ImperfectlyMe

Ok so I'm 20 weeks in and have gotten my sober legs steady. Through alot of soul searching I have come to realize that I drank to disappear. When I'm at the point if total exhaustion from the day and being me I just want to be far far away. That is the point of the day I'd pick up the wine. With my sober clear mind I no longer go to booze as the solution but still just want to fade away! I'm burnt out to the core with taking care of everyone but myself... Yet I have no clue how I do that or what taking care of yourself looks like. I am #12 on the list of beings that need caring for, proceeding me are 2 children 1 husband ( very needy) 2 dogs, and 6 tropical fish yes I actually put more care and effort in maintaining my fish!

When evening rolls around I'm so depleted from caring for others all I want to do is hide. But there is no where to hide and I know this is unhealthy thinking. So what do I do. I'm sick of feeling like an employee in my own home but dont know any other way
I feel I'm building resentments toward everyone yet I built this working model. I can't imagine how I'm going to undo all the codependency ive created in my home. Before I could go into robot mode and drink and serve the family. Now I'm just serving everyone and feeling empty inside. This situation sucks its to the point where I'm doing things for my husband that are simply rediculous!!! Like if he needs a glass of water instead of getting up he calls me in to get it. I have created this monster always wanting to be the perfect housewife... Well I don't want that anymore. But when I express wanting change I think it freaks everyone out. I don't know I guess I'm rambling just want sometimes to be free back info: my husband is a few months into remission for his 2nd time in heart failure. So I feel I have to do everything for him, and ny kids are fairly young so that IS my job role to care for them!

So sorry for the complaining just needed to unload. SR has been my one and only place I can say things honestly even when they are horrid ... Like wanting to run away from your family!

foolsgold66

Thanks for sharing. Start small. Fix the water thing!

Threshold

hugs.

Been there, done that.

As far as your husband's health. I would think anything he is capable of doing for himself, it is to his physical benefit to DO for himself. Though he might not be willing to embrace that.

Are the kids in school?

Any chance you can get out for a chunk of time a few days a week, while they are at school, and do something different? anything different? If you can feel yourself moving, even in small ways, towards enriching YOUR life, not simply the lives of those around you, it might help a lot.

the tendency towards burnout, breakdown and resentment are huge in a situation like yours. I admit I didn't handle it well, turned to drugs, alcohol and other crazy behavior in an effort to find my own identity, ME time, freedom, or heck, to "show them".

What amazed me is how everyone watched me disintegrate without even asking if I was ok. They noticed when i didn't serve them the way they wanted me to, but me? I was essentially invisible. So somehow I internalized that, and began to think of myself as unreal, as just a function in the lives of others, and the only way to maintain that was to obliterate myself as soon as my responsibilities were met.

sunset01

first your thoughts are completely natural, it's not easy being a mum and partner, nor is it unusual to have thoughts of walking away. I've thought the same thing. I love them more than anything. I've sometimes thought "I am such a bad person, why isn't that enough". Simple answer is because it isn't for many of us. That doesn't mean we have to dramatically change everything, it means that we need to find something, even if its a small thing that is just for us, that gives us a feeling of peace to quiet the chaos of our lives.
Even though you are a caring loving person to everyone in your life, try putting yourself first even if it's only for a hour. You not only need it, you deserve it.

ImperfectlyMe

Threshold I'm at the tale end if summer so with in two weeks I will get 6 hours a week of alone time when my littlest returns to Pre school. I'm going to tap dance out of the parking lot the first day.

Thank you for your response sunset its good to not feel like a monster who wants to run for the hills when I hear mom for the 10000000000 time in 2 hours

After posting my initial post my husband got up for work and could tell I was irritated I calmly explained how I feel and he said we all appriciste you and all you do!!!!......I wasn't looking for validation I was looking for him to tie his own shoes he is completely physically capable of normal daily things but I allow him to not do them. Part of me remember when he couldn't walk 2 steps without a heart rate exceeding 210 and giving him injections 3 times a day so the 3 little clots in his heart didn't travel.

I'm sitting here cleaning a toilet literally.... Crying because frankly I just don't want to be me anymore and don't see any other option. I feel like I'm a failure and selfish that the thought maybe I should never have married and had kids enter my mind

My rational self knows its just a SH.ty day and these feelings will pass, but I'm just feeling beat down right now. I really am sorry gir let it all out here, but SR is truly my only life line!

gaffo

When I quit I almost immediately noticed how much better I felt physically. Are you able to enjoy a real night's sleep once in a while? That, drinking plenty of water and eating well can help you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't forget to keep your sense of humor. Juggling chain saws is tough work!

1undone

Hey you!!!!!

I understand where you are coming from. First off you HAVE INDEED done something for YOU. 10 months without a drink! HELLS bells. That is amazing in my book.

You sound tired, physically and emotionally. You sound like you are also oozing guilt. Have you read some books on co-dependency? Just curious.

I know this period in your life even without the numb coping with alcohol. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Where is your extended family? Can they help in any way? Just one evening a week? You don't have to go anywhere just have some you time.

My son is now in his teens but still needs me a bit. Nothing like his non-teen years. Hold out and hold on. It will get easier in that regard.

Again congrats on 10 months. I can hardly pull a few days together!!!!!

ImperfectlyMe

1undone it's only 20 weeks but someday it will be 10 months .
Wish I could take you offer of a hug, actually the offer made me smile so that is probably as good

On the codependency thing I pretty sure I'm well embedded in it. I don't know much about it perhaps a trip to Barnes and noble will help, but I know that every relationship I set it up so that the person needs me depends on me can't do anything without me.

Are we alcoholics more messed up then most or are we more aware of issues because of our alcoholism?

jazzfish

This is such a tough phase because you are pouring everything into taking care of the family, but as soon as they are able they will leave to go do their own thing. I remember when my mom discovered a horrible secret - that spouses and kids can do a whole lot if you teach them and then stop doing it for them.

Anyone can help clean and pick up their things. Kids insisting you entertain them? Give them chores to do. A few times with that and they will learn to entertain themselves. Husband needs his clothes washed? Show him how to use the washing machine and see what happens when he runs out of clothes. Tired of cooking? By a kid friendly cookbook and teach everyone to cook. At first, it may take extra time from you to teach them , but it will quickly pay off.

ImperfectlyMe

Thanks jazz

losteverything

IM, I think as we recover, its important to take care of ourselves even more than anyone else... After all, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. Take some time, in the evening, just for yourself. Can you try going for a walk, or a jog, going for a swim or a sauna, whirlpool...even just going to a coffee shop and reading a book for awhile? We need to heal mentally, physically and spiritually.... Congratulations on your sober time, you rock!!

artsoul

Single mom here, so I totally get it..... We give until we hardly have anything left and the resentments build and then we add guilt on top of it.

While married, if my husband asked me for something, he didn't realize it was 10,0000th things I done for someone that day. I would just stuff it until I couldn't anymore and at some point when I was asked to do something, I'd react in anger (well, probably passive-agressive behavior is closer to the truth). What I should have done is say "I'm so tired right now, can you do that for yourself?"

The good thing is that you're looking for solutions! Sit them all down and tell them you have to find a way to have "mommy's time." Come up with an evening or two where you can have no interruptions for X number of hours. Maybe it can also be movie night for the kids (dad makes popcorn) and you can just lay around in the bedroom or go out for a yoga class. Including the kids/hubby on the planning will make it more palatable.

The other thing I thought of was PAWS. If you haven't read about it, this is a good article:
Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies

Sending hugs your way.....

ImperfectlyMe

Thanks so much artsoul I really appreciate your advice going to have a talk with them and make small changes over time.

IOAA2

I think more people need more hugs and the results I see at AA meetings are so comforting especially from some one who understands in person.

We don't like to admit it but some of us who indulged have some mental repair work to do and it's a time involving process and with awareness and honesty it's not that difficult to learn new attitudes. Many times they are common sense logical ideas. I heard this at an Al Anon meeting that hit me between the eyes.

We can be invited to a fight but we don't have to participate. BE WELL