GregMan

After years of reading literature on alcoholism and having participated in AA, I've always been fascinated by the factors involved when a person takes the first step.

The reason I suppose is that when I was 17 and still in high school, I drank alone every night I could get my hands on the drink, listening to music and escaping. I often drank at school as well (I'd hide bottles above the ceiling tiles in the boys bathroom), and seemed to be able to function as normally or better than I would sober. But all the while I fully acknowledged that I was a full blown alcoholic who needed help. At the age of 18 and in my senior year of high school, I wrote a very comprehensive essay on alcoholism. Most of the sources I'd cited were materials that I had already read, out of concern for myself, even at that age.

Acknowledging that everyone is different, what makes it so painfully difficult for people to admit (even perhaps to themselves) that alcohol is totally owning their life?

StevenT

For me it was more smoking pot then drinking, although on several occasions I could be found with a bottle of root beer or a water bottle that had liquor in it. This was in high school as well. For me, the moment I first knew I had an issue was around 15, when my dad died. I first picked up at 11, so the four years previous had alot of pot smoking and a bit of drinking - all of it by myself.

I didn't actually try to do anything about it until 19, after having my life fall apart many times since my dad died. I finally realized that my problem was beyond what I could handle alone and that I not only needed help, but I needed a new way of thinking and living.

GracieLou

I drank for 26 years and I don't think I got a clear look at it until I was sober. I knew I drank a lot but it was progressive.

Most of the people I associated with drank like I did so I never saw it as different and I never saw it as unhealthy. The thought of what I was physically doing to my mind and body never occurred to me. I thought they all were just par for the course. I mean they happened to everyone, right?

Even when I was drinking a 1/2 gallon of whiskey every 2 to 3 days I still did not see that this was a major problem. It was just what I always did. Even the thought that it was so much more than I used to drink did not cross my mind until I was sober.

Once I stopped and got some sober time, then I could see some of it but the longer I am sober the more and more I see. Not just the drinking amounts, that was revealed from the start, but how my mind was affected. Even the first step of AA, that unmanageable part, that came later. I never saw how unmanageable it had really become.

I think for me, and for many, the word unmanageable confused me. I could manage fine. I had a job, I paid my bills, I had a car and make the payments. I shopped and did my laundry. I managed my life just fine but when I look at the definition of unmanageable it takes on a new meaning.

unmanageable - difficult or impossible to control, use, or manipulate

My life was difficult. It was not easy to maintain my secret. I always had to think ahead, plan ahead and hide so I could drink. I had to manipulate bills so I could drink. I had to manipulate people so I could drink. I felt like I was always playing chess. I had to think over every move with that one goal in mind. Time and money to drink. I used to want nothing more than to grab that drink and relax. All that mental energy, it was exhausting being a drunk.

My moment of clarity came much later at 44 years old. I was tired. The old saying, "When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired", that is what came true for me.

TopFlight

Honestly it took me to quit drinking to finally look back and realize how bad my drinking really ways. I can't say when I finally quit that I knew without a doubt that I was an alcoholic. A matter of fact, I stuck onto the idea that it was a fitness thing and that I was preserving my health if I didn't drink, rather than realize that I had a bad problem and it was necessary that I quit.

It's also hard to realize one's own problems when everyone around them tends to be the same way.

Nevertheless

I have to agree with GracieLou somewhat. A lot of what made it seem normal was all my friends were doing it also. But looking back. They also got carried away and did stupid things. But not with the frequency that I did.
Looking back, there are people that seldom drink,that I thought they were somewhat like me,because we got hammered once.
So what makes it so painful to admit?......The illusion. There is an illusion that we are normal. I knew all along I had a problem,but hey. It's not that big A problem right? Everyone else is doing it (when they really aren't)
I didn't realize just how big my problem was till I had been sober a few months. I think it takes that long for the illusion to go away,and the fog to clear,and look back at the bigger picture.

Fred

aasharon90

When I entered rehab school back
in 1990, 23 years ago and was taught
about my addiction to alcohol and how
it affected my body, mind and soul.

28 days in rehab plus a 6 week outpatient
aftercare program and countless days I
spent in AA meetings, listening, learning
and absorbing how to remain sober a day
at a time.

The result of living a program of recovery
each day is happiness, honesty and enjoying
the promises granted to us. What a gift. What
a blessing. What a joy. What a freedom.

Spinach

In my early twenties I knew I had an alcohol problem for years, I could never get to grips and until I found this place I had only ever challenged it never tackled so thirty years of unhealthy behaviour.
For people of any age act now, it can be conquered it just takes awareness and plenty of tools ,many present here and your decision to stop and want to find a better way.
John.

1undone

I'll be real honest here. The first time I knew I had a problem was with the very first time I drank - 16yrs old. I am now 45yrs old and on my third day being sober. Yes I've had long stints over the years of not drinking but I knew I had a serious problem.

With my first drink came total carefree insanity. I will NEVER forget it. I ran around a boyfriens neighborhood laughing and screaming like a lunatic. It was like I had found the magic potion for pure euphoria. I was never the same after this.

Like so many people here I just finally got tired. Tired of resisting it, giving in to it, making a fool of myself, feeling ashamed, sneaking it, lying, getting physically hurt, hurting my family and most of all killing myself.

I have a great deal of shame to overcome. I have had years of therapy, AA, PSYCH HOSPITAL, suicide attempts, and a general disregard for life. I'm now on my way to marriage counseling.

So I admire young kids that recognize the problem and slowly but surely work hard each day from a young age to manage to stay clean.

I grew up with alcoholics so the norm for me was way beyond reality. I learned how to be self distructive at an early age but it wasn't until the alcohol that it became all out war on myself.

Interesting discussion!

Tides

Thank you for posing the question. As a relative newcomer to SR, I find this sort of thing help me understand who I have historically been, what I have experienced, and why I find myself here.

I think I *knew* I had a problem when I was 21, and in the fall term of my senior year in college. I was depressed and fearful of the future. Had a "B" average, but was far from the best and the brightest. The college I attended... alcohol was constantly available. 24/7. Seriously, anyone could walk into any fraternity and pour themselves a beer at any time. I wasn't a 24/7 drinker then, and never evolved into one. But to calm my anxiety, numb (or feed, depending on my mood) my depression, you had better believe that I was drinking every night.

When I *knew*? When I counted at least 49 drinks in a 7-day period. Including a bottle of wine (white zinfandel - ugh) the night before a corporate interview. Wonder why I didn't get the job, lol.

22 years later, and in many weeks, I far eclipsed the 49-drink mark. Working to put that all behind me!

least

I knew I had a serious problem when I started drinking upon awakening to stop the shakes.

TDInstall

Only recently have I been able to handle the thought of this and admit to myself what happened.

I think I was 22. It was whilst living in a flat on a main highstreet with my girlfriend of the time. I started drinking every night then. Never used to before that, but slipped into it then. After that it was 11 years off progressively worse hell, until I made myself stop.

Agony.

dwtbd

I'm pretty sure I always knew my drinking was not exactly 'normal'. For many years and reasons I think I didn't care, or maybe want to care (?). It is really only in the last 47 days that I have really 'cared' about addiction and what I let it do to my life.

Yankee73

I was about 22 years old and had only been drinking for a few months. One morning, I awoke sickeningly hungover after drinking an entire bottle of brandy. I was too sick to even blink. I told myself right then and there that I would never drink again. I absolutely panicked- I couldn't imagine never drinking again, even though I was 50 shades of green with dry heaves. I actually had an anxiety attack thinking about taking my alcohol away. That is when I absolutely knew that I had a problem.

Yet, I continued to drink for the next 18 years. Longest commitment I had to anything. Wish I could've kept a job for that long.

Hypocritical

I know this will sound bad but...I don't have near the problem with my drinking as my family does. I've always considered myself a social drinker but DID drink only on days that end with "Y" and only when I was awake (with the exception of work). Mostly beer and wine; sometimes strong drink. I know it's not good for me and have saved too much and really want to grow old with my wife and fullfill our life plans as well as being obedient to God (note username). I know drinking will somehow hinder that progress so I'm quitting!

Dono

Susan2984

I guess it was just recently. I had been trying to cut down on wine for health reasons/weight and had been doing better at drinking "less", hadn't been binging on a bottle or more on the weekends anymore etc, and then I realized that for about 3 weeks maybe I had had a couple glasses every night instead. It was becoming very much habit. I had had something to drink "most" nights over the last three years but recently it was much more consistent, and it felt "wrong". It had never felt wrong before.

lorelei

when I started finding all the empty bottles.

started planning my life around drink.

sacrificed other people so I could drink.

wanting to end my existence because of the drink.

zjw

the last however many years of my drinking carreer I rather embraced my problem. It was a big joke really. I wore my drinking like a badge of honor it was a very big part of who i was and that was that. I'm not sure I saw it as a "problem" I guess if i had a more clear head I might have. Granted some of the downsides where problems for example a hang over was a problem but my excessive drinking that casued it was not however a problem.

A year after I sobered up I came here. I realized that yeah my drinking was indeed a "problem" I didnt like admitting that. I went to AA a year after I sobered up. I sat there wondering how the heck my life ended up there. Ya know sitting around a table with a bunch of drunks ya know the types the kinds your mother warned you about etc.. Only you where one of them. And spitting it out the first time that HI i'm an alcoholic. Yeah It smacked me pretty hard then and there that yeah I had a problem.

fini

i knew my drinking was different from others' drinking in my early twenties.

but didn't understand i was an alcoholic until three decades later, when i managed to quit.

blackoutgirl

Well, from the age of 18 -21, when I was in the Navy, I thought it was normal to drink and black out. I'm glad I decided not to retire from the military because it probably would have killed me, literally, with alcoholism. There was never a lack of people to drink heavily with. I still to this day cannot think of anyone that I hung out with who drank 'normally'.

When I came home and started going to school, the party didn't stop either. Around the age of 25 is when I realized that I had a problem. As I met more people and hung out with "social" drinkers, I realized that my consumption surpassed all of them combined. I knew that I was different, but was still in denial.

Then the party phase for most everyone ended, except for me, I just kept on going. It wasn't until 2011 that I finally admitted to myself that I was a true 100% alcoholic. I'm now 34 and on day 23 without alcohol...my second honest attempt at sobriety.

I look at it like my life is just beginning again.

hypochondriac

I can't remember if I knew it at the time but I think it was from when I first drank when I was twelve. It was a leaving party for an old family friend, and it really was a party. I sat outside round the bonfire in the garden of this huge house in Liverpool and I was talking to this woman who I knew at the time was talking utter crap and I remember thinking at the time how it was weird that I didn't seem to mind. There was this guy there who was a proper alcoholic and he kept giving me beers and being 12 I didn't need so many to get drunk so I left with a few in my handbag. I hid them under my bed and I remember drinking them in the middle of the day with friends who weren't drinking. Looking back it seems an odd thing to do. After that I always had a secret stash of booze under my bed which I had siphoned from my parent's drinks cabinet. As soon as I was away from the watchful eyes of my parents I drank everyday which lasted til I quit at 31.