longbeachone

I've mentioned that I'm in a musical at a local theater group. Well, this was opening weekend, and last night was a big celebratory cast party after the show. I brought some cookies and brownies for it, but by the time the show was over, I really didn't want to go. Actors, even non professionals like us, are known to be drinkers, and from the talk among the cast I knew there would be lots of alcohol.

By now, nearing the five year mark, I don't care about being around alcohol, the desire has left me completely. But I skipped the party, because I didn't want to be around a bunch of drunk people. It's just not fun. Still, I know that I should have at least made an appearance. It's expected, and if you don't go you're perceived as a bit full of yourself, not wanting to be one of the gang, above everyone else. I think sobriety has made me kind of crotchety and definitely less social. I'm much happier at home, with my husband and a good book. I'm not sure this inclination to keep to myself is that healthy. Maybe I should have pushed myself to go. Thoughts?

Dee74

whenever I was in a band or whatever, unless I was really hurting physically or tired, I always made an appearance after show - like you say it's expected in an unspoken way.

I found if I got there early on, we could have the inevitable post mortem and whatever and then I could time my leaving at just about the time people were starting to get drunk.

D

pinkdog

Dear beach, You stayed sober. That is #1 in my book.

sugarbear1

go to another one.

glad you stayed sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nuudawn

I dunno...maybe you were just tired? Sometimes I'm "on" and enjoy the company of others...sometimes I'm not. I know that when drinking was still an option, I could go anywhere or do anything as long as there was promise of some wine. I could go out straight from work and didn't even look at my hair or makeup. I just went and poured some wine.

NOW..when I go out to socialize..I need to be fresh and dressed for the occasion..AND..not tired..I need to feel like my energy is "on"...otherwise its' just a trigger to drink.

fantail

The key for me here is that you skipped it based on assumptions you made about what was going to happen. Why not go and check it out and then go or stay based on what it's really like? Especially since you're not feeling fragile anymore in your sobriety.

Anyway that's the approach I take... I can get a bit self-isolating if I let myself, so when I get that way I make a little deal. I go and give it an hour. If I'm not enjoying myself at that point, I leave. No harm done and at least I've shown my friends that I value their company.

lillyknitting

I probably would have gone for a bit, say an hour or so, then go home. Can't you tell peeps that you felt rough an sorry you missed the party but wasn't feeling well, etc

longbeachone

Yes, I'll tell them that. After all, the party didn't even begin until 11:30 at night, my husband had come to the show and didn't want to go, and he didn't know anyone. Plus everyone knows I drive a long way (30 minutes). Thanks everybody. You all give the best advise.

hypochondriac

I made a massive effort when I first got sober to go to after work pub visits and made sure I was still available for corporate entertaining. After all, it is expected. But it was to my own detriment. I felt awful and wouldn't have wished that experience on anyone. Despite putting on my best smile and making a huge effort to be social I was still berated for not drinking. This was tough to deal with early on, but even now after a year and a half sober it is annoying as hell. The only difference being now people don't really expect me to drink.

The thing is though that I wonder how much of this expectation was something I was putting on myself. I have a colleague at work who never comes out, so no one expects him to, nor do they sit there saying how anti social he is (though I to be honest think that), and another colleague of mine never does any of the entertaining anymore, she just says she's busy, and my boss never says 'well you have to it's in your contract' (it is) or says she's being anti social. So early on in my sobriety I carried the brunt of all the corporate entertaining, being barmaid for a bunch of clients while trying not to gag on the smell of alcohol, and I always made an effort to go out with colleagues. Needless to say when I realised I was the only one making an effort I have dropped off the radar and have suddenly become very busy too. This might make me come of as incredibly childish but I do think that most of those expectations of attendance I put on myself. Maybe my boss does sit there thinking I am anti social, I don't know, but I spent all my drinking years trying to be someone I am not for other people so I don't want to do the exact same thing in my sobriety.

So no, I don't think you should have pushed yourself to go if you didn't want to...

wiscsober

Maybe this time just say you had a bit of a head cold?

davaidavai

I think it's OK to treat socializing in this context as a kind of duty or obligation, as long as it doesn't become a total pain in the neck. I suppose that they might perceive you as above it all means that they might want to be around you, and that's nice.