roosta

This is the longest time of sobriety I've had in years, and tonight I am drinking. I don't hate myself, not yet anyway. From my relatively short time on SR I've learned that relapse is a process. It starts with a thought, and it snowballs.

I've had many, many thoughts over the last few months that "a beer would go good with ____" or " I had a bad day, lets drink" and neither one of these thoughts ever made it past that stage. It was quickly dismissed because I loved being sober. My MIL left beer in our fridge two months ago, and I might remember its there every few weeks. It just didn't tempt me at all.

Then today happened. I was sent home from work, the second time in less than a week. Being sober, I had gotten a good reign on my emotions so I acted like it was no big deal, though inside it tore me to pieces. I work for a small family business where nepotism runs strong and outsiders get the worst.

I had the strongest feeling these last four months, that as I live a sober life, I live an honest life. In my previous life as a habitual binge drinker, I always over- compensated at work. Well, I kept the work ethic and lost the booze.

I've always been strong at work, and now what i accomplish at my present job is never, ever good enough. I get ridiculed, punished, ignored, and sent home. If I object, I'm being argumentative, if I agree I'm not doing my job, I get sent home.

My drinking issues directly relate to self esteem, and I'm at a point that I don't know if they are right, I really suck at my job, or I'm doing the best I can, and its not good enough. FWIW, I got sent home for throwing away perfectly good broccoli (my bosses words) with mold on it, he thinks I can just cut the mold out :/.

So tonight, not knowing or really caring if I had a job or not, am drinking. I haven't been working a program, sobriety came easy for those four months. I have had some pretty tough tests, but until my ego got killed, I was blissful.

I know it may look really stupid to upset over, but I really cherish being a good person, and I would never sell something I wouldn't buy myself.

Sorry for the rambling, I had to vent. I come to SR often and read. I was thankful for sobriety yesterday, and now I'm praying for a new start tomorrow.

roosta

Dee74

what about a new start right now Roosta - limit the damage and stop now?

D

lorelei

Hey roosta,

Stop being so tough on yourself, 4 months is amazing this is a blip, don't let it develop into a full blown slip and slide.... catch it now, you can be sober again and you will be, if you have self esteem issues, like many of us, maybe try and deal with that at some point if thats one of your bigger triggers, some cbt, mindfulness.

Id say you were being a caring employee looking after your customers, you didn't do anything wrong.

So thats going to be your yesterday. And tomorrow will be sober...

Come on, you can do it

L x

roosta

Thanks Dee, I've stopped for the night. Dumped the 3 remaining beers. No use abusing myself.

Dee74

great work Roosta

tomorrows another day

roosta

Thank you Lorelei I've had PTSD in the past, quitting drinking made my symptoms non-existent and my self esteem blossomed.

Now I'm feeling anxious and worried all the time about work, and it won't be long until PTSD kicks in again, but only if I let it. If I don't drink, I'm fine.

Tomorrow, no drinking. Day one, again.

Looking forward to a fresh start.

lorelei

Great stuff roosta, come join us in the Sept class,

X

ersatzmatriarch

don't beat yourself up, roosta... just get back up and keep pushing forward in sobriety. maybe find a program to help you through?

sending you my best...

fini

I've had many, many thoughts over the last few months that "a beer would go good with ____" or " I had a bad day, lets drink" and neither one of these thoughts ever made it past that stage. It was quickly dismissed because I loved being sober.
roosta,
you can make the new start, praying or not.
i highlighted the above stuff because i want to share what was helpful to me: NOT to dismiss those thoughts.
to dismiss them is to loose the opportunity to see if there is something "behind" them, to loose the opportunity to examine the irrational ideas that swirl around in our minds (friday night=drinking; being sent home =drinking; feeling worthless=drinking; feeling wonderfully ecstatic=drinking)
if we dismiss those thoughts over and over again because at the moment sobriety feels good, then we don't learn how to "deal" with them.

in a roundabout way, i've learned how not to drink by looking at the stupid ideas i had that i knew i wouldn't act on.made me able to "handle triggers".

hope you find your way to a new day one.

Bluebird1927

Well done for stopping fella and use the four months as motivation.

copernicus

FWIW Roosta, I think you did the right thing with the broccoli. That is gross. Someone could have gotten food poisoning.

DuhDave

Roosta...don't write off those 4 months as failure.

You had a slight "Slip" on this "Slippery Slope" (wow, say THAT 3 times real fast) as the AA Big Book puts it...but you didn't fall and you have NOT failed!!!

Reclaim your sobriety...and reclaim your sober 4 months...you EARNED them !!!

Its not "Day One" again...you are 4 months...minus 1 day SOBER !!!

Now just "Get back in the game" and shoot for 8 months PLUS 2 days sober!

Be good to yourself.

Dave

Warhawk

Tomorrow is a new day.
Get to a meeting. Pick you up a desire chip and start fresh.
Get a sponsor. When those thoughts creep in, call him.
It works! Take it from a drunk that has been dry for 107 days.

Kathleen41

Get another job!! Those people are doing immoral and illegal things. Feeling like you have to comply with them may cause more relapses. I need to practice honesty in all my affairs. If I have a job where I can't do that, that job needs to go!!!

Furthermore, don't tolerate mistreatment. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You are not a doormat!! I just gave notice last week at my job for being "called off" or "sent home" repeatidly. Guess what? The very day I looked in the ads there was a job listed just hours before that was perfect for me. I got the job despite having to reschedule one of the interviews due to my mom's hospitalization.

Treat yourself respectably and expect others to do so a well. Assert yourself early in a situation when it's necessary. This has been an important part of my recovery. I wish you well in yours.

roosta

Thanks for the kind words everyone

I have an appointment with my therapist today and I'm going to bring all of this stuff up. I'm not beating my self up like in the past.

I'm considering this my day one since I was still a little buzzed when I woke up yesterday morning. Feels good to wake up with a clear head. I'll be back later

Thanks again <3

roosta

I met with my therapist today, and he told me to quit my job. He told me not even to bother giving notice, and not to go get my last check without my husband.

I called right before they closed for the night and quit. I feel terrible for not giving notice, but my boss has fired people when they give notice. Plus now I won't have to worry about the shenanigans of the creeps I work with in those last two weeks. Money has gone missing in the past and I wouldn't put it past them to cook up some kind of revenge.

I feel exactly the way I did when I left an abusive relationship. Not going to drink over it though. I'm free and have chosen to walk away and become a better person.

Thanks everyone