Sobriety and depression?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
Sobriety and depression?
Hi All
This is my first post on this forum, even thought I have been grateful for the advice that I have been reading here for over two years, I haven't felt the need to post something until now.
I am approx 16 months sober from alcohol after several attempts at cleaning up over the years ( I am 28 now)... I started my recovery with AA, and I found the meetings, at first, very informative, helpful and having a support group was vital in those first few months. But then, over time, I felt myself distancing from the group, finding the shares and the atmosphere all a little over dramatic...now don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of this group, it really does save lives, but with me I just didn't enjoy the constant labelling and over-identifying with the illness. To anyone who reads this that I may have offended, I sincerely do not mean that!
So I armed myself with some tools that I learned there, the one day at a time philosophy, the concept of a higher power (that came eventually!) and other tools...for which I am grateful for.
Over the first year I managed to get myself back on track, physically, finacially (kinda) and I returned to my old path of being a musician and teaching on the side to keep the bills paid. I even met a girl and tried to build a relationship with her. Essentially things were ALOT better than before...until the last 2 months. Over time I felt my stress levels rise, my father is dying an d I live in a different country from him, and that opened up some serious emotional spaces that I had left unresolved for years.He was basically a dry drunk who was never open to me as a son. After that I was on edge all the time, thinking about death and being generally negative and unable to socialise at all, more into isolating....With my girlfriend, things were ok, not amazing, because the fact was that she didn't want to have sex with me yet and after 4 months of waiting for any sexual intimacy I felt ******* insane because part of me cares for her and accepts her choices ( she had some mental health issues in the past and had social phobia, meaning sex was a non-event in her life for years) and the other part was feeling more and more distant from her because of it. Still now we haven't been intimate still after 5 months and I don't know if the fact that I am frustrated is because I am an alcoholic and an *******, or that I am simply a male and that my thoughts of leaving her because of this are normal. Waiting 5 months for any real intimacy is difficult for anyone, let alone an alcoholic who cannot deal with the word "no"!
On top of that, my finances are ******, and I am deep in debt because I was unemployed for a while when drinking and owe money to people because of that. I live paycheck to paycheck basically.
Anyway, all these things built up over time and at this point I am unsure about how I feel..My thoughts are negative, dark, with cravings for alcohol and chaos and I have no idea if what I am experiencing is because of my life just unfolding as normal and I have no skills to deal with, or I am indeed in a ****** situation.
I am considering visiting a psychiatrist and perhaps using some medication (SSRI) to deal with the low mood and inability to function, and to try and have a clearer head to deal with the situations I am in, because right now I do not know my ass from my elbow, as it were.
Any advice out there?
Peace
Dave
This is my first post on this forum, even thought I have been grateful for the advice that I have been reading here for over two years, I haven't felt the need to post something until now.
I am approx 16 months sober from alcohol after several attempts at cleaning up over the years ( I am 28 now)... I started my recovery with AA, and I found the meetings, at first, very informative, helpful and having a support group was vital in those first few months. But then, over time, I felt myself distancing from the group, finding the shares and the atmosphere all a little over dramatic...now don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of this group, it really does save lives, but with me I just didn't enjoy the constant labelling and over-identifying with the illness. To anyone who reads this that I may have offended, I sincerely do not mean that!
So I armed myself with some tools that I learned there, the one day at a time philosophy, the concept of a higher power (that came eventually!) and other tools...for which I am grateful for.
Over the first year I managed to get myself back on track, physically, finacially (kinda) and I returned to my old path of being a musician and teaching on the side to keep the bills paid. I even met a girl and tried to build a relationship with her. Essentially things were ALOT better than before...until the last 2 months. Over time I felt my stress levels rise, my father is dying an d I live in a different country from him, and that opened up some serious emotional spaces that I had left unresolved for years.He was basically a dry drunk who was never open to me as a son. After that I was on edge all the time, thinking about death and being generally negative and unable to socialise at all, more into isolating....With my girlfriend, things were ok, not amazing, because the fact was that she didn't want to have sex with me yet and after 4 months of waiting for any sexual intimacy I felt ******* insane because part of me cares for her and accepts her choices ( she had some mental health issues in the past and had social phobia, meaning sex was a non-event in her life for years) and the other part was feeling more and more distant from her because of it. Still now we haven't been intimate still after 5 months and I don't know if the fact that I am frustrated is because I am an alcoholic and an *******, or that I am simply a male and that my thoughts of leaving her because of this are normal. Waiting 5 months for any real intimacy is difficult for anyone, let alone an alcoholic who cannot deal with the word "no"!
On top of that, my finances are ******, and I am deep in debt because I was unemployed for a while when drinking and owe money to people because of that. I live paycheck to paycheck basically.
Anyway, all these things built up over time and at this point I am unsure about how I feel..My thoughts are negative, dark, with cravings for alcohol and chaos and I have no idea if what I am experiencing is because of my life just unfolding as normal and I have no skills to deal with, or I am indeed in a ****** situation.
I am considering visiting a psychiatrist and perhaps using some medication (SSRI) to deal with the low mood and inability to function, and to try and have a clearer head to deal with the situations I am in, because right now I do not know my ass from my elbow, as it were.
Any advice out there?
Peace
Dave
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
you will find a lot of help here at SR.I apologize but your post was quite dense to read
but I appreciate your post...one thing that struck me
you have 16 months and that is fantastic...
I hope you work things out...blessings and peace always
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
hiya dave welcome aboard,
sorry to hear you are so low, ive been on anti ds many years now, and yes I drank on them so they didn't work properly, have you been to see your Dr, a good chat about things will make a big difference, get some support?
L x
sorry to hear you are so low, ive been on anti ds many years now, and yes I drank on them so they didn't work properly, have you been to see your Dr, a good chat about things will make a big difference, get some support?
L x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
See a Dr can't harm and should help,
Debts take time and would only get worse if you start drinking again.
When your finding something to excuse your feelings , it's really easy to pick on sexual abstinence, that's not the answer and sex to prove you can would be joyless.
Its your relationship spend time on that rather than dreaming of drinking.
Sounds like you both need to feel special to each other and are both scared to show your hands , go on make both of your lives worth while spend some time on each other and you'll find out. Perhaps she is perhaps she isn't the one for you why don't you just find out!!
Love John.
Debts take time and would only get worse if you start drinking again.
When your finding something to excuse your feelings , it's really easy to pick on sexual abstinence, that's not the answer and sex to prove you can would be joyless.
Its your relationship spend time on that rather than dreaming of drinking.
Sounds like you both need to feel special to each other and are both scared to show your hands , go on make both of your lives worth while spend some time on each other and you'll find out. Perhaps she is perhaps she isn't the one for you why don't you just find out!!
Love John.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I think every time I relapsed I knew it was coming days in advance.
You need to get back to AA (if your burnt out,find a different group if you can). I always am reluctant to go,but once I get there I am usually happy I went. Spend more time here on SR. Get your ducks in a row.
Don't forget just why it is you quit in the first place. Also don't forget how hard it was to quit. Life gets depressing at times whether we are drinking or not. Gettin drunk will do absolutely nothing but make matters worse. Stay sober and this will eventually go away.
Fred
You need to get back to AA (if your burnt out,find a different group if you can). I always am reluctant to go,but once I get there I am usually happy I went. Spend more time here on SR. Get your ducks in a row.
Don't forget just why it is you quit in the first place. Also don't forget how hard it was to quit. Life gets depressing at times whether we are drinking or not. Gettin drunk will do absolutely nothing but make matters worse. Stay sober and this will eventually go away.
Fred
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I JUST (as in 20 minutes ago) was reading a book on relapse and warning signs and your post could have been lifted right out of it (so could many of mine, no finger pointing here)
And you are doing exactly what the book suggests, noticing the signs, reaching out, seeking appropriate ways of addressing it. Kudos!
The first step that helps me when I am in pre relapse thinking is to remind myself that drinking will fix NONE of my issues, which moves me in the direction of finding real answers.
Might not hurt to hit up a dr or therapist. Do you have any AA friends or a sponsor to talk things out with? Hanging around here and participating is a great help to me.
The sex/intimacy issue is a complex one. I've dealt with long periods of time when my BF has gone "no sex" and it's been hard on me, not sexual frustration as much of a feeling of rejection, feeling like I couldn't show my love etc. And he wasn't comfortable talking about it because he felt inadequate for his own reasons. It went on long enough that I was asking myself the same question...can this work out in the long run?
It a situation that has always been an aspect of our relationship and will most likely continue.
16 months is great! I have about the same amount of sobriety.
And you are doing exactly what the book suggests, noticing the signs, reaching out, seeking appropriate ways of addressing it. Kudos!
The first step that helps me when I am in pre relapse thinking is to remind myself that drinking will fix NONE of my issues, which moves me in the direction of finding real answers.
Might not hurt to hit up a dr or therapist. Do you have any AA friends or a sponsor to talk things out with? Hanging around here and participating is a great help to me.
The sex/intimacy issue is a complex one. I've dealt with long periods of time when my BF has gone "no sex" and it's been hard on me, not sexual frustration as much of a feeling of rejection, feeling like I couldn't show my love etc. And he wasn't comfortable talking about it because he felt inadequate for his own reasons. It went on long enough that I was asking myself the same question...can this work out in the long run?
It a situation that has always been an aspect of our relationship and will most likely continue.
16 months is great! I have about the same amount of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to the posting side of SR Dave 
My main concern in your post is the craving for alcohol... everything else you have little control over right? Perhaps concentrate on learning better coping strategies rather than jumping straight down the medication route. It does sound like you have a lot of emotional issues to deal with right now so it is totally normal to feel the way you do, it doesn't mean something is drastically wrong. Maybe stepping up the support, like posting here or going back to AA for a bit would help. It sounds like having others around who get what you are going through would really help. I would encourage you to talk to your partner too.
Glad you're here x
My main concern in your post is the craving for alcohol... everything else you have little control over right? Perhaps concentrate on learning better coping strategies rather than jumping straight down the medication route. It does sound like you have a lot of emotional issues to deal with right now so it is totally normal to feel the way you do, it doesn't mean something is drastically wrong. Maybe stepping up the support, like posting here or going back to AA for a bit would help. It sounds like having others around who get what you are going through would really help. I would encourage you to talk to your partner too.
Glad you're here x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4
thank you all for the posts! I wasn't expecting such a respsonse
I have a better grip on it this evening after getting some exercise and seeing that it is normal to feel like one is going insane occasionally! Just have to deal with it. As for the warning signs of relapse, yep they are all there...but less so tonight so thank you all for helping me get through this 24 hours. One day at a time indeed!
I have a better grip on it this evening after getting some exercise and seeing that it is normal to feel like one is going insane occasionally! Just have to deal with it. As for the warning signs of relapse, yep they are all there...but less so tonight so thank you all for helping me get through this 24 hours. One day at a time indeed!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,226
sometimes you have to grin and bear it. I throw my hands in the air in defeat a lot. Its my way of saying Oh well nothing i can do and moving forward with the things I cant tackle.
I sobered up and cleaned a lot of my messes up. I still had a big debt mess. I gave up. I quit paying my debts. It sounds insane but worrying about it was throwing me into the pit and making me even more depressed. THe min i quit paying it I was FREE. 6-8 months later one by one i was able to settle those accounts for a fraction of what i owed. My credit score like my stretch marks and the bags under my eyes (from the years of drinking) are nothing more then reminders of some of my past mistakes war wounds if you will badges of honor I beat all those issues and I'm still here still moving forward. I can look in the mirror see things like that and say welp I wont over eat and i wotn drink like a fish again loook what it did to me.
You cant allow problems to steal your thunder. Sometimes you have to scale things back to a tolerable level in your life. Simplify if you will. Its scary tho for me because I realize now that I cannot tolerate very much or else yes I'll get too stressed depressed anxious etc.. and bad thoughts will start coming in again. That part can be scary but in my case I hope in time I'll be able to take on more and more stuff in life but untill then I try and do the slow and steady approach.
Its also a tough one with you GF you have said too much but it can be a lot of bad stuff her holding out or it could be a lot of good stuff her holding out. I guess it just depends on how much you love her vs just having sex etc.. Granted the 2 go hand in hand. I'll never understand women. I stick it out despite ups and downs with my wife because I love her etc.. Everything has its ups and downs in life nothing is flat and consistent. Sometimes you just gotta ride the ups and downs grin and bear it go with the flow etc.. You can only do what you can do. If you have no options to resolve certain issues then do nothing and try not to let it worry you. Worrying about it doesnt solve anything all it does is drive you nuts.
I sobered up and cleaned a lot of my messes up. I still had a big debt mess. I gave up. I quit paying my debts. It sounds insane but worrying about it was throwing me into the pit and making me even more depressed. THe min i quit paying it I was FREE. 6-8 months later one by one i was able to settle those accounts for a fraction of what i owed. My credit score like my stretch marks and the bags under my eyes (from the years of drinking) are nothing more then reminders of some of my past mistakes war wounds if you will badges of honor I beat all those issues and I'm still here still moving forward. I can look in the mirror see things like that and say welp I wont over eat and i wotn drink like a fish again loook what it did to me.
You cant allow problems to steal your thunder. Sometimes you have to scale things back to a tolerable level in your life. Simplify if you will. Its scary tho for me because I realize now that I cannot tolerate very much or else yes I'll get too stressed depressed anxious etc.. and bad thoughts will start coming in again. That part can be scary but in my case I hope in time I'll be able to take on more and more stuff in life but untill then I try and do the slow and steady approach.
Its also a tough one with you GF you have said too much but it can be a lot of bad stuff her holding out or it could be a lot of good stuff her holding out. I guess it just depends on how much you love her vs just having sex etc.. Granted the 2 go hand in hand. I'll never understand women. I stick it out despite ups and downs with my wife because I love her etc.. Everything has its ups and downs in life nothing is flat and consistent. Sometimes you just gotta ride the ups and downs grin and bear it go with the flow etc.. You can only do what you can do. If you have no options to resolve certain issues then do nothing and try not to let it worry you. Worrying about it doesnt solve anything all it does is drive you nuts.
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