Relapses and Ultimatums
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
Great post. Lately, I've been tempting myself with different strategies. One drink, one glass of water, one drink. It won't work. Sooner or later, I'll have 12 and it will begin again. The longest I went alone was 4 months. AA helped me get time. I think the trick at first is to just do something, anything, different.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
It is important to talk with your doctor about this. You will get medical guidance, and the frank discussion you will have is catharsis, and help you accept that you will have a life that is so much better when you decide that you will no longer drink. No matter what.
As for recovery groups and 12 step associations I think what is most important is that acceptance. Stop drinking first, then see what is around to help you stay that way. No meeting will prevent you from drinking before you choose to.
As for recovery groups and 12 step associations I think what is most important is that acceptance. Stop drinking first, then see what is around to help you stay that way. No meeting will prevent you from drinking before you choose to.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I have been the ultimatum giver many times and I can assure you that alcoholism is hurting and affecting him as much as it does you.
It is horrible to clean up the messes a loved one has made under the influence and as the alcoholic acts, codependents get into a react mode. As we live in crisis mode, we make the alcoholic partner the center of our life and forget our own needs and boundaries as we are too busy cleaning up their mess and making ultimatums we do not follow through with.
Codies are as crazy as alkies
I am posting it because as a double winner I empathize with both side of the equation.
Your partner has been affected by your alcoholism and is suffering too. He needs help too and would definitely benefit from attending Al Anon or at least come here on the friends and family forum.
It is horrible to clean up the messes a loved one has made under the influence and as the alcoholic acts, codependents get into a react mode. As we live in crisis mode, we make the alcoholic partner the center of our life and forget our own needs and boundaries as we are too busy cleaning up their mess and making ultimatums we do not follow through with.
Codies are as crazy as alkies
I am posting it because as a double winner I empathize with both side of the equation.
Your partner has been affected by your alcoholism and is suffering too. He needs help too and would definitely benefit from attending Al Anon or at least come here on the friends and family forum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Thank you for your courage and honesty to reflect like that in your initial post. That was really moving and I can really identify with what you are going through. I'm so early in my game I have no solutions...only encouragement. You are pointed in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 192
You did a great job of describing my (most of ours, really) struggle. Thank you.
I guess when we stop struggling (aka drinking)...that is when we can really be free. The IDEA of enjoying one or two drinks is very appealing. But for me, if I am really honest, the first one was only so I could get to the 5th, or 6 th...or more.
Welcome!
I guess when we stop struggling (aka drinking)...that is when we can really be free. The IDEA of enjoying one or two drinks is very appealing. But for me, if I am really honest, the first one was only so I could get to the 5th, or 6 th...or more.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by Devushka25 
But how do I keep from spiralling again? Advice?
-- Find someone in your community who has beaten this. Maybe in AA, maybe with another approach. All you have to do is look and ask. They can help you because they have been there too.
-- Realize that you are not alone.
-- Recognize that many many others have found a way out. There is hope.
-- Do some reading. There are many books that can help you understand what is happening. Many of these books are discussed on this forum. I am thinking of the Big Book, Rational Recovery, others...
-- Listen online to AA speaker tapes. Ask yourself if you recognize what you hear.
-- Ask yourself if YOU are ready to stop. Really ready to take back your life and your free will. Ready to end this crazy hostage situation with alcohol. This decision will not be made because of an ultimatum from someone else. It will have to be your decision.
-- Get set to make huge changes in your life.
I hope that if you do some or all of these things, you will reach a moment of decision. A turning point in your life. If and when that moment comes, be ready to choose freedom, and hold on with everything you've got.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Your post is so very well written. Your struggle leaps off the page. My mom once remarked "the only thing more powerful than love is addiction". I fear she is right. You are up against a formidable force so I think you are wise to seek out recovery options. I struggled for two more decades after attending some AA meetings when I was just a bit younger than you are now. As others have said, this is a deeply personal battle that must be waged by and for you. Recovery ain't for sissies, I tell ya that much.
I have almost 3 months of sobriety by not drinking in the "now". I do not overwhelm myself with any commitments beyond that. I didn't face anything but daylight before 5 sober. I didn't get bombed every night but I drank every night. In the end I realized I had absolutely no certainty as to what would or could happen once I took that first drink. Too many blackouts occurred despite intentions for just one glass of wine...whether I was driving or not. Bad stuff didn't happen every time I drank but every time bad stuff did...I was drinking.
Have the courage to face who you are and live your life sober. You honestly don't need alcohol. It's an illusion we all bought into. I know it may seem unfathomable to believe you can enjoy life sober...but you can, you really, really can. Give it a chance. Just stop drinking now...stay sober now...commit to now. So far it's worked for me...cuz it's always...now.
I have almost 3 months of sobriety by not drinking in the "now". I do not overwhelm myself with any commitments beyond that. I didn't face anything but daylight before 5 sober. I didn't get bombed every night but I drank every night. In the end I realized I had absolutely no certainty as to what would or could happen once I took that first drink. Too many blackouts occurred despite intentions for just one glass of wine...whether I was driving or not. Bad stuff didn't happen every time I drank but every time bad stuff did...I was drinking.
Have the courage to face who you are and live your life sober. You honestly don't need alcohol. It's an illusion we all bought into. I know it may seem unfathomable to believe you can enjoy life sober...but you can, you really, really can. Give it a chance. Just stop drinking now...stay sober now...commit to now. So far it's worked for me...cuz it's always...now.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by Devushka25
But I need a plan. My bf wants me to go to my family doc and talk to my friends and family honestly about what's going on. And that's fairly reasonable. But I don't feel quite ready to tell everyone yet. That's really scary, has a lot of implications and will be overwhelmingly stressful for me cause I have a bit of dysfunction in my family (surprise, surprise lol). I want to go to meetings. Get support from ppl I can relate with, and bolster my courage for the next part of the process (telling everyone) first. Does that seem fair? I don't want him to think I'm copping out. I just want to be ready to expose myself.
It's a personal choice, but I've found it easier to keep my family out of it until I come to terms with my own personal journey. My emotions shift so much at times, having to explain them to others, who whilst they might mean well, aren't exactly able to understand your own personal journey.
That's why I find it good to come here....see I'm not alone and know that others have similar struggles to me.
As others have said, talk to your doctor, explore your options and most of all, good on you for recognising that something needs to happen. That in itself somehow starts to make us more honest, if only to ourselves at first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
So glad you're here, Devushka. Not just to save your relationship, but also to save yourself.
I found that I couldn't really quit for good until I accepted that I'd reached a point of no return with drinking. I wasn't going to be able to go back to drinking "normally". Ever. It was about accepting that I had to live a life without alcohol from now on. Believe it or not, once I accepted that, it was a huge relief because I knew what I had to do.
I hope you find a method for staying quit that works for you. You do need a plan to deal with the cravings, the special occasions that often lead to relapsing, dealing with stress without alcohol, etc. AA works for many, AVRT, SMART, etc...
Like you, I didn't want to tell my family or friends when I quit. Not because of copping out, but because I didn't and still don't have the strength to deal with their questions and their concern. It still feels like more of a burden on me to tell them. When I have the strength, I'll talk about it. For now, I'm talking about it a lot here.
Also like you, I had panic when I thought about my "drunken shenanigans". I never wanted to look at my phone in the morning after drinking. It was absolute panic! That panic and the anxiety are all gone now, only 2 1/2 months after quitting. It is the BEST feeling. You can have that too.
I know that when you first start out it seems like an impossible task -getting through the rest of your life without alcohol. Take the leap of faith that you will be able to do it. Others have done it before you, and you can too! Start with one day, then another day, then another day, and before you know, it's a week, then a month, then two. I'm looking forward to 3 months (though I've had a couple of slips, and those happen...but we just keep going, stronger!)
Take care, and, keep reading, Devushka. There's a lot of great advice and support here.
Junegirl
I found that I couldn't really quit for good until I accepted that I'd reached a point of no return with drinking. I wasn't going to be able to go back to drinking "normally". Ever. It was about accepting that I had to live a life without alcohol from now on. Believe it or not, once I accepted that, it was a huge relief because I knew what I had to do.
I hope you find a method for staying quit that works for you. You do need a plan to deal with the cravings, the special occasions that often lead to relapsing, dealing with stress without alcohol, etc. AA works for many, AVRT, SMART, etc...
Like you, I didn't want to tell my family or friends when I quit. Not because of copping out, but because I didn't and still don't have the strength to deal with their questions and their concern. It still feels like more of a burden on me to tell them. When I have the strength, I'll talk about it. For now, I'm talking about it a lot here.
Also like you, I had panic when I thought about my "drunken shenanigans". I never wanted to look at my phone in the morning after drinking. It was absolute panic! That panic and the anxiety are all gone now, only 2 1/2 months after quitting. It is the BEST feeling. You can have that too. I know that when you first start out it seems like an impossible task -getting through the rest of your life without alcohol. Take the leap of faith that you will be able to do it. Others have done it before you, and you can too! Start with one day, then another day, then another day, and before you know, it's a week, then a month, then two. I'm looking forward to 3 months (though I've had a couple of slips, and those happen...but we just keep going, stronger!)
Take care, and, keep reading, Devushka. There's a lot of great advice and support here.
Junegirl
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 59
I identify.
Sounds like you're at some sort of crossroads...your man or booze. Sounds like you're choosing the right turn. You don't need to tell anyone that you no longer drink...it's not their business, it's yours. The anxiety and panic attacks will lesson and probably subside once alcohol is out of your system. Good luck...rooting for you.
Sounds like you're at some sort of crossroads...your man or booze. Sounds like you're choosing the right turn. You don't need to tell anyone that you no longer drink...it's not their business, it's yours. The anxiety and panic attacks will lesson and probably subside once alcohol is out of your system. Good luck...rooting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 77
Again, thx for the support everyone. I talked with the bf last night about my plans and how I didn't want to tell everyone right away and he understood and was actually very supportive. He would like to see me do something still though rather than just talk about it, like join a group, talk to my doctor, etc. so, I've found one in my area and am hoping to go tonight. I'm kinda nervous though. I'm kind of an introvert and a little shy, one if the major reasons I drink in social situations. I don't know what to expect as I've never been to a meeting before either. Wish me luck.
Also, re-reading my initial post, I realized I really romanticize my drinking. When I say things like, "I just want to enjoy a glass of wine or a cold beer like a normal person". I'm sort of setting myself up for failure by putting alcohol on a pedestal. I need to be real with myself here. I've never enjoyed just one glass of wine or one beer. I've enjoyed 3, 5 or 6+. And if I have stopped at 1 or 2, I've felt it was pointless drinking in the first place. So there you have it, I drink to enjoy getting drunk, not to quench my thirst on a hot day or "unwind" like a normal person might at the end of a long day. I mean, I do like a nice local, craft beer for the taste but so what? I like sugary kid's cereals and copious amounts of caffeine as well, but I can't have those things either anymore and didn't whine about it. This attitude of "...but I like it..." ***insert pouty lip here** isn't working for me anymore. Time to get this show on the road.
Also, re-reading my initial post, I realized I really romanticize my drinking. When I say things like, "I just want to enjoy a glass of wine or a cold beer like a normal person". I'm sort of setting myself up for failure by putting alcohol on a pedestal. I need to be real with myself here. I've never enjoyed just one glass of wine or one beer. I've enjoyed 3, 5 or 6+. And if I have stopped at 1 or 2, I've felt it was pointless drinking in the first place. So there you have it, I drink to enjoy getting drunk, not to quench my thirst on a hot day or "unwind" like a normal person might at the end of a long day. I mean, I do like a nice local, craft beer for the taste but so what? I like sugary kid's cereals and copious amounts of caffeine as well, but I can't have those things either anymore and didn't whine about it. This attitude of "...but I like it..." ***insert pouty lip here** isn't working for me anymore. Time to get this show on the road.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
Great post, my story is similar to..., alcohol does not discriminate, once the first drink is taken it's "game on" so it seems.
To cut the chase, you may want to consider trying AA and read the book of the same title.
To give you a glimpse, it says the following;
and
Once I understood the above sections, it became obvious I am a real alcoholic. There was no denying it. The drinking game was over, it has nothing to do with will power or mental defects.
It's the way my body reacts to alcohol and nothing can stop that physical aspect of it.
Therefore the obsession,( thoughts of drinking) eventually was gone.
I hope you have this experience to
To cut the chase, you may want to consider trying AA and read the book of the same title.
To give you a glimpse, it says the following;
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; Chapter; Doctor's Opinion 1st Edition
But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.note He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social.Page 21, 1st Edition
Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.note He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social.Page 21, 1st Edition
It's the way my body reacts to alcohol and nothing can stop that physical aspect of it.
Therefore the obsession,( thoughts of drinking) eventually was gone.
I hope you have this experience to
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United States
Posts: 38
What you wrote could have been written by me, almost word for word. I did the same thing with my partner. And sure enough, the a beer here with dinner, a couple at a cookout - all under the watchful eye of my concerned girlfriend, then a night at the bar where I didnt plan to drink but decided to have just one -- well that ended in a blackout and me saying some very hurtful things to her that I have no memory of.
I keep hearing quit for yourself and I've attempted for years before I even met her. Had 39 days recently but she went out with coworkers for happy hour and I went out and drank for two days..
No real words of advice just sober is better, it sucks to hurt the ones we love and I think no matter how much someone loves us, they have a breaking point.
I keep hearing quit for yourself and I've attempted for years before I even met her. Had 39 days recently but she went out with coworkers for happy hour and I went out and drank for two days..
No real words of advice just sober is better, it sucks to hurt the ones we love and I think no matter how much someone loves us, they have a breaking point.
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