Probably Rhetorical Question
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Probably Rhetorical Question
Like the post title says, I'm likely just in the last stages of denial.
Been drinking since 13, but mostly just socially until that turned into more and more as the tolerance gets raised up.
I have had episodes in my life, where some event will happen that is "unacceptable" to me and then I'll put down the drink for some time. When I come back to, I don't exhibit some of the behavior that I've read about on the board (one drink, leads to two, 3, 4, etc . . ) it takes a long time to build the resistance back up, I'm talking like a year or two where I'll just go along with social drinking. As I've grown older and had to deal with more problems, usually in my married relationship and likely all my relationships, it seems I've used alcohol to cover up those issues, hide them away, so I can function.
My marriage has never been smooth (17 years). We were in counseling before we got married, which in my mind, should have been a big red flag to get out. So now, 2 kids later, I think I'm still trying to hang on to my committment there, even though it makes me miserable at times, and cover that up with booze.
An event occured about a month ago after I had my drinking ramp up over the summer where I told wife I wasn't sure we should be together, didn't respect her, trust her, etc . . .all on her birthday at the end of a day of drinking and at the bar (with her). Woke up the next day and found the nearest AA meeting and been attending assuming I'm an alcoholic. In my state of mind after the episode I was like, "Why do I keep ending up back in this place".
A good reason to quit is to make sure I can think rationally before making any big decisions about whether I'm fit to continue this marriage. It impacts the kids and the wife, and they both deserve my best effort. Being snockered frequently isn't my best effort. So I quit.
I realize that's a lot of stuff to lay out in one post and don't expect some sort of zen realization moment.
So here's my question on alcoholism specifically. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms other than dehydrated. I have been thinking about drinking but mostly in the context of wondering whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Also, in the past three months there have been many occasions where I'll go to a happy hour, have two, go home and have no more. Or have half a beer on another day and leave it in the fridge . . dump it out next day cuz it's flat. I've been to three or four parties/dinners and been around booze and didn't take any. In the past, I've been able to moderate after my "breaks" for relatively long periods (years). It's like a switch that I turn on however. If I say, "today I shouldn't drink" I don't. Or I can have one or two. Or today, "I'm tying one on and that's that." Sometimes days do by where it's out of my mind, sometimes weeks. Maybe it doesn't matter.
The thing that made me think I better get help was that the day of this event, I knew I should have been taking it easy on the drink, and didn't. I was thinking only of myself pretty much the entire day of my wife's birthday. So the shame and disappointment feelings were pretty strong the next day. I also knew I needed to stop drinking to train for an athletic event. And didn't. Between that and potentially ending my marriage after an alcohol fueled argument, I was/am pretty scared.
I plan to continue to go to weekly AA meetings (they've been great actually), and continue to see the counselor I've been seeing the past 2 years. Read a bunch of books in the last few weeks, came to some realizations that I'm likely codependent with my wife and need to work on that. It's hard work to figure out the root cause of this stuff, but it's something I feel like I've been putting off and need to do.
There is my obligatory, first post, wall of text! Thank you to everyone that contributes on this board, I've found many of the posts, stories, and observations helpful.
-ck
Been drinking since 13, but mostly just socially until that turned into more and more as the tolerance gets raised up.
I have had episodes in my life, where some event will happen that is "unacceptable" to me and then I'll put down the drink for some time. When I come back to, I don't exhibit some of the behavior that I've read about on the board (one drink, leads to two, 3, 4, etc . . ) it takes a long time to build the resistance back up, I'm talking like a year or two where I'll just go along with social drinking. As I've grown older and had to deal with more problems, usually in my married relationship and likely all my relationships, it seems I've used alcohol to cover up those issues, hide them away, so I can function.
My marriage has never been smooth (17 years). We were in counseling before we got married, which in my mind, should have been a big red flag to get out. So now, 2 kids later, I think I'm still trying to hang on to my committment there, even though it makes me miserable at times, and cover that up with booze.
An event occured about a month ago after I had my drinking ramp up over the summer where I told wife I wasn't sure we should be together, didn't respect her, trust her, etc . . .all on her birthday at the end of a day of drinking and at the bar (with her). Woke up the next day and found the nearest AA meeting and been attending assuming I'm an alcoholic. In my state of mind after the episode I was like, "Why do I keep ending up back in this place".
A good reason to quit is to make sure I can think rationally before making any big decisions about whether I'm fit to continue this marriage. It impacts the kids and the wife, and they both deserve my best effort. Being snockered frequently isn't my best effort. So I quit.
I realize that's a lot of stuff to lay out in one post and don't expect some sort of zen realization moment.
So here's my question on alcoholism specifically. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms other than dehydrated. I have been thinking about drinking but mostly in the context of wondering whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Also, in the past three months there have been many occasions where I'll go to a happy hour, have two, go home and have no more. Or have half a beer on another day and leave it in the fridge . . dump it out next day cuz it's flat. I've been to three or four parties/dinners and been around booze and didn't take any. In the past, I've been able to moderate after my "breaks" for relatively long periods (years). It's like a switch that I turn on however. If I say, "today I shouldn't drink" I don't. Or I can have one or two. Or today, "I'm tying one on and that's that." Sometimes days do by where it's out of my mind, sometimes weeks. Maybe it doesn't matter.
The thing that made me think I better get help was that the day of this event, I knew I should have been taking it easy on the drink, and didn't. I was thinking only of myself pretty much the entire day of my wife's birthday. So the shame and disappointment feelings were pretty strong the next day. I also knew I needed to stop drinking to train for an athletic event. And didn't. Between that and potentially ending my marriage after an alcohol fueled argument, I was/am pretty scared.
I plan to continue to go to weekly AA meetings (they've been great actually), and continue to see the counselor I've been seeing the past 2 years. Read a bunch of books in the last few weeks, came to some realizations that I'm likely codependent with my wife and need to work on that. It's hard work to figure out the root cause of this stuff, but it's something I feel like I've been putting off and need to do.
There is my obligatory, first post, wall of text! Thank you to everyone that contributes on this board, I've found many of the posts, stories, and observations helpful.
-ck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Ck 
I had a lot of questions about whether or not I was an alcoholic in the early stages of sobriety. I only drank in the evenings etc.. and it really bugged me. Sometimes I felt like I didn't fit the mould and that meant I shouldn't be here, or in AA or any other support. I constantly minimised my drinking problem. I have come to realise though that it is totally irrelevant. There is no stereotypical alcoholic and if alcohol is causing problems for you then it is causing problems, end of. To me recovery is less about not drinking (it is easy for me to say that now I have been sober a while, in the early days/weeks/months it was all about not drinking) and more about moving forwards. In sobriety I have dedicated myself to self improvement, moving forwards instead of avoiding life and everything in it by drinking.
Glad you're here x
I had a lot of questions about whether or not I was an alcoholic in the early stages of sobriety. I only drank in the evenings etc.. and it really bugged me. Sometimes I felt like I didn't fit the mould and that meant I shouldn't be here, or in AA or any other support. I constantly minimised my drinking problem. I have come to realise though that it is totally irrelevant. There is no stereotypical alcoholic and if alcohol is causing problems for you then it is causing problems, end of. To me recovery is less about not drinking (it is easy for me to say that now I have been sober a while, in the early days/weeks/months it was all about not drinking) and more about moving forwards. In sobriety I have dedicated myself to self improvement, moving forwards instead of avoiding life and everything in it by drinking.
Glad you're here x
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by ck2013 
So here's my question on alcoholism specifically. I didn't have withdrawal symptoms other than dehydrated. I have been thinking about drinking but mostly in the context of wondering whether or not I'm an alcoholic.
1. Do you sometimes drink more than you intend to.
3. Do you sometimes drink more often than you intend to.
1. Do you sometimes get into more trouble than you intend to.
Two or more YES's would indicate you are loosing control of your drinking.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
You recount in detail the few instances where your drinking was not what you consider "alcoholic" in your mind. I am sure if you think on it, you can come up with as many or more instances where you did drink alcoholically. After all, you are on a recovery site. I don't think the few good examples cancel out the bad. But we tend to hang onto the occasional "I had just one" example like they were a life perserver. Let them go.
You recount in detail the few instances where your drinking was not what you consider "alcoholic" in your mind. I am sure if you think on it, you can come up with as many or more instances where you did drink alcoholically. After all, you are on a recovery site. I don't think the few good examples cancel out the bad. But we tend to hang onto the occasional "I had just one" example like they were a life perserver. Let them go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
One of the reasons that I quit was that I wanted to think about my marriage without being drunk or hungover all the time. I'm pretty sure that sobering up didn't help the relationship in the short term. I expected support and encouragement (and sparkly ponies!) and didn't feel like I got either. I had to realize that no one is going to give me a medal for acting like a normal decent human being dealing with the resentments and challenges of life without drinking. For me it turns out that being a good husband and father has to be it's own reward.
Everyone drinks differently and if you feel like you have a problem then you probably do. I definitely was a full time power drinker so to quit I had to adopt a mind set to quit. The fact that you can quit for more than a year at a time and don't get cravings won't make it any easier to really quit forever. That's four "quits" and I'm leaving them all in there!
Everyone drinks differently and if you feel like you have a problem then you probably do. I definitely was a full time power drinker so to quit I had to adopt a mind set to quit. The fact that you can quit for more than a year at a time and don't get cravings won't make it any easier to really quit forever. That's four "quits" and I'm leaving them all in there!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
If I could take it or leave (which it seems you can, albeit in a limited way), I'd leave it. What's the point of living in a continuous state in which you're questioning yourself as to whether or not your marriage, your being a parent and your involvement other relationships wouldn't be so problematic for you had you managed them sober?
Going to AA is a good thing, especially since you like it, and a way to better understand how your drinking affects a range of your life experiences.
Going to AA is a good thing, especially since you like it, and a way to better understand how your drinking affects a range of your life experiences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Sudz No More
Happy to meet you CK and welcome to SR. It all starts with the first step.
Do you have a sober stretch going already or are you planning on starting?
Do you have a sober stretch going already or are you planning on starting?
Looking forward to what lies ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by hypochondriac
Welcome to SR Ck
I had a lot of questions about whether or not I was an alcoholic in the early stages of sobriety. I only drank in the evenings etc.. and it really bugged me. Sometimes I felt like I didn't fit the mould and that meant I shouldn't be here, or in AA or any other support. I constantly minimised my drinking problem. I have come to realise though that it is totally irrelevant. There is no stereotypical alcoholic and if alcohol is causing problems for you then it is causing problems, end of. To me recovery is less about not drinking (it is easy for me to say that now I have been sober a while, in the early days/weeks/months it was all about not drinking) and more about moving forwards. In sobriety I have dedicated myself to self improvement, moving forwards instead of avoiding life and everything in it by drinking.
Glad you're here x
I had a lot of questions about whether or not I was an alcoholic in the early stages of sobriety. I only drank in the evenings etc.. and it really bugged me. Sometimes I felt like I didn't fit the mould and that meant I shouldn't be here, or in AA or any other support. I constantly minimised my drinking problem. I have come to realise though that it is totally irrelevant. There is no stereotypical alcoholic and if alcohol is causing problems for you then it is causing problems, end of. To me recovery is less about not drinking (it is easy for me to say that now I have been sober a while, in the early days/weeks/months it was all about not drinking) and more about moving forwards. In sobriety I have dedicated myself to self improvement, moving forwards instead of avoiding life and everything in it by drinking.
Glad you're here x
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Boleo
There are almost as many definitions of an alcoholic as there are alcoholics. My favorite litmus test so far is:
1. Do you sometimes drink more than you intend to.
3. Do you sometimes drink more often than you intend to.
1. Do you sometimes get into more trouble than you intend to.
Two or more YES's would indicate you are loosing control of your drinking.
1. Do you sometimes drink more than you intend to.
3. Do you sometimes drink more often than you intend to.
1. Do you sometimes get into more trouble than you intend to.
Two or more YES's would indicate you are loosing control of your drinking.
Have you reflected on the fact that the answer to two or more is yes and you still continue to drink?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome ck and congrats on your 4 weeks of sobriety!
I can totally relate to your post..... my alcoholism developed very slowly. I drank off and on socially for 15 years (even had times when I went months or more without drinking). Eventually I would discover that alcohol helped me get to sleep and turn my brain off. I began to rely on it and look forward to it, even if it was only a couple beers at the end of the day.
The telltale sign, I think, was when I tried to cut it out of my life and couldn't. I'd developed an abnormal relationship with alcohol and that, for me, was a turning point. It's never too early to put the drink down.... there's really nothing good about it!
I can totally relate to your post..... my alcoholism developed very slowly. I drank off and on socially for 15 years (even had times when I went months or more without drinking). Eventually I would discover that alcohol helped me get to sleep and turn my brain off. I began to rely on it and look forward to it, even if it was only a couple beers at the end of the day.
The telltale sign, I think, was when I tried to cut it out of my life and couldn't. I'd developed an abnormal relationship with alcohol and that, for me, was a turning point. It's never too early to put the drink down.... there's really nothing good about it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi ck, welcome. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism. The alcohol doesn't get rid of any of the problems, it just postpones them. I'm glad you are going to counseling. You are going in the right direction. Stick around here. Many have similar stories. Sobriety is so much better. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: FL
Posts: 698
Medical pro's screen people using CAGE:
1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
Two yes' indicate a potential problem.
It took me a while to be convinced I was an alcoholic. I finished two college degrees while drinking heavily and never got into legal trouble or anything. Otherwise, I may have figured it out sooner!! I know now, non alcoholics don't think about how much they are drinking, or try to cut down or control it.
There are varying degrees of alcohol abuse and alcohol dependency. Some folks binge drink only on weekends, that is still alcoholic drinking, and potentially deadly. Other folks drink a bit more moderately, but every day. The disease is progressive in nature. Over time it gets worse if untreated, never better, and the progression continues even while we are not drinking.
It's great that you are sober for 28 days. Maybe pick up a blue Alcoholics Anonymous book and read the beginning, see what you think. Welcome to SR.
1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
Two yes' indicate a potential problem.
It took me a while to be convinced I was an alcoholic. I finished two college degrees while drinking heavily and never got into legal trouble or anything. Otherwise, I may have figured it out sooner!! I know now, non alcoholics don't think about how much they are drinking, or try to cut down or control it.
There are varying degrees of alcohol abuse and alcohol dependency. Some folks binge drink only on weekends, that is still alcoholic drinking, and potentially deadly. Other folks drink a bit more moderately, but every day. The disease is progressive in nature. Over time it gets worse if untreated, never better, and the progression continues even while we are not drinking.
It's great that you are sober for 28 days. Maybe pick up a blue Alcoholics Anonymous book and read the beginning, see what you think. Welcome to SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Boleo
There are almost as many definitions of an alcoholic as there are alcoholics. My favorite litmus test so far is:
1. Do you sometimes drink more than you intend to.
3. Do you sometimes drink more often than you intend to.
1. Do you sometimes get into more trouble than you intend to.
Two or more YES's would indicate you are loosing control of your drinking.
1. Do you sometimes drink more than you intend to.
3. Do you sometimes drink more often than you intend to.
1. Do you sometimes get into more trouble than you intend to.
Two or more YES's would indicate you are loosing control of your drinking.
The problem is I'm a very analytical person, I like to know the answers to things, explain them, and thus be able to overcome them or find a solution. The problem with that approach is sometimes there are no answers to situations you run across. Never will be. And I need to learn to accept those situations for what they are and not seek to control them. I think this is one of the things that causes me to seek relief with alcohol.
Thanks for the reply.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by gaffo
One of the reasons that I quit was that I wanted to think about my marriage without being drunk or hungover all the time. I'm pretty sure that sobering up didn't help the relationship in the short term. I expected support and encouragement (and sparkly ponies!) and didn't feel like I got either. I had to realize that no one is going to give me a medal for acting like a normal decent human being dealing with the resentments and challenges of life without drinking. For me it turns out that being a good husband and father has to be it's own reward.
Everyone drinks differently and if you feel like you have a problem then you probably do. I definitely was a full time power drinker so to quit I had to adopt a mind set to quit. The fact that you can quit for more than a year at a time and don't get cravings won't make it any easier to really quit forever. That's four "quits" and I'm leaving them all in there!
Everyone drinks differently and if you feel like you have a problem then you probably do. I definitely was a full time power drinker so to quit I had to adopt a mind set to quit. The fact that you can quit for more than a year at a time and don't get cravings won't make it any easier to really quit forever. That's four "quits" and I'm leaving them all in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Welcome to SR.
You recount in detail the few instances where your drinking was not what you consider "alcoholic" in your mind. I am sure if you think on it, you can come up with as many or more instances where you did drink alcoholically. After all, you are on a recovery site. I don't think the few good examples cancel out the bad. But we tend to hang onto the occasional "I had just one" example like they were a life perserver. Let them go.
You recount in detail the few instances where your drinking was not what you consider "alcoholic" in your mind. I am sure if you think on it, you can come up with as many or more instances where you did drink alcoholically. After all, you are on a recovery site. I don't think the few good examples cancel out the bad. But we tend to hang onto the occasional "I had just one" example like they were a life perserver. Let them go.
Good advice - I can indeed recount in detail the other side as well. It's a slippery slope for sure.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
If I could take it or leave (which it seems you can, albeit in a limited way), I'd leave it. What's the point of living in a continuous state in which you're questioning yourself as to whether or not your marriage, your being a parent and your involvement other relationships wouldn't be so problematic for you had you managed them sober?
Going to AA is a good thing, especially since you like it, and a way to better understand how your drinking affects a range of your life experiences.
Going to AA is a good thing, especially since you like it, and a way to better understand how your drinking affects a range of your life experiences.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by artsoul
Welcome ck and congrats on your 4 weeks of sobriety!
I can totally relate to your post..... my alcoholism developed very slowly. I drank off and on socially for 15 years (even had times when I went months or more without drinking). Eventually I would discover that alcohol helped me get to sleep and turn my brain off. I began to rely on it and look forward to it, even if it was only a couple beers at the end of the day.
The telltale sign, I think, was when I tried to cut it out of my life and couldn't. I'd developed an abnormal relationship with alcohol and that, for me, was a turning point. It's never too early to put the drink down.... there's really nothing good about it!
I can totally relate to your post..... my alcoholism developed very slowly. I drank off and on socially for 15 years (even had times when I went months or more without drinking). Eventually I would discover that alcohol helped me get to sleep and turn my brain off. I began to rely on it and look forward to it, even if it was only a couple beers at the end of the day.
The telltale sign, I think, was when I tried to cut it out of my life and couldn't. I'd developed an abnormal relationship with alcohol and that, for me, was a turning point. It's never too early to put the drink down.... there's really nothing good about it!
Can relate to this. I think this is what happened a month ago. I needed to "cut back" for a variety of reasons, and found myself not able to do so as I had in the past, e.g. just quit; or not making good decisions to cut back (irrational thinking). That, to me, was a pretty scary thing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
