rubbersoul

Hi All,

I was a month away from a year without a "drop"of alcohol and experienced a snowball effect of stress (family health crisis, a new living enviroment, husband away for 3 months for basic training and loss of my job) that led to me making the Wrong decision to attempt to drink "moderately" one evening.

2 nights ago I had 3 glasses of wine socially over the course of 5 hours and at the end of this I was crying and so ashamed with myself for falling for my own BS. I was surprised I didn't like the feeling of being "buzzed" from alcohol anymore. It feels fake and I feel out of control of my thoughts and behaviour, I feel the depression edging in. I completely changed my lifestyle for almost a year and now this is my new normal (thank God) but the pull of my old lifestyle - a lousy mechanism for dealing with stress, and subsequent relapse has been very, very humbling. I am trying not to beat myself up as is my tendancy and I have done already but I need to learn from this unfortunate experience.

The positive I take away from is that it really made me realize what a pipe dream the drinking life is and also discovered something I never thought possible: life is so much more interesting and worthwhile without alcohol. I feel closer to my authentic self (the person I was before my drinking became an obsession and a death wish). Anyway I would love to hear others' stories of learning from a relapse and moving forward on the journey of life free from the addictive beast that is alcohol!

Thank you

(Sent from my mobile device with not so good spell check)

MsJax

Hi rubbersoul it sounds like you really have done well tho. You caught yourself after the one-day relapse, right? I like what you said about being more your authentic self in sobriety . I feel like that too. In 2006 I relapsed after over 6 years sober, went on a 4.5 year bender. I got sober in march of 2011 & now I do know I can never drink again or I will die a drunk. And that's ok, I've accepted that. I never did truly get it when I got sober in 2000.

I hope you are done now! Best wishes to you.

AllieB

Rubbersoul: It is inspirational to hear that you had a slip, but that you immediately righted yourself, and that you have made your life without alcohol so much richer and fuller that you will be ferocious in its defense. Sounds like that slip was almost worth having just as a reminder to yourself of how much you value what you've fought for and built this last year.

Sorry to hear about the job and the health crisis and your husband's mandatory away-from-home training time. Hope everything works out for you soon and that his only deployment is a recon mission under your command at the grocery store.

neferkamichael

Rubbersoul, addiction is so powerful. At 3 years sober and on the 10th 2 years no cocaine I'm starting to settle down and appreciate it. you had 11 months so you know you can do it. Quit again, its all you can do. Rootin for ya.

pinkdog

Hi soul, I'm glad you are at SR. Alcohol is a depressant. You will feel better when it gets out of you again. Good job on getting up on your feet. We are rooting for ya. You already know you can do this. Hugs.

Kathleen41

I don't have an experience to share, but thank you for sharing yours. I'm 10 months sober and have been under huge amounts of stress too. I feel lonely and admittedly I occasionally think about "the good old days!" Reading your post was a powerful reminder to me of how precious my sobriety is. I am sorry you relapsed, but thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope.

forabetterlife

Rubbersoul, Thank you for this honest post. Since I have yet to commit to never drinking again, I keep alternating bouts of sobriety (lasting months at a time) to bouts of drinking, which luckily have been getting increasingly shorter and shorter. Each time I drink after being sober for a while, I feel JUST like you: I don't like it. It does feel fake, I feel not in control, and I immediately long for my sober self, my sober life (even though I continue drinking). I try to understand why I keep getting pulled to that lifestyle, like you, but I think it's simply that old habits die hard. And its addiction. From what I read, though, there does come a point, and hopefully we are both there, that even though the compulsion my rear its ugly head from time to time, we don't feed it, because we know better. I really don't want to learn that lesson anymore, I have already learned it. Drinking just isn't worth it for me anymore. Sounds like you might be at that point too

rubbersoul

Thank you all so much for your replies! I so much appreciate your kind words and encouragement. I haven't posted on SR for along time and my post was hard for me to write but I'm so glad I did if it helped even one person. I knew I had to post this because sober recovery was an incredible resource that helped me to achieve and build up all those months of sober living.

I will continue on this path of recovery as I realize that this is the only way I can truly live my life and feel at peace within my soul. Thank you to every single one of you and right on to all the sober time you all have achieved for yourselves! Keep going and don't give up on it!! Sobriety is so worth it, it's worth fighting for.

Marcella99

Rubber sole, thank you for sharing your story. You've inspired me.

Nuudawn

Thank you Rubbersoul...your post helped me. With only a little more than 3 months of sobriety, it's good to know that we must remain wary of "falling for our own BS" as you so aptly put it : )