Mean Drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Mean Drunk
I've debated writing about this story, but I think I've come to a point where I need some advise. I don't know if I/we're being vindictive, or true to ourselves. Please let me know what you think...
I've written about my husband being ill, but to quickly remind you; Two years ago, my husband had routine gall bladder surgery. Somehow, during the operation, he was infected by a mersa type infection, actually a flesh eating bacteria, that settled in his abdomen, specifically his pancreas. He was hospitalized for nearly eight months, much of it in ICU, and was so near death on several occasions that the Doctors had me gather the family to say goodbye. He lost over a hundred pounds, had to learn to walk again, lost two thirds of his pancreas, but eventually began to recover. For several months after coming home, he still was on TPN, fed by iv through two ports in his arm. He could not eat or drink anything.
Fast forward several months, to the time he was home, out of the hospital bed and wheelchair, but still very frail (normally he is a 260 pound 6'3 Project Manager for as commercial construction company-this illness made him into an old man). One of our first real outings was to the wedding of his best friends daughter. We were seated at a table with my husband's sister and brother-in-law, who I will call "the jerk". Now, up front, this guy is a horses a**. He has made lots and LOTS of money as a commercial plumber, and he sees himself as above everyone and everything, and isn't afraid of saying so. He is also an uneducated oaf (I guess I don't care much for the guy). While my husband was in the hospital, the jerk and his wife, my husband's only sibling, never visited or called, despite living within 30 minutes of the hospital.
At the wedding, the jerk was sitting next to my husband, who was still pretty sick at that point. The jerk was quite drunk. I didn't hear what was said, but I saw that my husband became visibly upset, and the jerk was talking to him, or yelling at him, and gesturing wildly (it was loud at the reception). The jerk then got up, told his wife they were leaving, and stalked out. I went to my husband, who was quite upset. He told me that the jerk had questioned whether or not he was really ill, accused him of trying to avoid working, and was a "weakling" for still being on the medications he was taking. The jerk said that his employees were always trying to "cheat him" by going on disability, and if he were my husband's boss, he would have just fired him.
I know exactly what you are all saying...What a creep, loser, a**hole, etc...That is, of course, what I said too. My husband was more upset than he normally would have been, because he was still so ill. He also was miserable because he had felt so useless while sick, so in a way he thought the things the jerk had said were partly true. I insisted, and he agreed, that until an apology was given, we would not speak to, visit, see or spend holidays with the jerk and I still think we are right.
The issue is that this has caused a huge rift in my husband's family. Christmas eve had always been spent at the jerks house, and none of my family, me, my husband or kids, have gone for the last two years. They host many family functions through the year, and extended family we don't often see comes. My husband's parents are beside themselves because we don't show up when we know that the jerk will be around. We try to get together with them as much as we can but we can't afford the big parties that they throw. The jerk is well aware that an apology would end this, but will not give one. My husband's sister, the jerks wife, just tries to pretend it never happened and keeps issuing invitations. In a way I think maybe we should just forget it too, my husband is well now, thank God, and the jerk was obviously very drunk when this happened. On the other hand, this guy has never had to answer for his boorish behavior, and believes himself to be above apologizing.
Sorry for the long post, but I honestly don't know what to do. I don't care if I never see the guy again, but are we taking the whole thing too far? I did lots of horrible things when I was drunk.
I've written about my husband being ill, but to quickly remind you; Two years ago, my husband had routine gall bladder surgery. Somehow, during the operation, he was infected by a mersa type infection, actually a flesh eating bacteria, that settled in his abdomen, specifically his pancreas. He was hospitalized for nearly eight months, much of it in ICU, and was so near death on several occasions that the Doctors had me gather the family to say goodbye. He lost over a hundred pounds, had to learn to walk again, lost two thirds of his pancreas, but eventually began to recover. For several months after coming home, he still was on TPN, fed by iv through two ports in his arm. He could not eat or drink anything.
Fast forward several months, to the time he was home, out of the hospital bed and wheelchair, but still very frail (normally he is a 260 pound 6'3 Project Manager for as commercial construction company-this illness made him into an old man). One of our first real outings was to the wedding of his best friends daughter. We were seated at a table with my husband's sister and brother-in-law, who I will call "the jerk". Now, up front, this guy is a horses a**. He has made lots and LOTS of money as a commercial plumber, and he sees himself as above everyone and everything, and isn't afraid of saying so. He is also an uneducated oaf (I guess I don't care much for the guy). While my husband was in the hospital, the jerk and his wife, my husband's only sibling, never visited or called, despite living within 30 minutes of the hospital.
At the wedding, the jerk was sitting next to my husband, who was still pretty sick at that point. The jerk was quite drunk. I didn't hear what was said, but I saw that my husband became visibly upset, and the jerk was talking to him, or yelling at him, and gesturing wildly (it was loud at the reception). The jerk then got up, told his wife they were leaving, and stalked out. I went to my husband, who was quite upset. He told me that the jerk had questioned whether or not he was really ill, accused him of trying to avoid working, and was a "weakling" for still being on the medications he was taking. The jerk said that his employees were always trying to "cheat him" by going on disability, and if he were my husband's boss, he would have just fired him.
I know exactly what you are all saying...What a creep, loser, a**hole, etc...That is, of course, what I said too. My husband was more upset than he normally would have been, because he was still so ill. He also was miserable because he had felt so useless while sick, so in a way he thought the things the jerk had said were partly true. I insisted, and he agreed, that until an apology was given, we would not speak to, visit, see or spend holidays with the jerk and I still think we are right.
The issue is that this has caused a huge rift in my husband's family. Christmas eve had always been spent at the jerks house, and none of my family, me, my husband or kids, have gone for the last two years. They host many family functions through the year, and extended family we don't often see comes. My husband's parents are beside themselves because we don't show up when we know that the jerk will be around. We try to get together with them as much as we can but we can't afford the big parties that they throw. The jerk is well aware that an apology would end this, but will not give one. My husband's sister, the jerks wife, just tries to pretend it never happened and keeps issuing invitations. In a way I think maybe we should just forget it too, my husband is well now, thank God, and the jerk was obviously very drunk when this happened. On the other hand, this guy has never had to answer for his boorish behavior, and believes himself to be above apologizing.
Sorry for the long post, but I honestly don't know what to do. I don't care if I never see the guy again, but are we taking the whole thing too far? I did lots of horrible things when I was drunk.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi beach, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. My impression is that life is short. For the sake of the rest of the family. For your husband to visit with his sister and family, I would say give it another chance. You are right. But for the grace of God it could be me. Take care my friend beach.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Long beach - forgive him. You don't have to forget what happened. Give him a wide berth at your family functions. You and your husband need to be free of this. Forgive him so you can move on. My 2 cents...
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I agree with Pinkdog and raider, let bygone be bygone for the sake of the family: life is short.
Also, your husband's sister is probably going through hell being married to that jerk and use denial as a shield.
Should she decide to leave him at some point, it would be nice for her to know that her brother still loves her and will be here for her. She is probably the one getting hurt by your refusal to attend any function they are at, the jerk does not care.
Also, your husband's sister is probably going through hell being married to that jerk and use denial as a shield.
Should she decide to leave him at some point, it would be nice for her to know that her brother still loves her and will be here for her. She is probably the one getting hurt by your refusal to attend any function they are at, the jerk does not care.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Crikey..that's a tough problem. In my mind, the right answer is to be the bigger person but holy hannah, easier said than done right? How do you be in the presence of someone who would likely cause your blood to boil? Hmmm...
Forgiveness in its simplest interpretation is releasing the "debt" (the expectation or insistence of amends or apology)
That is all you need to do. You don't have to like the jerk. But I do think you need to release the debt cuz it's unlikely you will ever get it. As someone else said..give him a wide berth..be civil..but no need for pretense of "warm and fuzzy" : )
Forgiveness in its simplest interpretation is releasing the "debt" (the expectation or insistence of amends or apology)
That is all you need to do. You don't have to like the jerk. But I do think you need to release the debt cuz it's unlikely you will ever get it. As someone else said..give him a wide berth..be civil..but no need for pretense of "warm and fuzzy" : )
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Sounds like the "Jerk" is really a alcoholic who does not see it yet. Give him a few years. He will either get into recovery or die.
In the mean time, you might benefit by visiting the F&F forum here at SR or going to some Al-Anon meetings.
In the mean time, you might benefit by visiting the F&F forum here at SR or going to some Al-Anon meetings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
You guys are right...I'm so glad I've found my SR friends. This is gonna be very, very hard though...
All of my high-Fallutin' talk about forgiveness and serenity goes right out the window when anyone messes with my family, then the Mother Lions claws come out. And I could scratch his beady bloodshot eyes out.
All of my high-Fallutin' talk about forgiveness and serenity goes right out the window when anyone messes with my family, then the Mother Lions claws come out. And I could scratch his beady bloodshot eyes out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
You can forgive, but you don't have to forget. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when someone was clearly in the wrong. Maybe give it a chance this year and see what happens. If the jerk shows his @-- this time, I would draw the line and definitely let him know that he crossed the line...maybe not at the event necessarily, but it sounds like this guy has some real issues. Sometimes the most confident people are the most insecure.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
It's his brother, what does he say.
I guess he didn't act out of character , just remember if he's capable of doing this to his brother , imagine what life in his house is like.
I'd show another cheek and go .
John.
I guess he didn't act out of character , just remember if he's capable of doing this to his brother , imagine what life in his house is like.
I'd show another cheek and go .
John.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Well just because he is his brother on my mind it doesn't mean you have to like him. To me he's just another abusive person. I guess I'm not in agreement with everyone else. What I see you've done is created boundaries. If he never came to see his brother on his death bed and then abused him at his first chance why should you associate with him? If he was not related would you?
See the rest of your family as much as you can. Continue to love and support them. You could even call his wife and tell her how much you miss her but that his bother is not a friend and you are terribly sorry that this is the reality.
Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to be subjected to their abuse. That's crazy to me. Have your own get-togethers with out him. I just don't understand why by blood an abuser has to be relevant. That's the same to me as domestic abuse.
JMHO
See the rest of your family as much as you can. Continue to love and support them. You could even call his wife and tell her how much you miss her but that his bother is not a friend and you are terribly sorry that this is the reality.
Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to be subjected to their abuse. That's crazy to me. Have your own get-togethers with out him. I just don't understand why by blood an abuser has to be relevant. That's the same to me as domestic abuse.
JMHO
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi longbeachone.
To resolve your ambivalence and other conflicts around this issue, accept an invitation of your choice to visit. Spending time with him on a family occasion will give you important information for you to decide whether or not it's worth it for you to continue socializing with him, whether he persists in his bad behavior or not.
Depending on how this event turns out, you'll be in a better position to decide what's best for you and your husband. If things go badly, make plans to leave early, and then just get on with your lives.
To resolve your ambivalence and other conflicts around this issue, accept an invitation of your choice to visit. Spending time with him on a family occasion will give you important information for you to decide whether or not it's worth it for you to continue socializing with him, whether he persists in his bad behavior or not.
Depending on how this event turns out, you'll be in a better position to decide what's best for you and your husband. If things go badly, make plans to leave early, and then just get on with your lives.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
My take, keep doing what you have been doing and keep your stress level down.
Screw the jerk and his wife. IF JERK #1 CAN'T GET OFF HIS A*** AND APOLOGIZE?Oh well....
And anybody going to that house on holidays needs to have their heads examined.
I haven't been to my parents house in over 5 years.Do I care.....NO!
Sorry for the rant.
Just my 5 cents.
Screw the jerk and his wife. IF JERK #1 CAN'T GET OFF HIS A*** AND APOLOGIZE?Oh well....
And anybody going to that house on holidays needs to have their heads examined.
I haven't been to my parents house in over 5 years.Do I care.....NO!
Sorry for the rant.
Just my 5 cents.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
maybe he can talk privately with his sister. her attitude towards his extensive illness and hospitalization is more than denial, it's cold and dismissive...
I would have been devestated if my only sibling treated me that way. She lives 30 mins. from the hospital and could take 1/2 hour to visit him???
it sounds like her denial is a cover up for herself... "oh well we invite them, but they don't come"... sometimes people need to take responsibility for their actions. Actions speak louder than words. even if she is married to a rich plumber, she should take responsibility for that she ignored her only sibling when he is seriously ill. MRSA is nothing to poo-poo, especially when it took 1/2 his pancreas.
I'm a big believer in Karma even for the ignorant.
BTW, I was the family drunk and my brother carried my butt for years as we jointly inherieted, plus our mother needed extensive care...when I sobered up, i was sure to offer to do my share with care and shoulder some of the work...I try very hard to not be a jerk even when I disagree with family.
I would have been devestated if my only sibling treated me that way. She lives 30 mins. from the hospital and could take 1/2 hour to visit him???
it sounds like her denial is a cover up for herself... "oh well we invite them, but they don't come"... sometimes people need to take responsibility for their actions. Actions speak louder than words. even if she is married to a rich plumber, she should take responsibility for that she ignored her only sibling when he is seriously ill. MRSA is nothing to poo-poo, especially when it took 1/2 his pancreas.
I'm a big believer in Karma even for the ignorant.
BTW, I was the family drunk and my brother carried my butt for years as we jointly inherieted, plus our mother needed extensive care...when I sobered up, i was sure to offer to do my share with care and shoulder some of the work...I try very hard to not be a jerk even when I disagree with family.
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