Room1

I could do with some advice if anybody has any. I am working on my own sobriety, it's still early days but for once it is going well, I still have cravings, but no desire to drink, my mind is quite often foggy and my short term memory is shocking to the point of scary at times, but apart from all that I feel good.

My problem lies with my partner who is also an alcoholic, but has no desire to quit, which is fine his choice and all that, however the problem is, like every other month before this, he has ran out of money, or he will do tomorow, he has enough to buy his drink tonight but then thats it. This happens every month and the old me would lend/give him money till he gets paid again. The problem is I don't want to have to keep helping him out, why should I? I have struggled with my alcoholism for years and now that I feel that I might actually be getting there, I feel annoyance that I have to deal with his too.

Like I said, it's his choice if he drinks or not, thats not the issue, the issue is money. At the start of the month I did tell him I can't afford to keep lending/giving him money so he better make his last this month, but I guess it fell on deaf ears as its another week till he gets paid, I think he just assumes I will lend him it. He hasn't got enough petrol to even get him to work and back so I will at least have to give him that, as if he can't get to work then what? You know its just annoying, it feels like he is another one of my kids half the time rather than my partner.

So do I stick to my word and not give him any, which would result in him being forced to go cold turkey on both drink and cigarettes (no idea how he would react to cold turkey, he drinks about 24 units a day) or do what I usually do and lend/give him money? I don't want to be responsible if making him go cold turkey resulted in bad withdrawal, but at the same time I don't want him just to think it is ok for him to spend all his money then assume I will give him more when he runs out.

Arghh I dunno, any advice?

seahorse661

He definitely assumes you will lend the money because that's what you've always done.

I would lend him the money for petrol and maybe 50% of whatever else he asks for. And make it clear it's the last time. And then it HAS to be the last time! If you really don't want to lend any at all, that's fine too. You have to be happy with your boundaries.

I have been in the same situation many times, with ex husband and friends and it made me really resentful. Now, whe people ask something of me I consider whether it will make me resentful and if it will, I normally say no. Resentment is a huge trigger for me to drink.

Well done on your sobriety and keep it up!

Spinach

It's not lending it's giving. You never get it back.
Fantastic for you on your recovery. How would it go if you said no?
Perhaps tapering might work!
I certainly understand your upset.
John.

Music

Most adults are held accountable for their own decisions. It's his decision if he wants to continue to drink, it's also your decision if you want to continue to enable. If the relationship hangs in the balance, there's not much of a relationship to begin with. Set your boundaries and stick with them. The relationship isn't as important as your continued sobriety and that should be your primary consideration here IMO.

flutter

I would NOT continue to enable his drinking.. easier said than done, I know. I personally could not be involved with an active addict/alcoholic in my life, my serenity is far too precious to me.

needing2change

I'd have to agree with most of the others. If you must pay for his petrol, go with him to the gas station and pay for a fill-up. I wouldn't want to see some of the cash going to drink instead. The longer you enable him, the longer it will continue.

gaffo

I hate to see you dragged into this. You should be buying yourself little treats with the money you save by not drinking. Stay strong. I would be tempted to gift him the money one more time and tell him not to pay you back--it will be the last time.