Starflyer

DISCLAIMER - the title of this post is meant to be funny. In no way, shape, or form do I have feelings for the person mentioned within this post.

College has been going for a week now. My class schedule is not too bad, although, the courses themselves are upper level courses so I'm very anxious about staying on top of the assignments and papers. Apparently there had been a mix up and one of my classes was overbooked. The class size was too large for the teacher and the room. I was told that the exact same class was being taught at the exact same time by a different professor in another section of the building. So a few of us were chosen to attend the other class. When I walk in I recognize the professor immediately. And why is that? Had I a previous class with her? Had I been assigned to her as my advisor? No.

I know this professor because we both graduated high school together, she dated my best friend during high school, and we were fairly close - socializing together, eating lunch together, even partying together.

This sickens me. She looks healthy. She has a job as a professor at a good college. She got married. Has a college degree. She's living her dream (even in high school she knew she wanted to teach at the college level). I have none of those. Here we are ten years later and she has everything and I'm some dumb student in her class. I've gone nowhere in life. Problems with alcohol have robbed me years of ambition and hard work. I'm going to open up to the forum...I have not felt this depressed in a very long while. I want to reach for the bottle, naturally. I want to not feel like my life has been so worthless...so completely and utterly worthless.

Dee74

The thing is, you can't undo all the years since you were at High School
you could bemoan the fact a friend is now your professor.
you could stomp away and try to drink away the feelings you're feeling....and waste more time

or you can make the very best of the second chance you have today

Your life's not over - presumably you have many decades left yet
I'd focus on that, myself

D

jaynie04

Hi Starflyer. Maybe there is a reason you are exactly where you are right now. Maybe if you had gotten a job in a particular city and had to be on a particular plane.......And I don't mean this to sound unsympathetic, I mean to argue that perhaps there are things that are in play that are bigger than you. I am not religious, but I do kind of assume that some day everything will make sense.

I lived through 9/11, my husband and I both worked down there, we lost a lot of friends. One that has always bothered me is someone that I used to work for, he was simply there for a meeting that day. Maybe the only way I can handle things like that is to hope that there is something that is connecting all the dots.

Have you ever seen the movie Sliding Doors with Gyneth Paltrow? It is a movie that launches 2 plausible scenarios, in one case she makes the subway and in the next she doesn't. And it results in 2 completely different outcomes. Things like that happen to us hundreds if not thousands of times every day.

I don't see this woman becoming your teacher as any indicator at all that you are a failure. I actually think it is one of those truly wild occurrences, and that things like that happen for a reason. You aren't a sum of things you have accomplished. Some of us have much more difficult roads than others. You didn't ask to have this disease, but you are taking ownership and responsibility for it. In my mind that is huge....we are all getting a PhD in sobriety! Yay us!

Sudz No More

Dude, so what? You are still out there trying to improve yourself. It doesn't really matter when or why but you are on a track to get where you want to go. She sees that you have ambition to continue climbing the ladder. Do an awesome job in her class to show her how much you have grown. I mean if she saw you sitting disheveled on a park bench with a half empty bottle. Now that is going nowhere. Instead you are out there trying to find your way. Keep your chin up and your nose down and just focus on you.

PhaseTwo

If you start drinking again you will be even more upset with yourself. You just said how drinking is the cause of this problem in the first place. I imagine you wouldn't have any fun drinking because you would think about how your blowing another opportunity. Sorry to be harsh but you have a great chance to turn yourself around and right now you're doing just that. As dee said you can't change the past but the future is completely in your hands.

DylanS

Starflyer - I have done my share of (life) comparison shopping, myself; like I missed my "right life" somehow by a wrong turn. That belief is extremely painful because, frankly, I can never win unless I followed my dreams 100% and made no wrong turns. There's a song by a gal who's looking at her life and says, "I missed about a million miles of road I should've seen." Regret for the past isn't uncommon, especially early on in sobriety, as we have to face and walk through the wreckage left over from the hurricane of addiction, picking through the debris and trying to find our 'real life' again, or, if you're like me, for the first time.

I was sober 14 years, was out drinking for 13, and now have nearly 30 days clean/sober. For a while, I was bitterly regretful and plagued by shame and guilt for 'wasting' those 13 years. But recently I've begun to realize that that parallel universe in my mind, where I made "right choices", is an illusion. AND, I don't know how those 13 years will serve me in the future.

I don't know what program of recovery you're using, but in AA there's something from the text that says, "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others", and "We will know a new freedom and a new happiness, we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it..." (italics mine).

You, as much as anyone, have your own path, your own destiny to follow. As comfy, secure and self-assured as that gal's path may seem, or may even actually be, it just isn't yours. I have a friend who's a director in a department at the university where I am employed. I am now on disability, which will end in December, and will probably need to change jobs; this at a time when I should be comfortably ensconced in a position, and doing the middle-aged things, not worrying about career changes. My friend is financially secure, has found her niche, and is coasting comfortably toward retirement. I envy that sense of ease, security and comfort she must enjoy. But it is not my path.

I had a friend that followed a rather sedate, secure path in life and talking to her once on the phone I said, "I wish I could live a nice boring life like yours, but I just can't." And I didn't mean SHE was boring, or that her life was, in fact, boring; I meant that there was something wrong with me that I wouldn't be satisfied with that nice life she had. (She was a close friend, knew how messed up I was, and understood. )

To thine OWN self be true. You can find own unique, right path that is the right fit.

Nevertheless

She might not be as happy as she appears on the surface. Instructors have to put on a happy face,even if they are having a crap day (or life). But it's probably true that most enjoy their work,because the pay ain't all that great for all the crap they have to put up with.
As far as feeling worthless,Iduno. Times are tough,and a lot of people are starting over (including me). I was making pretty good money back when I was drinking. I lost my "gravy job" because of the economy,not because of my drinking.
I also started going back to school about 3 weeks ago. It's only a 16 week deal,but when I get out I'll be doing good to make 15 bucks an hour. Less than half of what I used to make. And I really can't blame it on booze.
There are a lot of people that don't drink,that have gone nowhere. It's hard to make money with Walmart and fast food franchises employing soooo many people,and China making our "stuff".
Keep going to school,and whatever it is you are doing be the best at it you can be. Thats MY plan anyway. I WILL make decent money again as long as my health holds out.

Fred

Leongecko

Someone else's success is not your failure my friend.

Grungehead

I have chosen the wrong fork in the road many times in my life and have wondered what my life would be like if I had made different choices. Or did I make the wrong choices? In the last couple of months I have made contact with a Higher Power, and I now believe that He has been there all along letting me make my own mistakes to reach the point where I am at right now. I may have never found Him had I made different choices. I honestly believe that it took what it took to get to where I'm at right now, and I like that place. "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it" is one of my favorite promises. By cleaning up the wreckage of my past it has allowed me to learn from it without living in it.

DoubleBarrel

Ugh. I am so with you here.

I have squandered more amazing opportunities than most people ever get in their whole lives.

People that offered me these amazing chances are doing truly unbelievable things with their own lives, and many are the top of their chosen profession. A few of them are world famous, many are very successful in other ways.

Alcohol robbed me of good decisions, of hard work, of commitment, and ultimately of my life's ambitions.

All I can do is move forward, and try to do the next right thing, otherwise, this pity party can lead me right back to the bottle. I cannot and will not waste any more of my precious life and squander even more opportunities.

Soberpotamus

DoubleBarrel, well said.

EndGameNYC

It's sometimes said in AA meetings that were everyone in the meeting to throw their problems to the middle of the floor, after inspecting all of them, we'd likely take back our own.

Drinking now would only forestall your progress and push your dreams further away from actually accomplishing them.

Starflyer

Thank you, everybody. I am a very emotional person, so little things like this "ruin my day".

Our society has this whole "game" set in place, with relationships mostly, but also friendships. When two people break up or two friends drift apart for a long while we always try to figure out who's "winning". And I just felt so defeated, you know? I started having very negative thoughts about myself - which always leads me down a drunken path. I need to keep my mind on what positive actions I can take in the future (like Dee said). Life is short, and I've wasted far too much of it.

Soberpotamus

That would be a hard pill for me to swallow too, Starflyer. I can easily imagine being in this situation because I'm gearing up for grad school in the future.

I can only nod my head in agreement with all the other great advice already said. But I know it's much easier said than done.

Maybe in a few days you'll get used to it and somehow get focused on your studies.

It won't be a big deal later

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

deeker

For me when you find that one thing that can fill your soul, worldly success just isn't all that important anymore.

fantail

In situations like this I always find a lot of empowerment in how I tell the story. Especially by finding humor. If I can tell another person (like your teacher) my story through a strong perspective, that helps me feel ownership of it again. I also find it puts them at ease, too.

For me an example would be getting laid off from work. People are *terrified* to talk to you after that. They pity you, but they feel bad for pitying you; they wonder if you're a mess, etc etc.

So I started telling my story with humor. And that took a really awful situation that did in fact beat me down and gave me back some control over it. I started to see the humor in it too.

There isn't always humor to be found, but there's often a way of presenting your truth that will make you feel more centered and less victimized.

Threshold

Yeah Starflyer, I read your post and the song "Aint that a kick in the head" came to mind. Ouch. Big sigh...a dash or three of "why am I even trying this?" and "am I kidding myself?" that's how I feel when run into a situation like this.

Then I return to my regularly scheduled program, otherwise known as getting on with my life.

To the guy who will only be able to make fifteen bucks an hour, half of what they used to make. fifteen bucks and hour is twice what I made at my last job. Is it a matter of perspective? Heck, I have no idea. I just know at the beginning, middle and end of each day, I have to live my life. It's the only one I have and no one has it easy. No life is without it's fears, challenges and disappointments.

Have an awesome semester.

Eddiebuckle

Star, I have felt the same thing. Consider this: in most situations, there are two versions of events. There are the facts, what occurred; and then there is our story about the facts. We typically spend 99% of our mental and emotional energy in the story because it is our perception of the events, how we interpret and make meaning of them. This is what humans do, because we are natural story tellers.

These are the facts:

Your acquaintance went to college, went on to graduate school, and landed a job at the college you currently attend.

This is your story:

She is successful, healthy and on a career path that she always wanted. She is fully satisfied with her position and place of employment, and enjoys her the money, prestige, and security of her vocation. I am a failure. I will never be as good as she is because she is smarter, better connected, and destined to live a happy and rewarding live.

Drop the story - it's not true. To use the story as the basis of your decision making would be like driving down the interstate looking only through the rear view mirror. You have crossed paths with an acquaintance, no more and no less. If it weirds you out to take a course taught by a peer, drop the class and explain the reason to your advisor. But for gods sake, don't drink over it.

JustODAAT

I think this point is crucial. It's all about the story you tell yourself about where you are in your journey. I think the goal here is to strive a tell a more positive story about how you are growing through this experience and others.

BUT: I'm wondering if the past relationship with the professor would be problematic for her as well as you, I would think being a friend of yours would be challenging for her regardless. Perhaps you should ask that someone else be switched to her class and you go back to the original.

wolfpackfan45

Starflyer, don't let this discourage you or make you feel like a failure. You're in college. You're not a failure. As for your teacher, outward appearances can be false. I'm a highly respected teacher in a school. I've been teaching for years, I always look and act professional, and my students always have high test scores. Teaching is my passion. My colleagues tell me they wish they had it together like I do, and the parents of my students tell me they really look up to me and admire me. They think my life is ideal. But what they don't know is that's my professional facade. I'm doing my job and keeping my professional life and private life separate. In reality, my young adult son is an alcoholic, my marriage isn't the best, my daughter has serious health problems, and I'm on an antidepressant and see a counselor. I feel guilt over my alcoholic son and how my life has played out. I feel like a failure as a wife and parent at times. You may think your teacher's got it all together, but you just never know. Everyone has issues and problems. I see your situation in a whole different light. You are overcoming a very difficult obstacle in life. I truly believe YOU will be the stronger person for it in the long run. I've noticed that people who manage to overcome serious health, family, financial, and addiction issues tend to be wiser, happier, and much more stronger than the general population. Many of them go on to do really great things in their lives. When you feel like a failure it's your alcoholism talking. I'm not an addict or alcoholic, I'm the mother of one. I see my son's last few years of horrible drinking as a real learning and growing experience for him and our family. He's sober now, and what I've noticed is how much more mature he is than other people his age. He has an insight on life that they just don't have. He seems to know what is really important and what's not. He doesn't see this in himself, but I do. I'll just bet you're a really great person. Give yourself some credit for your sobriety and the strength that takes. And you're back in college. Well done !