irisgardens

I did this letter tonight.

I have hit bottom so many years that I can't even explain.

I woke up and realized I was an ACOA when Dad died and mother and sister (previously best friends) turned on me and have just been so toxic.

I woke up this last year when I ran out of money and kids turned on me and hubby...and I was in Chile (without any money and him not allowing me to spend anything...because, of course, we were out of money...he spent it all without telling me.

I got a job from Chile through Skype...it was a miracle from my HP.

I have now been working for 10 weeks and am working for a guy who hates passive aggressive which I do too...and working hard to rebuild myself in a job after giving up my career for three serial drug addict daughters (two now functional and one an active heroin addict on the streets and entire family but me turned their back)...I am not enabling, but have not turned my back either...and have succeeded in 'almost' locating her (through no major effort of my own after following my HP's direction to come back to the area.

Hubby came back to find us an apartment and there was a miracle from his HP...we are in bankruptcy and now clear until mid December, but someone gave him a chance and when they met me...decided we were worthy to be here.

He is now back in Chile...before he came...he was a basket case (& a huge burden on me in my low emotional support drained capacity...) so told him he had to see a doctor and get on meds...got him the doctor and he did go...and is taking meds.

He continues to drink, but less now and has been reducing his drinking over the past 8-9 years as we have gone through horror with our two previous girls and our own support for them in detox, rehabs, parents of addicts, and family therapy (at my insistance) until I let go, let God.

I have now started to have to remind him to get the appointment with the therapist to continue his work...he wasn't doing it.

About ten years ago, I was ready to leave...did enough personal therapy to realize he was an alcoholic, was told I would lose everything, but still stayed...and then we lost everything, did finish bringing up the kids (they are now all empty nested...although 19 year old is living with the ex-crystal meth addict we spent almost all of our savings on and supported with her twins for the past 7 years until we went to Chile because we ran out of money.

She took squatters rights on the apartment that we had gotten for ourselves as a backup and refused to let me stay...as did my son...both of these two were the ones he enabled and gave everything to...and I did it too...because he is very strong at getting what he wants. They are currently in no contact with me, because I wrote the family and explained that he hadn't earned a penny on his General Contractor jobs for over 10 years and that our savings of over $1MM 10 years ago were gone and that we spent everything on helping the kids with their addictions and on getting the three oldest through college (with room and board and watching the twin granddaughters) and they are now very angry and out of contact.

I took the steps anyway...and asked my HP to show me the way...the job, the one way ticket back before August 1st, the $1,000 the husband was able to scrape out of the two active building jobs he will not be bringing any money home on...and the decision to 'sell' the unfinished house (really unfinished) we were living in that leaked in the rain and has boards warping and living in my bed to weather the cold with an electric heater and no hot water until early May when it was already like November there (6 months difference in seasons...southern hemisphere).

I had to finally push my husband and pull out his hair to get him to free up $100 to go see a doctor to have the doctor re-evaluate my meds which I have been constant on for 16 years (went on after doing grief therapy for a child dead from sids 23 years ago and have stayed constant ever since) and he said I was healthy. But I did push him and scream at him and he had been closed down and blank faced and forcing me to ask him for every penny for the previous 7 months since I had arrived.

I figured out how to find my own cab driver to drive me out of the gated community we were living in while hubby just continued as always...i am too busy...I have to work...nothing that I asked got done...and never really has unless it saves his skin in a crisis.

Today, I realized that I need to be done and that the opportunity is here as I have no contact from FOO (finally cut contact after 13 years in February when mother reiterated that I am mentally unstable and need major medical attention as I was trying to tell her my situation with the hot water and need for some convo...and she told me that it was my husband's job to provide for me and that she couldn't believe a word I was saying and that he had to call her to confirm that I was telling the truth.

Of course he wouldn't...and won't...and I am staying no-contact...it was a good thing ultimately...as I realized then and there that my mother was willing to have me go hungry and without adequate physical facilities rather than be a mother...she is a long-time alcoholic and I did a lot of my work trying to emotionally detach from her...and although I still love her...always will...I am not giving in to any cravings (they come when I am in hard situations which have been constant for 23 years and are hard now as I work to restart my career again after the job market died in the past year, and to pay all the bills without giving in to shopping or eating compulsions, to stay calm as the accounting professional I am and need to remain, and to continue to turn over all of that...and my 21 year old daughter who is in bad shape on the streets of SF and under the control of the dealer/long term heroin addict who controls her and to love her unconditionally, to send her messages, to be decent to him as he facebooks and works to try to manipulate themselves into my life and new home rather than tell me where I can find them and to accept the offer I have made to go to SF (30 minutes away) and take them for a meal or coffee anytime.

I just realized tonight, after speaking to hubby and realizing that he is still waiting for me to nag and tell him what to do...that I need to set boundaries.
As I have been writing this, he has been calling, but I do not want to talk to him...because I will be manipulated and nothing will change.

I am numb finally...and just want to see if God truly has something happy and good for me in this life. I have been a codependent and ACOA and enabler all my life...but I have been getting better and better since son's death made me decide to go into therapy and, thank you God, led me to get better and better...and to realize that I want better for myself and deserve better. My family does too, but the generational nature of the disease is there and this has been in the two generations of my family before me...that I knew of and woke up to...is in my generation as my AM and my in-denial siblings are 'fine' and 'perfect' until I finally was able to 'give up' trying.

It is in my children's generation...with 2 previous addict daughters, a binger for a son (30) who is just fine...it is all my problem and a heroin addict 21 year old...and my husband comes from an alcoholic family as well...with his sisters all showing all the signs of codependents.

I have been feeling really bad...except when I am doing something...which is so codependent of me.

I so want to do my part to break the cycle and have been intentional about that for the past 16 years. I am the absolute only one who admits there is a problem.

I am enjoying being alone in my apartment. I am enjoying doing what I want when I want...as someone who is overly responsible...it is a good thing to finally be taking some time for myself...and I have a long way to go...although I have already come a long way.

I felt that this was the day I needed to write this letter...if not now, when?
I am 58 years old. I have been married for 38 years. I have raised 5 adult children from 34 to 19 with the teenage issues being drug addiction in the three females from age 16 and drinking in the oldest male to the extent where it is worriesom...but I know that I have to let go again...as I have over and over again...just had a relapse with the hitting literally bottom -- $400 left in savings account, verbal abuse from ex crystal meth addict that continues even after I took her off of facebook and told her I would not accept that behavior anymore, a husband who has never stood up for me or been a responsible man in the relationship...although I am told he is a typical chilean male...they use the female to make the money, use the females money until it is gone...work and spend their money on themselves (my hubby hasn't done this...he has worked hard at building which he is beautiful at...but insists on controlling all himself and I have funded him all the restarts that we had money to do and now that we have nothing...told him he has to contribute financiall).

Well, it is not as complicated as it was 6 months ago...thank you to my HP who I call God, but I realized that I am simply done with all these negative people who I have allowed to feed on me until I am depleted (over and over...and with many people) and that I am ready to set this boundary.

I do not dare do it when he comes back from Chile...because I won't be strong enough.

Thank you for listening. Comments welcome. Working my program.




I realize that I am in a hard situation...as I have now been turned on
by all family of mine and have chosen not to engage with yours anymore.

However, this is also a good opportunity to tell you what I expect from
you starting now...no excuses or or any more procrastination is
acceptable to me.

These are my requirements for you and I to continue married and for you
to even move back with me:

1. No alcohol whatsoever from here on out.

2. Continue on your medications.

3. See your therapist on a regular basis.

4. Start some sort of recovery work immediately...through your
therapist, el Chino, or online.

These are the minimum requirements for us to continue to have a
relationship since alcoholics or children of alcoholics who do not do
any work on themselves create a lot of misery for all of the people who
love them in this lifetime.

I am miserable on the family front, but realize that I have finally
lost all that I really cared about and now am just telling you that if
we go forward, you need to deal with your own stuff...and the alcohol
usage since you were a teenager and the consequences of your drinking
(& there are many) are not acceptable behavior to me.

I am cutting contact with all the kids as I am no longer willing to
tolerate any of that kind of behavior in my life and don't want to know
anything about them while they have that attitude.

I know, now, that trying harder or better or giving more or in
different ways, just makes me the better person and not any of the rest.

I am in recovery and will stay in recovery for the rest of my
life...being addicted to people who use alcohol and drugs is no longer
something I will tolerate in my life or my personal space.

I am out of my mind anxious about everything...which means that my
disease is very far advanced and if I hope to make it...I can only cut
my ties with every single negative person in my life...and continue to
work and save and hope that I will find someone who actually is able to
care enough to cherish me, treat me well, and to be a giver in my life.

I know you have tried your best, but you continue to deny that you have
or have had a drinking problem and that it has caused problems in our
family.

I have admitted that I get addicted to helpless, irresponsible people
who use alcohol and drugs and am quitting cold turkey...until I can
trust myself again...which may be never.

I will not turn my back on Rachel, but I will be a lot smarter and
wiser about what I do for her.

I am separating what I will do for her from what you will do for her
because you are an enabler for the kids.

I am not mad and I love you. I am glad that you are finally willing to
admit that you enabled the kids by giving them everything and expecting
me to do almost everything financially.

However, I am still angry and upset and deeply hurt that people who
were supposed to love me in my life have and are treating me this
way...and you have not been able to or made yourself willing to do what
you should do to be the man in my life who cherishes me and protects me
as a partner in being a provider and a bill payer and a strong person
who protects me from the negativity of family members who have almost
succeeded in destroying me.

I will not mention my kids again...and I am not going to chase after
anyone again until I am healthier. I do not want to vent with you
because it is unhealthy and you need to decide to work on yourself or
not...but I am no longer willing to stay with you when you are not
doing the right work and have left me to be almost destroyed by the
work it takes to admit that we have an addictive or addicted family and
that the only people we can change are ourselves.

I am not going to remind you to do anything anymore.

I don't really care...and as a person addicted to those I love...it is
controlling behavior and you are not going to do it anyway...or you are
going to procrastinate and do it 'when you have time' rather than when
I need it.

You play by different rules than me...you pressure me to do everything
now, now, now and always have. I have sacrificed big chunks of me and
my potential to please you and do whatever you thought was more
important than what I was doing at the time.

You have never accepted my help except when **** hits the fan and I am
not doing that anymore.

You are a nice guy...but that is not enough anymore.

You need to learn to stand up and be a man...not when you get
back...now.

I am going to continue on my path to being the best person I am capable
of being...and it is going to be hard and I am going to continue to
suffer...but I am no longer going to be a slave to the negative
manipulations and passive aggressive or aggressive behavior of others.

I have grown a lot over the 16 years I have been doing this work...and
you have not done your fair share.

Your kids are going to keep at it until they get you 'back' to being
controlled and manipulated and I don't believe that you are capable of
standing strong.

I am...and I stand alone right now...so might as well make it 100%.

I do not want to talk to you in person...as you have a lot of power
over me and I will get manipulated, but you continue not to understand
that what I ask is reasonable and not your choice to ignore or postpone.

So, just throw everything that I have asked you away. I have no desire
to talk to you again until you do what you are supposed to do and get
yourself truly on track.

God Bless and I love you, but I deserve something better...and not to
continue waiting for a loving family that is never going to be
real...ever.