I'm not ready for this
 

My significant other knows that I can't drink... that if I drink, it means I DRINK. The cat is out of the bag. I can't play it casual anymore.

Tomorrow I will go to an AA meeting. For reals. It hurts to consider.I hate to even type the words.

I think I will feel differently in the morning. More positive. I love my son and my husband. And somewhere deep down, I might love myself.I can't feel it right now, that's for sure.

NotToSmart, sounds like to me you are ready. Rootin for ya. :egypt:

Please, please let us know how the meeting goes, whether its good OR bad. I have one piece of advice. They may ask if anyone is there for a first meeting or is new. Just let folks know you are new. Things tend to happen for your benefit in that event.

If you are like me you feel like your life is over now. In truth it's just beginning. Let us know! Thanks

Hugs, welcome. You're one of us now, the brave intrepid souls on the journey of recovery. lol.

once we admit and accept the issue, we can move past it. Don't have to dodge it anymore. I actually felt better having finally been able to say I was an addict, it was easier than trying to keep the cat in the bag.

nottoosmart,
hay i totally understand how you feel about things. i hit that level a few times. but glad you finally wanted to take action to help your self, family is a powerful mover to do things. keep in touch

I was so mortified by the idea that I had a nurtured a drinking problem that I cringed at every reminder. And, believe me, everything was a reminder. Before I quit, if I gulped water too fast around people I'd wonder if they were thinking, "jeez, look at her go. Can't she exercise restraint with any liquids?" And facing up to the idea that I had created a problem that I had always considered beneath me just terrified me.

But, once I grew more terrified of continuing to drink than I was of facing what I'd done to myself, things got a lot better. I'm only about three months in (or five, depending on whether you discount sober before after a slip), but already the terror is gone. I still have plenty to be mortified about, but drinking isn't on that list. And there are no words for how restful that is.

I don't think I had any idea how much energy I was burning through running through my binge/hangover/hide-the-evidence/writhe-in-shame/abstain/binge/hangover etc. ad nauseam cycle. Shame and anxiety and secret-keeping take so much energy.

Don't get me wrong, the first couple months were hard. Much harder than I expected, given that I was used to going 3-10 days between drinks. But after I pushed through the beginning, there was a windfall of relief, and I had a bunch of energy that had heretofore been burned up in the drinking & shame cycle.

All of which is to say: I promise you that you are going to feel so much better in a little while. (It may feel like eons, but in reality it will be just a little while.)

Good luck. Hope your meeting goes well! :)

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

Linked with Permission of AA World Services, inc





here is a link to AA's Big Book. It's their basic text. You are gonna walk out of that meeting with more hope than the fear you walked in with. Here's to your new sober journey!!

Great comment, AllieB.

:) Thanks, Endgame!

Thanks all :) It's awful... I barely remember writing that post last night. I was fading in and out.

I went to the meeting! First one in 3 years. It was so wonderful to be in a room with so many people who are living sober. I felt like I was the only one who should be trying to do that, that everyone else in the WHOLE WORLD was sipping wine with dinner or whatever. I know that's stupid. How many users on this forum are there, after all? But I needed to "out" myself, outside of cyber space, and ask for some support.

I just don't want any more nights like last night. Can't take it. And I can't seem to stay sober on my own power. I need some help.

Thanks for letting us know about the meeting. I always feel a bit better when I know that someone is off to a good start. All the best to you.

Dear smart, it is scary when you tell someone you love. Then you are accountable. But it is great for recovery. You can do this. It will get easier.

NotTooSmart, it was really hard for me to admit that I needed help too. I can remember how ashamed I was to admit my alcohol problem out loud, and how scared I was waiting outside for the meeting to actually start.

I was really surprised at the level of support people have given me since I admitted I have a problem. You don't need to shout it from the rooftops obviously, but I suspect the people closest to you in life will have your back if you let them know you're struggling.

You've taken a huge step in a positive direction. It may not be easy from here on out, but it's worthwhile.

Reading your original post reminded me of myself 3 months ago.
110 days ago, I woke up not remembering things I texted friends, phone calls I made or Facebook & Twitter posts I published for the world to see. I was ashamed.
Decided that I had played this game long enough. Decided that I had to admit that I was powerless to booze. I realized I was ruining my life and hurting my wife & kids. I was an embarrassment.
110 days later. I am sober. I go to AA meetings daily. I have a sponsor. I am working the steps. I am praying & meditating daily.
You can do it. You took the 1st & most important step. You had the desire to get sober.
Keep going!
:You_Rock_

Smart you are not alone anymore. Keep coming back it works if you work it sober sucks if you dont:c011:

Hey NTS, I love the name, reminds me of me. I was one of the stupidest people ever to come to AA, too stupid to argue and challenge, I just stupidly followed a few suggestions and got well.

Ive got some good news for you too. I have never met anyone too stupid to get sober, but I have met quite a few who are too smart.

I hate myself, I have no excuse, I've been through this before. I stopped drinking, I went to meetings, I got a sponsor. Then I dropped the sponsor, stopped going to meetings, and finally started drinking again. I'm so pissed off at myself and frankly at the rest of the world. I went to put something in the recycling yesterday morning after my husband had charge of the house and our child for 24 hours (I work 24 hour shifts a few times a month). Find an empty bottle and an empty 40 oz microbrew. Oh yeah and our kid's diaper clearly hadn't been changed for several hours BEFORE going to bed the night before, because our son reeked of pee and his bed was wet, with a maxed-out diaper. Then he has the nerve to give me some errands to run for him before leaving for work. Mr Father of the Year can't get through 24 hours of my duties without a trashed house, 6 drinks, and a ****-soaked toddler.

Guess what I want to do? You know it. Because I'm mad at HIM. That'd really show him right?

Yup, not too smart, indeed.

Lol. Aggravating. And probably even more aggravating when you're sleep deprived from a 24-hr shift.

You sound pretty darn sharp to me, though. You've recognized that your husband isn't pulling his weight as an adult in the house (instead of, for example, just accepting that the woman is supposed to do 80%); recognized that your resultant aggravation is a trigger, and recognized that vengeance in the form of a bottle of blanc is a dumb-ass idea.

I'm rooting for you. (And the evil part of me hopes that you tell you your husband you were too busy cleaning up the pee to run any errands for him. But, then again, I'm single, and I get petty that way. :) )

Thanks, AllieB. The 24 hr shifts shake me up, for sure. I didn't have childcare to help out that day, either, so I didn't get to play much sleep catch-up, and I was feeling pretty beasty. I took a nap with my son today and am slowly feeling back to normal (whatever that means!).

It's easier in the short term to get loaded and glare resentfully at the back of my husband's head than have a discussion about... stuff. But it is very literally drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.