Starflyer

First off, I don't post a whole lot, but I read almost every entry on this forum. I think this is a really great website and resource for alcoholics (heavy drinkers, problematic drinkers, whatever...). Kudos to all of you out there dedicated to this forum to provide encouragement to others - especially you individuals that are 10+ years sober; heck, if I had a whole decade under my belt I wouldn't have the time to hang out, read, and post on a message board dedicated to my "old" life. I would simply look forward in life and let other people find their own way of finding support. That sounds like a terrible thing to admit, I know. But who knows, maybe ten years from now I'll have a vastly different outlook on my life and its purpose *fingers crossed*

Now to the root of my post...

I find myself being more productive while I drink. I think we build everything around the booze. For example, if I have a short paper to write for school I find it much easier to finish if I can sit down at the computer with a drink by my side to nurse. If I did the same paper sober, I'd procrastinate to no end, and even when I do start I wouldn't know what to start typing. My brain is too foggy. Alcohol loosens it up and the next thing I know my thoughts and ideas are just flying out onto the screen. Now apply what I've just told you to pretty much everything (well, not everything). Cleaning my apartment? No biggie as long as I've got a few drinks in me. Washing and folding clothes, again, same principal. Sometimes I can't even bare the thought of picking up my guitar to play while being 100% sober.

As I've been trying to cut back as much as I can on alcohol I feel like "regular" life is getting worse! My assignments either get turned in late or else I'm up until 2am trying to put some intelligent thought into them. My apartment starts to get messy, the dishes never get done. I have a HUGE stack of clothes to be washed, I just can't get around to doing them. I've gotten lazy with shaving my face. I haven't touched my guitar in a good while now. My days have been replaced with naps (I've been experiencing a lot of fatigue due to restless nights) and watching TV. I'm way over-due for a haircut, I look terrible. The fridge is practically empty, I've been meaning to go grocery shopping for a while now.

Why does it seem like life shuts down when I put the bottle down?

I've talked to one other individual about such matters and he recommended that I get on a better sleep schedule (Duh, I would if I could), drinking a lot of water (which is a good idea for anybody wanting to be healthy), and take a everyday Multivitamin. The sleep one I have no control over. Insomnia is a big deal for people coming off of the booze. I have tried taking over the counter sleep-aids, but they have not seemed to work very well - they usually give me the jitters. The water thing is common-sense and understandable. And I have been drinking an enormous amount of water all every day. I recently started doing the multivitamin thing, but I've seen zero change. I still feel like crap most of the day, nap entirely too long and too often, and have a hard time falling asleep at night.

At this point, it feels like things get DONE and projects get ACCOMPLISHED when I'm drinking. That's some hard cheese to swallow.

"His appetite for the stimulus of wine had increased on him, as I had too well foreseen. It was now something more to him than an accessory to social enjoyment: it was an important source of enjoyment in itself. In this time of weakness and depression he would have made it his medicine and support, his comforter, his recreation and his friend." - The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

FeenixxRising

It appears your body & mind need alcohol to function normally; without it, you're unable to function properly. Once you stop drinking, it will take a while to return to normal.

Impurrfect

Starflyer - I understand where you're coming from. My DOC (at first) was opiates, and I did REALLY well at work (I was a nurse...go figure) on them. I was "super nurse" - energetic, feeling optimistic, etc.

Fast forward...the opiates turned on me. I ruined a nursing career because of them.

Though I see how you think the alcohol makes you function better (as opiates did for me...for a while)? It will likely advance to a point where you are barely holding on.

FWIW, I lurked on SR for at least 2 years. First...through my opiate phase. FWIW, I quit them (when I lost my nursing career) and had no problem. Had already been through the alcohol phase and quit that, too...no problem.

Some part of me just wasn't comfortable in my own skin and I hooked up with a crack addict in a 12-step meeting, and though I didn't immediately turn to crack, it did happen. It took me to a bottom I never thought I'd get to.

This is just my experience. For a time, no matter what we are abusing, we have this period when "I'm doing good, I've got it under control...no problem". Thing is, it doesn't last.

We soon need more, more and more of what we're abusing to get the same effects. Seriously, it doesn't matter if it's alcohol, opiates, weed, crack, whatever. By the time we realize we're REALLY in trouble? Most of us have lost jobs, friends, some even spouses and children.

Recovery is NOT easy in the beginning. All we can think about is relief (our DOC {drug of choice, including alcohol}. We are irritable, we long for the numbness and that inspiration/motivation that comes with it.

All I can tell you is my history. Started out with alcohol, as that's what XABF#1 was addicted to (a functioning alcoholic). I drank to keep up or put up with him...for 20+ years. When we were apart, due to my job, I turned to opiates. I felt like superwoman until I started falling apart. As a result? I'm no longer a nurse.

Got into recovery, had a sponsor, working the steps, but wasn't ready. Hooked up with a crack addict. In no time, I was another crack addict...a drug I had (as a nurse) been terrified of.

From what I have experienced...once we pass the line, there is no going back to drinking like a normal person. I have legit reasons to get opiates, but my dr. knows my history and my desire to stay clean, so when I need them, they are few and no refills.
A few years later, hit bottom and found recovery. Had found SR a few years before, kept reading, kept coming back in my lucid moments, finally signed on at 6 months clean.

Bottom line - I thought I was doing a GREAT job when I first started the opiates (and to be honest, I was, as I wasn't getting totally wasted. Later, I was a hot mess, and lost a job after I came in VERY late (I ran out of gas, I ran into barriers in a lane that was closed and got a flat tire, then I fell out of a chair at work).

This was not me...nursing was my life, but addiction had taken over.

Please, think about this. You may be doing "better" because of the alcohol, but I guarantee you, it will turn on you.

Recovery is hard, facing all the feelings you've numbed out, but as a 6+ year recovering addict, there are ups and downs in real life and most people don't turn to alcohol or drugs. Not only that, but when I've gone THROUGH those hard times clean and sober? OMG, what a great feeling.

Addiction is progressive. It only gets worse. It's up to you to determine when enough is enough. I went WAY too far, but I think it makes me more grateful for my recovery.

Keep reading, keep posting - there are SO many of us who know what you are going through.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

foolsgold66

Your brain is foggy without alcohol due to abuse of alcohol. Cutting back won't work, you're probably going thru some detox by doing so.. You need to quit entirely, and stick it out until your body is normal. In the end you will be sharper and look back at your prior tasks and think they are slop.

courage2

Hi Starflyer,
It sounds like you're a student. I made it through a BA, MA, and PhD drinking. Probably never wrote a paper sober. "Accomplished" a lot of things.

Problem?

1) In the end, I not only couldn't work without a drink in my hand, I could barely work at all. Sometimes it took a fresh drink at the end of every sentence I wrote. Alcohol, which seemed to have given me the inspiration to think, left me confused, dim, and incompetent.

2) All those things I'd "accomplished" previously? Yes, I had the degrees. But I remembered nothing I'd learned, I'd cut corners to succeed, I had no sense of personal integrity or value in my accomplishments. It was all done in a brownout, and what I hadn't forgotten I was ashamed of, and what I wasn't ashamed of, I could have done so much better sober.

As for your current "fogginess" -- sounds like you're betwixt and between. When and if you get truly clean and sober, I think you'll find that you're able to do the things you want and need to do!

EndGameNYC

Hey Starflyer.

Many of the things you describe as things you were able to "do better" with a drink were at one time true for me as well. I'm sure other people also identify with this.

For me, there came a time when I could no longer do anything, even take care of my basic needs, while I was drinking. Such an outcome is inevitable when we continue our drinking. No one need go that far into alcoholism in order to get sober or to live a happy and sober life, though many are determined to do so.

I got here a couple of months ago and was immediately taken by SR. I liked all the support people offered, and the misery expressed helped me to remain grateful for what I have. For many of us, helping other people achieve sobriety is a way for us to stay sober and to strengthen our sobriety. People familiar with AA will recognize this dynamic as a cornerstone of AA's program of recovery.

Yet getting sober, in AA or otherwise, is not a means to acquire a lifetime or near-daily seat in meetings, nor to spend most of one's time helping others, though the latter is certainly part of it. Years ago, AA was described as "a bridge back to life." After achieving sobriety, rather than spending ever more time in meetings, most people instead spend quality time with their families, concentrate on doing good work, pursuing their dreams and pretty much getting back to doing things in their lives that they enjoy precisely because they've achieved sobriety. But no one never gets to this wonderful place without putting in the work necessary in order to achieve sobriety. No shortcuts, no magic and no miracles.

I was fortunate to begin working in my field again after a three-year relapse -- something I thought was impossible a couple of years ago -- because I put in the work to get sober. My life has gotten increasingly busy over a relatively short period of time. Being eager to go to work each day adds years to our lives. It's like living in a state of grace.

artsoul

What Feenixx said is true: it takes time for our brains/bodies to fully recover and get back to some kind of "normal." From what I've read, positive changes can still be seen even after a year sober.

The insomnia, lack of motivation, no energy, brain fog etc., are all pretty common in the first days/weeks. I had all those things, too. Once I got through to the other side, though, I felt better than I had in all my years of drinking. As is said around here a lot: it's totally worth it!

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I hope things improve for her soon.

Nevertheless

I don't know how long you drank. But I was an alcoholic for 30+ years. I knew it was going to take some time just to even level out. I knew living without my "old friend" was gonna take some time to adjust to. It has taken me more than a year.
I also was more creative and energetic the first few beers. My problem was there was no such thing as " a few beers". I always had to drink all of em.
People with 10 years sobriety share something huge with people with 30 days sobriety. We are both only 1 drink away from going back to hell.

Hang in there...... Fred

instant

Took me the best part of six months to get my emotions, sleep, energy etc on an even keel. In retrospect I could see that I was addicted even though my physical withdrawal was not severe.

Anyone who is dependant on a drug will need it regularly just to feel normal- when the drug is withdrawn they will feel incomplete, and uncomfortable.

Despite your observations I do not swallow the idea that alcohol is performance enhancing drug.

hypochondriac

Gosh, I can really relate to your post Starflyer. I always told people I functioned better when I was drinking and no one really believed me. It was true though. Part of it is tied in with procrastination. With a drink as a reward you can accomplish anything. Yup, been there. I can have a drink when I wash these dishes/write this essay (okay sentence/paragraph)... since getting sober there are less motivating factors. Chocolate cake doesn't work cos I can take it or leave it. Whereas before I needed my booze.

Another part of it for me is that I couldn't allow myself to not function when I was drinking lest anyone tried to tell me I shouldn't drink no more. I would never let anything come between me and my booze. So I worked hard at functioning. I was never late. I would frequently oversleep for work but I would get a taxi to work, which wasn't cheap. Sober I just sauntered in late safe in the knowledge that I didn't smell of booze. It took me many months in sobriety before I realised I was supposed to function sober too. I thought if I gave up drinking everything else would sort itself out and I wouldn't have to make any effort ever again... I had ascribed magical powers to booze or the lack of same, thinking that this and that would be better if I just quit drinking, whereas really all sobriety did was make me able to tackle problems rather than avoiding them by drinking.

To be honest if I knew that I may not have bothered quitting as I really thought that was the route of all my problems. Turns out I am a little lazy and a procrastinator extraordinaire.

I think I needed that down time too though. I am only now after 18 months sober beginning to pick up in terms of motivation. I think I slumped into a bit of a depression when I quit (my doc said that it is not uncommon for that to happen after overcoming a big hurdle like that) and a big part of it was withdrawals too. I needed a lot of sleep to recover and I needed to give my mind a rest.

The thing is before I was trying to justify my drinking by saying it helped me function but really I was functioning in spite of the booze.

Having been there myself I can guarantee that if you actually stop drinking and start making positive healthy choices then things will get better for you. If I had my time over I would have started eating healthier and exercising regularly too as they made a massive difference to my energy levels.

gaffo

I have learned from vast personal experience that the skills required to get an "A" on a paper written while drunk are useless in real life. In fact, they may actually be harmful. I was a great student, steaming into alcoholic oblivion with a 3.8 GPA. It took me a long time to quit, way after anyone had given me a grade. It took quite a few months to get my "muse" back but it did return. I can write and create things all night long. Alcohol is a lying b*tch, no fooling!

jazzfish

When you are young, you are full of raw talent. At that point, alcohol works more to lower inhibitions, so it is easier to do what you are working on. The filter of alcohol is pretty light. As time goes by, the alcohol filter grows narrower and narrower. I used to be able to crank out 25 page A papers in a single night AND down a bunch of beer. Later in life, I could still crank out a report, but it was general awful - no analysis, no logical structure, grammar errors all over the place - really awful stuff.

Peter Hamill described it as "squeezing my talent out of a toothpaste tube."

As the others have said, it can take time to get back to feeling normal and being productive.

GroundhogDay

"But today, I determined to make an effort to return to my duty. Though I found no pleasure in it, it would be less irksome than idleness--at all events, it would be more profitable. If life promised no enjoyment within my vocation, at least it offered no allurements out of it; and henceforth, I would put my shoulder to the wheel and toil away, like any poor drudge of a cart-horse that was fairly broken in to its labour, and plod through life, not wholly useless if not agreeable, and uncomplaining if not contended with my lot. " --Chapter 13, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

Starflyer

Groundhogday - Easier written than performed, as many of us have come to understand.

tootsl1

Star flyer, similar to yourself and others responding to you,I thought I functioned better on booze. Then I just began to rely on it. Then I no longer wanted to do the work booze was supposed to enable, rather I just wanted to sit with the drink. I also made sure that my life ran smoothly, every appointment attended, birthdays remembered etc. I have now been sober 6 months, and am constantly chasing my tail, regularly have to text friends and family to apologise for forgetting them and am finding far fewer hours in the day than ever when I drank! I am absolutely positive that this has nothing to do with spending so much of my spare time here! 😱

GroundhogDay

Mostly, I was just excited at the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to quote from The Tenant of Wildfell Hall.

davaidavai

Try the Crack Up by Fitzgerald. Toward the end, he couldn't write a word. At my college, not just narcotics, but productivity and substances, were very much in vogue. To say, "I'm an alcoholic" was chic, edgy and adult. There were even some junkies, probably in imitation of William S. Burroughs, or Lou Reed. So many brilliant, impressionable, troubled, troubled young people who I didn't get along with.

Starflyer

Never did get into Fitzgerald. I read The White Heron (?) for a class and didn't care too much for his style.