Tired of this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Tired of this
Hey guys, sure some will remember me from the past few years. I was doing well here and there. had a couple years sober with no problems. Have not been around for the past year though, main reason why is because I told myself I would never post here when I was drinking just out of respect for people here. So now this morning I wanted to post and talk about where/how I have been for a minute.
The past year has been rough. Not because I have been drinking every day or anything, but because I have fooled myself into thinking I can drink 1 day a week (2 fifths that day) and because I only drink that one day, even though I know I'm an alcoholic, and have been for 20 years now.....I fool myself into thinking I'm not "that" bad now, because I "only" drink one day per week now.. even though anyone here that knows me knows 3 DUI's, Jail time, no drivers license, and the past 15 yrs tells me different.
I'm just kind'a to the point of being tired of this, and I've been to that point many times the past years I know, I don't even want to tell my family that because I know they will say "oh again"...but this time, I really just don't think I can go back and forth again.I really feel I'm kind'a at the end of the rope here, I just really don't know how I can do this again because I'm getting so tired of doing it . I'm just feed up with what I am doing even though it's only one day per week, yet I feel if I stop it that one day, I just don't even know what I'll do. (if that makes sense?)
Anyway, hope it does.
Steve
So Anyway.
The past year has been rough. Not because I have been drinking every day or anything, but because I have fooled myself into thinking I can drink 1 day a week (2 fifths that day) and because I only drink that one day, even though I know I'm an alcoholic, and have been for 20 years now.....I fool myself into thinking I'm not "that" bad now, because I "only" drink one day per week now.. even though anyone here that knows me knows 3 DUI's, Jail time, no drivers license, and the past 15 yrs tells me different.
I'm just kind'a to the point of being tired of this, and I've been to that point many times the past years I know, I don't even want to tell my family that because I know they will say "oh again"...but this time, I really just don't think I can go back and forth again.I really feel I'm kind'a at the end of the rope here, I just really don't know how I can do this again because I'm getting so tired of doing it . I'm just feed up with what I am doing even though it's only one day per week, yet I feel if I stop it that one day, I just don't even know what I'll do. (if that makes sense?)
Anyway, hope it does.
Steve
So Anyway.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Glad to see you back Steve. I tried the certain day of the week thing for a while. To me it was torture.
I also know to an alcoholic, stopping altogether is something the demon in our minds will violently resist. Thats why we only focus on staying sober right now.
Think back to the 2 years sober. I bet there were some stretches in there where you never even thought about booze. Wasn't that freedom?
I,m not sure who on here said it,but.
If you are worrying about tomorrow,and fretting about yesterday,you are pissing on today.
Don't make yourself scarce
Fred
I also know to an alcoholic, stopping altogether is something the demon in our minds will violently resist. Thats why we only focus on staying sober right now.
Think back to the 2 years sober. I bet there were some stretches in there where you never even thought about booze. Wasn't that freedom?
I,m not sure who on here said it,but.
If you are worrying about tomorrow,and fretting about yesterday,you are pissing on today.
Don't make yourself scarce
Fred
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,828
Good to see you back, Steve. You were already a member here when I joined back in July 2009. I've followed your struggles over the years and I hope you'll quit for good this time. I had nearly 30 years of drinking and now a little over 4 years totally sober. I'll take the 4 sober years over the 30 drinking years hands down.
You can do it, but it's really up to you.
You can do it, but it's really up to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hey Steve,
I remember you as we'll. at the time I started coming here I believe you were not drinking. The fact that you are drinking once a week must be torture.
I'm for one am glad you are back. I need to know this can be done. So you've bargained with yourself to justify drinking. Who hasn't? I had stints of not drink a year ago. 30 days, 60 days and so on.
I bargained with myself a lot, only on the week days, only wine, only beer.... Only to end up where I am today. It always goes back to where I am today.
.
I can't bargain anymore. I have to not be concerned with what people believe about me. It's not my business anyway. I don't expect a gold star or party when I make my way through this hell. I just want to live and respect myself...
I'm pulling for you. We all are. Remember that and post no matter what. Isolation in any form will hurt you like crazy. We need you here.
I understand what you are going through. We all do. All the more reason to be here.
My best!
I remember you as we'll. at the time I started coming here I believe you were not drinking. The fact that you are drinking once a week must be torture.
I'm for one am glad you are back. I need to know this can be done. So you've bargained with yourself to justify drinking. Who hasn't? I had stints of not drink a year ago. 30 days, 60 days and so on.
I bargained with myself a lot, only on the week days, only wine, only beer.... Only to end up where I am today. It always goes back to where I am today.
. I can't bargain anymore. I have to not be concerned with what people believe about me. It's not my business anyway. I don't expect a gold star or party when I make my way through this hell. I just want to live and respect myself...
I'm pulling for you. We all are. Remember that and post no matter what. Isolation in any form will hurt you like crazy. We need you here.
I understand what you are going through. We all do. All the more reason to be here.
My best!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome back, Steve.
I'm new here, coming back after fooling myself into thinking I could control it this time. I did at control it at first, but then it became only sometimes I could and lately it's been mostly I couldn't.
I know that this elevator only goes down, and I want off before I lose the ability to choose. I've had too many warning signs already.
I remember I don't have to live that way anymore, that life really is better without alcohol and that I only have to not pick up that first drink, just for today.
There's lots of support here.
I'm new here, coming back after fooling myself into thinking I could control it this time. I did at control it at first, but then it became only sometimes I could and lately it's been mostly I couldn't.
I know that this elevator only goes down, and I want off before I lose the ability to choose. I've had too many warning signs already.
I remember I don't have to live that way anymore, that life really is better without alcohol and that I only have to not pick up that first drink, just for today.
There's lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by Nevertheless 
I also know to an alcoholic, stopping altogether is something the demon in our minds will violently resist. Thats why we only focus on staying sober right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
I'm sorry it took a week to reply. I do appreciate everyone's replies I hope no one thinks I don't. I didn't reply till now because I'm just having a hard time doing much lately is all. I haven't drink since before I made the post, but the problem I have is even though I "only" drink one day a week, when I don't drink the other six days, I have a terrible time sleeping. I lay in bed awake unable to sleep till 5/6am on days I don't drink. (hence the 4am time stamp on this post)
I know and that's one of the reasons I posted here again. Over the years it's went from a fifth to a fifth and a half pint to a fifth and a pint to two fifth in 12 hrs now. And I know that is not good. It actually makes me useless for 48 hrs after doing that to be honest. Just kills my body.
Today is the first day I have went 8 days in a row without drinking in months. Usually I drink once a week on either Sunday or Monday, yet after laying in bed unable to sleep tonight I decided to get up and jump on here for a few, better than getting up and doing the alternative I guess
Anyway, I just did not want to have anyone think I was ignoring replies or not appreciative at all. I do appreciate the replies, and I am trying to do something different to chance things. I have tried AA in the past and I won't put it down, AA did help me, but I just don't feel AA is the answer for me now. So I did talk to a good friend whom suggested a counselor he talked with years ago that helped him that does grief counseling as well as addiction counseling. I never got over the passing of my dad back in 1996 when he was only 52 yrs old so I think this guy "may" be helpful on both fronts to me. Couldn't get an appt till this coming Thursday though but we'll see how it goes.
Anyway just wanted to say thanks for the replies and not seem like I was just ignoring you all that replied.
Steve
That's almost a toxic level of drinking ,2 fifths in a day .
I would sure stop that , alcohol poisoning could kill you at that level .
I would sure stop that , alcohol poisoning could kill you at that level .
Today is the first day I have went 8 days in a row without drinking in months. Usually I drink once a week on either Sunday or Monday, yet after laying in bed unable to sleep tonight I decided to get up and jump on here for a few, better than getting up and doing the alternative I guess
Anyway, I just did not want to have anyone think I was ignoring replies or not appreciative at all. I do appreciate the replies, and I am trying to do something different to chance things. I have tried AA in the past and I won't put it down, AA did help me, but I just don't feel AA is the answer for me now. So I did talk to a good friend whom suggested a counselor he talked with years ago that helped him that does grief counseling as well as addiction counseling. I never got over the passing of my dad back in 1996 when he was only 52 yrs old so I think this guy "may" be helpful on both fronts to me. Couldn't get an appt till this coming Thursday though but we'll see how it goes.
Anyway just wanted to say thanks for the replies and not seem like I was just ignoring you all that replied.
Steve
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Welcome back Steve and congrats on 8 days!
I think it is good that you are reaching out to us and reaching out to a counselor. Getting help is he first step.
I bought my whiskey by the half gallons. I cannot tell you how much I drank a day as I never counted drinks and I never measure a shot but 3 to 4 half gallons a week was a lot but now I know even that was not enough, there will never be enough.
I hope you stay around!
I think it is good that you are reaching out to us and reaching out to a counselor. Getting help is he first step.
I bought my whiskey by the half gallons. I cannot tell you how much I drank a day as I never counted drinks and I never measure a shot but 3 to 4 half gallons a week was a lot but now I know even that was not enough, there will never be enough.
I hope you stay around!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Originally Posted by slimjim30
I remember you from back then. You were doing well and posted some great photos from a sober fishing trip. You looked like you were really enjoying your sober time. Hope you make it back there.
I can't believe you actually remember me posting those pics, that was at least a year or two ago. That's cool you remember that.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,828
Good luck with the counseling. I think most of us here had some issues to sort out. I hope you're able to give up drinking for good. I've found the sober life to be SO MUCH better!
P.S.: I also remember those fishing pics.
P.S.: I also remember those fishing pics.
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