when I am hurt. I have to watch myself because my mind can turn hurt into anger and resentment at the drop of a hat too.

I could never deal with the hurt but I am learning to. If I don't that anger and resentment will eat me alive, again.

Yesterday I found an old email from 2004. It was from my mother telling me I was a drunk and that distasteful was not even close to the word she wanted to use. That I was mean and nasty. I was a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde when I drank. That I used booze as my verbal outlet for all the deep seeded emotions I had in me and it was my excuse to let those emotions run free.

To say I was upset after reading it is an understatement.

I don't remember that email and why I kept it? I have no clue. It was a shocking reminder of the way I was in the past and the hurt I have caused. It is one thing to remember but having your past smack you in the face from 2004 was very hard to accept.

The email from your friend hit very close to home. It is the reality of my past but it is just that, the past. "I will not regret the past, nor close the door on it"

I am going to talk with my sponsor about the email and then delete it. It is the past and I must leave it there.

grtgrandpa

I do the same thing and I am almost 82. Welcome to the club.

LadyBug66

Gracie, finding an e-mail like that would have sent me over the edge!

GracieLou

It almost did and I don't mean drinking. Drinking is off the table, but the emotional and mental slide backwards was right there. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.

I wanted to throw away all I have learned, all the growth I have accomplished, all the friends I have made, all the support I have been given, the steps, the promises, my BB, this message board, prayer and God. I want to chuck them all up against a wall and say F' it all.

I figured the best place for me was to go to meeting, get out of my head. That pissed me off too. None of my regular friends were there. The one person that grinds my guts showed up and had to sit right next to me. I was asked to read the 24 hour book, which I was in no mood for. The speaker was a young kid who must have repeated "ya know" 600 times during his lead. I did not win split the pot AND someone was saying The Lord's Prayer out of sync.

Damn did I have a bad day but it was one day. 24 hours. I drank for 26 years, what is one day compared to that.

I am better today. I am not great, but better. I did not drink. I made it though. In some ways I feel it was not only a test but a lesson. I think I was getting cocky and way to sure of myself. I have had no cravings or desire to drink so again my ego took control and I was all that and a bag of chips.

It was a reminder of where was, for sure, but it is also a stone I can now stand on as I continue my journey. I needed to hear it even if it was painful but I can move on now. I can't stay here. I have to let it go and move on.

sugarbear1

Maybe feel those feelings, cry, and let them go?

LadyBug66

Good for you, Gracie! You handled it like a pro! I had to laugh at the"ya know" comment! I will start counting when someone does that and then tell them how many times they said that after they finish talking! I can't hear them talking. .. All I hear is"ya know"! LoL

lommey

in my aa meeting last night I listened to a 67 year old admitting that she had stolen{ 50bob that's about 25p} off her uncle when she was 10