Crazy but I think I need a relapse...
Crazy but I think I need a relapse...
I'm going back to university at the end of the month and I fear that due to the length of time I've had sober(it will be 5 months at that point) I will think its ok to have a drink and succumb, especially when surrounded by flat mates who will inevitably be drinking that first week back in particular. I'm losing momentum in my sobriety and I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel like I need a relapse. T get drunk and be reminded of how crummy it feels to poison myself so that I can return to university with the horrors of this addiction fresh in my mind.
I've been crying out for a drink all day. My sister is ill in hospital with bipolar type 1 disorder and its disturbed me so much that I feel that if I go back touniversity with her in this state, I'm liable to just saying **** it and having a drink with the rest of my flatmates and I cannot afford to do that again...
I've been trying to rationalise why having a relapse wouldn't be a good idea, but the euphoric recall of how good it once felt for me to be in a drunken haze is not letting go tonight. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that this is the first REAL craving I've had for alcohol in the 4.5 months I've been sober and I just need some support.
I just pray I make it through tonight without pouring that first drink but I'm dangerously close...
I've been crying out for a drink all day. My sister is ill in hospital with bipolar type 1 disorder and its disturbed me so much that I feel that if I go back touniversity with her in this state, I'm liable to just saying **** it and having a drink with the rest of my flatmates and I cannot afford to do that again...
I've been trying to rationalise why having a relapse wouldn't be a good idea, but the euphoric recall of how good it once felt for me to be in a drunken haze is not letting go tonight. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that this is the first REAL craving I've had for alcohol in the 4.5 months I've been sober and I just need some support.
I just pray I make it through tonight without pouring that first drink but I'm dangerously close...
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
Hi mb,
Believe me you really don't want to go back to day 1 again, there are some things we really don't need to do to know its bad, maybe read your earlier posts, see how far you've come.... it is what it is, poison, once its back in your body it will be so hard to break again.
From where I stand, you've done amazingly, don't let it back in again x
Believe me you really don't want to go back to day 1 again, there are some things we really don't need to do to know its bad, maybe read your earlier posts, see how far you've come.... it is what it is, poison, once its back in your body it will be so hard to break again.
From where I stand, you've done amazingly, don't let it back in again x
No. You do NOT need a relapse. You need to step up your recovery plan. Get to a meeting. Call someone who is supportive of your recovery. Posting here is good, but we know all the BS excuses. You do not need a relapse. No one needs a relapse.
Your AV is screaming at you. Are you going go let it win? AGAIN? C'mon Matt! You know that one minute of sobriety is better than all of your time drinking. Stop letting that voice in your head convince you that it was so great, felt so good. Vomiting in someone's bushes? Blacking out and wondering what kind a** you made of yourself? Trying to get through hangovers so bad it felt like your head was exploding? Yeah, that was great. You can win Matt. Keep reaching out for help.
Start, stop, start, stop, start, stop.....
A vicious cycle that never ends. For me
there always was a reason to quit drinking,
to only follow up with another justification
to drink again.
I don't believe I would have ever stayed stop
on my own without family intervening on me
and a court order to have me evaluated and
complete an rehab program for alcoholism.
Someone with experience had to teach me
about my alcoholism and give me the right
tools of a recovery program to live my life
with each day I remained sober.
I realized that I couldn't stay sober on my
own and needed help. I got that help and
support from AA and have lived a life in
recovery for the past 23 yrs and continueing.
The day I let go of my recovery will be the
day I will die. Don't give up before you
experience the miracle in recovery.
A vicious cycle that never ends. For me
there always was a reason to quit drinking,
to only follow up with another justification
to drink again.
I don't believe I would have ever stayed stop
on my own without family intervening on me
and a court order to have me evaluated and
complete an rehab program for alcoholism.
Someone with experience had to teach me
about my alcoholism and give me the right
tools of a recovery program to live my life
with each day I remained sober.
I realized that I couldn't stay sober on my
own and needed help. I got that help and
support from AA and have lived a life in
recovery for the past 23 yrs and continueing.
The day I let go of my recovery will be the
day I will die. Don't give up before you
experience the miracle in recovery.
Thanks for all the replies! Means a lot. I wrote that when my head was spinning after hearing news that my sister isn't doing too well today in hospital. However, as was once explained to me, cravings come in waves and mine was at the peak of the wave when I wrote that post. The wave is now subsiding and I've just had a lovely meal and feel much better.
I can't live with anyone else the arrangements have been made, but these people are really good mates of mine and I know they'll understand my decision to not drink. They don't even drink that much or often any way.
Thanks again for the thoughtful replies
I can't live with anyone else the arrangements have been made, but these people are really good mates of mine and I know they'll understand my decision to not drink. They don't even drink that much or often any way.
Thanks again for the thoughtful replies
Sounds like you've decided.
It'll be difficult to be teetotal and it'll be skilful getting the message over, but I bet it would make you very popular with more people, and far less chance of messing your degree.
Find out if your university has an AA or equivalent and try a newer approach than getting wasted and ending up in a worse place. You came here for a reason.
John.
It'll be difficult to be teetotal and it'll be skilful getting the message over, but I bet it would make you very popular with more people, and far less chance of messing your degree.
Find out if your university has an AA or equivalent and try a newer approach than getting wasted and ending up in a worse place. You came here for a reason.
John.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
I am 49 days sober after drinking nearly everyday for 25 years.
Several years ago I quit for 10 days because I had surgery and was on antibiotics. For those 10 days I constantly craved a drink; but once I finally did get drunk again it was a drag. I was back to the rotten cycle of hangover drunk hangover drunk all over again.
I sometimes fantasize about having a beer or a glass of wine several years in the future; just one drink in a social situation. But then I look at the reality that that is not me - I always drink to self medicate and get plowed.
Several years ago I quit for 10 days because I had surgery and was on antibiotics. For those 10 days I constantly craved a drink; but once I finally did get drunk again it was a drag. I was back to the rotten cycle of hangover drunk hangover drunk all over again.
I sometimes fantasize about having a beer or a glass of wine several years in the future; just one drink in a social situation. But then I look at the reality that that is not me - I always drink to self medicate and get plowed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Dear Matty, you are doing such a beautiful job. Go back and read your old posts. Really think about the last drunken disaster. This is what keeps me sober. Try urge surfing. This is a method for dealing with the cravings. It works for me. Sobriety gets easier and better the longer you do it. The sobriety you have today is not as sweet as the sobriety of one year, two years, etc. It truly gets better. Keep going buddy. You can do this.
I feel like I need a relapse. T get drunk and be reminded of how crummy it feels to poison myself so that I can return to university with the horrors of this addiction fresh in my mind.
We've done all the research we need.
glad you're feeling more secure - hope your sisters doing well
D
What do you do for yourself to relieve stress? I hear you wanting to let go and be free from your fears and stresses. You need to have something else in your life that will be relaxing and affirming besides getting drunk. What are those things for you?
I'm going back to university at the end of the month and I fear that due to the length of time I've had sober(it will be 5 months at that point) I will think its ok to have a drink and succumb, especially when surrounded by flat mates who will inevitably be drinking that first week back in particular. I'm losing momentum in my sobriety and I know this is going to sound crazy but I feel like I need a relapse. T get drunk and be reminded of how crummy it feels to poison myself so that I can return to university with the horrors of this addiction fresh in my mind.
.....
I've been trying to rationalise why having a relapse wouldn't be a good idea, ......I just pray I make it through tonight without pouring that first drink but I'm dangerously close...
.....
I've been trying to rationalise why having a relapse wouldn't be a good idea, ......I just pray I make it through tonight without pouring that first drink but I'm dangerously close...
yeah, that's crazy
if due to the length of time I've had sober(it will be 5 months at that point) I will think its ok to have a drink this were rational, then...uh...no-one would stay sober. i get what you're saying, and i did have that crazy thinking in the past, the "see??!? i made it x,y,z amount of time which proves...which means..."
B.S.
what it means if you drink again is that you didn't stay sober. that you didn't understand or believe or know that the reason you decided to get sober in the first place is because you couldn't have one drink and think no more about it. only an alcoholic would be on a recovery forum and thinking of one drink that they can have in two weeks time. my opinion.
I've been trying to rationalise why having a relapse wouldn't be a good idea,
hm...usually people rationalize why drinking again would be a good idea, not why it wouldn't.
don't fool yourself: 'having a relapse' sounds a whole lot more detached than"i went back to drinking", which is what you'd be doing.
if you don't want to go back there, and want to back that up, put some measures in place that will help with that: posting here like you did is one good step. check out the campus for recovery meetings; there probably are some. connect with someone there who doesn't drink - you might have met some people last year who are not on that drinking circuit. arrive a couple of days late so you avoid the initial drunkfests. enrol in evening team sports so that you have to show up somewhere.
this is in the future.
your craving is right now.
regardless: nobody "needs" a relapse.
you might need better tools to help you cope with whatever is making drinking look good again.
MattyBoy,
I'm so glad that you posted again. Do you know what's helpful sometimes? Go and read the initial post that brought you to this board. That post is usually the most honesty that you'll see from yourself as to why you made the decision. It's the raw truth.
Sometimes those posts are hard to read when your AV is screaming but it's what you need to see.
Again, glad that you made the decision that you did!
I'm so glad that you posted again. Do you know what's helpful sometimes? Go and read the initial post that brought you to this board. That post is usually the most honesty that you'll see from yourself as to why you made the decision. It's the raw truth.
Sometimes those posts are hard to read when your AV is screaming but it's what you need to see.
Again, glad that you made the decision that you did!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 109
Don't drink.
The good news is your body has healed nicely and you feel you could handle a night of drinking which may be true. But that will lead to more drinks because you now think you are normal - that is until your body starts to wear down and you are back in the vomit you left.
That's my story. I tossed 2 years of sobriety down the drain because I missed it and thought I could handle it.
It's okay to avoid poison.
The good news is your body has healed nicely and you feel you could handle a night of drinking which may be true. But that will lead to more drinks because you now think you are normal - that is until your body starts to wear down and you are back in the vomit you left.
That's my story. I tossed 2 years of sobriety down the drain because I missed it and thought I could handle it.
It's okay to avoid poison.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Don't drink.
The good news is your body has healed nicely and you feel you could handle a night of drinking which may be true. But that will lead to more drinks because you now think you are normal - that is until your body starts to wear down and you are back in the vomit you left.
That's my story. I tossed 2 years of sobriety down the drain because I missed it and thought I could handle it.
It's okay to avoid poison.
The good news is your body has healed nicely and you feel you could handle a night of drinking which may be true. But that will lead to more drinks because you now think you are normal - that is until your body starts to wear down and you are back in the vomit you left.
That's my story. I tossed 2 years of sobriety down the drain because I missed it and thought I could handle it.
It's okay to avoid poison.
Never know what will happen. One day at a time.
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